Bachelor in Paradise 2015: Week Three Recap

Bachelor in Paradise 2015 Week Three Recap: Episode Two

Another exciting episode of Bachelor In Paradise (yawn).

I like that they added “Jorge the Bartender” to their cheesy opening. He doesn’t get enough credit for being the 24/7 bartender to these pampered crybabies.

Jade and Juelia pull Sam aside to warn her about Joe but she’s not having any of it. Sam isn’t willing to talk without Joe present.

Did Juelia just say Joe immediately asked her out when he got to Paradise because he watched her season and wanted to get to know her? Wow. Delusional. Joe didn’t ask anyone out. He asked who wanted to go horseback riding and Juelia raised her hand and said, “Oo, oo! Me! Me! Me! Pick Me!” Or something similarly desperate.

Nonetheless, Samantha is acting very fishy. She doesn’t have faith in Jade and Juelia’s word and she’s acting like a real See You Next Tuesday.

Samantha rats Juelia out to Joe and he assures her that she’s the only one he wanted to get to know.

Tanner’s got the scoop again. Joe sent him a screenshot of a text from Sam telling him to do whatever it takes to stay in Paradise prior to the beginning of the show. How is Tanner the guy who always has the 411 on everyone?

Samantha lies to the producers about plotting to meet Joe in Paradise. Sam probably would’ve gotten away with it if she hadn’t admitted she lied in her ITM to Joe when she thought she was off-camera so they could get their stories straight. Oh, Samantha. That was so dumb. You know there are cameras everywhere and you have your mic on for Christ’s sake.

I don’t mind plotters but plotters who get caught are pathetic losers.

Dan breaks up with Ashley S. I hear the theme from the shower scene in Psycho in my head.

Amber from Chris’s season arrives with a date card. She’s got her sights set on Dan. Dra-MA.

Amber asks Dan out. He pulls her aside to talk to her about the Ashley situation but lets her know he’s interested. Amber is cool about it. Dan pulls Ashley aside to talk to her about the date with Amber.

Ashley is convinced Dan isn’t “a man” because he broke her heart.

Honey, he told you the truth when he broke up with you. He sees red flags and incompatibilities. I don’t know how you can be more of a man than being direct even if it means hurting someone you care about. So he’s avoided you since. What do you expect? He’s already let you know he’s looking for greener pastures. Did you think that meant he was going to continue hanging with you non-stop and not talk to any other girls in Paradise? Grow up. Or get medicated. Or both.

JJ and Megan’s Date

They take a ride on a small yacht. Immediately, JJ makes a crack about Megan having visited Mexico before when she went to Albuquerque (I can’t believe I spelled that right without spell check). JJ doesn’t think he and Megan are compatible intellectually but she has “beautiful eyes and other beautiful assets” so he finally feels a connection in Paradise. So JJ left his kid to leg-hump a hottie in Paradise? What happened to finding his future bride and a mom for his daughter?

Ashley S. is on the path to cray cray town after losing Dan. She’s talking to tropical birds. The kind that don’t talk back. I might have said she was just lonely if they spoke back.

In case you don’t know, the Muppets are returning to TV on ABC this fall. After 38 years, Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy have broken up. It’s sad that Tanner and Jade are doing better on a crappy reality show like Bachelor in Paradise than Kermie and Piggy.

Dan and Amber’s Date

It’s a nighttime date. The locals chant for them to kiss as they walk down a street in Porta Vallarta so they oblige them. Then fireworks go off. Don’t people usually have dinner first?

Dan is into Amber. I think Dan might be the best catch in Paradise. Lucky Amber. I don’t really remember her but she definitely seems like a cool chick. More Dan’s speed.

According to Ashley S., crabs can smile. Meanwhile, Dan and Amber are tasting each others’ esophagi in the backstreets of Porta Vallarta. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dan came home to a bed full of smiling crabs (the pinching kind) or a boiled bunny.

JJ and Joe

JJ, Jared, and Tanner confront Joe about his douchey behavior. Joe continues to deny to his friends that he came to Paradise only to meet Sam.

JJ suggests that Joe give his rose to someone other than Samantha and Joe and Samantha leave the show since they obviously only wanted to meet each other. JJ, that sounded almost principled.

Jared: “What planet am I on that I’d come into Paradise and like JJ better than Joe?” I know, right? My mind is blown by this turn of events. I really liked Joe before Paradise.

JJ gets fed up with Joe’s denials and threatens to knock his teeth in.

TO BE CONTINUED…

P.S. Ashley S. has made a new connection with a parrot she calls “Juanita”. Oy.

After Paradise

Jason Biggs and the director of Guardians of the Galaxy are the guest hosts. JJ is on the show to talk about Joe.

JJ says if he’d seen the full story as revealed on the BIP episodes, he would have knocked Joe the f*ck out. I think you might have lost that fight, buddy, but Dan could have pulled it off if you asked him sweet enough.

A caller slams JJ for smart-shaming Megan. Wow. Coolest caller ever.

Jason Biggs: “Joe is the best thing to ever happen to you, JJ.” Yeah. JJ looks like a saint by comparison.

And apparently, JJ has redeemed himself in the eyes of America. In an instant poll, 87% of viewers see JJ as a hero now. He’s no longer a villain. I wouldn’t go that far but he might not be as douchey as we were led to believe on The Bachelorette. JJ still has a ways to go to completely redeem himself in my eyes.

Wow. Looking at some of the cut scenes of JJ, JJ is actually kind of funny.

And then he ruins it by calling Megan a “blonde trash bag with nice tits.”

A caller tells Chris H. it’s annoying when Chris says “this is the most dramatic season ever.” You think? But that’s part of the show. Would it really be the same if Chris Harrison didn’t say that every season? I think not.

JJ and Clint made up and are besties. Awww… I think that relationship might have a better chance of going the distance than Kaitlyn and Shawn’s.

JJ gets asked why he’s unemployed. His answer is that he quit his job to deal with his divorce and take care of his daughter. What a load of B.S. Dude, how are you taking care of your daughter if you’re not bringing in any money to support her? SERIOUSLY, get a job.

Juelia comes on the show next. Something’s up with my DVR so I lost a few minutes. Not sure what Juelia said in that time. Don’t really care. Sorry she got hurt, sorry she lost her husband, but she’s boring. Sweet but dull.

Apparently, Samantha posted a tweet during the live after show which is going to be read on the air after the commercial. I’m on the edge of my seat :I

Samantha’s tweet: “Sorry, Juelia. I was scared & had no idea of the drama going on.. deceiving some1 is never an option #undertheJoespell…”

Whatever, bee-otch. You told Joe to do whatever it took to stay in Paradise until you got there and he did and now you want to disown any responsibility for someone getting hurt? You and Joe deserve each other.

Joe’s response tweet: “Under the Joe spell? Really?”

Yeah, even Joe’s not defending Samantha’s innocent act which leads me to believe their romance was ill-fated.

Next week the new Bachelor will be announced on After Paradise so Ben H. will be on the show. Yay!

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Check out these other links I think you’ll enjoy:

OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, spoiler-free recap.
Chris Harrison’s Blog
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic and I don’t necessarily agree with how he treats people on The Bachelor/ette franchise in his writings, but he’s entertaining nonetheless and he’s got his finger on the pulse of all things Bachelor.

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