Bachelor 2016: Episode 5 Recap

Other interesting highlights from the cooking portion of the group date:

• Emily despises Olivia so much, it looks like she’s ready to cut a b*tch. She’s holding a giant knife in her hand during her ITM while she talks about Olivia.
• Ben claims he’s no longer the Bachelor, he’s the “Spatular.” Fire the writers! I know he didn’t come up with that schlock on his own.
• The chefs tell us that in Mexican culture, a woman is ready to get married when she knows how to cook. I guess “engrossing” oneself in Mexican culture also means embracing chauvinism. I’ve been married and divorced and I can’t cook for sh*t. (And, no, my lack of cooking skills had nothing to do with the failure of my marriage, you little snarksters.)
• Ben has already tasted JoJo’s taco and it’s delicious. How did I miss that scene?
• Olivia thinks crickets make a good garnish. I repeat, she is weird.
• The chefs say Ben and Olivia’s finished dish looks like dog food. I’m sure the producers didn’t tell them to say that or anything.

Jubilee’s Departure

On the night time portion of the group date, we find Jubilee once again desperate to get some quality time with Ben. And once again, Olivia beats her to the punch.

After making out with Olivia’s dragon mouth, Ben returns to the group and asks to speak with Jennifer. Jubilee sulks as she sees yet another woman go off with the man she wants.

Then Ben and Lauren B. go off to heavily make out in front of a church and Jubilee is just beside herself that she’s not getting the time she wants with Ben. It’s really hard to have sympathy for people who just sit around and wait for life to hand them what they want on a silver platter. You want something, go after it. If you’re too chicken sh*t to go after it, you have no one to blame but yourself when you don’t get it.

Finally, Ben and Jubilee go off for some alone time and Jubilee pulls her hand away when Ben reaches for it. Way to make him think you really like him, Jube.

They sit down. Ben gives her the “I don’t think we have a future together” speech and off she is to the kiss and cry area.

On After Bachelor, they called Jubilee’s exit “heart-wrenching.” My heart was not wrenched. I genuinely like Jubilee but she wasn’t the right type of person to go on a show like The Bachelor. She’s too sensitive. There are all kinds of issues that you have to deal with as an adult in relationships when you have a really f*cked up childhood and deep-seated insecurities about whether or not you can love and receive love are the biggest to overcome. I’m 40 and it’s still a struggle for me.

Jubilee is just beginning her path to untangling herself internally and going on a show where you have to compete for someone’s love is the opposite of what someone in her situation should be doing. But, hopefully, she’ll take away from the experience that any instance in which she has to fight for someone’s love is not healthy for her. It’s really not healthy for anyone but those of us who really shouldn’t try it seem to be drawn to those experiences like moths to flames. The fight reaffirms our belief about ourselves that love is not something that should be freely offered to us but something we have to twist ourselves into knots to earn.

People in general tend to be drawn to situations that reaffirm their own images of themselves. If you think you’re unlovable, you’ll find yourself in situations that confirm that notion. If you think you’re lovable, you’ll find yourself in situations where you’re adored. Don’t believe me? Try it. Start telling yourself how amazing and lovable you are, really believe it, and watch if love and all kinds of good things don’t start showing up on your doorstep. The world is inside of you, not outside of you.

So Jubilee leaves. It was only a matter of time anyway since, well, she’s black. If you’re one of those people who believe this show isn’t racist, I’ve got a bridge to sell you. Not that I think Ben is a racist but the producers don’t look for men who will be into black women when they cast Bachelors because diversity is only something that concerns them to the point it concerns us which is why they cast token black contestants. They look for men who will boost their ratings and only throw in some black contestants to satisfy the PC police.

It’s week 5 and now all the black contestants are gone. Surprise, surprise. Sharleen Joynt is the only mixed contestant who could have gone the distance but she was just way too smart for the show. Who wouldn’t have loved to see Sharleen Joynt as The Bachelorette though? I think they would have cast her too if it weren’t for the fact that she probably wouldn’t play ball with the producers.

Ben returns to the group with a heavy heart after letting Jubilee go. JoJo steps up to the plate and steals Ben away to comfort him and express her empathy for his situation of having to break people’s hearts every week. That was her first Bachelorette audition tape in case you didn’t pick up on it. There will be more of them in the weeks to come.

Olivia manages to get the group rose much to the dismay of the other women because she’s just like, so horrible. I mean I can’t EVEN.

So remember when I told you last week that the editors were manipulating footage to make it seem like Ben was losing interest in Olivia? Yes, he is SO not interested in her that he gave her the much coveted group date rose. The Bachelor is lying to us as it is often want to do.

Lauren H. and Ben’s One-on-One

Today, Ben and Lauren H. are going to “engross” themselves in fashion. They visit a high-end (I think) fashion house in Mexico City where they are told they’re going to walk the runway.

Lauren H. is freaked out! How will she possibly be able to walk the runway surrounded by tall, leggy, blonde models and not stand out like a sore thumb??? Uh… maybe because she looks exactly like a tall, leggy, blonde model. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that she was singled out for this date because she could actually pull it off. If I were a spectator, I wouldn’t have noticed Lauren H. wasn’t just another model.

Olivia and her weird legs would not have worked for this date.

Ben very sweetly reassures Lauren that she has nothing to worry about being around all those models. She’s the most beautiful girl there. Oh, Ben. You silver-tongued devil.

That night, we find out that Lauren H. is yet ANOTHER victim of a lying philanderer only she moved across country to be with him. Well, it sucks for her but that should be lighting up bells and whistles in Ben’s brain: we just found out Lauren H. is willing to move across country for love. Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner.

Too bad there’s virtually zero chemistry between Lauren H. and Ben. I actually think Lauren H. is kind of annoying. The way she speaks sounds like she just stepped out of the movie Fargo.

The Cocktail Party

All the girls are wondering, “Why doesn’t Ben see what a horrible person Olivia is the way we do? She’s a monster, a liar, she’s faking being nice for the cameras!” If she’s faking being nice for the cameras, I hate to see what she’s like when she’s not. Olivia is just weird, not evil.

So now we come to the big comment that EVERYONE (YES, LITERALLY EVERYONE) in Bachelor Nation is talking about. When Amanda talks about her kids, Olivia quips, “I feel like this is an episode of Teen Mom.”

Amanda: “Excuse me?” (Translation: “Oh no you didn’!”)

Instant awkward silence. If anyone looked at Olivia’s reaction and honestly thought she wasn’t immediately remorseful for having obviously offended Amanda and alienated everyone there, they need to have their emotional IQ checked.

There was further proof of this when we saw Olivia tearfully apologizing to Amanda (who told Olivia she reminded her of Snookie? What?) and saying she was going to try harder (to fit in with the other women I assume and not upset them).

But Emily, rocket scientist/psychologist that she is, insists Olivia’s tears are fake. And if a savant like Emily says it, it must be true! How did I not see it before? Oh, Em, my namesake, how you have opened my eyes with your Buddhist-like wisdom. (Actually, she’d probably make a great Buddhist since I’m pretty sure ridding her mind of thoughts isn’t a Herculean effort for her.)

Emily decides to finally confront Ben and tell her what a horrible bully Olivia is (and in so doing, buys herself another week on the show).

And Ben needs to get to the bottom of it! After all, he IS responsible for ALL of the emotions that go on in the house. ALL OF THEM!!!

While Sherlock Ben questions the other women about Olivia, Emily phones home to cry to Thing 2 about how awful Olivia is. She might as well have just flown home and said it in person since she’ll only last one more rose ceremony.

Emily is a giant crybaby. I would like her to leave now. She is annoying the crap out of me.

Ben sits down with Amanda who lets him know that she feels like Olivia targeted her. Why? Because of the Teen Mom comment? It was a joke. It just happened to not be a very good one and hurt someone’s feelings. I do not believe that Olivia intended to hurt Amanda and she freaking APOLOGIZED. Amanda, be Elsa.

 

Much to my annoyance, we are left with a cliff hanger. Chris calls Ben to start the rose ceremony and Ben asks if he can speak to Olivia for a minute… “To Be Continued.”

I promise you, Olivia is not going home this week. They’ll talk, they’ll make up, and they’ll have that talk on the beach I told you about where Olivia cries about what’s going on between her and the other women in the house. Soon after that, she’ll leave.

After Bachelor (Bachelor Live)

I’m not going to give a play-by-play of everything that happened on Bachelor Live. I’ll give you the highlights and then get to the big news that was revealed on Bachelor Live’s final episode (Yes! I’ll only have to cover 2 hours of TV instead of 3 from here on out!).

Highlights

• America decided that Ben should take back Olivia’s rose 95 to 5. (Not gonna happen.)
• Chris Soules caucused twice in Iowa on Monday. Once for whatever presidential candidate he’s into and he caucused hard for Leah ’cause she’s “hot.”
• There’s going to be a 20th season Bachelor reunion on Valentine’s day where all the former Bachelors and current Bachelor will reunite for God only knows what reason. ABC has been unable to locate the first Bachelor so if you know where he is, there’s a $10,000 reward (no, there isn’t. I made that up. But if you know where he is, tell him Mike Fleiss is looking for him).

SO onto the BIG NEWS:

Apparently, Ben fell in love with BOTH of his final two women and told them both he loved them before the final rose ceremony. :O

What the what??? He’s going to have to send someone home after he told her he loved her? Poor girl.

Who do guys think the two are that have Ben wishing he could move to Utah with his two brides? My guess is Lauren B. and Becca.

See you next week!

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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese.
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.
Chris Harrison’s Blog – I don’t think he actually writes it but his ghost writer is damn clever.

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