Bachelor 2016: Episode 2 Recap

Bachelor 2016 Episode 2: Sobriety Doesn’t Cure Crazy Lacey

Before I start, please, take a look at the above screenshot of Olivia.  I don’t want to say she looks terrible without makeup because very few of us look good without it but with the excessive moisturizer she had on plus facial expressions like the one above, conjured images in my mind of the sewer monster from The X-Files:

She should just not ever make that face again. EVER. I really shudder to think of our lovely Ben waking up to that face every morning, I don’t care what the “Love Lab” claims about their potential chemistry.

I feel terrible saying that but that’s honestly what I thought. I’m just a really horrible person I guess – so be it!

Group Date 1

• Jackie
• LB
• Lauren B.
• Becca
• Amber
• Mandi
• JoJo
• Jubilee
• Jennifer
• Lace

Lace sees this date as a chance to redeem herself from her embarrassing, psycho showing the first night. I just asked my Magic 8 Ball what the chances of that are. It said: “Not Likely”. Actually, I didn’t need to consult a Magic 8 Ball to foresee Lace’s utter failure to prove she’s not an insecure nightmare. She’d have to not be one in order for that to occur. Like I said last week, there are some traits that are not induced by alcohol.

For this date, Ben takes the girls back to high school. The girls are grouped in teams of two and the woman left standing in the end will get to be Ben’s homecoming queen.

Chris Harrison actually looks kind of hot dressed as a nerdy professor. He’s so not my type but I guess if you put a guy in a sweater vest and glasses, my nerd-girl hormones go crazy even if I know intellectually that the guy I’m looking at isn’t actually a nerd.

The first challenge is the science fair. Jubilee is relying on Lace to be the brains of their team. This will not end well.

Each team has to combine chemicals to “make Ben’s volcano explode”. Hahahahahaha. Hilarious. 😐

The team who finishes the challenge last is eliminated. Lace’s brains don’t hold up and she and Jubilee are eliminated. Wow. Didn’t see that one coming.

Next is lunch? When did lunch become a subject in high school?

The girls bob for apples and have to pass the apples to their partners mouth-to-mouth and put it on their lunch trays. This seems much less like real school and much more like something you’d see on Cinemax at 2am. Ben is enjoying the girl-on-girl action though I doubt his Christian brain is allowing him to acknowledge that’s what he’s actually watching.

Jackie and partner are eliminated.

Next is geography class. The remaining teams have to pick out the shape of Indiana from an assortment of states and place it in its approximate location on a map of the U.S. This should be good.

Becca and JoJo manage to get Indiana but they put it on the map 90 degrees clockwise of how it should be placed. As Ben says, if they were going for Pennsylvania, they did a pretty good job. They are eliminated.

Team Amber/Mandi and team Jennifer/LB are left. Next is P.E. Wow. The curriculum is intense at Bachelor High. Chemistry, Lunch, Geography, and P.E. What’s next? A.P. Basket Weaving? Perish the thought.

The girls have to throw free throws (that’s basketball for any fellow nerds who might be reading and don’t know the first thing about sports). The first team to make 3(?) wins. Amber and Mandi win.

Next Mandi and Amber have to compete against each other. Nope, not basket weaving. Track and field. Their brains must be hurting over all this mental stimulation.

Mandi and Amber compete against each other in a hurdle race. Mandi with her giraffe legs wins handily and becomes Ben’s homecoming queen.

Her extra time consisted of riding around the track with Ben in a Mustang. She also got a tiara and a sash. Totally worth it. SMH. But the other girls were green with envy nonetheless. Get a life, ladies. Oh wait, I guess you wouldn’t be on the show if you had one. (Was that bitchy?)

Next is the night time portion of the date.

Becca takes him first. They play some more basketball. Becca is cool as a cucumber and pretty good at basketball. I guess it pays to be on this show more than once. Becca’s walking around like she owns the place. I definitely get a friend vibe though between her and Ben. It’s too bad because I think she and Ben have a lot in common.

Jennifer and Ben definitely have chemistry. Ben’s first real makeout session of the season. I’m wondering what type of woman Ben needs though. I sense Jennifer is very strong-willed which is good but Ben is very gentle. I don’t know yet if he would do better with someone who is very soft and gentle like he is or someone who can lead him a little bit. So far, his front-runners are Olivia and Jennifer which leads me to believe that Ben may be attracted to strong women. But perhaps that’s why his relationships haven’t worked out in the past. Strong women tend to get bored easily with men who aren’t as tough as they are.

Lace is “very aggravated” to learn of Jennifer’s kiss with Ben. Given Lace’s level of obsession with Ben after knowing him only a few hours, I’m surprised her pretty little head didn’t explode.

Back at the mansion, the one-on-one card arrives. To Olivia’s utter, “fresh-faced” (see picture above) astonishment, Caila gets the date instead of her. Has she seen the show? When does the person who gets the first impression rose ever get the first one-on-one? NEVER.

Lace is wigging out again about Ben not paying enough attention to her. She interrupts Mandi to try to explain that she’s a “really good girl” and not the train wreck she seemed like the first night. Ben seems to feel the need to yet again explain not making eye contact with her was not intentional. Dude! You do not need to explain your perfectly reasonable behavior in the face of a completely batsh*t reaction that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the insecurities of the bat in question.

Lace apologizes to him profusely and decides they are both on the same page. They’re not even reading the same book. She’s reading Dr. Seuss and he’s reading The Purpose Driven Life (or something without pictures and likely to do with faith since that’s what he’s into).

Last week he wasn’t making enough eye contact and now he’s making so much that Lace thinks they’re eye-f*cking and that he definitely wants to kiss her as much as she wants to kiss him. Uh… I think he’s probably just over-compensating. Ben is what is commonly referred to as a people-pleaser.

Just as Lace’s imaginary kiss with Ben is about to take place, Jubilee interrupts them. And once again, Lace’s crazy comes out to play. How dare Jubilee interrupt the heavenly kiss Lace was never going to share with Ben because he’s secretly scared to death of her? Well, it’s a secret to Lace. I think the rest of us can sense his fear every time she corners him.

Jubilee was an orphan and adopted in Haiti. Bring on the sob stories because they’re the only thing that serve as vulnerability in Bachelor world. The sappy music that accompanies them only makes these tales of woe seem less authentic. Not that being an orphan is inauthentic but there’s nothing like The Bachelor to make an honest life struggle seem shallow and pedestrian.

The kiss between Jubilee and Ben is awkward. Ben definitely seems not into it.

Lace is now complaining that she’s had “no” time with him. Is she an amnesiac as well as a psycho?

Much to the dismay of the other girls, Lace goes back to talk to Ben. She still doesn’t get that never-gonna-happen kiss.

Now JoJo starts bitching that Lace got to talk to him twice and she hasn’t gotten to talk to him once. Um, hello? You haven’t tried to talk to him. I may not be a fan of psychosis but I’m also not a fan of people who sit back and do nothing and then wonder why nothing is happening.

But lo and behold, JoJo’s fears are for naught. Ben steals HER away for a minor rooftop getaway. Ben’s second authentic makeout session of the night. He’s into her which is then supported by the fact that she gets the date rose.

Jubilee is upset because her sob story didn’t merit the rose.

Lace is upset because her imaginary connection with Ben didn’t merit a rose. But she’s not giving up!

Ben and Caila’s 1-on-1

Chris Harrison has allegedly “planned” a ride-along with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart.

The antics between Ice Cube and Kevin Hart are so clearly scripted I don’t laugh once. The fact that they’re only on the show to shamelessly plug their new film doesn’t increase my amusement.

The four of them end up in a hot tub store somewhere in L.A. and I’m just glad when Cube and Hart are gone.

Back at the mansion, the second group date card arrives:

• Emily
• Shushanna
• Sam
• Olivia
• Haley
• Amanda

It’s during the night portion of the date that Caila’s stock really rises in my mind. I still have concerns about her leaving her ex when she had butterflies for Ben watching him on The Bachelorette. She brings up the topic of Ben feeling unlovable without prompting and strikes right to the core of who Ben is. And then she explains the story of how she met her ex on the plane and how she came to realize that what seems like “fate” doesn’t necessarily indicate someone is the one for her.

I like this girl now. Was that the first positive thing I’ve said in this review so far? It might be. I’m sorry but it’s soooo hard for me to take these shows seriously in the beginning when we have to weed through all the riff-raff to get to the good part. All I feel I can do is mock them.

Ben’s stock rises when I find out what kind of music he likes. I’ve never heard of Amos Lee but his music moves my soul. I’m so grateful it’s not the typical country fare we usually have to sit through on the first 1-on-1 of a season. (Sorry, country fans. No offense. I was born and raised in L.A. and we just aren’t much into country music out here.)

I’m really feeling the connection between Ben and Caila. They kiss to Ben’s favorite song. Seriously, I think you could feel chemistry with a watermelon listening to that song but the fact that it’s two attractive decent people, I think has put Ben and Caila on the fast track to infatuation-ville.

The Second Group Date

This date is actually kind of cool. A bunch of scientists have come up with a way to measure the chemistry/compatibility between two people in their “Love Lab”. I don’t think it’s the end all be all of how to decide if two people are a match but it’s interesting.

Sam gets the lowest score and surprise, surprise, Olivia gets the highest compatibility score.

All the girls are SUPER jealous.

The nighttime portion of the date is really tense because it feels like Olivia is running away with the prize which isn’t helped by the fact that Ben steals her for some alone time first.

Amanda asks where Olivia and Ben went during their alone time. Olivia doesn’t say that they went to Ben’s room to make out. She says she doesn’t want to talk about it and walks away but I can’t tell if that’s a blow-off or a classy gesture. I mean wouldn’t it make the other women feel worse to know that not only did Olivia get the highest Love Lab score but that Ben also took her up to his hotel room to make out instead of staying downstairs in the ordinary locations that the other girls were confined to? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

Amanda finally opens up to Ben about her kids and starts to really blossom once she realizes it’s not an issue for him. Their connection is starting to take off. More making out.

But, of course, Olivia gets the group date rose.

Her arrogance is a little annoying. She could be joking but she made it seem in her ITM like they might as well end the show now and give her the ring.

Next: The Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

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