Nick_feature_premiere
Nick_feature_premiere

Bachelor 2017 Recap: Premiere

Limo Entrances

Again, if you want to put names to faces, check out this link. At least half the women wore red dresses so I can’t identify them by what they wore (with one notable exception).

Since The Bachelor producers find ways to make their contestants’ minimum wage jobs sound more impressive than they actually are, I’ve decided I’m going to cross out any job description I find boring (so most of them) and make it sound more interesting.

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1. Danielle L. 27 – Los Angeles, CA: Business Owner Asian Elvira. We saw her in the previews. She’s dressed to impress in a black dress cut down to her navel. Nick is duly impressed by Danielle’s cleavage.

2. Elizabeth 24 – Dallas, TX: Marketing Manager Square Dance Apparel Designer. She bores me.

3. Rachel 31 – Dallas, TX: Civil Defense Litigator Satan’s Secretary. We saw her in the previews. Her opening line: “I just finished filling out my fantasy teams but the only plays I want to make this season are for your heart.”

picard_face_palm

4. Christen 25 – Tulsa, OK: Wedding Videographer Cake Topper. Her opening move: Sexy fan dance before revealing herself to Nick. She then promptly ruins any sense of intrigue Nick might have felt by saying she feels like she’s meeting a celebrity. Annnndddd she is immediately placed in the friend zone.

Christen, honey, baby, sweetie. All the girls feel like they’re meeting a celebrity because technically, Nick IS a celebrity. But you have to treat him like he’s some rando hitting on you at a bar until he proves worthy of your digits. AMIRITE? This IS Nick we’re talking about. The guy who fought 24 other guys TWICE over a girl. If he’s not chasing you, he’s running away from you.

5. Taylor 23 – Seattle, WA: Mental Health Counselor Patient Who Thinks She’s One of the Doctors. We saw her in the previews. She’s beautiful but she could really use a cheeseburger. And isn’t 23 a little young for Nick who’s now 36?

Her opening line: “My friends think you’re a total POS.” Oh, well. I don’t think he was ever gonna meet her friends anyway so no big loss.

6. Kristina 24 – Lexington, KY: Dental Hygienist (another one?) Former Russian Olympic Figure Skater Who Came in 4th and Mistakes the Bachelor Mansion Kitchen for the “Kiss and Cry (but mostly cry)” Area. She’s pretty and Russian. I can’t say much else for her.

7. Angela 26 – Greenville, SC: Model Angelina Jolie Mouth Double. She says she seriously would not be on the show if Nick wasn’t the Bachelor. Sure. Because unknown models always turn down the opportunity to further their careers by appearing on national television if the conditions aren’t exactly to their liking.

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8. Lauren 30 – Naples, FL.: Law School Graduate Former Porn Star Who Got Her Porn Name by Reversing Her First and Last Names: Hussy Lauren. Lauren had the foresight to not wear a red dress and be the only Lauren on this season of The Bachelor but not the sense to not remind Nick how horrible his last name is. His Last name is Viall and hers is Hussy so if they got married and decided to hyphenate, they’d be the Viall-Hussy’s. I don’t envy their would-be children.

9. Michelle 20 – Los Angeles, CA: Food Truck Owner Roach Coach CEO. 20? Really? Nick could be her dad… but only if his high school sweetheart was black. There are black people in Wisconsin, right?

Her opening line: “I know your past relationships have been lemons but I thought we could make some lemonade.”

I think that would necessarily mean she’s also a lemon because you can’t make lemonade without lemons.

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10. Dominique 25 – Los Angeles, CA.: Restaurant Server (I THINK YOU MEAN WAITRESS!!!) Reigning Women’s Gymnastics All-Around Olympic Gold-Medalist Simone Biles’s Alternate on Vault (the only reason Simone won 4 gold medals instead of 5 at the 2016 Summer Games. They are no longer besties.) She seems like a nice girl but it’ll be a cold day in hell before Nick marries a waitress.

11. Marie 23 – Harlington, TX: Sales Manager Doily Someone Experimented on Using Blue Tie Dye that You’ve Seen Sitting on the Same Shelf at the Salvation Army Thrift Store Since You Started Shopping There in 1992. I’m sure she’s a lovely human being but her two piece blue lace jumpsuit is just not my cup of tea.

Her opening line: “Relationships are built on trust so I thought we could do a trust fall.” Nick catches her.

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12. Olivia 25 – Anchorage, AK: Apparel Sales Rep Ice Motel Architect (AKA Eskimo! Cool!) She gives Nick an Eskimo kiss (’cause she’s an Eskimo!) I am disappointed that Nick sent the only Eskimo in the history of ever to appear on reality television home on the first night.

13. Sarah 26 – Newport Beach, CA: Grade School Teacher Sesame Street Alphabet Spokesperson and Advocate. She runs up the driveway in white sneakers and something lavender that only passes as an evening gown because of the side slit. Her opening line: “Now we’re both runner ups but you’ll never be a runner up to me.” DOA.

14. Jasmine G. 29 – San Francisco, CA: Pro Basketball Dancer (SHE’S A CHEERLEADER, DAMN YOU!) Professional Basket Weaver. She brings Neil Lane with her and lets Nick know her ring size and which ring she wants. I like that she came up with a stunt that would shock and awe without resorting to puns.

15. Hailey 23 – Vancouver, BC, Canada: Photographer Novice Nun. Her opening line: “Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?” Nick: “No.” Hailey: “Neither do I.”

Face desk - when face palm just don't cut it

Oh, dear God. We’re only halfway through the entrances.

16. Astrid 26 – Tampa, FL: Plastic Surgery Office Manager  German Ambassador to Djibouti. She asks Nick in German if he’s seen her breasts. She lets him know they’re real. Nick has no idea what she’s saying but is pretty sure she said the word “sex”. Oooo… so close.

17. Liz 29 – Las Vegas, NV, Doula Bridesmaid Who F*cked Nick at Jade and Tanner’s Wedding. Liz doesn’t tell Nick who she is and wants to see if he’ll remember her. SO. DO. WE. Because seriously how many people do you have to sleep with in a given day to forget the one conquest who’s a friend of a friend that you slept with at said friend’s wedding?

I would have lost all respect for him if he hadn’t remembered but I do wonder how much he really remembered and how much he was reminded to remember so he wouldn’t look like a total douche-nozzle on night one of his Bachelor season.

18. Corinne 24 – Miami, FL: Business Owner The Only Child Mary Poppins Ever Deemed Irredeemable. (Ms. Poppins gave Corinne a spoonful of poison to spare the world but it only served to turn Corinne’s p*ssy platinum.) Corinne gives Nick a “hug token” and tells him to come find her and cash it in later. Save your money, Nick. She’s giving it ALL away for free.

19. Vanessa 29 – Montreal, QC, Canada: Special Education Teacher… AND The French Ambassador to Djibouti. We saw her in the previews. I love her dress. It looks like there’s a giant white spider on it. She speaks to Nick in French and I know almost enough French to know what she says without looking at the subtitles. And it’s good to see Nick knows almost enough French to be able to say his name.

Nick: “Yeah, she’s a keeper.” No sh*t. If he doesn’t marry her, I will.

20. Danielle M. 31 – Nashville, TN: Neonatal Nurse… AND Unicorn Whisperer. We saw her in the preview. She brings Nick maple syrup and feeds him some of it with her finger… and then puts her finger in her mouth. This is for you, Danielle:

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21. Raven 25 – Hoxie, Arkansas: Fashion Boutique Owner Edgar Allen Poe’s Muse (She’s immortal). We saw her in the previews. She teaches Nick some kind of cheer. What is pig suey? Is that like chop suey? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

22. Jaimi 28 – New Orleans, LA: Chef Crawdad Slayer. She let’s Nick know she has balls. I’m not gonna lie. I thought for a minute it might be true but then I thought to myself, “Wait. This is The Bachelor. I don’t see Nick even considering marrying a transgender woman.” And then she flipped her nose ring with the two little balls on the end out.

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23. Brianna 28 – Salt Lake City, UT: Surgical Unit Nurse World-Class Safe Cracker. She asks Nick if she can listen to his heart (with the stethoscope she uses to crack safes! See what I did there?)

24. Susannah 26 – San Diego, California: Account Manager Beard Masseuse. She gives Nick a beard massage. That is very strange.

25. Josephine 24 – Santa Cruz, CA: Nursing Student Bad Celebrity Impressionist. We saw her in the previews having a fake conversation with Nick where she played both herself and Nick. Josephine approaches Nick with a book. She opens it and there’s a cut out with a hot dog inside.

Her opening line: “You’ll always be a wiener in my book. Do you want to Lady and the Tramp this edible phallus with me? And P.S. it’s not cooked.”

Nick is a good sport and agrees but you can tell he in no way wants to do this. They decide it was a bad idea after both their gag reflexes are activated.

26. Brittany 26 – Santa Monica, CA: Traveling Nurse Proctologist. She puts on a latex glove and asks Nick to bend over. Sadly, we never get to find out what happens next.

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27. Jasmine B. 25 –  Tacoma, WA: Flight Attendant of The Navigator Screenwriter. Her opening line: “Hi.”

28. Whitney 25 – Chanhassen, MN: Pilates Instructor Snake Charmer. Her opening line: “Hi.”

29. Lacey 25 – Manhattan, NY: Digital Marketing Manager Camel Shepherd. Lacey enters on a camel. Nick says he’s never seen a camel before. I’m assuming he means in person because if he had really never seen a camel before, I’m not sure how he recognized one when he saw one.

Lacey’s Opening Line: “I hear you like a good hump.”

Boy, the Bachelor producers will spare no expense for a dumb good pun.

30. Alexis 23 – Secaucus, NJ: Aspiring Dolphin Trainer Costume Owner. We saw her in the previews. She shows up in a shark costume thinking she’s a dolphin. Check out my rant about the “dolphin” costume here.

Oh, thank Jesus that’s over. Limo entrances officially done.

Next Up: The Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

14 thoughts on “Bachelor 2017 Recap: Premiere

  1. So glad you’ll be recapping again Emily! It was great to read your posts last week. You did a nice job articulating your thoughts on the current political climate. I was happy to see your update on the premiere after watching tonight’s episode that left us with a To Be Continued… Those Bachelor producers sure like to leave us hanging. I’ll be curious to hear more of your thoughts on Andi’s book in the future. I have not read it but find her to be a little more superficial each time I see her on a program. Did you catch Jimmy Kimmel last week when he had Nick on with Kaitlyn & Andi? It was pretty funny & awkward. Apparently Andi really likes her legs as those shorts could not have been any shorter! As to this season, I’m intrigued by Vanessa in addition to Danielle the neonatal nurse. Rachel should be interesting too. You are right that Corrine will be a nightmare but we do need our villains. The whole Liz thing seemed very contrived & producer orchestrated to me. She reminds me of an actress, possibly a young Lesley Anne Warren? I also think Vanessa looks like Troian Bellisario, who played the smart & sophisticated Spencer on Pretty Little Liars. Taylor is beautiful & has a Zendaya look about her but seems young in spite of her masters degree. I have mixed feelings on what actually motivates Nick so I’m looking forward to seeing how his journey progresses. And I’m looking forward to reading your blog!!!

    • Hi, Julie.

      I just finished watching tonight’s episode and I was left feeling like not much had happened. Most of my material is going to come from the first group date. But it’s kind of a relief for me because there’s less to cover. The premiere is always the hardest.

      I actually did watch Jimmy Kimmel last week. It’s the first time I ever watched his show. It was definitely awkward but it was actually Kaitlyn who struck me as the most superficial. However, Andi’s book was hard to take. There were moments I hated her and moments I loved her but the worst part was having to relive domestic violence vicariously through Andi. I was seething with rage by the end of the book. It took me a couple of days to get over it.

      The Bachelor producers were actually at Jade and Tanner’s wedding so they could have remembered her and approached her to be on the show when they decided on Nick. It does feel very contrived. I’m surprised she went home so soon but it was only a matter of time.

      You’re right. Vanessa does look a little like Troian Bellasario. I think you’re right about Liz and Leslie Ann Warren too but I’m having trouble recalling her face.

      I have been on the fence about Nick’s motivations for awhile. I remember looking at his Twitter feed after the hoopla around Andi’s season died down and he posted a couple of tweets that seemed depressed and lonely like he missed the attention. I think he was a nerd his whole life and finally people started paying attention to him and I think it went to his head. In his heart, I think he’s a truly unique person but he may have to learn his lesson the hard way about Hollywood before he can move on and lead a truly authentic life. I don’t know for sure but my gut says he’s not doing that now.

      Thanks for commenting. I really appreciate it!

  2. Thank you for another wonderful recap! My two favorites are Vanessa and Danielle M. I’m glad to read that you like them, too!

    I haven’t read Andi’s book, so I thought that info you included was very interesting. By the way, I heard that Josh and Amanda are no longer engaged… What a surprise. lol

    • They are my two favorites as well. I’m just not sure Nick is on the show “for the right reasons” so I think there’s a good chance he’ll choose Danielle L.

      I’m actually really glad to hear Josh and Amanda aren’t engaged anymore. He is an abusive jerk and my biggest complaint about Andi’s book is that she presented it as a lighthearted method to survive a breakup instead of what it really was: a serious story about surviving domestic violence. Having been in a couple of abusive relationships, I take this stuff really seriously.

      Andi should have warned Amanda. People like to let others decide for themselves about people they know are not good relationship material but I think one should make an exception in cases of domestic violence.

      I would have no problem telling a future girlfriend of one of my exes what he did to me and I have interfered in neighbor’s domestic disputes when I heard a guy hit a woman.

      But physical violence is not the only kind of violence. Verbal violence can be worse.

      I was left shaking with rage after reading the book because of what Josh did and Andi’s misunderstanding of what happened to her.

      If we don’t warn people when they’re getting involved in an abusive relationship, it will keep happening. We also need to be watchful of any friends who might be in an abusive relationship.

      It’s not okay in my book to just let people make up their own minds. We need to take care of our friends. We can’t stop people from doing what they’re going to do but we can warn people and call someone what they are: an abuser. We can then keep an eye on potential victims.

      We also need to make it very public that domestic violence is not necessarily what we see on TV. Abusers are often very charming and not people you’d expect to be abusive.

      A lot has been said about it but I don’t think it has really hit home for most people. They need to know ALL the signs of an abuser.

      Sorry this is so long. There were some interesting things about Nick and the Bachelor selection process but it was the story of Josh’s abuse housed in lighthearted fare that shook me to my core.

      Thanks for the comment and your ongoing support of my writing. I really appreciate it.

      Thanks!

      • Wow– I actually had no idea that Josh was like that. I need to read Andi’s book. I feel that it was treated too lightly on TV, now. In fact, he shouldn’t have been allowed on BIP at all; the show is more concerned with having an interesting villain for ratings, than they are with what he actually did. I feel like his behavior was rewarded, now. “Abuse housed in lighthearted fare,” as you so aptly put it.
        I was emotionally and verbally abused in the past, so I really appreciate your answer.

        • To be clear, Josh was primarily an emotional abuser. I don’t recall physical abuse but abusers can turn on a dime and become physical. The first real physical abuse I experienced with my ex was when he strangled me.

          Andi was afraid for her life. That’s enough that he should have been called what he was and not been allowed on the show. I think the only reason they brought him back one was as a foil for Nick because they had a plan to reshape his image so he could be the Bachelor. I don’t think Nick would have agreed to go on BIP if he didn’t have a shot at being a lead.

          The producers are totally irresponsible and always have been. All they care about is viewership.

  3. Today I really needed some giggles, and you delivered. I love your sense of humor.

    Usually when I see someone list each and every contestant I rarely finish reading all the comments, but you made it interesting and fun with the job descriptions you created for each woman. Pure genius. You are now my absolute favorite blogger.

    Looking forward to your next recap because I found the the 2nd episode pretty boring. Too much Liz, and way too much Corrine. Your recaps are always fun to read.

    • Thank you, Vicki! It means a lot to me to be anyone’s favorite blogger.

      Yeah, the second episode was a bit of a snooze but ill figure out how to spruce it up. Corinne was hilarious so there’s some good material there.

      I’m glad I could deliver some giggles. I aim to entertain.

      Thanks for your comment! I really appreciate it!

  4. The “missing” rose was the first impression rose to Rachel (which makes 22 who had roses and 8 got cut). Your job descriptions were quite funny.

    • Hi, Edie.

      Thank you! I could not for the life of me figure out who I missed.

      Glad you liked the job descriptions!

      Thanks for the comment. I really appreciate it.

  5. Glad to have you back! I missed the weekly laugh fest that is your awesome recap posts! And one of the chicks, Angie Jolie’s mouth double, is from my hometown. She is definitely just trying to make her big break. Maybe not, but….

    • Hey, Jaime!

      Glad to have you back too!

      Well, she didn’t get her big break so I guess she’s back in town.

      Thanks for the comment! Always appreciated! 🙂

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