Bachelor in Paradise 2015: Week Three Recap

Bachelor in Paradise Week 3: Episode 1

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We start out where the last episode ended: Will Clare go or will she stay? The suspense has not been killing me. In fact, I completely forgot about it until tonight. ABC, your ploy to keep me interested by delaying the rose ceremony outcomes is failing.

Ashley I. is really cruel in her remarks about Clare: “She hoped Jared would follow her… but the only guy who went after her is Chris Harrison and that’s probably because he’s paid to do it.” Ouch. You got Jared in the end, Ash. Sore winners are ugly.

The Rose Ceremony: Take Two

Ashley I. gives her rose to Jared.

Clare gives her rose to JJ (WTH? Production must have told her to.)

Juelia gives her rose to Joe

Michael, Jonathan, and Mikey go home. I understand Jonathan and Mikey but Michael?? A super-hot lawyer with a great smile and good manners? That’s gonna be somebody’s loss.

It’s sad that Juelia still thinks Joe is interested in her and Joe’s a dick for working her over like that.

Surprise, surprise. Samantha from Chris Soules’ season arrives. She claims to be into bad boys but she’s over that phase in her life and now she’s looking forward to meeting a sweet guy like Joe. BWAHAHAHA!!!

Samantha immediately gives her date card to Joe. Joe is over the moon. Juelia’s devastated. Raise your hand if you didn’t see this coming.

Oooooo… juicy. Apparently, Joe and Sam were talking before the show started. Joe denies it when asked but gossip-queen Tanner has the inside scoop as usual.

Sam and Joe’s Date

People Magazine is doing a piece on hot bodies so Sam and Joe are getting their pics taken which will appear in the feature. Joe admits to having a Dad-bod and he’s right. But I refuse to accept the idea that dad-bods are “in” as Joe claims. As long as women have to be skinny and in shape and starve themselves in order to be considered “hot”, men do too. Period. End of story.

It’s just like men to want to trick hot women into thinking they’re attractive when they’re not. Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl just don’t happen in real life and I’m sick to death of seeing images in the media of mega-hot women with schlubby guys as if that should be the new norm. It basically says to men, “you can just be yourself and women will love you,” and to women, “even if you work your bloody ass off and never eat, you’ll be lucky to get Seth Rogen.” F*ck that noise.

Joe and Samantha have crazy chemistry. It’s hard to pry their mouths apart long enough to take a photo during the shoot. It’s actually kind of nauseating given what Joe did to Juelia. He shouldn’t be rewarded for his behavior.

Juelia is crushed when the pair gets back and they’re all over each other. Joe ignores Juelia as if he’d never laid eyes on her. Jared tells Joe he needs to go and talk to Juelia and Joe says he doesn’t want “to take a pause to go talk to some Debbie Downer.” Wow. He gets douchier by the minute.

Jared claims Joe is a “standup guy” (I’m thinking now that may be an inaccurate assessment) when Joe doesn’t want to talk to Juelia. Joe says, “Maybe I’m trying to vill.” No, you aren’t trying. You are villin’ like a villain and it seems to come pretty naturally to you. I think you’re a legit psychopath.

The talk doesn’t go well. Joe feels that Juelia needs to respect his space. Dude, you need to respect the fact that she’s a human being and you just royally fucked her over for your own gain. Not only that but she’s a sweet girl who’s been through hell. She’s a widowed single mom and it was beyond cruel to get her hopes up like that. I usually say all’s fair in love and war but there are exceptions. Slaughtering of innocents should be avoided as much as possible.

Yeah, you’re right, Joe. This isn’t “Church Camp” but it’s also not Survivor either. I hope if Joe manages to pull the wool over Sam’s eyes til the end, she’s watching this now and has kicked him to the curb. Preferably in as cold a manner as Joe kicked Juelia to the curb.

Now we see Clare talking on the phone… to a racoon. This is so not funny it’s not even funny.

Awww… Tanner and Jade are falling in love.

Carly about Kirk: “His abs have abs.” Cut to closeup of Kirk’s ab. Seems more like Kirk’s abs have acne. Gross. Thanks for that ABC.

Carly gets a date card and immediately chooses Kirk.

Kirk: “I know Carly wants to sleep with me but I don’t know if I’m ready for that. This is moving really fast.” So either you’re gay or you aren’t that into Carly. This is a romance reality show, Kirk. You are aware you can sleep with as many girls as you want and drop all of them the second the cameras shut down, aren’t you?

Trouble in Paradise with Ashley S. and Dan. He’s seeing red flags. Hey, Dan. Did you see that scene on Chris Soules’ season where Ashley mistook a pomegranate for an onion? What about the group date where she was shooting humans dressed as zombies with paint balls viciously long after they were “dead”? Does anyone in Paradise have an iPad they can loan to Dan? Pretty sure there’s enough footage of Ashley’s multiple personalities to send him running for the hills.

Next, Megan from Chris Soules’ season arrives. I barely remember her but she’s a total ditz. Yay. There weren’t enough of those already on the show. Oh, right. She was the girl who thought “New Mexico” was part of Mexico and was worried she’d need a passport. Sigh…

Carly and Kirk’s Date

Carly’s brother is getting married in Ireland today but she’s blowing it off to be on this trashy reality show? I question your life choices, Carly.

Carly says she wants to get married and have babies. Kirk says it takes him forever to even admit he’s in a relationship. I’m picturing a small plane suddenly spiraling out of the sky to its fiery destruction.

After talking to Carly’s newly married brother on the phone, however, Kirk has a change in attitude and realizes Carly’s opening up to him and he should put his fears aside. They do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

Dan questions his relationship with Ashley S. to her face. Ashley’s going to leave if Dan’s moving on. Ashley:  “I’m not going to live in the darkness. I’m going to live by the sun and love by the moon and if [Dan’s] not down with the moon, I’m done… Good bye, Felicia.” Gee, I wonder why Dan has questions. Who the f*ck is Felicia?

UPDATE: Thanks to someone who commented on my blog, the “Felicia” mystery has been solved. Here’s a clip from the movie “Friday”. I’m an old white lady so I hope you’ll have patience with me, audience, for failing to grasp this pop culture reference. Guess this is what you say when someone leaves and you couldn’t care less. So Ashley’s cray but not so cray she’s making people up:

 

Megan’s afraid of the crabs. Aren’t we all.

Ashley I. reminds us that the girls are getting the date cards this week and the guys are handing out the roses which means two girls are going home.

Dan is interested in Megan. Oh, Dan. That’s like Ayn Rand dating Corky from Life Goes On.

Megan is interested in Dan and JJ. JJ seems like a more equal match intellectually. And not surprisingly, Megan asks JJ to go on her date with her. Water seeks its own level.

Joe and Sam are all over each other. Ashley S. is suspicious: “It seems like they’ve been coupled up for a year.” Hmmm… I’m suspicious too.

Everyone’s mad that Joe screwed Juelia over to get a rose in order to get to meet Samantha.

Dan wants to beat the sh*t out of Joe. Oooo… I hope he does. Anything to spice up this train wreck of a show.

Joe finally admits he and Samantha did talk before the show but it wasn’t a big deal. They’d just spoken via text, social media, and on the phone for a MONTH prior to going on the show. Yeah, no biggie. They only spent more time getting to know each other than Kaitlyn and Shawn did before he put a ring on her finger.

Dan Confronts Joe

Dan drags Joe over to Juelia to answer everyone’s suspicions that Joe played Juelia. Everyone just wants Joe to cop to the fact that he used Juelia and the dude refuses to own up to it. Juelia concludes that Joe doesn’t give a damn about anyone’s feelings but his own. A brilliant deduction.

But then Juelia mentions she’s going to talk to Sam because they’re friends and finally Joe is reticent and cops to what he did. Now, Joe’s sh*tting bricks, especially when Sam and Juelia decide to go have a private conversation elsewhere.

On the preview for night two, there seems to be a question whether or not Sam and Joe plotted to make sure they stayed in Paradise until the other one arrived, no matter the cost. We shall see.

Next: Week 3 – Episode 2 and After Paradise

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