Ian's Last Stand

Bachelorette 2015 Recap: Nick is in and Ian’s out!

Back on Ben’s one-on-one, Ben H. and Kaitlyn have a nice, candlelit dinner outside somewhere. This is pretty much how all the evening portions of dates go. Kaitlyn is hoping Ben will open up to her on a more personal level. Yeah, they don’t really have a connection but he’s cute, sweet, and mentally stable so he’ll go the distance.

Kaitlyn asks about Ben’s ex and he can barely talk about her. Ben doesn’t get too specific other than to say his life revolved around the relationship and that in the end, his ex told him “he lost the chase.” WTF? That’s messed up. F*ck that b*tch. Don’t worry, Ben. You’ll feel better in January when you’re surrounded by 25 mostly hot women vying for your affections.

Despite Ben not REALLY opening up that much, Kaitlyn seems satisfied and gives him the rose.

The Mariachi Date

Nick mentions in an ITM that he’s “missed embarrassing himself on group dates.” Well, buddy, miss no more.

The guys show up at an outdoor shopping plaza somewhere in San Antonio where they are greeted by a 12-year-old mariachi singer who has a voice like honey and proclaims at the end of his song that he has “stolen Kaitlyn’s heart” and now the guys must attempt to steal it back by writing and performing their own mariachi songs.

Ay, yay, yay, yay… more mass humiliation.

None of the guys are particularly confident except Nick who’s always confident.

The guys struggle to come up with their pathetic lyrics and we already know most of them can’t sing from the “play” date last week. I’m really hoping Ian comes through.

Kaitlyn is impressed with Justin’s pretend mariachi voice but no golden ticket to Hollywood from this judge.

J.J. can’t sing at all or write a decent lyric but surprisingly, he can play the guitar. Maybe he can play in subways for change and finally move out of his parents’ house.

Joe has the second best lyric of them all: “Kaitlyn, will you marry-achi me?” And he sneaks in a kiss. Joe’s a slick one.

Next up, it’s Ian’s turn. After his rendition of “A Whole New World” last week, I’m thinking this is his moment to shine but wow. Ian chokes big time. He can’t find his voice. He sounds like he has tonsillitis and his lyrics are sooooo pedestrian. Kaitlyn mentioned earlier in an ITM that she was hoping to see Ian’s sense of humor “if he has one.” Doesn’t look like it.

Finally, it’s Nick’s turn. Of course, he chooses not to play by the rules like the rest of the guys and makes his performance even more of a spectacle by taking Kaitlyn up to a second floor balcony to serenade her in “grandiose” fashion. Nick has the ABSOLUTE WORST VOICE I HAVE EVER HEARD! But he owns it and his lyrics are second to none:

“We have such a great connection
It gives me such a huge erection.
The other guys are pissed I showed up at all
but for your heart, I’m willing to brawl.”

Really, truly, Nick should never ever sing within earshot of anyone ever again but even the other guys were impressed with how much Nick owned making a complete ass of himself… except Josh whose penis Jesus is still telling him Nick’s a bad guy.

The night portion of the date takes place in a western barn setting. Is it a bar? I’m not sure but they have ample couches for the guys to sit on and drink.

Josh decides to try to prevent Nick from getting the group rose by setting up some “quality” time outside for him and Kaitlyn to bond. He’s going to let Kaitlyn cut his hair. WTH? How is that in any way a bonding experience? Kaitlyn does have a cosmetic license but what does letting her cut his hair prove? That he trusts her to cut his hair? This guy has never been laid. Guaranteed.

And unfortunately for Josh, his trust in Kaitlyn’s abilities as a hairstylist is misplaced. She decides to give him a Mohawk and to make matters worse, the electric clippers run out of battery after she’s only shaved half his head.

The other guys are in hysterics when he returns to the barn.

Nick isn’t sure how the haircut advances Josh and Kaitlyn’s relationship but doesn’t spend too much time thinking about it before he whisks her away from the barn for some serious makeout time. Much more bonding than Josh’s approach.

Okay, they don’t just make out. They talk a little bit too. Kaitlyn presses him on how the other guys are treating him but he’s resistant since he wants their time to be about them. He gives in a little and says she has a good group of guys. There are a couple who aren’t happy about him but it’s to be expected.

When Nick returns to the barn, Josh confronts him: “I’ll never trust you.”

Nick: “You don’t need to trust me. Even if Kaitlyn sends me home, I won’t have a single regret. Even if I think we have this magical connection, then it’s not what I thought it was.”

I really like that Nick said that because it shows he learned something from his time with Andi. I think he had a hard time realizing then that the connection he had with Andi wasn’t what he thought it was which is why he was still basically in love with her three months after the show stopped filming and was an emotional wreck when he saw her again at the ATFR.

I also think it’s something subtle that most people won’t pick up on and thus was unlikely planned by production so it makes me trust his reasons for returning to the show even more.

Nick also mentions that he’s grateful that Josh (the winner on Andi’s season) was on Andi’s season. JoshUA doesn’t get it: It’s a good thing Andi picked another guy?

Poor Joshua just doesn’t understand love.

Nick tries to explain: “I don’t want to be with a girl who thinks there might be a better fit out there.”

Kaitlyn wasn’t present for the confrontation between Josh and Nick. When she returns, Josh takes her outside to a nearby chapel. He tells her that nobody is comfortable with Nick and that nobody likes him.

Kaitlyn’s upset: “So everybody’s lying to me?”

We know all too well now how Kaitlyn feels about people lying. Josh returns to the barn and tells the guys he was doing an ITM (lie) but Kaitlyn is right behind him.

Kaitlyn sits down and demands to know if the guys are being honest about their feelings about Nick being there. The guys look at her blankly. Oh, Josh. This looks bad, buddy. Not only did you lie about where you were but now it looks like you were lying about Nick’s persona-non-grata status in the household.

Jared: “It doesn’t affect our relationship.”

Ben Z.: “If you want him here, then he needs to be here.”

Josh calls Ben Z. out saying they were just talking about it on the bus earlier. Ben Z. looks at Josh like he’s from another planet. Ouch.

Kaitlyn calls Josh out: “This is my life… I’m looking for a husband. I might make mistakes along the way, I might make really great decisions along the way but I know at the end of this, I’m going to make the right decision.”

And with that, Nick gets the group rose. Josh is crushed and embarrassed. He’s a good guy so I feel for him.

Further damning Josh’s notion that all the guys in the house hate Nick, Justin says in an ITM that Nick comes across as straightforward as anyone else. I think that’s partly because Nick has significantly toned it down this season compared to last season. He’s being more humble, less intense, and more mature, frankly. I think he’s learned a lot in the last year, probably more than he bargained for.

Nick, looking very school-boyish with his big brown puppy dog eyes, in an ITM after he gets the rose: “It meant a lot that Kaitlyn was willing to stand up and flat out tell the guys ‘I trust Nick is here for the right reasons’. It wasn’t easy for her. If things continue [this way], I’m going to absolutely fall in love with her.”

Oh, dear God. Please don’t let him get his heart broken again. I’m not sure my heart can take it.

Between Nick’s ITM and another one from Shawn (“I don’t think the OTHER guy is here for the right reasons”) the here for the right reasons count is up to 7.

+8 “Amazing”
+7 “Here for the right reasons”

That tally seems low. I don’t know if I’m catching them all.

Shawn’s One-On-One

Shawn and Kaitlyn go kayaking down the river next to the river-walk. I think this is a famous place. I’ve seen it in a lot of films.

Kaitlyn: “Shawn is such a babe. I love his voice, I love his smell, oh that’s creepy…”

Actually, it’s not. If you can smell him and you just want to smell him all day, it means you have crazy chemistry.  The kind of chemistry that will make it difficult to see reason.

Shawn and Kaitlyn are really cute together. They even finish each others’ sentences.  But I don’t see a lot of substance to their relationship so far.

We find out during a break from their kayaking that Shawn was in a really horrible car accident a few years ago. He never wore his seat belt but two minutes before the accident, he felt the urge to stop his car and fasten it. His car flipped six times. And now he’s so happy he lived because he might have missed out on meeting Kaitlyn.

Um, not to diminish Shawn’s miracle but I really hope fate kept him around for something more than meeting a future ex-girlfriend on reality TV.

Shawn tells Kaitlyn he’s falling in love with her.

They make out and Kaitlyn whispers in his ear that she feels the same way. She didn’t think she was going to slip that past production, did she? The leads aren’t supposed to say things like that but they sometimes slip with the person they’re really into.

I don’t know if they always show it or not but it’s usually a dead giveaway who the lead is thinking in that moment is going to be the one. At this point, I think Shawn is the heavy favorite but my WOMEN’S intuition says it’s not gonna be him.

The date ends in a canoe with fireworks. Shawn is feeling good now but I do wonder how long it will last. If he sees her with Nick again, is he gonna flip again and lose all his confidence? He seems like the jealous type and I don’t think that’s what Kaitlyn is looking for.

Kaitlyn: “He could be the guy I give my final rose to.” We’ll see.

Meanwhile, the sh*t is about to hit the fan in a major way. Ian is not happy that he’s not being recognized for the magnificent specimen he is by the girl he came to conquer and take as his bride.

Ian: “I’m flying under the radar… A lot of women like me… I don’t know why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want me. A Princeton grad, a former model, defied death…”

Dude, none of those things would make me want you. If someone described you to me that way, I might be interested in getting to know you but those things in and of themselves don’t make you a desirable person and the fact that you think those things should make women want you, makes you UN-desirable in my eyes.

In a strange twist, Nick is the one who has a conversation with Ian to try to help him work through his emotions.

Ian: “I don’t think she’s right for me. I think I’d make a great Bachelor.” Um, no. Even with all your accomplishments, you’re an arrogant ass, you have no sense of humor, no personality, and you just sealed your fate by committing the cardinal Bachelorette sin of verbally contemplating being the next Bachelor while you’re still supposed to be trying to win the heart of The Bachelorette whose season you’re still on.

Ian’s ITMs go downhill real fast: “I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting…” Funny. You seemed all up in her business up until the point you failed to impress her with your botched mariachi attempt. This is the kind of sh*t guys start saying when they’re feeling insecure. “I don’t think it’s something wrong with me. I think it’s something wrong with her… ” That’s right. Put her down to lift yourself up. “She’s not half as hot as my ex…” Hmmm… wonder why things didn’t work out with her.

Next up: Ian’s last stand at the Alamo

2 thoughts on “Bachelorette 2015 Recap: Nick is in and Ian’s out!

  1. Entertaining as always. This week with more enlightening and revealing commentary. It is your ‘voice’ that keeps me reading both to re-cap what has happened and to hear your personal thoughts. Keep up the good work!

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