Danielle M.’s One-On-One
Danielle and Nick fly to Newport in a helicopter and land on the back of a yacht. I know what you’re thinking: that shouldn’t be a thing. How can anybody be that rich?
But it is a thing. Newport is in Orange County. People in Orange County are filthy rich. There is a marina in Orange County filled with stupid yachts that have helicopters on them and some that even have smaller yachts housed inside the bigger yachts. So the next time you’re trying to figure out how you’re going to feed your kids, remember, the people of Orange County have more money than probably the 10 poorest states combined and they work at least 75% less.
On the yacht, Nick and Danielle M. drink champagne, eat cheese, and hang out in the hot tub. Exciting.
At the mansion, Liz is wigging out because she has this huge secret (SHE F*CKED NICK AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING IN CASE YOU FORGOT) she’s been carrying and she needs someone to talk to. Enter Christen.
Liz opens up to Christen about hooking up with Nick but only after she swears (SWEARS!) she will never tell a soul. Given the number of wardrobe changes during their conversation I’m going to go out on a limb and say this conversation took place over the course of at least two days.
According to Liz, she and Nick had a lot of sex and a lot of intermittent conversation during their one-night stand. I wonder if he tried to play the “would you rather” game with her. (See my first post if you don’t know what I’m referring to.)
Christen is baffled as to why Liz declined to give Nick her phone number. (As is the rest of America.)
Liz says he was probably just asking for her number to be nice because “he didn’t know her like that”. Yeah, because when you sleep with someone and spend all night talking to them, giving them your contact information so they can reach you to try to get to “know you like that” is too personal. Oy. I’m so glad I’m not 29 anymore.
Back at the adult table in Newport, Nick and Danielle talk about their past relationships over dinner (you know the way most people get to know each other before they indulge in nights of binge-drinking and casual f*cking).
We find out that Danielle found her former fiancé dead from a drug overdose. Rough. That’s one of the harshest sob stories we’ve heard on this franchise. But how did she not know he was an addict?
Not to be outdone, Nick tells Danielle the excruciatingly difficult story of being dumped twice at the Bachelorette altar on national TV (I mean, really, we’re talking about the depths of human suffering here).
Somebody had to “not know” about Nick’s history on the Bachelor franchise so that he could explain it for any of the viewers at home that missed it but are we really supposed to believe that in the entire time leading up to filming and during the first cocktail party that nobody informed Danielle of Nick’s very public past?
Danielle doesn’t like to talk about the dead fiancé because her relationships with other people have ended shortly afterward. Nick says, “I admire you more because of what you’ve been through, not less,” as he is contractually obligated to say whenever his temporary girlfriends confess their most secret sob stories to him on national television.
Danielle gets the rose. Shocker.
Group Date 2
The final group date card arrives at the mansion:
Christen Josephine Astrid Jaime Kristina
“We need to talk… -Nick”
Nick, Liz, Christen, and 4 filler contestants who don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of capturing Nick’s affections go to something called “The Museum of Broken Relationships”. I haven’t been to Hollywood in a really long time but that was definitely not there last time I was.
Is it possible that the producers erected an entire museum just for the show?
The museum is filled with strange artifacts people from around the world have donated that they associate with their breakups (most notable: a cheerleading costume and a pair of breast implants). Nick tells the girls he donated something to the museum and to guess which item is his.
I thought it was gonna be the letter that he wrote to Andi after her season was over but couldn’t deliver because she refused to see him.
Nope. It was a dead rose with the ring he picked out for Kaitlyn. Another Neil Lane plug! Two episodes, two Neil Lane plugs. Maybe he’s not selling enough rings to make it worth his while to donate rings to the contestants so he renegotiated?
How much do you want to bet that the second the crew was done filming in that room, Neil Lane took the ring back?
The women and Nick are alerted to screaming from one of the rooms in the museum where a couple just happens to be “breaking up” in the breakup museum. The curator appears and informs the Bachelor cast members that this is a symposium on “the art of the break up”.
Nick and the girls are going to pretend to break up with Nick. How fun for a first date…
All of this, however, appears to just be an elaborate ruse for a showdown between Nick and Liz. But first, we must sit through the other breakup skits which are all Tony-worthy:
- Astrid snaps the rose Nick gave her night one and hands it back to him saying she can’t date him because he’s dating all her friends.
- Kristina grills Nick about his dental hygiene. He brushed this morning but definitely did not floss (gross. Floss, man. Floss!) Kristina says she cares about him and cares about his oral health. Nick’s mind takes a nosedive into the gutter.
- Jaime breaks up with Nick for not helping out with the dishes and leaving his facial hair all over the sink. Nick says he thought she liked it. It’s one thing to like facial hair, it’s quite another to have to look at it in the sink.
- Christen tells Nick she spent 30 minutes drying her hair for a special date she had planned. Really? Does it take that long? I’d rather shave my head. No one’s got time for that sh*t.
- Josephine slaps him HARD. (I told you that wasn’t real. They just wanted it for the preview.) She asks him how many more bottles she’ll have to pick up before he realizes he’s losing her? After that slap, he’s done drinking.
Liz is last (of course) and decides to make her break up speech about real sh*t (of course). This is how I imagine Liz and her producer spent all of their downtime leading up to her skit:
As Corinne might put it, the skit gets uncomfortable, it gets crazy, it gets weird. The girls are impressed at the detail Liz put into her backstory. Christen looks around in horror, trying to figure out how the other girls can be so blase about Liz airing her and Nick’s dirty laundry in front of an audience. Nick looks like he’d rather be on the moon without a spacesuit than on that stage.
At one point, Liz says she wasn’t ready to let him fully in when they first met. He kind of looks up like he wants to make a joke here but he knows she’s being serious so he can’t. But I can: Well, it sure SOUNDS like you let him fully in!
She also says she wishes Nick had fought for her. Bitch, he asked for your number. You turned him down. How much more do you expect a guy to fight for you after a one night stand?
Nick is worried Liz told all the other women about their history. He needs to have a conversation to find out if it’s something he wants to continue or something he feels isn’t best for either of them (and by “either of them” he means himself).
Group Date 2 – Night Portion
Nick spends a lot of time talking to the other women trying to figure out if Liz has told him anything but it becomes very apparent as the night wears on that she hasn’t said anything… until he talks to Christen.
Remember when Christen SWORE she wouldn’t tell anybody about Liz’s secret? Did anyone ever believe she was going to keep that promise? Anyone? No? Me neither.
Christen: That moment with Liz on stage must have been so awkward for you. I mean it would have been awkward for me.
Nick: What do you mean?
Christen: I mean she told me about your history.
Nick: What EXACTLY did she tell you?
Christen: She told me you guys hooked up at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.
Nick: Thanks for letting me know.
Christen: I really hope we can build on this honesty going forward.
Christen, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but you’re a prop. Your Liz’s confidante. That’s your role. When Liz is gone, your only chance at sticking around is if MAYBE you can transition into a narrator role like Tanner on Kaitlyn’s season but that’s only going to buy you a couple of weeks.
Next Nick says the oddest thing: I need to find out if Liz really wants to pursue a relationship with me or if she’s just using our past to get on TV.
Wait. Aren’t you the guy who keeps finding reasons to go on the same reality TV series time and time again? And now you have the nerve to question whether someone else might have gone on the show because they wanted to be on TV?
I’m gonna let it slide ’cause you’re a hell of a lot more interesting than any of your predecessors but you could have come up with a dozen other reasons to question Liz’s motivations besides her wanting to be on TV. You don’t have a moral leg to stand on in that department.
Finally, Nick and Liz have their long awaited “talk”. (This was the whole point of this date after all.)
Nick: Why didn’t you contact me if you wanted to pursue a relationship? You could have easily gotten my number from Jade.
Liz: Why didn’t you contact ME?
Nick: I asked for your number and you turned me down.
Liz: Yeah, maybe you asked for my number but I didn’t really know you.
Nick: That’s why I asked for your number. To get to know you.
Liz: Well, you were shooting Bachelor in Paradise.
Nick: For like a month.
Liz: Well… well… well, I don’t like having phone conversations with people I already have an established relationship with!
Emily: I’m gonna stop you right there ’cause that was a serious bullshit answer. 1) You said you didn’t know him well enough to give him your phone number and now you say you had an established relationship. Which is it? You knew him or you didn’t know him? 2) What do you mean you don’t like talking to people you have “established relationships” with on the phone? How do you communicate? Telegraph? Carrier pigeon? Smoke signals?
You don’t make any sense. Go away.
Nick: You don’t make any sense. Go away.
Nick sends Liz home.
I am in no way surprised. I knew it was only a matter of time. I just didn’t think it would happen on the second episode. I thought Liz was solid until week 4 or so.
Nick is now faced with having to tell the other women that he slept with Liz.
Nick is a good looking guy who’s kind of famous so there’s no reason he can’t get laid any day of the week and no reason he shouldn’t try if that’s what he wants to do. The fact that one of his former lovers ended up on the show should not be met with any nastiness or jealousy on the part of the other contestants and is the kind of cynical behavior we’ve come to expect of Bachelor producers.
Nick is letting the other women know within days of the season starting. And he sent Liz home so everyone is on a level playing field again. They have nothing to complain about.
So if any of the women object, they should, respectfully, go home and cry to their mommies (or nannies).
At the end of the episode, Nick returns to where the other women have been waiting while Nick and Liz talked. He lets them know Liz is gone and tells them straight up that he slept with her. Annndddd…
To be continued…
In the outtake, Nick and Alexis celebrate the one year anniversary of her boob job with cupcakes with birthday candles stuck through the nipples. Here, Alexis. I know it’s late but I got you a card.
Well, that’s it for this week. I hope you guys had a good time. I’m hoping this week’s episode will be a little more interesting. It makes my job a whole lot easier. Love you guys.
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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:
Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese. (She has a new site. This is the updated link: foolishwatcher.com)
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.