Bachelor 2017 Recap: Premiere
Welcome back, Readers!
It’s time to don our bitch caps once more and begin the long journey to find out who Luke Perry 2.0 (or James Dean 3.0) is going to pretend to be engaged to for the next couple of years until he can figure out how to make a consistent living in the limelight. (Come on, I love me some Nick but I can only suspend disbelief so long that he can’t find true love without being in front of a camera. The boy is smoking hot, famous, and interesting aside from his obsession with being on TV. He says he’s on the show to “prove to America that true love is real”. Gimme a break.)
Before I get into the guts of the recap, I wanted to briefly talk about Andi’s book, It’s Not Okay. I broke down and bought it shortly after the end of BIP. I plan to do an in depth review of the book at some point but for now I’ll just say God help Amanda (seriously, Josh is a monster) and relay to you out there in Bachelor Nation what happened in the fantasy suite between Nick and Andi which led her to reject him:
“Oh, where do I even begin? Everything was going so well, he was on top of me as he gazed adoringly into my eyes. As he opened his mouth to speak, I was certain he was going to tell me he loved me. But instead, he asked, ‘Would you rather?’… What the f*ck? I got it – this was a game he and I had played a few times where one person asks ‘would you rather’ this awful thing or that awful thing… Though mortified for him, myself, and this moment, I still decided to throw him a bone…
[I snicker and think, “I thought you were already throwing him a bone.”]
‘Umm… would I rather what?’
‘Would you rather make love… or f*ck?’
What the fuckity f*ck? [Note: I am still unphased at this point. It’s brazen but not out of my comfort zone… yet.]
…In an effort to avoid whatever kinky sh*t came next, I reluctantly responded, ‘Ummm… make love.’
…This should have been the time to take the hint and stop talking, right?
…‘Well, if I had four times, I’d like to f*ck the first three times and make love the fourth.’
So now, really WHAT THE FLYING FUCKITY F*CK F*CK F*CK?”
– Excerpts from It’s Not Okay by Andi Dorfman (asterisks are mine)
For Nick’s sake, I seriously hope his pillow talk has improved or he’s at least realized that it’s probably better to save that kind of talk when you’ve been hittin’ it hard and dirty for a few weeks… or months… or years… or never.
Now onward to the recap…
A Preview of Some of Nick’s Ladies
I’m not going to cover the boring preamble of Nick’s poor pronunciation of the word “bachelor” or his feigned surprise at suddenly being The Bachelor. I also don’t care about the pep talk from former Bachelors. It’s tradition, I get it, but it’s tedious.
Chris Harrison: “…An incredible group of accomplished interesting women from all over the country are dying to compete for our next Bachelor’s heart…”
Accomplished? Interesting? Yeah, I’ll be the judge of that. If you want to put names to faces, check out this link.
Rachel – 31 from Dallas, TX. She’s a civil defense litigator. What does that mean to us unwashed masses? She’s basically the anti-Erin-Brockovich. I suppose companies are innocent until proven guilty just like people are but I’m sure at least some of the ones she’s defended have killed people. I’m also sure she brings in a hefty paycheck from being in league with Lucifer but she’s cute and charming so I’ll let it slide? I’ll at least give her some rope and see if she hangs herself with it.
After a hard day at the office telling children with cancer to f*ck off (I kid, I kid!), she likes to unwind by strapping on her iPod and rocking out while VACUUMING. She needs to get out more.
Danielle L. – 27 from Los Angeles, CA. Nick lives here now so on top of being a head-to-toe smoke show, Danielle is also geographically desirable. She owns three businesses from what I could hear through her mumbling (I guess she and Nick have that in common too). At least one of the businesses is a nail salon… I think. It’s some kind of salon.
She’s beautiful and I’ve got to admire a woman who can build three businesses but she strikes me as a little shallow and high maintenance. Just intuition.
Vanessa – 28 from Quebec, Canada. Speaks French, English, and Italian and is a Special Needs teacher. She’s Italian by birth. She’s beautiful, smart, elegant, sophisticated, caring and just generally way too good for Nick. She could be the Bachelor’s next Sharleen Joynt. We’ll see how the season plays out.
I’m telling you that someone went to the ends of the Earth to find this woman (and by ends of the Earth I mean Canada) because women like this don’t come around every day. If Nick is serious about getting married and we aren’t being conned by an edit that’s going to turn Vanessa into a villain in two weeks, he should 100% choose her.
When I first saw her, she reminded me of an actress. My facial recognition skills set off alarm bells in my brain but I scanned my mental database and couldn’t find a match.
At first I thought it was Madeleine Stowe from The Last of the Mohicans but I looked at her picture and yeah, they have similar coloring but it wasn’t her. Then I thought it might be Marlee Matlin and there were more similarities but I couldn’t find a damned picture of her smiling before she grew old enough to need plastic surgery to continue her career and dyed her hair blonde.
So I decided to see if there was a facial recognition app that would tell people what celebrity they look like. There is! I put Vanessa’s picture in and it gave me someone named Jacqueline Obradors. I was like, “Who?” Yeah, she looked familiar but I didn’t know what I might have seen her in. So I looked at her IMDB page. (CelebsLike.Me is the website, BTW. I don’t look like anyone but I knew that before I put my photo in.)
Anyone remember the 90s film 6 Days and 7 Nights with Anne Heche and Harrison Ford where they fly out from a tropical island in bad weather, get stranded on a deserted island, and fall in love while waiting for rescue? Is it just me?
Do you remember the really hot Latina Ford’s character was dating before he fell for Heche? If you do, THAT is Jacqueline Obradors. 6 Days and 7 Nights is the ONLY thing I’ve ever seen her in but she has been in several well-known films. I do forget faces but I remember them much more than I remember anything else.
Here are some pics to help illustrate my obsession with trying to figure out who Vanessa looked like. I spent literal hours trying to figure it out.
If you’re looking at Marlee Matlin and thinking I’m crazy, check out these two pics:
And now you have some inkling why it takes me all week to write my blogs. Aside from the fact that I’m chronically ill, I might also be moderately mentally ill.
Who do you think Vanessa looks the most like? Let me know in the comments.
Interesting: DOUBLE CHECK
Josephine – 24 from Santa Cruz, CA. She’s a nursing student. Bat shit cray and speaks fluent Cat. She’s going to drive me out of my mind I can tell already.
Accomplished: Meh. Talk to me again when she graduates nursing school.
Raven Gates – 25 from Hoxie, Arkansas. She owns a fashion boutique. I like her goth look that goes with her goth name. Family, faith, and football is what Hoxie runs on. Oy, remind me never to visit Hoxie. There’s nothing wrong with family, faith, or football but I don’t know much about any of them and I’m certain I would be labeled a witch the minute I entered town for my ignorance of the three F’s and my inability to be perky. Raven is cute but probably a little provincial for Nick.
Interesting: More or less.
Corinne – 24 from Miami, FL. Corinne likes to talk about Corinne in the third person (a good indicator that she ranks high on the narcissism scale). Corinne’s life is very glamorous. She lives and works with her filthy rich family. She also still has a nanny. Corinne SAYS she runs a multi-million dollar business but it seems more like daddy let’s her sit in the big chair from time to time and pound all the buttons on the fancy office phone. She’s going to be a nightmare.
Interesting: I’ll let her weigh in: “My heart is gold but…
Best f*cking line ever uttered in the history of history. I can’t say that isn’t interesting.
Alexis – 23 from Secaucus, NJ. We’re never told if she has an actual job. She loves dolphins and/or sharks. Not sure which. I say we throw her in a tank with each species and let her decide. Aside from her distinct ignorance of dolphin anatomy, she is very adorable.
Accomplished: No clue but I doubt it.
Danielle M. – 30 from Nashville, TN. She’s a soft-spoken neonatal nurse. She’s cute and has a gentleness about her that makes it hard not to like her. She’ll go far.
Interesting: More or less.
Taylor – 23 from Seattle, WA. She’s a mental health counselor. She has a Master’s degree already. What have I been doing with my life?
Interesting: I’m leaning towards NO.
Liz – 29 from Las Vegas, Nevada. Did anyone care that she was a doula after finding out she slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding?
Accomplished: Who cares?
Interesting: CHECK CHECK CHECK
Alright, so Chris Harrison wasn’t completely full of sh*t when he said this year’s contestants are accomplished and interesting. I’m much more impressed with this group of women than I have been in any previous season of The Bachelor (not counting Sharleen Joynt).
So what does Nick have to offer? Let’s check out his resume:
Impressive. If anyone is thinking, “But software salesman is a good job, isn’t it?” no, no it isn’t. He probably worked in a call center and maybe met with potential clients when they would deign to consider buying his software. His job was probably commission-based. Is selling toner for printers a good job? It’s probably only a small step up from that.
Next Up: Limo Entrances