Bachelorette 2017 Episode 2 and 3 Recap
Sorry this is SOOOO late. I’m working on a pet project to solve several unsolved problems in mathematics and it takes up a lot of my free time. I’m not sure I’ll be successful but I’m learning WAY more about numbers than I ever knew before. I don’t know what it says about me that I find math more exciting than this season of the Bachelorette. Either it’s boring or I am… who am I kidding? It’s this season.
I love Rachel but not ONE of her suitors is the least bit compelling and we pretty much know who the front runners are at this point (hint: not DeMario). Bryan is probably the most interesting but the bar is really low.
I’m going to talk about the scandal that shut down production on BIP after I recap the episodes I missed.
Group date 1: Dean, Jack, Blake, Kenny, Fred, Lucas, “I’m looking for husband material.”
Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher host a ridiculous obstacle course challenge that’s supposed to test the men’s ability to handle everyday household chores. The winner of the race through the obstacle course, as with every obstacle course race on this franchise, will have no bearing on the man Rachel eventually chooses to pretend to be engaged to her for 8 months until the money they get from endorsement deals is no longer worth having if it means spending another minute in each other’s presence.
I didn’t even know Ashton and Mila were a couple until this episode. At some point, Ashton says he knew the minute he saw Mila that she was the one.
Let me get this straight: They were on That 70’s Show for 8 years, Ashton married Demi Moore, got divorced when he got caught cheating on her with someone else (not Mila), but all along he was pining for his soulmate, Mila?
*cough* bullshit *cough*
I do, however, wholeheartedly concur with Ashton’s assessment that Rachel’s guy is not in this group.
The boys race through the challenge with babies strapped to their chests. They change diapers, vacuum, wash dishes, and set a dinner table.
This was Kenny’s race to lose but ultimately, Lucas won by sucker pushing Kenny on his way to the finish line. Lucas didn’t even have his baby anymore. That seems like it should have been an automatic disqualification but I could totally see Lucas doing that in real life if the world were unfortunate enough to live to see him reproduce. Guess what baby’s first word would be? (Hint: starts with a W and ends with an M. God help us.)
I was sad to see that, back at the mansion, it looked like someone tried to drown Adam Jr. in the pool. Tres tragique. I can only pray that they make Adam Jr. the next Bachelor. He’s the only contestant that doesn’t bore me to tears.
I would also watch another season of Nick Viall as the Bachelor. I’m not kidding. I wanted him to go away and stop being on reality television altogether but now I can’t imagine any other way the next season won’t be a total snoozefest. I don’t even care if he promotes his stupid men’s skincare line on every episode. Anything to avoid one of these dumb dumbs becoming the next Bachelor.
That night, they go to a place I can only describe as the 1980s graveyard. Old-school arcade games, neon signs in the shape of a woman’s lips, uncomfortable lawn chairs without drink holders (it was a barbaric time), you name it, it’s there. The next time someone says, “The 80s called and it wants its [INSERT NAME OF THING YOU HATE ABOUT THE 80S AND WISH WOULD JUST GO AWAY FOREVER AND EVER] back,” this is the place where that thing goes.
Unfortunately for Rachel, she has to endure one-on-one time with each of her guys.
Lucas gets the first one on one time with Rachel because he won the husband challenge. Lucas reads a poem to Rachel that he wrote for her:
Just the Tip
The long journey ahead
beautiful brown eyes and gorgeous smile
are just the tip of all you entile <– [not sure if he meant entail or entrails but not an actual word]
and I look forward to this adventure with you to continue for a very long while
By Lucas (AKA Whabooooom)
Move over, Shakespeare.
While Lucas is doing his best to wooboom Rachel, mean-girl Blake tells the other boys that he knows Lucas from a previous life where they were just regular assholes instead of assholes on TV. Apparently, Blake is roommates with Lucas’s ex-girlfriend (how did he get a girlfriend let alone an ex?) and SHE says the only the only reason Lucas is on the show is because he wants to get his catchphrase on TV and promote his brand.
OMG. I had no idea! Did you guys? Wow. That is surprising. I mean what are the chances of someone trying out for a reality show because they want to get rich and famous?
Rachel can’t see Fred ever getting out of the friend zone. Neither can I.
Jack Stone tries to chat up Rachel but all I see whenever he talks is this:
Rachel is unimpressed with this group of guys.
Jonathan and Iggy have nothing to offer.
Blake is Tourette’s about Lucas being on the show for the wrong reasons and wastes his time with Rachel tattling on Lucas.
Blake then returns to the group and tells Lucas that he tattled on him. They fight like declawed kittens.
Kenny is over the white boy drama as is the rest of America.
Dean and Kenny are the only guys in the group who are capable of something approaching an A-game during their one-on-one time with Rachel.
I wasn’t super impressed with Dean at first but I like him now. He’s still boring but at least he’s likeable. Rachel jokes that she was kind of disappointed that she didn’t get to use the “black and never go back” line first. I know everyone hated him for it but people are too damned sensitive. I like people who are bold and have a sense of humor.
Dean gets the group date rose and a kiss while walking Rachel to her car.
The Boringest One-On-One Ever
Do I have to cover the date with Peter? Really?
They fly to Palm Springs and bring Rachel’s injured dog-son with them to something called “Barkfest” where people too obsessed with their dogs go to party with other people too obsessed with their dogs.
Rachel thinks Peter is dreamy but wonders if there’s more to him. No, no there isn’t. He’s 10% better-looking than Nick Viall but only has 10% of the brain power and depth. Not all white guys who are composed and halfway articulate are Nick. Rachel may have to learn this the hard way.
That night, Peter and Rachel bond over their gap teeth and mutual decision to visit a relationship therapist when they realized they suck at relationships. They fail to recognize that their mutual lack of self-awareness would leave their relationship bereft of an insightful partner.
While I greatly admire Rachel, insight is not her strong suit. Charm, enthusiasm, and intelligence are her strong suits. She needs someone to “get” her if it’s going to work out in the long run. No way Peter will ever fill that bill.
Peter gets the rose and they make out under fireworks.
Group Date 2 (AKA The Basketball-Buster)
Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, DeMario: “Swish.”
Did anything happen on the state other than DeMario getting called out by his (ex?) girlfriend for going on a reality dating show?
Oh, yes. I believe there was a basketball game (attended only by women) where Chris Harrison stopped by for 5 minutes to pick up his paycheck and Kareem Abdul Jabbar mumbled something about basketball having to do with character. DeMario does not realize this line was crafted specifically for him.
After the game, a girl named Lexi, who seems at most one generation removed from one that definitely lived in a trailer park, shows up and tells Rachel that DeMario is her boyfriend and that he didn’t end things with her before she saw him on the AFTR as one of the men who would be vying for Rachel’s heart.
I called DeMario out as a player the moment I saw him so I don’t think for one second he considered Lexi his girlfriend. I think he let Lexi THINK she was his girlfriend but there are probably 12 more Lexis out there wondering why DeMario suddenly stopped texting them at 3am for booty calls. They might not have access to television or internet since none of them have come forward in the aftermath of the spectacular mess he’s gotten himself into in the span of two episodes, once on The Bachelorette and once on BIP.
DeMario’s reaction when he sees Lexi is priceless:
DeMario tries to play the whole thing off like Lexi was just a hookup but Lexi’s got the texts to prove he was at least playing her and at most, dropped her like a hot potato to be on TV.
Playa’, you caught.
Rachel: I’m really going to need you to get the f*ck out right now.
Has any Bachelorette ever said anything like that before? I think Rachel might be the GOAT. Rachel is Fire.
There’s some boring chitchat on the night portion of the date.
Josiah gets on Rachel’s good side by saying he felt very protective of her when he found out DeMario lied to all of them. Josiah is full of crap IMO.
Eric and Rachel have the same top love language: Quality time.
Josiah gets the group date rose for being protective.
Adam continues his exploration of the friend zone by showing up with a dollhouse and Barbies to “play house” with Rachel.
Bryan continues his quest to make it to the fantasy suite by making sure no other man kisses Rachel as much as he does. Don’t worry, man. You’ve left them all in the dust.
Iggy goes to thumb war with Rachel.
I wouldn’t be surprised if one of these love neophytes brings a giant piece of chalk to a cocktail party so he and Rachel can play hopscotch on the permanently wet driveway.
At the end of the episode, DeMario shows up and wants to talk to Rachel. Chris Harrison is sent out to pretend like he can make decisions about who gets let in and who doesn’t. He relays the message to Rachel that DeMario is there and wants to talk to her.
Rachel’s curiosity is piqued so she huffs it out to the gates of the mansion to see what fresh bullshit DeMario is peddling today…
Next Up: Episode 3 and The BIP Situation