Bachelor In Paradise 2016 – Week 1

Bachelor In Paradise Recap – Episode 1

I’m going to start out by saying that despite the fact that I am very disappointed in Nick Viall for going on BIP, I am also sincerely glad he’s there because his rational intelligent commentary is the only thing that made the first episode watchable for me.

We’ll see how things turn out with him this season and if he gets engaged to any of the dumb dumbs from Ben’s season. I will be quite peeved if he does. It just seems like he’s slumming it right now to get more Twitter followers. I would’ve been fine if he were chosen to be the next Bachelor because I could have taken his quest for love more seriously since it would be a new crop of women.

But BIP? It’s trashy, cheesy, whiny, vomit-inducing, etc. etc. The women are vapid and high-maintenance and the men are as dense as their muscle mass. These guys don’t even have the wherewithal to find employment as gym membership salesmen.

All right. Time to check in on the first episode of the Chad Show. Because we haven’t given this douche bag enough attention yet.

*****STOP THE PRESSES!******

Looking at the previews again for the season, it looks like Nick is going to date a brunette and I think it’s possibly Jennifer from Ben season. Honestly, if Nick was going to get engaged to anyone from Ben’s season, I think the only person I would say was a good choice for him is Jennifer. She struck me as intelligent, down-to-earth, and humble. I almost forgot about her but she was one of my three possible picks for Bachelorette on night one. So maybe Nick will redeem himself after all.

*****Okay. Resume the presses.*****

Hemily is back. Say it ain’t so!

Nick is back obviously.

Jubilee is back and has been working on her resting bitch face so she looks more approachable.

I seriously have no patience for people who judge other people based on their resting facial expressions. I also have no patience for people who tell you to smile because it somehow makes them uncomfortable to see someone not jumping for joy while they’re just trying to buy a damn latte? Polite behavior in public does not dictate you must be smiling at all times. So f*ck the social niceties police! Just be you, Jube.

Evan is back with a brand-new T-shirt. That’s so awesome for him.

Chad is back with a suitcase full of meat and protein powder. Nick delivers the line of the night when he says, “If Chad doesn’t show up eating a sweet potato, I’m going to be really disappointed.” Curse you, Nick, for making me like you again!

Lace is back and insists she’s no longer crazy. Uh-huh. All the yoga in the world can’t cure crazy.

Daniel is back and he’s as ridiculous as ever and will likely be gone the second Chad is forced off the show because Daniel doesn’t make sense without Chad.

Amanda is back and as obnoxiously sweet and high-pitched as ever.

Vinny is back and… nobody cares.

Carly is back. Since she’s approaching the age limit for women on this franchise I’m going to assume she’s in paradise to play some sort of narrator role. She’s a yapper.

Fireman Grant is back. Bored.

Sarah with the one arm from Sean’s season is back for her third shot at reality TV love.

Can we please stop ignoring the giant, trunkless elephant in the room that Sarah’s lack of an arm isn’t getting in the way of her chances to find love? I’m not saying she isn’t cute and I’m not saying she isn’t a good person, but the people on these shows are generally extremely shallow and get together based purely on physical attraction and I just don’t see this working out for her. She’ll have a hard enough time finding someone in the real world let alone on reality TV. I wish her the best and I hope she finds love but I don’t see it happening on Bachelor in Paradise.

Amanda, Nick, and Jubilee arrive in Paradise first. All are hoping to meet Chad (why???) but Evan arrives next and Jubilee calls him “the penis guy”. When she finds out his name she says she’s going to stop calling him “the penis guy” but I think I’m going to call him “the penis guy” from now on.

Daniel arrives and expresses disappointment with the girls who are there so far because he’s an eagle and he’s not going to settle for a pigeon. I don’t think he realizes that he’s not so much an eagle as a seagull.

I can’t believe that one of the Hemily’s is actually interested in getting to know Daniel. But he’s super-excited to get to know her because I guess in his mind she’s an eagle? She was too dumb to know the difference between a duck and a swan so it wouldn’t surprise me if she couldn’t tell that Daniel is a seagull, not an eagle.

Izzy from Ben’s season is back and God only knows why. I barely remember this woman.

Jubilee is super excited when Jared returns to paradise because he’s the only guy she’s interested in. But one of the Hemily’s wants him too. Poor Jared. He’s such a panty-dropper.

Glasses quiver and parrots scream “danger!” in Spanish as Chad arrives T-Rex style.

A lot of the cast is convinced that Chad isn’t really as big of a douche as he seem to be on The Bachelorette. Are you f*cking kidding me? Were these people watching the same show we were watching?

Chris Harrison gathers this summer’s suckers in the cabana living room to let them know that the guys have the power this week to hand out roses and that if any guy gives one of the twins a rose, the other twin automatically gets to stay. God help us.

The Penis Guy obviously didn’t learn his lesson the first time with Chad and decides to go rifling through his bag to find his protein powder while doing a crappy imitation of Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter. You know what happened to that guy, Penis Guy? He got a spike to the heart from a stingray he was poking. You’re an idiot.

Jubilee gets the first date card and promptly asks Jared out much to the dismay of a Hemily.

Vinny and Izzy become an item. I think they’ll be a couple that goes the distance. They seem like a pretty good match.

Did Jared and Jubilee go on a date or did someone slip me some LSD? Did any of you guys hear them having an in depth discussion about The Lord of the Rings Trilogy in a forest of piñatas that was haunted by a creepy Mexican clown?

But enough about the contestants who are trying to make an honest attempt to find love. This is still the Chad Show.

I did like the way Lace owned Chad before he lost his sh*t, figuratively and literally. Aside from that, I’m looking forward to not having to watch the Chad Show anymore.

Chad gets drunk off his ass and talks about murdering people again but the real low point comes when he calls Sarah a “one-armed bitch”.

Daniel tries to calm Chad down and Chad says something about Daniel not being murdery enough. Chad is so drunk he doesn’t know if he wants to murder someone or be murdered. I think he might be better off with the latter. He seems to not know how to do life very well but maybe he’ll go home, sober up, and find some morsel of goodness buried deep within in his soul worth salvaging.

Chad wakes up the next day with no underwear because he shit his pants. I hope the intern who had to clean up that mess got paid quadruple time.

Lace says Chad has mental issues because his mom died. Uh… no. Your mother dying doesn’t turn you into a psychopath. That’s not a thing.

Chris Harrison summons the Paradisers into the cabana to basically kick Chad to the curb.

Apparently, the previous night, Chad told everyone who works at the hotel they’re staying at to suck a dick.

I’m sorry. I do hate Chad, truly. But that’s f*cking hilarious.

In typical Chad fashion, he blames everyone but himself for getting kicked off the show and storms off like a toddler screaming: “Fuck you, crabs!”

And then he calls Harrison out for sipping mimosas in his bathrobe from a thousand miles away and casting judgment.

He then insists he has nothing in his life and intimates that it has something to do with ABC setting him up to look like an a$$hole on national television. There might be some truth to that but it wasn’t a bad edit that made him punch a wall, threaten Jordan, date Grant and Robby’s exes, and call Sarah a one-armed bitch and Army McArmerson.

Sorry buddy. You may play a douche on TV but you’re also one in real life.

To be continued…

On the preview for the season, we find out that Josh Murray, one of the biggest tools in the history of the Bachelor franchise, is coming to Paradise and it looks like he and Nick are going to resume their feud. That should be entertaining. Is it wrong that I hope Josh drowns?

I seriously lost all respect for Andi when she chose Josh. Maybe Nick wasn’t right for her but there were a hell of a lot better guys than Josh for Andi to choose from. I would’ve sent his dumb ass home the first night if I had been the bachelorette. He’s an arrogant, unattractive, meathead with a unibrow.

We also found out Bachelor in Paradise is going to be on every Monday and Tuesday. If they’re one hour shows, I might be able to keep up. If they’re two hour shows, it’s going to be difficult to say the least. We’ll just have to see how things go.

Thank you all for reading and I want to send a special shout out to Alyson who sent me a really great email last week that made me feel on top of the world.

You guys are what keep me going. I’ll be back next week with another exciting Recap of BIP.

I know the new episode is starting in the east. I tried to get this out beforehand but I did what I could do.

Enjoy this week’s first episode!

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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese.
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.

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