Group Date 2
“I’m done playing the field -Nick”
The date takes place at a track where the women will compete in a mock Olympic track and field competition. (It probably seemed really timely back in September just after the summer Olympics ended and filming started. Not so much in January.)
Allyson Felix (200m dash gold medalist), Carl Lewis (famous Olympic track and field champion of the ’80s and ’90s), and Michelle Carter (who? Oh, right. Shot put. I totally knew that) greet Nick and the women on the field. They announce that the women will be competing for the gold: Nick’s heart.
How long did it take the Bachelor writers to come up with that one?
The Olympians “train” the women for the competition (which is really just a warmup). Astrid wasn’t told that there would be significant jumping on the date so her natural double D’s continually threaten to give her a black eye.
The first competition is the long jump. To make this Bachelor themed, some crew members hold up a crudely constructed wood cutout of a limo behind the sandpit for the women to jump “into”.
The high jump consists of jumping over the bar onto a big mat with Nick’s face on it so that when they land, the women are almost literally sitting on Nick’s face.
The javelins for the javelin throw are outfitted with arrowheads and feathers to look like arrows. The women launch them at a giant fuzzy red heart. Astrid seems to be the only one who actually hits the target.
Rachel: I would love to track and field Nick all day.
Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid are the only three women to make it to the final competition. They advance to the 100 meter dash. Nick will be waiting for the winner in a hot tub nearby. But in order to collect the prize, the winner of the race must grab a large plastic diamond ring at the finish line and bring it to Nick.
Rachel wins the race but knocks over the ring in her attempt to grab it. She doubles back just as Astrid reaches down to steal it out from under her. Rachel steps on the ring to prevent Astrid from getting it but she only manages to shatter it. Astrid, who came in third, grabs the remains of the diamond and rushes to the hot tub and “wins” despite losing.
And the crowd goes wild. 😐
Dominique is sad because Nick isn’t paying attention to her. She’s getting overshadowed and feels like she’s not getting a fair shot. Dominique always gets overlooked. 😥
Group Date 2 – Night Portion
The eight-some goes to some place called “Big Daddy’s” for drinks and makeout sessions with Nick.
Nick grabs Astrid first and gives her a replica of the diamond ring that Rachel smashed before jamming his tongue down her throat.
It’s the only rock she’ll be getting on the show so I hope she enjoys it.
Dominique can’t handle the pressure of Nick not being interested in her. Dom, here’s a little advice from Justin Long in He’s Just Not That Into You. Learn it and learn it well. It’s 100% true. I speak from experience.
Nick and Rachel continue to hit it off. I love that she tells him straight up that she’s had cabin fever and that she’s holding it against him. I’m taking bets now that Rachel will be the first black woman to crack the top four.
When Dominique’s time with Nick comes around, instead of trying to get to know him, she demands to know why he didn’t come up to her at the track and ask if she was okay and find out why she was “in her head”. (Is being in your head a thing? Four different people used that phrase on this date. I’ve heard it occasionally but not so often that I would expect four people to independently use it in the same night.)
Anyway, Dominique, here is why Nick did none of the things you expected him to do:
Because she pushed him, Nick is forced to say that he doesn’t see a future with Dominique. Well, that is surprising.
Nick sends Dominique home.
Nick: I had a pretty rough breakup with Dominique.
This show is really ridiculous sometimes.
Rachel gets the group date rose.
The Pool Party
Nick decides to have a pool party instead of a cocktail party. The women are ecstatic.
As soon as Nick arrives, the women attack him like lions feasting on a recent kill.
He is quickly stripped down to his swimsuit. Raven rubs an unnecessarily excessive amount of sunscreen all over his chest and abs. Jasmine rains kisses all over Nick’s neck in plain view of the other women which makes Nick uncomfortable. Um, why? He seemed to have no problem making out with Danielle L. in front of other women (including Jasmine) on the Backstreet Boys date.
Hmmm… it’s almost like he’s playing favorites. I think it’s safe to say Jasmine is not on the short list of women Nick is considering as possible wives.
Corinne has something up her sleeve to make Nick
want to bone her in broad daylight feel special because of course she does.
The producers went to great lengths to help Corinne with her boner-inducing stunt. They set up a pretty pink and purple bouncy castle (because Corinne is a pretty, pretty princess) in the mansion driveway.
Corinne drags Nick away from the other women to play with her in the bouncy castle.
Nick: I’m spending time with Corinne because she’s
in a bikini bouncing up and down so free boob show playful and I think play is an essential to the foundation of any long-term relationship.
Vanessa and some of the other women go up to the roof of the mansion to see what’s happening in the bouncy castle and get an eyeful of Corinne mounting Nick.
After Corinne is tuckered out from playing in the bouncy castle, she returns to her room for another nap.
Raven, setting the screen on fire in her yellow bikini, sits down with Nick for a serious discussion.
Raven: I think you are making a huge mistake with one girl. Corinne. Did you know she’s 24 and still has a nanny?
I know I should be turned off by that but all I’m thinking about are the role-playing possibilities Okkaayy.
A few other women voice concerns about the amount of attention Corinne is getting but Vanessa is about to swoop down from the heavens like a vengeful angel and nail Nick’s ass to the wall for defiling himself with a common trollop after the emotional and spiritual connection they experienced on their date.
Vanessa: I question what your intentions are. Because I know what we had the other night was really special. And then I saw you riding Corinne in the bouncy castle like it was a rodeo bronc competition.
Nick: I don’t know what you saw…
Vanessa: I saw ENOUGH. I’m not judging Corinne. I’m judging your actions. Are you looking for a wife or are you looking for someone to f*ck around with? Because at this point I’d rather you just not give me a rose.
To be continued… but Vanessa’s not going anywhere. I was 99.9% sure she wasn’t but to make sure I was right, I went back and looked at the season preview. There’s still plenty of footage we haven’t seen of her.
Herein lies the fatal flaw of The Bachelor and its spin-offs. If this were the real world, after Vanessa and Nick’s date, they would stop seeing other people and explore a relationship. But this ISN’T the real world so Nick is still contractually obligated to makeout with as many women as possible and Vanessa has no choice but to endure watching it if she wants to be with him. It destroys the fragile trust of a budding relationship that has the potential to be long-term. It will either destroy them or Nick will eventually come to heel.
Well, the new episode has already started in the east. I hope it’s a good one. I’ll be watching in 2 hours.
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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:
Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese. (She has a new site. This is the updated link: foolishwatcher.com)
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.