Bachelorette 2016 Recap: Episode 5
I’m struggling again to get my blogs out on time. I’m sorry. I don’t know what the other bloggers’ secret is. It’s taking me nine hours to write a blog about a two-hour show and I’m trying to figure out how to shorten the process.
Until I can do that, I’m going to keep struggling. If I can’t figure this out, I’m going to have to stop. I just don’t have the health or energy to commit nine hours of my week to writing a blog. I enjoy the show and I enjoy communicating with those of you who are my most vocal supporters but doing this is utterly exhausting for someone who spends eight hours a day just trying to survive to the next one.
I don’t want to quit. I want to make you guys laugh and bring a smile to your faces. I can’t do much in this world because of my illness but being able to bring joy to the world, even if it’s just a little bit, makes me feel like I have some purpose.
So I’m going to keep trying. I’m using a new technique. I’m writing by talking into my phone which makes it much faster to write. But now since I’m talking I’m crying while I’m writing this.
I have 76 subscribers to my blog. I never thought in a million years that anybody would care what I had to to say about a silly reality show but now there are 76 people in the world who want to hear what I have to say. I don’t want to give that up. It may seem like a small accomplishment but it’s big to me.
I really appreciate those of you who comment on my blogs regularly. I can see the traffic to my site (no personal info, don’t worry). I know that people are reading what I write. But I don’t know what effect my writing has unless I hear back from the emptiness of cyberspace. So thank you so very much especially to Pat in Boise, Melissa B, Megan, and Jennifer and to the one reader who keeps retweeting my articles. Without you guys, I would’ve thrown in the towel a long time ago. You keep me going and make writing about the show worthwhile.
If I forgot anybody, I’m sorry. Those are just the names I could think of off the top my head. But all of you make this something that makes me feel like I matter.
OK. I’m going to try to stop crying now and rewatch the episode so I bring a smile to your faces rather than depressing the hell out of you.
Onto the recap.
We left off last time with Chad skulking around the grounds of the guys’ hotel suite, whistling and just generally acting like a psychopath, after being kicked to the curb by Jojo. Since we never actually see Chad whistling, I assume they took a single sound clip and just laid it over the footage again and again to create the effect that Chad is some kind of serial killer. I can’t think of any reason why anyone who isn’t a dwarf and skipping to work in the jewel mines with their six brothers would possibly feel the desire to whistle that much.
Chad’s dwarf name: Douchey
To celebrate Chad’s departure, the other guys scatter Chad’s protein powder in memoriam while James T. plays his guitar. That was pretty f*cking hilarious. I wonder who came up with that idea. Maybe Wells?
Just when the boys think they’ve seen the last of Chad, he shows up on their doorstep for one last showdown.
As to be expected, Chad continues to deny all responsibility for his doucheyness and blame the other guys for putting him in a position where he had to contemplate kicking their asses. Jordan tries to play diplomat but Chad can’t be reasoned with. Chad says something to the effect that Jordan doesn’t have half a brain in his head and Jordan shakes Chad’s hand and tells him it’s been “interesting”.
And then Evan demands to be repaid for his T-shirt that Chad ripped. Dude, let it go. Evan has been like Milton from Office Space about his damn T-shirt.
Pro-tip: Evan, just be grateful Chad is gone and your face is still intact.
Alex returns home the conquering hero and is greeted by cake and fireworks. He ratted out a d-bag. It’s not like he scored the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl.
And now things are going to be boring. They killed off the villain on episode five and we have six more episodes to go. What are we going to do without an antagonist? Oh right. ABC is going to manufacture another antagonist out of thin air. Who’s it going to be?
Before we can even get to a commercial, a new enemy is born in the form of the guys who already have roses going into the next rose ceremony.
It is confirmed that the dangerously unstable Chad is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise. Of course he is. Are they going to have security guards in Mexico too or do the rejects from Ben and Jojo’s seasons not warrant an uptick in the budget?
Cocktail Party #1
Chase mistakenly suggests that there is not going to be any more negative energy during the cocktail party. He obviously hasn’t watched the show before.
Robby takes Jojo outside and plants a kiss on her in plain sight of all the other guys. Evan says that now all the other guys are looking around trying to figure out where they’re at and who’s kissed her. I’ll give you a hint Evan: Everyone.
In his last bid to get on Jojo’s radar, James F. recites a poem that he wrote for her and has been caring around in his pocket. Sadly, it is too little too late and my final four prediction is officially wrong.
That poem was crap but I still liked him better than Chase, Derek, or Robby who are the only other guys I can see taking the 4th spot.
Alex interrupts James’ def poetry jam even though he already has a rose.
Luke and Jojo discuss the awesomeness of their connection and Luke tells Jojo that he’s falling for her.
Evan complains to the camera after Luke asks him if he’s going to try to get some time with Jojo before going for seconds.
Why is he complaining? Luke had the courtesy to ask which is a hell of a lot more than most contestants on this show do. Evan had the opportunity to go and spend time with Jojo and instead of just taking it, he bitched about the fact that maybe someone else would want that time if he wasn’t going to make a move.
Jesus, Evan. Where’s your manhood? I thought you sold manhood for a living. Maybe you need to dip your pen in the company ink.
Jordan steals Jojo away to make out with her. Thank you Bachelorette editors for that high-quality, royalty-free soft-core porn midi you played under the footage. Cheap bastards.
Rose Ceremony #1
Jordan, Alex, and Luke all have roses.
- Vinny – WTH? How far in advance did they plan that barbershop stunt???
- James T.
James F., Daniel, and Chad go home. Without Chad around, there’s no reason for Daniel to stick around. He served his purpose as the villain’s sole ally in the house.
Daniel’s parting words: I had a better chance of being struck by lightning while shaving my face than her falling in love with me.
I have this feeling what he was really thinking while he was stuttering and stammering to come up with something he would be doing while being struck by lightning to make it seem even more outrageously impossible Jojo would fall in love with him was “jerking off” but shaving was the only thing he could come up with. Doesn’t that just sound more authentically Daniel?
“I had a better chance of being struck by lightning while jerking off than Jojo falling in love with me.”
But I do wonder if he would be more likely to be struck by lightning period while he was jerking off or while he wasn’t. Daniel strikes me as a perpetual masturbator.
Jojo announces that they’re going to Uruguay. Hooray.
A one-on-one date card is waiting for the guys when they arrive at their hotel room. (“Jordan, let’s seal the date.”)
And now that Chad is gone, everyone is questioning Jordan’s intentions. I’ve been questioning him since the beginning because it doesn’t make any sense that he’s on this show. Did Chad blind them to the fact that Jordan is a rich, good-looking, affable former NFL football player whose brother is a famous quarterback?
Am I the only one who immediately knew the card was talking about actual seals that swim in the ocean?
The guys seem to think that somehow that statement on his date card gives it more weight. Is it just me or are there a lot of morons this season? What date card has there been thus far in the history of Bachelor land that didn’t somehow allude to marriage and/or love?
While Jordan and Jojo are swimming with the seals, in one of the most obvious set ups in the franchise’s history, the guys discover a tabloid that has an article in it contributed by Jojo’s ex-boyfriend, Chad (not to be confused with Douchey, the 8th dwarf).
Why did they set up a makeshift barbershop for the guys to hang out in while Vinny cut their hair? And they just happened to lay a bunch of magazines around that happened to have an article that claimed Jojo was still in love with her ex? What barbershop has tabloid magazines hanging around? Dudes don’t read that crap.
I guess the reason they kept Vinny was for this stupid stunt. They couldn’t think of a less absurdly obvious way to get the tabloid into the hands of Jojo’s guys?
Again, I ask how stupid do ABC producers think we are? Don’t answer that.
Chad the ex, claims that he and Jojo were sneaking around the entire time Ben’s season of the Bachelor was airing and that Jojo dumped him when she found out she got the Bachelorette gig.
I really can’t believe Jojo’s guys are taking a tabloid article seriously enough to wonder if Jojo is actually on the show for “the right reasons”. They’re all f*cking idiots, none of them deserve her, and she can send them all home at the next rose ceremony for all I care.
And why is Wells so intense all of a sudden? He seems so brooding. That’s Luke’s role. Is he sleep deprived? He’s not going to get the Bachelor gig if he keeps this up.
A group date card arrives (“I can’t stand to be away from you.”)
No one is excited when their names are called because the tools are too morose over the prospect that Jojo might be still in love with her ex-boyfriend.
On the night portion of Jordan’s date, we find out that Jojo has interacted with one of Jordan’s exes and she said that Jordan was a terrible boyfriend. I’m pretty sure Jordan mentioned that he was a sh*tty boyfriend in a previous conversation he had with Jojo so why is she bringing this up now? Didn’t it seem like the time to bring it up would’ve been when he brought it up? Or maybe that’s just too rational (or didn’t fit in as cleanly with the episode’s theme of being suspicious of people over their past relationships).
Jojo confronts Jordan about his ex-girlfriend. Jordan admits he was an ass and was very focused on his career at the time. That’s the same thing he said before. Duh. But he claims he didn’t cheat on his ex. Uh-huh.
Jordan breezes through the conversation with flying colors and gets the date rose.
Next, Jordan and Jojo find a random (and by random I mean strategically placed by ABC producers) mariachi band and make out in the middle of their dance performance.
Just as Jojo is telling the camera how happy she is and how nothing can take away this feeling, a producer walks into frame and hands her the magazine with the article about her and Chad. ABC producers suck.
They tell her that the guys have seen it and, not that they had anything to do with it, but it needs to be addressed. It’s a tabloid article. They could just ignore it. But Chad is gone and they need more drama to keep us going another six more episodes. So stabbing the lead in the heart I guess isn’t out of the question.
After Jojo is done crying and cursing all Chads, she goes up to the boys’ suite to clear the air about the article. Luke thinks it’s pure fabrication. He should win just for having half a brain.
Jojo tearfully explains what should have been readily apparent to anyone with any sense. The guys are reassured and offer her sympathy.
The Dumbest Group Date Ever
The next day, Jordan and Robby have a spa day while the other guys go on their group date. They talk about what happened the night before and what they think is going to happen on the group date. Is there a man with an actual d*ck on this show?
On the first part of the group date, Jojo and the boys go sand-boarding. I didn’t know that was a thing. They valiantly try to avoid breaking every bone in their bodies hurling themselves down sand dunes and then they are rained out. WORST. DATE. EVER.
Jordan and Robby stop doing each others’ nails long enough to answer the door to get Robby’s date card: “Robby, love is within our reach.”
Robby says he’s in love with Jojo. He hasn’t spent any time with her. I’m officially more scared of Robby than I am of Chad.
Group Date Cocktail Party
During their one-on-one time, each guy states his belief that Jojo is there for the right reasons before ramming his tongue down her throat.
Derek is jealous and feeling insecure. Alex doesn’t like Derek.
Surprise surprise. Alex doesn’t like somebody.
But that’s not the best part. His hair is really the best part of this. I think it may actually be the best part of the whole episode.
Jojo gives the group date rose to Derek to give him reassurance and Alex mocks him for getting a pity rose. Alex, I officially can never take anything you say seriously ever again.
Next: Robby’s One-on-One, The Rose Ceremony, and more predictions