Nick_feature_premiere
Nick_feature_premiere

Bachelor 2017 Recap: Premiere

Bachelor 2017 Recap: Premiere

Welcome back, Readers!

It’s time to don our bitch caps once more and begin the long journey to find out who Luke Perry 2.0 (or James Dean 3.0) is going to pretend to be engaged to for the next couple of years until he can figure out how to make a consistent living in the limelight. (Come on, I love me some Nick but I can only suspend disbelief so long that he can’t find true love without being in front of a camera. The boy is smoking hot, famous, and interesting aside from his obsession with being on TV. He says he’s on the show to “prove to America that true love is real”. Gimme a break.)

james_dean_luke_perry_nick_viall
JAMES DEAN, LUKE PERRY, NICK VIALL

Before I get into the guts of the recap, I wanted to briefly talk about Andi’s book, It’s Not Okay. I broke down and bought it shortly after the end of BIP. I plan to do an in depth review of the book at some point but for now I’ll just say God help Amanda (seriously, Josh is a monster) and relay to you out there in Bachelor Nation what happened in the fantasy suite between Nick and Andi which led her to reject him:

“Oh, where do I even begin? Everything was going so well, he was on top of me as he gazed adoringly into my eyes. As he opened his mouth to speak, I was certain he was going to tell me he loved me. But instead, he asked, ‘Would you rather?’… What the f*ck? I got it – this was a game he and I had played a few times where one person asks ‘would you rather’ this awful thing or that awful thing… Though mortified for him, myself, and this moment, I still decided to throw him a bone…

[I snicker and think, “I thought you were already throwing him a bone.”]

‘Umm… would I rather what?’

‘Would you rather make love… or f*ck?’

What the fuckity f*ck? [Note: I am still unphased at this point. It’s brazen but not out of my comfort zone… yet.]

…In an effort to avoid whatever kinky sh*t came next, I reluctantly responded, ‘Ummm… make love.’

…This should have been the time to take the hint and stop talking, right?

‘Well, if I had four times, I’d like to f*ck the first three times and make love the fourth.’

shocked woman

So now, really WHAT THE FLYING FUCKITY F*CK F*CK F*CK?

– Excerpts from It’s Not Okay by Andi Dorfman (asterisks are mine)

ricky gervais laughing

For Nick’s sake, I seriously hope his pillow talk has improved or he’s at least realized that it’s probably better to save that kind of talk when you’ve been hittin’ it hard and dirty for a few weeks… or months… or years… or never.

Now onward to the recap…

A Preview of Some of Nick’s Ladies

I’m not going to cover the boring preamble of Nick’s poor pronunciation of the word “bachelor” or his feigned surprise at suddenly being The Bachelor. I also don’t care about the pep talk from former Bachelors. It’s tradition, I get it, but it’s tedious.

Chris Harrison: “…An incredible group of accomplished interesting women from all over the country are dying to compete for our next Bachelor’s heart…”

Accomplished? Interesting? Yeah, I’ll be the judge of that. If you want to put names to faces, check out this link.

Rachel – 31 from Dallas, TX. She’s a civil defense litigator. What does that mean to us unwashed masses? She’s basically the anti-Erin-Brockovich. I suppose companies are innocent until proven guilty just like people are but I’m sure at least some of the ones she’s defended have killed people. I’m also sure she brings in a hefty paycheck from being in league with Lucifer but she’s cute and charming so I’ll let it slide? I’ll at least give her some rope and see if she hangs herself with it.

After a hard day at the office telling children with cancer to f*ck off (I kid, I kid!), she likes to unwind by strapping on her iPod and rocking out while VACUUMING. She needs to get out more.

Accomplished: CHECK
Interesting: CHECK

Danielle L. – 27 from Los Angeles, CA. Nick lives here now so on top of being a head-to-toe smoke show, Danielle is also geographically desirable. She owns three businesses from what I could hear through her mumbling (I guess she and Nick have that in common too). At least one of the businesses is a nail salon… I think. It’s some kind of salon.

She’s beautiful and I’ve got to admire a woman who can build three businesses but she strikes me as a little shallow and high maintenance. Just intuition.

Accomplished: CHECK
Interesting: NO

Vanessa – 28 from Quebec, Canada. Speaks French, English, and Italian and is a Special Needs teacher. She’s Italian by birth. She’s beautiful, smart, elegant, sophisticated, caring and just generally way too good for Nick. She could be the Bachelor’s next Sharleen Joynt. We’ll see how the season plays out.

I’m telling you that someone went to the ends of the Earth to find this woman (and by ends of the Earth I mean Canada) because women like this don’t come around every day. If Nick is serious about getting married and we aren’t being conned by an edit that’s going to turn Vanessa into a villain in two weeks, he should 100% choose her.

When I first saw her, she reminded me of an actress. My facial recognition skills set off alarm bells in my brain but I scanned my mental database and couldn’t find a match.

At first I thought it was Madeleine Stowe from The Last of the Mohicans but I looked at her picture and yeah, they have similar coloring but it wasn’t her. Then I thought it might be Marlee Matlin and there were more similarities but I couldn’t find a damned picture of her smiling before she grew old enough to need plastic surgery to continue her career and dyed her hair blonde.

So I decided to see if there was a facial recognition app that would tell people what celebrity they look like. There is! I put Vanessa’s picture in and it gave me someone named Jacqueline Obradors. I was like, “Who?” Yeah, she looked familiar but I didn’t know what I might have seen her in. So I looked at her IMDB page. (CelebsLike.Me is the website, BTW. I don’t look like anyone but I knew that before I put my photo in.)

Anyone remember the 90s film 6 Days and 7 Nights with Anne Heche and Harrison Ford where they fly out from a tropical island in bad weather, get stranded on a deserted island, and fall in love while waiting for rescue? Is it just me?

Do you remember the really hot Latina Ford’s character was dating before he fell for Heche? If you do, THAT is Jacqueline Obradors. 6 Days and 7 Nights is the ONLY thing I’ve ever seen her in but she has been in several well-known films. I do forget faces but I remember them much more than I remember anything else.

Here are some pics to help illustrate my obsession with trying to figure out who Vanessa looked like. I spent literal hours trying to figure it out.

Vanessa_look_alikes

If you’re looking at Marlee Matlin and thinking I’m crazy, check out these two pics:

vanessa_marlee_matlin

And now you have some inkling why it takes me all week to write my blogs. Aside from the fact that I’m chronically ill, I might also be moderately mentally ill.

Who do you think Vanessa looks the most like? Let me know in the comments.

Accomplished: CHECK
Interesting: DOUBLE CHECK

Josephine – 24 from Santa Cruz, CA. She’s a nursing student. Bat shit cray and speaks fluent Cat. She’s going to drive me out of my mind I can tell already.

Accomplished: Meh. Talk to me again when she graduates nursing school.
Interesting: CHECK

Raven Gates – 25 from Hoxie, Arkansas. She owns a fashion boutique. I like her goth look that goes with her goth name. Family, faith, and football is what Hoxie runs on. Oy, remind me never to visit Hoxie. There’s nothing wrong with family, faith, or football but I don’t know much about any of them and I’m certain I would be labeled a witch the minute I entered town for my ignorance of the three F’s and my inability to be perky. Raven is cute but probably a little provincial for Nick.

Accomplished: CHECK
Interesting: More or less.

Corinne – 24 from Miami, FL. Corinne likes to talk about Corinne in the third person (a good indicator that she ranks high on the narcissism scale). Corinne’s life is very glamorous. She lives and works with her filthy rich family. She also still has a nanny. Corinne SAYS she runs a multi-million dollar business but it seems more like daddy let’s her sit in the big chair from time to time and pound all the buttons on the fancy office phone. She’s going to be a nightmare.

Accomplished: NO.
Interesting: I’ll let her weigh in: “My heart is gold but…

Corinne: My Vagine is platinum

Best f*cking line ever uttered in the history of history. I can’t say that isn’t interesting.

Alexis – 23 from Secaucus, NJ. We’re never told if she has an actual job. She loves dolphins and/or sharks. Not sure which. I say we throw her in a tank with each species and let her decide. Aside from her distinct ignorance of dolphin anatomy, she is very adorable.

Accomplished: No clue but I doubt it.
Interesting: CHECK

Danielle M. –  30 from Nashville, TN. She’s a soft-spoken neonatal nurse. She’s cute and has a gentleness about her that makes it hard not to like her. She’ll go far.

Accomplished: CHECK
Interesting: More or less.

Taylor – 23 from Seattle, WA. She’s a mental health counselor. She has a Master’s degree already. What have I been doing with my life?

Accomplished: CHECK
Interesting: I’m leaning towards NO.

Liz – 29 from Las Vegas, Nevada. Did anyone care that she was a doula after finding out she slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding?

Accomplished: Who cares?
Interesting: CHECK CHECK CHECK

Alright, so Chris Harrison wasn’t completely full of sh*t when he said this year’s contestants are accomplished and interesting. I’m much more impressed with this group of women than I have been in any previous season of The Bachelor (not counting Sharleen Joynt).

So what does Nick have to offer? Let’s check out his resume:

nick viall resume

Impressive. If anyone is thinking, “But software salesman is a good job, isn’t it?” no, no it isn’t. He probably worked in a call center and maybe met with potential clients when they would deign to consider buying his software. His job was probably commission-based. Is selling toner for printers a good job? It’s probably only a small step up from that.

Next Up: Limo Entrances

14 thoughts on “Bachelor 2017 Recap: Premiere

  1. So glad you’ll be recapping again Emily! It was great to read your posts last week. You did a nice job articulating your thoughts on the current political climate. I was happy to see your update on the premiere after watching tonight’s episode that left us with a To Be Continued… Those Bachelor producers sure like to leave us hanging. I’ll be curious to hear more of your thoughts on Andi’s book in the future. I have not read it but find her to be a little more superficial each time I see her on a program. Did you catch Jimmy Kimmel last week when he had Nick on with Kaitlyn & Andi? It was pretty funny & awkward. Apparently Andi really likes her legs as those shorts could not have been any shorter! As to this season, I’m intrigued by Vanessa in addition to Danielle the neonatal nurse. Rachel should be interesting too. You are right that Corrine will be a nightmare but we do need our villains. The whole Liz thing seemed very contrived & producer orchestrated to me. She reminds me of an actress, possibly a young Lesley Anne Warren? I also think Vanessa looks like Troian Bellisario, who played the smart & sophisticated Spencer on Pretty Little Liars. Taylor is beautiful & has a Zendaya look about her but seems young in spite of her masters degree. I have mixed feelings on what actually motivates Nick so I’m looking forward to seeing how his journey progresses. And I’m looking forward to reading your blog!!!

    • Hi, Julie.

      I just finished watching tonight’s episode and I was left feeling like not much had happened. Most of my material is going to come from the first group date. But it’s kind of a relief for me because there’s less to cover. The premiere is always the hardest.

      I actually did watch Jimmy Kimmel last week. It’s the first time I ever watched his show. It was definitely awkward but it was actually Kaitlyn who struck me as the most superficial. However, Andi’s book was hard to take. There were moments I hated her and moments I loved her but the worst part was having to relive domestic violence vicariously through Andi. I was seething with rage by the end of the book. It took me a couple of days to get over it.

      The Bachelor producers were actually at Jade and Tanner’s wedding so they could have remembered her and approached her to be on the show when they decided on Nick. It does feel very contrived. I’m surprised she went home so soon but it was only a matter of time.

      You’re right. Vanessa does look a little like Troian Bellasario. I think you’re right about Liz and Leslie Ann Warren too but I’m having trouble recalling her face.

      I have been on the fence about Nick’s motivations for awhile. I remember looking at his Twitter feed after the hoopla around Andi’s season died down and he posted a couple of tweets that seemed depressed and lonely like he missed the attention. I think he was a nerd his whole life and finally people started paying attention to him and I think it went to his head. In his heart, I think he’s a truly unique person but he may have to learn his lesson the hard way about Hollywood before he can move on and lead a truly authentic life. I don’t know for sure but my gut says he’s not doing that now.

      Thanks for commenting. I really appreciate it!

  2. Thank you for another wonderful recap! My two favorites are Vanessa and Danielle M. I’m glad to read that you like them, too!

    I haven’t read Andi’s book, so I thought that info you included was very interesting. By the way, I heard that Josh and Amanda are no longer engaged… What a surprise. lol

    • They are my two favorites as well. I’m just not sure Nick is on the show “for the right reasons” so I think there’s a good chance he’ll choose Danielle L.

      I’m actually really glad to hear Josh and Amanda aren’t engaged anymore. He is an abusive jerk and my biggest complaint about Andi’s book is that she presented it as a lighthearted method to survive a breakup instead of what it really was: a serious story about surviving domestic violence. Having been in a couple of abusive relationships, I take this stuff really seriously.

      Andi should have warned Amanda. People like to let others decide for themselves about people they know are not good relationship material but I think one should make an exception in cases of domestic violence.

      I would have no problem telling a future girlfriend of one of my exes what he did to me and I have interfered in neighbor’s domestic disputes when I heard a guy hit a woman.

      But physical violence is not the only kind of violence. Verbal violence can be worse.

      I was left shaking with rage after reading the book because of what Josh did and Andi’s misunderstanding of what happened to her.

      If we don’t warn people when they’re getting involved in an abusive relationship, it will keep happening. We also need to be watchful of any friends who might be in an abusive relationship.

      It’s not okay in my book to just let people make up their own minds. We need to take care of our friends. We can’t stop people from doing what they’re going to do but we can warn people and call someone what they are: an abuser. We can then keep an eye on potential victims.

      We also need to make it very public that domestic violence is not necessarily what we see on TV. Abusers are often very charming and not people you’d expect to be abusive.

      A lot has been said about it but I don’t think it has really hit home for most people. They need to know ALL the signs of an abuser.

      Sorry this is so long. There were some interesting things about Nick and the Bachelor selection process but it was the story of Josh’s abuse housed in lighthearted fare that shook me to my core.

      Thanks for the comment and your ongoing support of my writing. I really appreciate it.

      Thanks!

      • Wow– I actually had no idea that Josh was like that. I need to read Andi’s book. I feel that it was treated too lightly on TV, now. In fact, he shouldn’t have been allowed on BIP at all; the show is more concerned with having an interesting villain for ratings, than they are with what he actually did. I feel like his behavior was rewarded, now. “Abuse housed in lighthearted fare,” as you so aptly put it.
        I was emotionally and verbally abused in the past, so I really appreciate your answer.

        • To be clear, Josh was primarily an emotional abuser. I don’t recall physical abuse but abusers can turn on a dime and become physical. The first real physical abuse I experienced with my ex was when he strangled me.

          Andi was afraid for her life. That’s enough that he should have been called what he was and not been allowed on the show. I think the only reason they brought him back one was as a foil for Nick because they had a plan to reshape his image so he could be the Bachelor. I don’t think Nick would have agreed to go on BIP if he didn’t have a shot at being a lead.

          The producers are totally irresponsible and always have been. All they care about is viewership.

  3. Today I really needed some giggles, and you delivered. I love your sense of humor.

    Usually when I see someone list each and every contestant I rarely finish reading all the comments, but you made it interesting and fun with the job descriptions you created for each woman. Pure genius. You are now my absolute favorite blogger.

    Looking forward to your next recap because I found the the 2nd episode pretty boring. Too much Liz, and way too much Corrine. Your recaps are always fun to read.

    • Thank you, Vicki! It means a lot to me to be anyone’s favorite blogger.

      Yeah, the second episode was a bit of a snooze but ill figure out how to spruce it up. Corinne was hilarious so there’s some good material there.

      I’m glad I could deliver some giggles. I aim to entertain.

      Thanks for your comment! I really appreciate it!

  4. The “missing” rose was the first impression rose to Rachel (which makes 22 who had roses and 8 got cut). Your job descriptions were quite funny.

    • Hi, Edie.

      Thank you! I could not for the life of me figure out who I missed.

      Glad you liked the job descriptions!

      Thanks for the comment. I really appreciate it.

  5. Glad to have you back! I missed the weekly laugh fest that is your awesome recap posts! And one of the chicks, Angie Jolie’s mouth double, is from my hometown. She is definitely just trying to make her big break. Maybe not, but….

    • Hey, Jaime!

      Glad to have you back too!

      Well, she didn’t get her big break so I guess she’s back in town.

      Thanks for the comment! Always appreciated! 🙂

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