Jojo 2016 Bachelorette
Jojo 2016 Bachelorette
Jojo is Season 12's Bachelorette! ©2016 ABC

Bachelorette 2016 Recap: Episode 1

Mantics (Mansion Antics)

James Taylor: “Jojo’s a 10 out of 10 out of 10 out of 10…”

You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means.

  • Chad is a douche. He has nothing good to say about anyone. He’ll go far.
  • Alex steals Jojo first and is automatically labeled “that guy”. He tries to impress Jojo by doing push-ups while she’s sitting on his ass. When I imagine being cheek-to-cheek with a guy, this isn’t what I envision.
  • Derek: I’m kind of a Nerd
    JoJo: You mean you’re really smart?
    Derek: Not exactly. I just used to look like Harry Potter as a kid.
    Oh, Derek. You smooth talker. :/

Next we see a montage of Jojo sitting down with goofy kilt guy, the story-less firefighter, someone else too generic to remember and over it all we hear Jojo saying how she wants to feel that instant connection that she felt with Ben and she’s not feeling it yet…

…enter Jordan…

Yep. He’s dreamy.

And while Jojo’s imagining this:

Cinderella and Prince Charming

Jordan’s imagining this:

Jordan with Ben's women

What a surprise. Jojo and Jordan have a connection. They’re both hot so it’s not going to be hard for Jordan to make out with Jojo until he can secure the Bachelor gig.

Jojo also finds a connection with James F. (while boxing), Chase, and after an awkward kiss with Will, Jordan swoops in to make the move he was too chicken-sh*t to make during his first conversation with Jojo. It looked kind of like this:

Gross tongue kiss

Jojo is swept off her feet by the kiss… and by his butt.

Chris Harrison drops the first impression rose off on the coffee table in the main living room to force all of the guys to look at it and sweat through their rented tuxes.

Gee. I wonder who’s going to get the first impression rose.

Jordan

I’m sensing a connection between Wells and Jojo. He’s cute but something tells me he’s a playa’.

Chad and Jojo sit down to talk. Jojo is intrigued by something about CHAD that she can’t quite put her finger on…

Oh, I know what it is. It’s that he’s an a**hole and she has a penchant for cheating d-bags named CHAD.

Remember this?

XOXO Chad

Next, Daniel tries to explain his incredibly clever “Damn Jojo” joke that he fired at her out of the limo.

Yeah. He’s a real (t)wit.

It goes without saying that these two are not going to run off into the sunset together but I will enjoy watching Daniel continue to make an ass out of himself for the next couple of weeks until Jojo inevitably kicks him to the curb.

Evan is weirded out when Daniel pokes Evan in the bellybutton. I mean that is a bit strange by most mens’ standards but considering Evan spends his days helping other guys get erections, I was surprised he was as phased by it as he was.

According to James F., Daniel is “White Canadian Wasted”.

muttleylaughing

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Points, James F.!

Daniel proceeds to strip down to his skivvies and jump in the pool for a swim while Robby and Jojo try to focus on getting to know each other and Brandon, the professional hipster, shouts, “Damn Daniel!”

More drunken Mantics:

  • Nick S. stumbles in while Jojo is shooting an ITM
  • Vinny stumbles in next and lets Jojo know he’ll never let her beg for his love on a bathroom floor (like Ben did.)
  • Nick S. and Vinny cheer each other over their mutual successes in accosting Jojo during her ITM
  • Black, bland architect, Jake, is visibly disgusted upon coming across Daniel in his manties in the foyer

More NON-drunken Mantics:

  • Ali, Wolfman, plays Beethoven for Jojo which thoroughly impresses her
  • St. Nick finally removes his beard and he’s actually pretty cute
  • James Taylor giggles like a school girl when he gets alone time with Jojo
  • Luke brought Jojo a pair of cowgirl boots from Texas, their shared home state and continues to sweep her off her feet. They’ve got chemistry off the charts.

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for… Jordan gets the first impression rose.

shock

OMG! I just didn’t see that coming! :I

Chase: “Just remember. Olivia got the first impression rose last season and she got left on an island.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Points, Chase! 😀

But there’s no way Jordan’s getting left on an island. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jojo had them start drafting his fantasy suite invitation the first night.

Rose Ceremony

But wait! Right as things are about to go off without a hitch, another limo pulls up!

Who? Who? Who could it be??? Could it once again be our Nick V.???

Nope. It’s Jake Pavelka 🙁

He ruined my poem. Nothing rhymes with “Pavelka”.

I’m not gonna lie. I had a conniption fit when I saw Jake Pavelka. I hate hate HATE Jake Pavelka and I would have keeled over if he were there to compete for Jojo. Praise be to Allah that he was just there to psych us out. I could not have taken another season of Jake Pavelka.

  1. Luke
  2. Wells
  3. James T.
  4. Grant
  5. Derek
  6. Christian
  7. Chad
  8. Chase
  9. Alex
  10. Robby
  11. Brandon
  12. James F.
  13. Ali
  14. St. Nick
  15. Will
  16. James S.
  17. Vinny
  18. Evan
  19. Daniel (Damn, Daniel!)

So Coley (the guy who wanted to take Jojo off the market), Jonathan (maybe don’t lead with a kilt and the size of the member that’s under it next time), Peter (who basically said nothing until his exit interview), Sal (the guy who gave Jojo his blue balls), Jake (the bland architect), and Nick S. (the least interesting of the drunks) all went home.

The math doesn’t quite add up though. 6 guys went home but 20 guys got roses, including Jordan. Hmmm…

Week 1 Predictions

This is my favorite part! Okay, now I’m going to guess who the final four are, who the next Bachelor is going to be, and who Jojo will pick based solely on one episode and my powers of intuition. (I knocked it out of the park the last two seasons. It’s only when I second-guessed myself that things went awry.) Okay, it’s time…

fortune teller

Final Four:

  1. Jordan (duh)
  2. Luke
  3. James F.
  4. Will be one of the following in descending order of likelihood: Wells, Robby, Nick B. (St. Nick)

I chose Nick B. because despite his ridiculous costume, he’s actually attractive and seems somewhat sane. He’s still very much a wild card though. I just don’t know who he is yet but I get good vibes.

Next Bachelor:

There really aren’t a lot of options in this group. I feel very strongly that it’s going to be Jordan. I don’t think there are many other guys who would appeal to Bachelor Nation as a whole. My second choice would be Wells but I get a bad boy vibe from him despite his innocent looks. He could be a troublemaker.

Who will Jojo pick?

Right now, I think it’s gonna be Luke but I haven’t gotten that soul mate gut punch yet where I feel it in my solar plexus that two people are meant to be together. Jordan seems like the obvious choice but I do strongly believe he was cast solely to become the next Bachelor and the producers aren’t going to waste him on Jojo. For them, this is about business, not love, so it’s easy enough for them to drive a wedge between two people if they’re getting too close. But I also have to wonder why someone like Jordan would go on this show in the first place. He certainly doesn’t need to if he wants to find love. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Alright, see you guys next week!


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Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese.
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IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.

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14 thoughts on “Bachelorette 2016 Recap: Episode 1

  1. “Mantics!” I love it! Very funny recap, Emily.

    Did I imagine it, or did the erectile dysfunction guy mention that he used to be a pastor?? Interesting career move…

    I could be completely wrong this early on, but I get the impression that Jordan is not here “for the right reasons” but rather looking for fame.

    I think your final four are spot on. I was thinking maybe Robby or Wells could be a dark horse. And I actually thought St. Nick B. was funny!

    • Thanks, Melissa!

      Yeah, erectile dysfunction guy used to be a pastor.

      I agree with you about Jordan. But I think he’s going to get a really good edit and become the next Bachelor. I mean how else would they get someone like him to agree to be on the show if they didn’t dangle the possibility of the Bachelor gig in his face? He’s also been doing some press lately about being on the show.

      Nick was cute when he finally took off his beard. I just get really annoyed by the gimmicks the contestants come in with at the beginning of the show so I wrote him off because he was too over-the-top.

      I do enjoy this show for it’s train wreckiness but I’d also like to see a real show about real people trying to find love, you know? And I don’t think gimmicks to get attention would be part of that process.

      Anyway, thanks as always for your comments! 🙂

      • Oh, I usually don’t care for the gimmicks, either. And the whole, “Jo Jo Jo!” thing was annoying. Maybe if Nick had only done it once… What I meant in my comment was, in the brief conversation shown between Nick and Jojo, St. Nick seemed like a cute and funny guy. Time will tell, I suppose! 🙂

        • Well, I’m about to start writing about this week but Nick is definitely not the kook he was on night 1. It was the Jo Jo Jo think that got me too.

          But when she took off his beard the first night, he was really sweet so I put him in the running for final four.

    • Thank you, Jude! It means so much to me to hear that and to be able to entertain people.

      I’m working on feeling better. My illness has been ongoing for about 15 years. I’m going through a real rough patch right now but being able to write and talk to my readers helps take my mind off it.

      Thanks so much for your comment! 🙂

  2. Thank you Emily! I don’t care if it takes a week to get the blog out – you make the wait worth it!

    • Thank you, Caroline! You have no idea how much it means to hear that.

      I’m glad I could entertain you. 🙂

  3. Great Job, Emily! We readers out here in the ether are lucky you even make the effort! But we are SO lucky:) you are super funny, and the gifs and other pictures with captions are hilarious! Looking forward to the rest of the season. I thought St Nick was funny and cute too;) there seemed to be some time that Jo Jo spent on his lap, taking off his beard and laughing with him. Wish we could have seen more of that!
    Pat in Boise

    • Hi, Pat!

      Thanks for your comment! I really appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback.

      I did see a little bit of a connection between St. Nick and Jojo too which is why I put him down as a “maybe” for final 4.

      I think we’ll get to see more of him in the weeks to come. I expect to see a lot more of him on Monday’s episode. That will probably give more of an indication of how far he went in the process. If he stays in the background again, it means he probably went home early.

      I’m glad you enjoyed my recap! And thanks for letting me know where you’re at. I guess my readers are from all over the U.S. but I never know exactly where. Boise in da howse! 😀

  4. Love your recap, Emily! I hope your health is better. I will wait for your recaps as long as it takes, so don’t worry about your fans when you need to take care of yourself.
    Great recap. I am going to give St. Nick another chance, but I seriously got so tired of his ho ho’s of Jo Jo Jo. Annoying. But he seems like a sweet guy, so hopefully no more gimmicks from him:) Can’t wait until next week!

    • Thanks, Kathy!

      My health is an ongoing problem. It’s something I’ve gotta work at every day. This blog is the only thing I really do right now other than take care of myself. Taking care of myself is a full time job!

      I appreciate your patience. 🙂

      I did get tired of the Santa gimmick. If it were my season, I would have told him to get back in the car the second he stepped out of the limo. I have no patience for such nonsense. But I’m pretty sure the Santa act was only for night one and we’ll see the real Nick starting this week.

      Thanks so much for your support! 😀

  5. Yay, the Bachelorette blogs are back! I also hate the gimmicks but for some reason I liked the toast intro, and the wine bottle was cute. I’m liking Luke, Wells and even James Taylor, his singing was decent and it set him apart in a cooler way than sweating all night in a Santa outfit.

    Chad looks so familiar to me, he is cute but definitely seems douchey. A lot of the guys had the same hairdo (beard optional) and tight suit/tan shoes combo. Vinny and his crazy eyes scare me. Daniel is the worst so I’m assuming he is the producer’s pick. I won’t say anything about Jordan as I don’t want to give him any more exposure.

    The Pavelka stunt got me – I thought he was joining the cast. And maybe he would have asked if Jojo hadn’t given such a “don’t you dare” vibe. She was downright fearful. As were we all.

    Hilarious recap as always and love your screen grabs. Sorry you aren’t feeling well, hopefully another installment of the Bachelorette tomorrow night will cheer you up. Are you watching Coupled? It’s kind of like BiP lite. Happy Memorial Day (today is my bday!)

    • Hi, Jennifer.

      Happy Birthday!

      Daniel was definitely a producer pick. They want him around for entertainment purposes.

      I like James Taylor but there’s no way Jojo is going to go for someone like him. He’s too sweet. She needs someone with some edge.

      Thanks for the comment! I always appreciate your feedback! 🙂

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