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Bachelor 2016: Episode 9 Recap

Caila Goes Home

Ben claims “he couldn’t help” but tell Lauren and JoJo that he loved them back.

Oh, Really? I don't believe you

How hard is it just to keep your damn mouth shut? Ben is Bachelor #20 and all the other bachelors that came before him managed to keep their L-words in their pants until the finale with the exception of Brad Womack (that I know of) who told Emily Maynard that he loved her. But Brad only told Emily whom we all knew he was going to pick practically from day one.

But whatever, Ben. You couldn’t say it back to Caila so now it’s time to give her the axe.

As Ben is contemplating Caila’s impending heartbreak, Caila is contemplating her impending engagement and bounces Tigger-style over to Ben’s place to steal some alone time with him. How convenient.

Caila is so peppy I want to throw up. I am on my knees praying to the Bachelor gods that I do not have to sit through a season of Caila as The Bachelorette.

Ben: I’m in love with two women here and you’re not one of them so…

Marilyn Monroe Waving Goodbye

Caila doesn’t want to talk at first so she gets in the kiss and cry van ready to run away. Then she gets back out to take advantage of the time to get answers from Ben.

Jessica Jones eye roll

What kind of answers is she hoping to get? How many different ways do you need to hear that someone’s just not that into you?

Ben claims he didn’t know he “loved” JoJo and Lauren until they told him they loved him.

Sure. Let’s go with that.

Get back in the van and stop embarrassing yourself, Caila. You had it right the first time when you bolted.

The Rose Ceremony

Ben is conflicted because he has “two true loves.”

NO, Ben. No you don’t. You love one of them more than the other and it’s probably Lauren. That’s why you don’t tell your final two that you love them because you always love one of them more than the other. In your heart of hearts you know that and on the off chance you don’t, it’s in your contract #BachelorFinePrint

JoJo arrives first for the rose ceremony.

Chris H.: So how was your date?

JoJo: I told Ben I loved him and I got it back.

Chris H.:

Mr. Bean: Oh, really?

Chris escorts JoJo to the ceremony.

Lauren arrives wearing a very low cut, frumpy red dress. She’s not wearing a bra and it’s really unflattering. I think Lauren needs JoJo to dress her. Say what you will about JoJo’s standard uniform of jorts and super revealing billowy tops but the girl knows how to put herself together for a rose ceremony.

Chris Harrison gets the skinny on Lauren’s date:

Chris H.: So how was your date?

Lauren: I told Ben I was in love with him and he said it back.

Chris H.: I wouldn’t know anything about that.

Cat with a feather in its mouth

Chris escorts Lauren to the rose ceremony.

Lauren and JoJo talk awkwardly.

JoJo: So is the most anxious you’ve ever been? (subtext: You should be anxious because Ben told me he loves me.)

Lauren: I don’t know. (subtext: I have no reason to be anxious because Ben told me he loves me.)

JoJo: Where’s Caila? (subtext: You don’t seem nervous. Sh*t! Did Ben tell you he loved you too?)

Lauren: I don’t know. Where’s she at? (subtext: B*tch, I’m his favorite girlfriend. Haven’t you figured that out by now?)

Ben arrives at the rose ceremony sans Caila. He drones on for a minute about how much he liked Caila but not enough to keep her around and then goes through the motions of a typical rose ceremony.

  1. JoJo
  2. Lauren

After the ceremony Ben pulls the women in for a group hug. While Ben seems to be hoping for a threesome, Lauren and JoJo are eyeing each other and noticing a distinct lack of anxiety in the other which leads each of them to the inevitable conclusion that Ben likely told them BOTH that he loved them.

Alright, see you guys next week for the Women Tell All!

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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese. – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap. – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows. – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.
Chris Harrison’s Blog – I don’t think he actually writes it but his ghost writer is damn clever.


12 thoughts on “Bachelor 2016: Episode 9 Recap

  1. Here is my scenario for the ending –
    Ben will pick b@@bs – well just because they are nice b@@bs and Lauren doesn’t have any b@@bs!!!! Then he will pull a Mesnick and tell Lauren – “I’m sorry but I was blindsided by the b@@bs!!! You must forgive me and give me another chance.” Then Lauren would say – “I liked the b@@bs too and can understand your confusion; plus my shorts were so tight we couldn’t get them off, and the interns didn’t have scissors, so the b@@bs were all you saw that week, and didn’t get to sample my flavors. Let’s start over Ben!!! I still love you.”
    Then they would borrow an elephant from Sean and Catherine and ride off into the sunset.

    • That’s hilarious. I can only hope that the ending is half as entertaining as you envision it. 😀

      Thank you for your comment. It’s very much appreciated! 🙂

  2. Ha-ha-ha! So funny this week! I loved the neon pink section. Like you, I will have to do myself in, if I have to watch Caila or Amanda as the next Bachelorette.

    • Thanks, Melissa.

      I don’t know what we’re gonna do if Caila or Amanda is the choice. I’m going to have to get wasted to get through every episode.

      Surely the Bachelor gods would not be so cruel.

      Thank you for your comment. I always appreciate your feedback! 🙂

  3. My favorite recap. You made me laugh and it was fun to read. Actually more fun than the episode…except for all the “love” going around. Now I’m going to go read the pink section again. Thank you!

    • Hey, Vicki.

      I’m glad you enjoyed the recap! It’s seriously hard for me to watch the show right now because it just dragsssssss… but we have to make it fun somehow, right?

      I’m happy I could make it tolerable for you and I’m glad you enjoyed the pink section enough to read it twice.

      Thank you for your comment and your feedback! 😀

  4. I love that you made a reference to JoJo asking Lauren if she was nervous. I was thinking the exact same thing you wrote. “Are you nervous every because you… Ben loves me!”

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