Bachelor in Paradise 2015 Finale ©2015 ABC, mods by Café Emily

Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Week 6 – Finale

After Paradise

The current Miss America is a guest which gives Chris Harrison an excuse to advertise the fact that the next Miss America pageant will be held this coming Sunday night. Set your DVRs, kids.

Catherine and Sean are on because they’re pretty much on any time a couple gets engaged on one of The Bachelor shows.

Comedian, Nikki Glaser, is on as the second guest host. It cracked me up when I saw the description under her name: “Not Miss America”.

A caller calls in and defends Kirk over Carly, saying she overreacted. My reaction? Click.

Miss America answers a Twitter question about who should win a male Paradise swimsuit competition. She says Jared. Jenny says Tanner because he’s probably the only one who doesn’t have a hideous tattoo on his body. I’m torn. My first instinct was Dan but I could see Jared winning it. I just can’t remember seeing him in just his swimsuit. I really don’t care enough about what guys look like to have a solid opinion on the matter though. I care more about their brains which, sadly, were lacking on Bachelor in Paradise.

Tenley is on to talk about Joshua. She rehashes her reasons for choosing not to continue their relationship. They’ve talked since. Sounds like Joshua might not be over her since Tenley had to go over with him more than once why they couldn’t be together.

Amber calls in to talk about Samantha because apparently she and Samantha are best friends. She says she feels so bad for the rap Samantha has gotten and lets us know that Nick and Samantha are doing “amazing”. They’ve met each others’ families even. That’s a bit of surprise, I must say. But I wish them the best.

America wants Jared back in Paradise next summer. Okay, but only if he perks up by then. He seemed so depressed this season. Was it all because of Kaitlyn?

Chris Harrison says he wants Tenley back in Paradise. Tenley says she’s too old. At 31? This show really needs to open up to people in their early to mid 30s. They’d get a lot more mature contestants who were actually ready for marriage than the 20-something millennials they cast now that cry and pitch fits all the time. Less drama, perhaps, but easier to watch for people like me who want to be invested in the outcome of the Bachelor franchise’s “love stories”.

Cassandra is on. Chris Harrison announces that it’s official: Cassandra’s in a relationship. Did Twitter blow up when Jonathan walked out on stage instead of Justin?

Apparently, Jonathan and Cassandra met on a photo or video shoot. Cassandra was doing makeup and Jonathan was “the talent” which means he was either a model or an actor. The rest is history.

Finally, a black man has found love on this damned franchise. Hallelujah! And with one of the most beautiful contestants ever. You go, Jonathan. I want these two to have babies because they would be absolutely stunning.

Carly’s on. Ug. We’re going to rehash the breakup. This is killing my love buzz from watching Tanner propose to Jade.

Wow. Kirk told Carly she could move in with him because he has a huge home with tons of rooms? For kids? As if Kirk didn’t seem like enough of an idiot from what we already saw last night.

They show a cut scene of Carly singing a song to Kirk. She has a really pretty voice.

She also wrote a song about her breakup with Kirk that she put out on Sound Cloud:

I love the title, “Blindsided”.

According to Ashley I., Carly “Taylor-Swifted” Kirk’s ass. LOL.

51% of America says Carly should forgive Kirk. I’m usually on the side of forgiveness for any failed relationship. Holding a grudge doesn’t do you any good in the long run. Negative emotions are bad for your health. I don’t necessarily think Kirk shouldn’t have to pay a debt of karma for what he did, but everyone is redeemable and it’ll just be easier for Carly to move on if she forgives and forgets.

Kirk comes on to apologize AGAIN. He says he “should have said something sooner.” To which Carly responds, “Yeah, you should have.”

More hashing. Carly runs circles around Kirk’s dumb ass who really has no legit excuses for his behavior. She’s so much smarter than he is. I hope her next guy is a little bit sharper.

Tanner and Jade are on, glowing with new love. They’re doing great, even better than when they were on the show. Awww…

Jade has been sneaking off to Kansas City to visit Tanner.

Sean Lowe’s advice to Janner: “I would just say commit because it’s gonna be tough at some points… as every relationship is.” Yeah, I’m not ruling divorce out of Sean and Catherine’s future. That sounded a bit disgruntled.

America overwhelmingly believes Jade and Tanner will get married before Kaitlyn and Shawn. Yeah, because the Janner wedding will likely occur and the Kaitlyn/Shawn wedding is never gonna happen.

Tanner blew off a work deadline to stay in Paradise with Jade. For a coldly logical guy like Tanner, THAT’S love.

And that’s all, folks. The season is officially over.

I would now like to take a moment to release all the contestants on The Bachelorette season 11 and Bachelor in Paradise 2015 from having to be the characters they were molded into through editing and producer manipulation and forgive them all their reality TV crimes, especially the villains. You are all absolved. Now go forth and be regular imperfect human beings albeit with your new massive Twitter followings. Ignore the haters and embrace your supporters, particularly your family and friends. They will keep you grounded and remind you who you really are.

The new Bachelor starts on January 4th, 2016.

My parting remarks to my readers:

I want to thank you all so much for visiting my blog during Bachelor in Paradise. It’s meant the world to me to be able to reach out to you and for people to hear my voice and respond.

I don’t know what I’m going to write about yet in the months leading up to the premiere of The Bachelor but it will probably be a smorgasbord of topics. I have a lot of different interests. Maybe you’ll share some of them, maybe you won’t but I hope you’ll check back from time to time. If you like my blog, please consider filling out the subscription form below so I can keep in touch with you.

Also, I have completely forgotten in all my previous blogs to mention this but it was my intention when I started my blog to have an advice column. There’s a link to the “Ask Emily” section on my menu but there’s nothing there yet because no one has asked me anything yet 🙂

If you need advice about love, friendship, life, or even if you just need help with your math homework, please feel free to contact me. I know I come across as snarky and cynical when I write about the Bachelor franchise but I actually really care about people (which includes YOU) and I know life is hard for everyone. So if you need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, I’m here.

Take care, everyone. I’ll miss you.

My readers are really important to me and the best way to find me again is to subscribe to my blog.

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If you don’t want to subscribe, you can also bookmark my page or Google “cafe emily bachelor”. My blog should come up at the top of the list. I’ve been seeing some search terms people use to find my site and discovered people are having trouble finding me. My favorite search term is “cafeteria emily”. That gave me the giggles. I love my readers!

I also really value your input so please, leave me a comment. Good or bad, I respond to all comments.

I’ve noticed that I’m getting visitors from all over the world so if you’re not a native English speaker, please, don’t let that stop you from posting! Your English doesn’t have to be perfect. I still want to hear from you! Talk to me Bachelor Nation.

Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy: – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap. – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps. Super nice lady too! – A compilation of the funniest tweets about Bachelor in Paradise.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.
Chris Harrison’s Blog – I don’t think he actually writes it but his ghost writer is damn clever, especially about BIP.

See you in January!


2 thoughts on “Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Week 6 – Finale

  1. A fitting final entry for the BIP finale! We now look forward to “The Bachelor” to get this kind of spot-on humor we have come to expect from these recap postings. In the meantime, I am sure you will post your POV on other varied topics which will be equally worthy of reading. Thank you!

    • I’m looking forward to The Bachelor but I really need a break after back-to-back seasons of The Bachelorette and Bachelor In Paradise. A lot of work!

      Thanks for your comment! Much appreciated as usual.

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