Nick_feature_premiere
Nick_feature_premiere

Bachelor 2017 Recap: Premiere

The Cocktail Party

Rachel and Nick have an interesting conversation. This is where we find out Rachel is a civil defense litigator. Nick has no idea what that means. Here’s a hint:

rachel_devils_advocate

Christen teaches Nick the box step. Seriously? A 36-year-old man has never done the box step before? I learned it when I was like six. I’m no good at it because I’m about as coordinated as a three-legged horse but at least I’ve done it. Nick is only five years younger than me. For as intelligent as he is, I think it’s time to broaden his cultural horizons.

Nick gets super flustered talking to Danielle L.’s (Asian Elvira) exposed cleavage.

boobs_my_eyes_are_up_here

Sometime in the past (I can’t remember why) I was looking up pictures of Nick on Google image search and I saw one of him from before he was on TV with a girlfriend who is the spitting image of Danielle L. So she’s definitely his type.

Raven asks Nick to tell her something nobody else knows about him. He says that’s kind of hard since he’s been on TV so much and has pretty much said it all. Hmmm… how about this?: I F*CKED ONE OF YOUR FELLOW CONTESTANTS 9 MONTHS AGO AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING. But maybe that’s a little much for a first date.

Corinne gives Nick a bag of love tokens which are pretty much worthless since she probably would have given him her platinum p*ssy for free then and there if it would get her a rose.

Vanessa tells Nick her friend submitted her for the show. Yeah, that’s not possible. If you read Andi’s book, you’ll get a better idea of what the process is. Her friend may have pushed her into auditioning but she had to show up at the audition. Apparently, Vanessa was hoping that Nick would be the next Bachelor but her friend said that was impossible.

unicorn_man_nothing_is_impossible

Nick and Vanessa have instant chemistry but just as they are about to lock lips Corinne interrupts and lip blocks Vanessa. Vanessa is frightened by the glare of shiny metal sparkling from between Corinne’s legs and scampers off.

Corinne goes in for the kill and gets the first kiss of the season. Nick didn’t feel comfortable but admires the bold move. Liz be like:

maleficent_angelina_jolie_evil_smile

The girls fight over Nick’s attention. Some are reduced to tears, fearing they won’t get any time before the rose ceremony. At some point you have to be realistic and realize that there’s only so much time before dawn and that they aren’t going to be able to squeeze in 30 one-on-one interviews.

I do respect the fact that Nick is the only bachelor I know of who said no to someone in order to be fair to somebody else. Up until this point, I thought Bachelors weren’t allowed to say no if another woman demanded their attention.

Toward the end of the night, the dolphin/shark is wasted and decides to go in the pool and start calling out to any other dolphins who might be hanging out in the tiny Bachelor mansion ocean. Since she doesn’t know the difference between a shark and a dolphin, I have to assume she also doesn’t know that the majority of dolphins/sharks live in saltwater.

Nick approaches her looking dapper AF with a glass of some caramel colored liquor and asks Alexis what’s with her shark outfit. I am so happy that Nick is just like, “That’s a shark costume. There’s no argument here.  You’re a dolphin who thinks she’s a shark.”

woman_blowing_hearts_kisses

It should never have even been a topic of debate. It’s not controversial. In my previous science lecture, I didn’t mention the other anatomical differences between sharks and dolphins but the placement of the mouth back from the nose with the giant teeth is also like the anatomy of a shark. A dolphin’s mouth is located where we would say our noses are even though dolphins’ noses are on top of their heads. Dolphins also have very tiny teeth.

And now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for… Nick confronts Liz (BRIDESMAID NICK F*CKED AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING IN CASE YOU FORGOT).

Liz tells Nick she doesn’t want him to think she’s there because he’s the Bachelor because she doesn’t want him to think she’s a bunny boiler. But at the same time doesn’t she want him to think she’s glad he’s the bachelor?

Liz also essentially tells Nick she thought he was kind of a dick when she met him but then she watched Bachelor in Paradise last summer and decided he wasn’t as much of a dick as she originally believed. So… you thought he was a dick when you met him for reals but decided you liked him when you saw him on TV which isn’t for reals?

This conversation is not going well for her.

I don’t know how long she’s going to last. Probably until all the other girls find out Nick slept with her and the producers squeeze every last bit of drama they can out of the fact that she slept with Nick. THEN Nick will drop her like a hot potato.

Danielle M. (neonatal nurse and unicorn whisperer) and Nick seem to have a good connection too. I definitely like this girl.

The First Impression Rose

Nick grabs the first impression rose and heads outside. We think he’s headed in Vanessa’s direction but psyche! He grabs Rachel instead.

Rachel is the first black woman in Bachelor history to get the first impression rose. Hurrah! Racism is over.

fireworks

…And then Tila Tequila posed for photographs at a Maggiano’s in November with white supremacists celebrating our new president’s election. Did she bleach her brain when she went blonde? Did she forget she’s Vietnamese and that her new friends want to erase her from existence?

Rose Ceremony

  1. Vanessa
  2. Danielle L.
  3. Kristen
  4. Astrid
  5. Corinne
  6. Elizabeth W.
  7. Jasmine G.
  8. Raven
  9. Kristina
  10. Danielle M.
  11. Sarah
  12. Josephine
  13. Lacey
  14. Taylor
  15. Alexis
  16. Hailey
  17. Whitney
  18. Dominique
  19. Jaimi
  20. Brittany
  21. Liz

Did I miss one? I thought they said he had to cut 8. Oh, well. We’ll find out tonight.

I’m not going to comment on the preview ’cause they’re always full of crap except to say that I don’t think Josephine actually slapped Nick. It was probably one of those stupid group dates where they have to act out a scene on stage.

After the preview, we see Nick ask a magic eight ball if he’ll get a happy ending. The response: “Very Doubtful”.

leonardo_dicaprio_classic

My Predictions

This was pretty easy. Too easy. I feel like maybe we’re being duped.

Top four: Vanessa, Danielle M., Danielle L., Rachel

Top four alternate: Raven

Winner: Danielle L. or Vanessa depending on Nick’s motivations. If he’s serious about getting married, he’ll pick Vanessa. If he wants a f*ck toy who will be cool with a pretend engagement in order to make money living in the spotlight for a couple years until they can land permanent gigs in the entertainment industry, he’ll pick Danielle L.

Next Bachelorette: Danielle L. or Vanessa, whoever Nick doesn’t choose. I’m pretty sure the producers wanted Caila to be the first minority Bachelorette last year but she wasn’t right in the head. Danielle L. could certainly fill that role. Rachel could too but I’m not sure America is ready for a black lead. I am but I don’t make the rules.

Thanks for reading, guys! Sound off in the comments even if it’s about this week’s episode instead of last. I love you all!


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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese. (She has a new site. This is the updated link: foolishwatcher.com)
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IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.

14 thoughts on “Bachelor 2017 Recap: Premiere

  1. So glad you’ll be recapping again Emily! It was great to read your posts last week. You did a nice job articulating your thoughts on the current political climate. I was happy to see your update on the premiere after watching tonight’s episode that left us with a To Be Continued… Those Bachelor producers sure like to leave us hanging. I’ll be curious to hear more of your thoughts on Andi’s book in the future. I have not read it but find her to be a little more superficial each time I see her on a program. Did you catch Jimmy Kimmel last week when he had Nick on with Kaitlyn & Andi? It was pretty funny & awkward. Apparently Andi really likes her legs as those shorts could not have been any shorter! As to this season, I’m intrigued by Vanessa in addition to Danielle the neonatal nurse. Rachel should be interesting too. You are right that Corrine will be a nightmare but we do need our villains. The whole Liz thing seemed very contrived & producer orchestrated to me. She reminds me of an actress, possibly a young Lesley Anne Warren? I also think Vanessa looks like Troian Bellisario, who played the smart & sophisticated Spencer on Pretty Little Liars. Taylor is beautiful & has a Zendaya look about her but seems young in spite of her masters degree. I have mixed feelings on what actually motivates Nick so I’m looking forward to seeing how his journey progresses. And I’m looking forward to reading your blog!!!

    • Hi, Julie.

      I just finished watching tonight’s episode and I was left feeling like not much had happened. Most of my material is going to come from the first group date. But it’s kind of a relief for me because there’s less to cover. The premiere is always the hardest.

      I actually did watch Jimmy Kimmel last week. It’s the first time I ever watched his show. It was definitely awkward but it was actually Kaitlyn who struck me as the most superficial. However, Andi’s book was hard to take. There were moments I hated her and moments I loved her but the worst part was having to relive domestic violence vicariously through Andi. I was seething with rage by the end of the book. It took me a couple of days to get over it.

      The Bachelor producers were actually at Jade and Tanner’s wedding so they could have remembered her and approached her to be on the show when they decided on Nick. It does feel very contrived. I’m surprised she went home so soon but it was only a matter of time.

      You’re right. Vanessa does look a little like Troian Bellasario. I think you’re right about Liz and Leslie Ann Warren too but I’m having trouble recalling her face.

      I have been on the fence about Nick’s motivations for awhile. I remember looking at his Twitter feed after the hoopla around Andi’s season died down and he posted a couple of tweets that seemed depressed and lonely like he missed the attention. I think he was a nerd his whole life and finally people started paying attention to him and I think it went to his head. In his heart, I think he’s a truly unique person but he may have to learn his lesson the hard way about Hollywood before he can move on and lead a truly authentic life. I don’t know for sure but my gut says he’s not doing that now.

      Thanks for commenting. I really appreciate it!

  2. Thank you for another wonderful recap! My two favorites are Vanessa and Danielle M. I’m glad to read that you like them, too!

    I haven’t read Andi’s book, so I thought that info you included was very interesting. By the way, I heard that Josh and Amanda are no longer engaged… What a surprise. lol

    • They are my two favorites as well. I’m just not sure Nick is on the show “for the right reasons” so I think there’s a good chance he’ll choose Danielle L.

      I’m actually really glad to hear Josh and Amanda aren’t engaged anymore. He is an abusive jerk and my biggest complaint about Andi’s book is that she presented it as a lighthearted method to survive a breakup instead of what it really was: a serious story about surviving domestic violence. Having been in a couple of abusive relationships, I take this stuff really seriously.

      Andi should have warned Amanda. People like to let others decide for themselves about people they know are not good relationship material but I think one should make an exception in cases of domestic violence.

      I would have no problem telling a future girlfriend of one of my exes what he did to me and I have interfered in neighbor’s domestic disputes when I heard a guy hit a woman.

      But physical violence is not the only kind of violence. Verbal violence can be worse.

      I was left shaking with rage after reading the book because of what Josh did and Andi’s misunderstanding of what happened to her.

      If we don’t warn people when they’re getting involved in an abusive relationship, it will keep happening. We also need to be watchful of any friends who might be in an abusive relationship.

      It’s not okay in my book to just let people make up their own minds. We need to take care of our friends. We can’t stop people from doing what they’re going to do but we can warn people and call someone what they are: an abuser. We can then keep an eye on potential victims.

      We also need to make it very public that domestic violence is not necessarily what we see on TV. Abusers are often very charming and not people you’d expect to be abusive.

      A lot has been said about it but I don’t think it has really hit home for most people. They need to know ALL the signs of an abuser.

      Sorry this is so long. There were some interesting things about Nick and the Bachelor selection process but it was the story of Josh’s abuse housed in lighthearted fare that shook me to my core.

      Thanks for the comment and your ongoing support of my writing. I really appreciate it.

      Thanks!

      • Wow– I actually had no idea that Josh was like that. I need to read Andi’s book. I feel that it was treated too lightly on TV, now. In fact, he shouldn’t have been allowed on BIP at all; the show is more concerned with having an interesting villain for ratings, than they are with what he actually did. I feel like his behavior was rewarded, now. “Abuse housed in lighthearted fare,” as you so aptly put it.
        I was emotionally and verbally abused in the past, so I really appreciate your answer.

        • To be clear, Josh was primarily an emotional abuser. I don’t recall physical abuse but abusers can turn on a dime and become physical. The first real physical abuse I experienced with my ex was when he strangled me.

          Andi was afraid for her life. That’s enough that he should have been called what he was and not been allowed on the show. I think the only reason they brought him back one was as a foil for Nick because they had a plan to reshape his image so he could be the Bachelor. I don’t think Nick would have agreed to go on BIP if he didn’t have a shot at being a lead.

          The producers are totally irresponsible and always have been. All they care about is viewership.

  3. Today I really needed some giggles, and you delivered. I love your sense of humor.

    Usually when I see someone list each and every contestant I rarely finish reading all the comments, but you made it interesting and fun with the job descriptions you created for each woman. Pure genius. You are now my absolute favorite blogger.

    Looking forward to your next recap because I found the the 2nd episode pretty boring. Too much Liz, and way too much Corrine. Your recaps are always fun to read.

    • Thank you, Vicki! It means a lot to me to be anyone’s favorite blogger.

      Yeah, the second episode was a bit of a snooze but ill figure out how to spruce it up. Corinne was hilarious so there’s some good material there.

      I’m glad I could deliver some giggles. I aim to entertain.

      Thanks for your comment! I really appreciate it!

  4. The “missing” rose was the first impression rose to Rachel (which makes 22 who had roses and 8 got cut). Your job descriptions were quite funny.

    • Hi, Edie.

      Thank you! I could not for the life of me figure out who I missed.

      Glad you liked the job descriptions!

      Thanks for the comment. I really appreciate it.

  5. Glad to have you back! I missed the weekly laugh fest that is your awesome recap posts! And one of the chicks, Angie Jolie’s mouth double, is from my hometown. She is definitely just trying to make her big break. Maybe not, but….

    • Hey, Jaime!

      Glad to have you back too!

      Well, she didn’t get her big break so I guess she’s back in town.

      Thanks for the comment! Always appreciated! 🙂

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