The ESPN Group Date
The boys on the date show up at a broadcasting studio where Jojo is participating in a broadcast of some sports show. (No. I’m not going to rewind to find out the name of it even though it would probably have required less work than typing this sentence. I DO NOT LIKE NOR CARE ABOUT SPORTS.)
So these two sportscasters whose names I don’t know are going to “power-rank” the guys. I don’t know what that means. I don’t care.
The guys’ task is to do a victory dance on a fake field with a giant fake rose (why?) in round 1 and twirl around until they’re dizzy then try to propose to Jojo in their disoriented state in round 2 (again, why?).
The proposals are all predictably cheesy and not terribly clever.
Chad takes his usual I’m-gonna-stand-out-by-being-unnecessarily-honest-and-douchey stance and refuses to be mushy with a woman he doesn’t know yet. He walks up to her, gets down on one knee, and asks, “Will you marry me?” Then immediately stands up when she says yes and backs away.
The sportscasters are unimpressed. Jojo demands to know what are all the things he loves about her.
Chad: I feel like in that moment you should like already know that and junk.
Jojo: And this is supposed to be the best day of my life and I NEED YOU TO TELL ME!!!!
Chad: You’re starting off a little naggy.
*cough* A**HOLE *cough*
Next comes the interview portion of the power-rankings pageant. All the guys are asked who they think did the worst on the proposal portion of the pageant and shockingly, the only one who doesn’t say Chad is Chad.
Chad’s interview: If you’re gonna ask me all the things I love about yous well I don’t know yous yet and I’m jus’ bedder than all deez guyz ’cause they’re all dumb saps for sayin’ nice things but I’m for realz so I’m gonna be a dick to yous ’cause chicks dig that… blah blah blah.
I’m not going to sit here and say Chad is wrong about none of them knowing Jojo well enough yet to know what they love about her but they went on the show to potentially get engaged to her so they’re gonna have to figure it out real damn fast. If Chad’s strategy to win Jojo’s heart is to be brutally honest and call her names, well, here’s hoping the Bachelor producers decide to leave him on an island in the middle of a hurricane.
Sadly, Jojo isn’t over her penchant for bad boys yet and is unable to gauge whether Chad’s honesty is appropriate or over-the-top. But I have faith she’ll turn it around before hometowns.
The power-rankings are in:
- James Taylor
- Chad (even the sportscasters are taken in by him)
- Alex
Once again, Jordan is not in the lineup. Story of his life 🙁
ESPN Cocktail Party
The cocktail party is held at the Houdini estate. I hope they put Chad in a straitjacket and chains and submerge him in a tank full of water to see if he can escape! 😀
James Taylor gets one-on-one time first because he won the power-rankings. He reads a letter he wrote for her which is very sweet and brings Jojo to tears. She rewards him with several attempts to kiss him but they’re all awkward so she stops. Sorry, James T. You’ve been…
Every guy gets some one-on-one time but we don’t get to hear any of it because it’s all just a montage with Chad’s voiceover on top of it talking about what fakes and losers everyone else is but him. It does appear Jordan and Jojo are still going strong though despite us not getting to see much of their interaction.
And now the moment none us of has been waiting for… Chad and Jojo get some alone time.
Jojo: Today was kind of hectic (Subtext: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?)
Chad: Yeah, it was pretty crazy. (Subtext: I’m awesome.)
Jojo: Everyone was kind of rubbed the wrong way by things that you were saying and in the moment I didn’t know how to feel. (Subtext: I don’t know whether you’re good or evil yet but I currently probably want to sleep with you.)
Chad: You weren’t being mean. You were just jokin’. So I was throwin’ a joke back. (Subtext: I’m awesome.)
Jojo: I can take it (Subtext: How big is it?)
Jojo’s ITM: I’m getting a very honest vibe from Chad but I think he’s overcompensating for something and I don’t know what it is…
Chad tries to redeem himself by waxing pathetic about the death of his mother and the toy-sized dog he inherited from her when she died.
To quote Alex: Chad is THE highest level of d-bag.
A wave of relief washes over me when James Taylor gets the group date rose and not Chad.
Chad can’t figure out what he did to not get the rose.
The Actual Cocktail Party
Chad c*ckblocks all the other guys by accosting Jojo before she even enters the Mansion and offers her a glass of wine. Jojo isn’t impressed much but the guys are unthrilled.
Alex be like:
Chad be like:
And with that, the battle between the guys who aren’t ballsy enough to steal Jojo whenever they want and the guy who is begins.
Chase arranges a mini-date with Jojo complete with snow machine! I think someone’s been watching too much Jane the Virgin.
Things that happened at the cocktail party that I don’t care about:
- Chad ate a lot of meat at the party (*snicker*)
- Miles and Jojo TP’d the Mansion leaving a huge mess for the intern to clean up
- Chad complained some more about how not ready the other guys are for a relationship and how ready he is
- Chad got more time
- The guys got mad that Chad got more time
- The guys confront Chad (as must all guys who are in the not-enough-balls-to- steal- the-lead- whenever- they- want category)
Chad: It was like if the Care Bears surrounded you and told you they were gonna kick your ass.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! This may be the only time I say this but POINTS, CHAD! That Westside Story bit was pretty funny too.
Alex confronts Chad AGAIN. And for the first time, Chad threatens actual violence. He threatens to knock Alex’s teeth out. It seemed like he was drunk though. Whatever. It’s all bluster as usual. I don’t think we’re gonna see a real fight this season despite the promos. But a girl can dream…
The Rose Ceremony
Wells, Derek, and James Taylor already have roses.
- Alex
- Christian
- Robby
- Luke
- Chase
- Jordan
- Grant
- Ali
- Daniel (too soon to break up the villain duo)
- James F.
- Nick
- Vinny (huh?)
- Evan
- Chad (There’s no way he’s going home for at least another 2 or 3 weeks)
James S. (super fan), Brandon (professional hipster), and Miles (I guess TP’ing the Mansion together wasn’t romantic enough for Jojo. Sheesh. What does she expect? Wine and roses? Oh, yeah. That’s exactly what she expects) went home.
No surprises in Jojo’s choices.
So next week there are two episodes. I’m having a very difficult time blogging about one episode per week. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle two. I may not be able to get the 2nd blog out until the Sunday before the 5th episode.
I’ll let you guys know next week what I’m going to do.
Alright, see you next week!
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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:
Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese.
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.
A bird popped on my head on my walk to work so I am literally having a sh*tty day at work. Your post has brightened it up considerably!
1. The GIF of the dog running through the maze made me laugh out loud
2. You should check out Welles twitter. He tweeted a pic of him in his fireman’s helmet and compared it to Spaceballz. And I am on the Welles for Bachelor train!
3. Alex sitting in the big chair with JoJo was cruel of the producers but so funny!
4. Chad can take several seats but he had some good quips.
Thank you again!
Hi Caroline!
I’m sorry about the bird! I’m assuming it pooped on your head and didn’t “pop”. One would be gross, the other much grosser 😛
I’m glad I could help make up for it a little though. That makes me very happy.
I went and checked out Wells’s Twitter. He’s a funny kid. I followed him. The Spaceballs thing was pretty clever!
Yes, it was pretty messed up that they had Alex sitting in that ridiculous chair. It was funny but sometimes I don’t mention things that are clearly set up to get a comical reaction out of me. I’m a rebel! 😛
Chad did have some good quips. If he were less of a jerk, I’d probably like him. But he is the villain and he seems to relish the role so I can’t like him too much. It’s not like Olivia who seemed unwittingly thrust into the role of villain.
I don’t want to advertise it to the whole world so I’ll only mention it to the people following the comments but my bf lives about 5 minutes from the Bachelor Mansion. There was some big event up there today. We’re not sure what it was but there were lots of limos and cars and valet parkers.
We’re considering going up there sometime to look around and see what we can see, my disability allowing.
Anyway, thanks so much for your comment. Your feedback is always appreciated! 🙂
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