Bachelor 2016 Episode 4: Vegas, Baby
Sorry I didn’t cover After Bachelor last week like I promised. Life just got in the way and I didn’t have time.
I know a lot of people hate Olivia right now but I actually feel sorry for her. Her biggest crime in my mind is just being self-absorbed and not being able to hide it like the other women do (you can’t really think that the other women on the show aren’t self-absorbed and high-maintenance too, can you? Did you see the shot of one of the bedrooms with piles of clothes strewn everywhere and the giant makeup kits? They are all obsessed with themselves).
She stirs up trouble with the other women because she’s awkward as f*ck and is aggressive in going after Ben but she’s not exactly a Courtney or Michelle Money (who we all found out later are actually really nice people so why should we believe Olivia is any different?)
I also think she is extremely naive and was easily manipulated by the show’s producers into saying a lot of the strange things she has. She seems more like an outsider than a villain to me. I just don’t get an evil vibe from her.
As for Olivia’s legs, I probably wouldn’t have noticed if she hadn’t talked about how ugly they are but since we got a good look at them on the group date cocktail party, I thought, “Yeah, now that you mention it, Olivia, your legs are kind of weird.” She’s still doing okay in the looks department though. Besides, “Perfection is so lame.”
There are only two reasons for Ben to send Olivia home at this point: 1) She talked about her fat toes and cankles while he was grieving over the loss of two close friends instead of trying to comfort him and 2) Her insecurities about her relationship with Ben are causing her to spiral downward a la Lace.
Alright, let’s get this party started.
Chris H. lets the girls know they’re going to Vegas. The women are way too excited about this. Or maybe I’m too unexcited because Vegas is less than an hour flight from me and I’ve been there enough times to I know I don’t want to go back. Smoke-filled casinos and fake historical landmarks aren’t really my thing. That may sound boring but there are much better places to go in the world. Go to Europe. It’s fantastic.
A date card arrives for JoJo.
Olivia lets us know she is super okay with other women dating HER husband. She’s totally “Zen with Ben”. Hahahahaha. That’s cute, Olivia. Let’s see how you feel in the morning when you catch sight of Ben making out with JoJo on the helipad outside your hotel window.
The twins are working out at the hotel on the same treadmill? They look like human hamsters. I’m looking forward to Ben putting Thing 1 and Thing 2 both back in their cage. Neither of them is a match for Ben (not that I can tell the difference between them).
Ben and JoJo’s One-On-One
Ben and JoJo are on the helipad waiting for their ride. I’m starting to think Ben is obsessed with aerial vehicles. This is the third date where he’s taken a woman on either a plane or a helicopter.
A champagne table is set up and promptly blows over on top of them when the second helicopter of the season arrives. The wind is so strong from the propeller whipping up the air around them that Ben and JoJo use the overturned champagne table as cover… which gives Ben an excuse to kiss JoJo and Olivia a reason to lose her sh*t.
Olivia goes from a confident career woman to a puddle of self-indulgent tears in two seconds flat. She seems shocked by their kiss. I get really tired of asking this question but do these people know what show they’re on? Even if Olivia had never witnessed Ben kissing another woman, she had to know it was going to happen and was likely happening already. SMH.
Unlike Lauren B., Jojo knows how to maneuver around the mics on her and Ben’s headsets in the helicopter. She just pushes them aside and pulls Ben’s face to hers. I like this girl. I’m pretty sure JoJo is going to be the next Bachelorette. She was among 3 contenders on my premiere night predictions. Jennifer and Amanda were the other two. Jennifer seems to be fading into the background despite her strong initial showing and Amanda seems a little too sweet to be up to the task of wrangling 25 guys.
Back at the hotel room, the group date card arrives. Whoever’s not on the list gets the other one-on-one.
- Lauren B.
- Lauren H.
Olivia’s a wreck. She wanted the one-on-one date. She needed it to “keep her head up.” Is something wrong with her neck too? Is she cursed with generalized bad limb syndrome?
That means Becca gets the one-on-one.
Back on JoJo’s one-on-one, it’s time for yet another woman to spill her deepest darkest secrets with the show’s lead that she’s convinced will scare him away, and when he doesn’t get scared by her pathetic attempt to make herself seem like she’s secretly a toe-up mess, let us know how comfortable he makes her feel and that she could easily see the lead being her husband.
Okay, JoJo? What’s your sob story? Bring it. I already know you’re going to bore me with the utter lack of heartbreak you’ve experienced thus far in your life.
JoJo is afraid to open up because she’s afraid of getting hurt.
Really? Join the rest of the human race on the brink of falling in love.
Also, some guy cheated on her. Lame. Next! (How would Ben blame her for that anyway???)
JoJo says Ben makes her feel really safe. Okay, she didn’t use the “H” word but close enough.
Next, they celebrate their deep and abiding new-formed love by watching a fireworks display that is clearly visible to the other women from the hotel room. Olivia just knows Ben and JoJo are making out and she feels like she’s been cheated on. Being cheated on is built into the premise of the show so she’s not really wrong but she was the one who decided to quit her awesome job and join Ben’s harem.
The Showgirl Group Date
Thing 1: Ben has a cute nose.
Thing 2: He has a really cute nose.
Ahhhhhhhhhh. Stop it! Your combined lack of brain cells is giving me a migraine. Go. Home.
The group date is a talent show hosted by Terry Fator. The women are opening for him. He asks if anyone has any special talents. None of the girls raises a hand. What? You mean they’ve all gotten through life up to now coasting on their looks? The hell you say.
Actually, Emily and Haley can do Irish tap dancing a la Michael Flatley of Riverdance fame. Something tells me these two were in the pageant circle growing up.
Olivia has no talent so she decides to dress up in a scarlet, ostrich-plumed, showgirl outfit covered in Mardi Gras beads and sequins. It’s a monstrosity. She looks like something Jim Henson would make in his creature shop.
She lets us know she shaved that morning. Phew. Nothing worse than Sasquatch cankles.
Olivia gives us a sample of her “sexy” shimmies and shakes. Looks closer to cerebral palsy than sexy. But she’s confident Ben will like it and doesn’t care what the other girls think. Keep lying to yourself, Olivia. Starting the countdown to Olivia’s nuclear meltdown in 3-2-1…
The show starts. Emily and Haley let us know they’re “in it to twin it.” I want to shoot myself in the eye.
They do their Riverdance and are gone. Unfortunately, not permanently yet.
Jubilee plays the cello. She’s actually pretty good at it (we’re not talking Yo Yo Ma though). Why didn’t she raise her hand when Terry asked if anyone had a talent?
Lauren B. juggles. Amanda hula hoops.
Lauren H. dresses up like a chicken and sings a Bachelor-themed spoof of Old MacDonald had a farm:
“Young Ben Higgins had a mansion, R-O-S-E, rose.” Wow. Clever. The sad thing is she probably had someone on the Bachelor staff help her write that.
I think it’s Leah who’s dressed up as a clown and jumping around on stage on a Pogo stick.
Jennifer hits some tennis balls through a hula hoop at one of Terry Fator’s puppets. Oy. Hometowns can’t get here fast enough.
Olivia’s Burlesque Show (Eat Your Heart out Elizabeth Berkeley)
Olivia jumps out of a cake in her Elmo fur cape and bedazzled bikini.
Honestly, this was my favorite of all the talents. If she hadn’t gotten so damned insecure about the whole thing afterward, she probably would have won the night. But, alas, the countdown to thermonuclear meltdown is almost at zero.
She is about the least graceful person on the planet. She just randomly wanders around the stage giggling, smiling, kicking her legs in the air like a 4-year-old playacting as a Rockette, and trying to shimmy gracefully with no success. What I see in this moment is the real Olivia. She’s not graceful and she knows it but she’s trying to make the best of the situation, she’s definitely self-conscious but still courageous enough to step completely out of her comfort zone and force everyone else out of theirs in the process, and she is AWKWARD.
Olivia strikes me as the type of person who was teased mercilessly in grade school and only came into her own once she graduated from the ugly duckling phase. She is socially inept and very insecure which is a clear indication that she has never really connected with people.
Everyone who watched the show felt embarrassed for her but I think it was in a good way. The other girls were judgy but they have been since the beginning when it comes to Olivia because she doesn’t fit in and she steals time with Ben whenever she can get it.
The look on Ben’s face while watching Olivia is not one of disgust though. He looks simultaneously embarrassed for her and impressed with her courage. If she could have stopped trying to listen to his nonexistent secret communication and looked at him with clear eyes, I think she would have seen that.
Olivia’s routine was the best IMO because it was simple, stupid, embarrassing, and authentic. It made people laugh, including Ben. I don’t think he was lying later when he repeatedly told her she was great. She was in a very Bridget-Jones kind of way. It’s really too bad she’s too insecure to have appreciated her own courage and absurdity. It takes a lot of guts to deliberately make an ass out of yourself publicly.
The women finally go back stage and Olivia promptly has a panic attack over her perceived humiliation.
Olivia: “I couldn’t even look at him because I knew he was mortified.”
I don’t think she’s being dramatic. Panic attacks are a real thing. I suffer from them too. Depending on the severity, it can feel like you’re dying. I don’t think hers was as severe as the ones I get but I’ve definitely had smaller ones due to excessive pressure which this show is all about. Her tears are genuine.
She’ll never be right for Ben but she’s not a horrible person. She’s just a little immature and self-absorbed. I’m sure the producers played off of all of it to make her look as bad as possible so you wouldn’t like her. On After Bachelor, they basically try to brainwash us into not liking her.
That night at the group date cocktail party, Olivia is visibly reserved and has tears in her eyes. For the first time, she doesn’t steal Ben right away.
Caila gets to him first. She throws her legs over him the second they sit down on a bench together and kisses him. Ben said he wondered on the first date if there would be passion between them (red flag – Caila will probably not make it past hometowns) and now he says she’s like a “sex panther”. But if he had to wonder if there would be chemistry between them even though they made out dancing to Amos Lee on their one-on-one, it’s a very bad sign.
Lauren H. goes on a two-on-one with Ben and “little Ben” (one of Terry Fator’s puppets) and she lets us know little Ben is a lot bigger than she thought he’d be. Last week she had no “ball-handling skills” and this week little Ben is bigger than she thought he’d be. Lauren H. is a kindergarten teacher, right? I can’t get enough dumb sexual innuendos but I do wonder what her students’ parents think.
Finally, Olivia gets up the courage to steal Ben. She laments her performance while Ben tells her how great it was. And before Ben can say enough to meet Olivia’s reassurance standards, Thing 1 (or 2) interrupts them and Olivia walks away feeling worse than before.
Lauren B. and Ben get together for another makeout session. Ben is so about Lauren B. The rest of the girls should just go home unless there’s something the editors aren’t showing us with one of the other women. But Ben looks at her with big googly eyes whenever they’re together. I don’t see him look at anyone else that way.
Olivia is upset because it was the first time she talked to Ben when they didn’t kiss. She’s entering what I like to call the insecurity death spiral and she’s not self-aware enough to see it and check herself before she wrecks herself.
She goes back to talk to Ben. He insists she’s okay and has nothing to worry about and wants her to stop apologizing. You and the rest of America, Ben.
Lauren B. gets the group date rose. Olivia SMASH!
Next up: Becca’s One-On-One, The Cocktail Party, and the Rose Ceremony.