Bachelorette 2016 Recap: Episode 1

Mantics (Mansion Antics)

James Taylor: “Jojo’s a 10 out of 10 out of 10 out of 10…”

• Chad is a douche. He has nothing good to say about anyone. He’ll go far.
• Alex steals Jojo first and is automatically labeled “that guy”. He tries to impress Jojo by doing push-ups while she’s sitting on his ass. When I imagine being cheek-to-cheek with a guy, this isn’t what I envision.
• Derek: I’m kind of a Nerd
  JoJo: You mean you’re really smart?
  Derek: Not exactly. I just used to look like Harry Potter as a kid.
  Oh, Derek. You smooth talker. :/

Next we see a montage of Jojo sitting down with goofy kilt guy, the story-less firefighter, someone else too generic to remember and over it all we hear Jojo saying how she wants to feel that instant connection that she felt with Ben and she’s not feeling it yet…

…enter Jordan…

Yep. He’s dreamy.

And while Jojo’s imagining this:

Jordan’s imagining this:

What a surprise. Jojo and Jordan have a connection. They’re both hot so it’s not going to be hard for Jordan to make out with Jojo until he can secure the Bachelor gig.

Jojo also finds a connection with James F. (while boxing), Chase, and after an awkward kiss with Will, Jordan swoops in to make the move he was too chicken-sh*t to make during his first conversation with Jojo. It looked kind of like this:

Jojo is swept off her feet by the kiss… and by his butt.

Chris Harrison drops the first impression rose off on the coffee table in the main living room to force all of the guys to look at it and sweat through their rented tuxes.

Gee. I wonder who’s going to get the first impression rose.

I’m sensing a connection between Wells and Jojo. He’s cute but something tells me he’s a playa’.

Chad and Jojo sit down to talk. Jojo is intrigued by something about CHAD that she can’t quite put her finger on…

Oh, I know what it is. It’s that he’s an a**hole and she has a penchant for cheating d-bags named CHAD.

Remember this?

Next, Daniel tries to explain his incredibly clever “Damn Jojo” joke that he fired at her out of the limo.

Yeah. He’s a real (t)wit.

It goes without saying that these two are not going to run off into the sunset together but I will enjoy watching Daniel continue to make an ass out of himself for the next couple of weeks until Jojo inevitably kicks him to the curb.

Evan is weirded out when Daniel pokes Evan in the bellybutton. I mean that is a bit strange by most mens’ standards but considering Evan spends his days helping other guys get erections, I was surprised he was as phased by it as he was.

According to James F., Daniel is “White Canadian Wasted”.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Points, James F.!

Daniel proceeds to strip down to his skivvies and jump in the pool for a swim while Robby and Jojo try to focus on getting to know each other and Brandon, the professional hipster, shouts, “Damn Daniel!”

More drunken Mantics:

• Nick S. stumbles in while Jojo is shooting an ITM
• Vinny stumbles in next and lets Jojo know he’ll never let her beg for his love on a bathroom floor (like Ben did.)
• Nick S. and Vinny cheer each other over their mutual successes in accosting Jojo during her ITM
• Black, bland architect, Jake, is visibly disgusted upon coming across Daniel in his manties in the foyer

More NON-drunken Mantics:

• Ali, Wolfman, plays Beethoven for Jojo which thoroughly impresses her
• St. Nick finally removes his beard and he’s actually pretty cute
• James Taylor giggles like a school girl when he gets alone time with Jojo
• Luke brought Jojo a pair of cowgirl boots from Texas, their shared home state and continues to sweep her off her feet. They’ve got chemistry off the charts.

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for… Jordan gets the first impression rose.

OMG! I just didn’t see that coming! :I

Chase: “Just remember. Olivia got the first impression rose last season and she got left on an island.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Points, Chase! 😀

But there’s no way Jordan’s getting left on an island. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jojo had them start drafting his fantasy suite invitation the first night.

Rose Ceremony

But wait! Right as things are about to go off without a hitch, another limo pulls up!

Who? Who? Who could it be??? Could it once again be our Nick V.???

Nope. It’s Jake Pavelka 🙁

He ruined my poem. Nothing rhymes with “Pavelka”.

I’m not gonna lie. I had a conniption fit when I saw Jake Pavelka. I hate hate HATE Jake Pavelka and I would have keeled over if he were there to compete for Jojo. Praise be to Allah that he was just there to psych us out. I could not have taken another season of Jake Pavelka.

1. Luke
2. Wells
3. James T.
4. Grant
5. Derek
6. Christian
7. Chad
8. Chase
9. Alex
10. Robby
11. Brandon
12. James F.
13. Ali
14. St. Nick
15. Will
16. James S.
17. Vinny
18. Evan
19. Daniel (Damn, Daniel!)

So Coley (the guy who wanted to take Jojo off the market), Jonathan (maybe don’t lead with a kilt and the size of the member that’s under it next time), Peter (who basically said nothing until his exit interview), Sal (the guy who gave Jojo his blue balls), Jake (the bland architect), and Nick S. (the least interesting of the drunks) all went home.

The math doesn’t quite add up though. 6 guys went home but 20 guys got roses, including Jordan. Hmmm…

Week 1 Predictions

This is my favorite part! Okay, now I’m going to guess who the final four are, who the next Bachelor is going to be, and who Jojo will pick based solely on one episode and my powers of intuition. (I knocked it out of the park the last two seasons. It’s only when I second-guessed myself that things went awry.) Okay, it’s time…

Final Four:

1. Jordan (duh)
2. Luke
3. James F.
4. Will be one of the following in descending order of likelihood: Wells, Robby, Nick B. (St. Nick)

I chose Nick B. because despite his ridiculous costume, he’s actually attractive and seems somewhat sane. He’s still very much a wild card though. I just don’t know who he is yet but I get good vibes.

Next Bachelor:

There really aren’t a lot of options in this group. I feel very strongly that it’s going to be Jordan. I don’t think there are many other guys who would appeal to Bachelor Nation as a whole. My second choice would be Wells but I get a bad boy vibe from him despite his innocent looks. He could be a troublemaker.

Who will Jojo pick?

Right now, I think it’s gonna be Luke but I haven’t gotten that soul mate gut punch yet where I feel it in my solar plexus that two people are meant to be together. Jordan seems like the obvious choice but I do strongly believe he was cast solely to become the next Bachelor and the producers aren’t going to waste him on Jojo. For them, this is about business, not love, so it’s easy enough for them to drive a wedge between two people if they’re getting too close. But I also have to wonder why someone like Jordan would go on this show in the first place. He certainly doesn’t need to if he wants to find love. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Alright, see you guys next week!

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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese.
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.

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