The Cocktail Party
Rachel and Nick have an interesting conversation. This is where we find out Rachel is a civil defense litigator. Nick has no idea what that means. Here’s a hint:
Christen teaches Nick the box step. Seriously? A 36-year-old man has never done the box step before? I learned it when I was like six. I’m no good at it because I’m about as coordinated as a three-legged horse but at least I’ve done it. Nick is only five years younger than me. For as intelligent as he is, I think it’s time to broaden his cultural horizons.
Nick gets super flustered talking to Danielle L.’s (Asian Elvira) exposed cleavage.
Sometime in the past (I can’t remember why) I was looking up pictures of Nick on Google image search and I saw one of him from before he was on TV with a girlfriend who is the spitting image of Danielle L. So she’s definitely his type.
Raven asks Nick to tell her something nobody else knows about him. He says that’s kind of hard since he’s been on TV so much and has pretty much said it all. Hmmm… how about this?: I F*CKED ONE OF YOUR FELLOW CONTESTANTS 9 MONTHS AGO AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING. But maybe that’s a little much for a first date.
Corinne gives Nick a bag of love tokens which are pretty much worthless since she probably would have given him her platinum p*ssy for free then and there if it would get her a rose.
Vanessa tells Nick her friend submitted her for the show. Yeah, that’s not possible. If you read Andi’s book, you’ll get a better idea of what the process is. Her friend may have pushed her into auditioning but she had to show up at the audition. Apparently, Vanessa was hoping that Nick would be the next Bachelor but her friend said that was impossible.
Nick and Vanessa have instant chemistry but just as they are about to lock lips Corinne interrupts and lip blocks Vanessa. Vanessa is frightened by the glare of shiny metal sparkling from between Corinne’s legs and scampers off.
Corinne goes in for the kill and gets the first kiss of the season. Nick didn’t feel comfortable but admires the bold move. Liz be like:
The girls fight over Nick’s attention. Some are reduced to tears, fearing they won’t get any time before the rose ceremony. At some point you have to be realistic and realize that there’s only so much time before dawn and that they aren’t going to be able to squeeze in 30 one-on-one interviews.
I do respect the fact that Nick is the only bachelor I know of who said no to someone in order to be fair to somebody else. Up until this point, I thought Bachelors weren’t allowed to say no if another woman demanded their attention.
Toward the end of the night, the dolphin/shark is wasted and decides to go in the pool and start calling out to any other dolphins who might be hanging out in the tiny Bachelor mansion ocean. Since she doesn’t know the difference between a shark and a dolphin, I have to assume she also doesn’t know that the majority of dolphins/sharks live in saltwater.
Nick approaches her looking dapper AF with a glass of some caramel colored liquor and asks Alexis what’s with her shark outfit. I am so happy that Nick is just like, “That’s a shark costume. There’s no argument here. You’re a dolphin who thinks she’s a shark.”
It should never have even been a topic of debate. It’s not controversial. In my previous science lecture, I didn’t mention the other anatomical differences between sharks and dolphins but the placement of the mouth back from the nose with the giant teeth is also like the anatomy of a shark. A dolphin’s mouth is located where we would say our noses are even though dolphins’ noses are on top of their heads. Dolphins also have very tiny teeth.
And now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for… Nick confronts Liz (BRIDESMAID NICK F*CKED AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING IN CASE YOU FORGOT).
Liz tells Nick she doesn’t want him to think she’s there because he’s the Bachelor because she doesn’t want him to think she’s a bunny boiler. But at the same time doesn’t she want him to think she’s glad he’s the bachelor?
Liz also essentially tells Nick she thought he was kind of a dick when she met him but then she watched Bachelor in Paradise last summer and decided he wasn’t as much of a dick as she originally believed. So… you thought he was a dick when you met him for reals but decided you liked him when you saw him on TV which isn’t for reals?
This conversation is not going well for her.
I don’t know how long she’s going to last. Probably until all the other girls find out Nick slept with her and the producers squeeze every last bit of drama they can out of the fact that she slept with Nick. THEN Nick will drop her like a hot potato.
Danielle M. (neonatal nurse and unicorn whisperer) and Nick seem to have a good connection too. I definitely like this girl.
The First Impression Rose
Nick grabs the first impression rose and heads outside. We think he’s headed in Vanessa’s direction but psyche! He grabs Rachel instead.
Rachel is the first black woman in Bachelor history to get the first impression rose. Hurrah! Racism is over.
…And then Tila Tequila posed for photographs at a Maggiano’s in November with white supremacists celebrating our new president’s election. Did she bleach her brain when she went blonde? Did she forget she’s Vietnamese and that her new friends want to erase her from existence?
- Danielle L.
- Elizabeth W.
- Jasmine G.
- Danielle M.
Did I miss one? I thought they said he had to cut 8. Oh, well. We’ll find out tonight.
I’m not going to comment on the preview ’cause they’re always full of crap except to say that I don’t think Josephine actually slapped Nick. It was probably one of those stupid group dates where they have to act out a scene on stage.
After the preview, we see Nick ask a magic eight ball if he’ll get a happy ending. The response: “Very Doubtful”.
This was pretty easy. Too easy. I feel like maybe we’re being duped.
Top four: Vanessa, Danielle M., Danielle L., Rachel
Top four alternate: Raven
Winner: Danielle L. or Vanessa depending on Nick’s motivations. If he’s serious about getting married, he’ll pick Vanessa. If he wants a f*ck toy who will be cool with a pretend engagement in order to make money living in the spotlight for a couple years until they can land permanent gigs in the entertainment industry, he’ll pick Danielle L.
Next Bachelorette: Danielle L. or Vanessa, whoever Nick doesn’t choose. I’m pretty sure the producers wanted Caila to be the first minority Bachelorette last year but she wasn’t right in the head. Danielle L. could certainly fill that role. Rachel could too but I’m not sure America is ready for a black lead. I am but I don’t make the rules.
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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:
Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese. (She has a new site. This is the updated link: foolishwatcher.com)
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.