Bachelor 2016: Bachelor Live Recap

Hey, Everyone.

I promised you a Bachelor Live recap and I’ve been derelict in my responsibilities as a blogger. I’ve had a bad cold this week and dealing with that on top of chronic illness is challenging to say the least. My apologies.

I know a lot of you found my blog through my links in the comments section of other blogs. On the surface, I’m sure it looks like I’m just using people to get traffic to my blog but I’m actually benefiting them as well by posting those links and by linking back to them. You can read more about how the internet works here.

Despite my snark and often dark perspective on the Bachelor shows, I actually genuinely care about people and would never use anyone just to further my own agenda. If the other bloggers thought I was just using them, they would delete my comments but they don’t because they can see on their end that they get traffic from my site.

I’m going to start linking to two new blogs this week which I think you’ll all enjoy. Thank you to Melissa H. and Pril for making me aware of these other blogs. I think they’re great and I think you will think so too. One is Some Guy in Austin and the other is Therese Odell’s blog which she writes for the Houston Chronicle.

Okay, enough preamble. Time for Bachelor Live.

Bachelor 2016: After Bachelor Recap Week 2

Chris Harrison reminds us that we got shots of Ben without his shirt. As if we could forget and about damn time.

Kris Jenner and Chris Soules are the special guests this week. For as many Ch/Krises there are on Bachelor live this week, it still doesn’t compare to the number of Laurens on The Bachelor. I think we’re down to two left in the house though now. That’s a relief but still both blonde and bubbly and probably will both go far.

Kris says Olivia needs to “slow her roll”. I think she’s at least 20 years older than I am and I don’t consider myself hip enough to use that phrase. But I do agree with her. Olivia is too hyped up about her connection with Ben.

A caller calls in to ask Chris H. if he things Olivia can recover from her villain side emerging this week. He claims she’s smart and she can but basically intimates she doesn’t. So… Nick V. and I were right in our initial thoughts that Olivia is going to be this season’s long-term villain? It does look that way. She’s Britt 2.0.

More Lace talk. Who was the Lace of Chris Soules’ season? Ashley S. Duh.

Montage of Lace insisting she’s not crazy while displaying complete craziness. Good work, Bachelor editors.

America agrees that Olivia is going to cause more drama in the house than Lace this coming week.

Aahhhhhhh! Montage of Olivia’s unhinged jaw! I did not need to see that. Does she know how utterly terrifying she looks like when she does that? Therese Odell’s nickname for Olivia is Babadook. Classic. I didn’t think of that. The sewer monster from the X-Files and something out of Jurassic Park came to my mind.

Next up, Ben. Hi, Ben. Yes, talk about Olivia and try not to let on that you probably sent her packing around week 6 (how long is this show again?). There are “depths” he keeps finding out about Olivia as the weeks go on. Is he talking about her mouth or her personality?

We find out Chris S. and Kris aren’t much better at geography than the women who attended Bachelor High though I don’t think anyone could do worse than Becca turning Indiana on its side. Lincee posted a link to a geography game that gets you to place states on the map. Despite all my nerdiness, I only got a 78%. Passing but definitely not my strong suit. I especially struggled with the southern states.

Ben is asked who gets the rose: Kevin Hart or Ice Cube? Uh… neither? Ben gives it to Kevin but I’m definitely team neither. Bring Amy Schumer back!

Montage of Chris Soules’ many makeout sessions. Ew. Kiss count: 63

We get to see a cut scene of Ben talking about his slightly bruised feelings over LB’s sudden departure. I guess he actually liked the Muppet despite her not seeming to have that much going for her other than humility and modesty. Great traits but not much without a little personality to go with it.

Another cut scene: Jubilee giving Ben a teddy bear to hug whenever he’s feeling unlovable. Awww…

Oooo… Ben shower scene. Thank you, Bachelor Live.

Hahahahaha. Shushanna tries to teach one of the twins to speak some Russian. Fail.

This week in Bachelor history, we relive Ashley Salter’s “Mesa Verde” paintball gun rampage. Good times.

Forgot to mention that Chris S. and Kris have been making barrettes during the whole show like the ones Ben and Amanda made for Amanda’s daughters and Chris H. is wearing them in his hair. Yep. He looks about as stupid as you’re probably imagining he does.

PTSD flashback to Jake Pavelka’s season. Remember when one of the female contenders for his heart started doing it with one of the Bachelor staff members? Knowing what we now know about Jake, I think we can probably all agree that was a smart move on her part and he totally freaking deserved it!

Also this week in Bachelor History, we revisit Victoria’s drunken “Hymen Maneuver” rant on Juan Pablo’s season. I have mo memory of this despite having watched the season. Victoria probably doesn’t either. It’s too bad he let her go. They probably would have been a great match.

A caller asks if it’s weird for Chris S. to see Becca competing for Ben’s heart. The answer is, “Yes, it’s a little strange.” But more interesting is Chris’ description of his convo with Ben about her. He said he can’t really talk too much about it. The implication is that Becca went far in the process. Hmmm…

Next, another cut scene: one of the twins lets Ben know she doesn’t eat ANY vegetables and doesn’t know how she’s alive. She lives on a diet of pizza bagels, Oreos , Goldfish, and Skittles. I really hate this skinny blonde b*tch right now. I live on boneless skinless chicken breast, fruit, and spinach just to maintain chubby. Screw you, Thing One.

America is asked to vote on who Ben should have given the “Love Lab” group date rose to. Shockingly, Olivia comes in dead last at 6% after single-mom Amanda (87%) and Sour Sam (7%). Sucks to be the villain on The Bachelor. I wonder how long it will be before Olivia starts getting death threats on Twitter if she’s a fallen woman after only week 2.

Bachelor News

Ashley S. is engaged. Really? Does this alleged fiance live in Canada like so many fictitious boyfriends/girlfriends? Ima need to see proof of this to believe it. Not that Ashley isn’t cute and fun but she’s really freaking strange and it’s not all an act.

Ali Fedotowsky is preggers! Congrats, girl! Yay, baby!

…and now… drum roll, please…

Tanner and Jade are getting married within the next few weeks on ABC! Yet another of my marriage predictions comes to pass. Congrats to them!

Sneak Peak of tonight’s episode during which Olivia flaunts her connection with Ben in the other girls’ faces much to Ben’s dismay. Face palm. Olivia, dear, your days are numbered. Did I say this girl would make it to hometowns? I might have to revise that prediction… not yet though. I need more information to count her out. Let’s not forget that Courtney won all the marbles and by that I mean she won Ben F. who was never much of a prize. I was not happy when he was selected as the Bachelor.

Alright, that’s it for After Bachelor. Looking forward to week 3!

See you guys tomorrow!

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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese.
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.
Chris Harrison’s Blog – I don’t think he actually writes it but his ghost writer is damn clever.

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