Bachelorette 2016 Recap: Episode 3

Bachelorette 2016 Recap: Week 3, Pt. 1

Hi, Bachelor Nation.

I apologize for the delay in getting out my blogs for episodes 3 and 4 of this season’s Bachelorette. It’s been a grueling 12 days for me. I’m hoping I can get week 3, pt. 2 out by Sunday evening.

I rewatched episode 3 and it’s astonishing how little I remembered about what happened. I hope your memories are better than mine or the humor may fall flat.

Before I start, as some of you may know I live in L.A. and am close to many of the shooting locations used by the Bachelor franchise and my boyfriend happens to live about 5 minutes away from the Bachelor mansion. He was called there as part of his job and so now we know the exact location. We want to try to visit sometime when the crew isn’t there. Don’t know if we can make it happen but we may try if we can do it without getting arrested we have time.

Considering where the mansion is and my recognition of date locations, I can tell you that the majority of L.A. dates don’t stray too far from the mansion. For the most part, the whole first part of the show until they fly out of state is shot within 10 minutes driving distance of the mansion which is in Calabasas near Agoura. I may post the address one day if I can convince myself I won’t get in trouble. (Though for all I know, it may already be public knowledge.)

Also, during the course of interacting with some of the crew from the show, my boyfriend learned some insider information about the Bachelor franchise. He met one former crew member who gave him some insight into the contestants on the show. I think many of you have seen the show UnReal which is about a producer who works on a show that bears an uncanny resemblance to The Bachelor. The show was created by a former Bachelor producer and gave us a glimpse into the manipulation of contestants that goes on behind the scenes to get them to do what production wants them to do.

I got the impression from watching UnReal that almost everything on the show is somehow staged and that the contestants aren’t really as wacked out as they seem on TV. But after hearing what this crew member had to say, it seems that many of them are. According to him, the show goes out of its way to recruit nut jobs who will cause drama just by being themselves and only a handful of people are “normal”. So while the producers may push and prod here and there, if this former crew member is to be believed, much of the drama we see is real and some of the contestants really are as horrible as they seem. Who knew?

The crew member says he quit because it was too depressing dealing with the psychos on the show. He’s since moved on to other reality shows.

So that’s all the gossip I’ve got for today. Onto the recap.

Oh! I almost forgot. If you follow me on Twitter, tweet me and let me know and I’ll follow you back. I went through my followers last week and I followed a couple of people who seemed like Bachelor fans.

The Recap

The show starts out with the guys complaining about Chad. What a change of pace. :I

Chad may be a d*ck but he is kind of right about the other guys being on the whiny side. I think this especially true about Evan even though I like him. I wouldn’t be surprised if Evan was all up in Chad’s business far more than was necessary during filming precisely as Chad described.

After the bitch session, Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion to let the guys know there will be two 1-on-1 dates and 1 group date this week/episode.

The first 1-on-1 date card is for Chase from Olivia Newton John: “Let’s Get Physical.”

Here’s some foreshadowing of Chase and Jojo’s date. It was honestly almost as ridiculous as this video:

 

Chad is not happy that Chase got the 1-on-1: Why not me?… We’re killing it together… No one here has what we have!

AND give out this: NAMI Helpline National Alliance for the Mentally Ill 1-800-950-NAMI

Chad, if you’re reading this buddy, CALL.

Next we see a shot of Chris Harrison picking up a piece of toilet paper off the driveway and rolling his eyes in an attempt to convince us that HE’S going to clean up the mess Jojo and Miles created at the previous night’s cocktail party.

Meanwhile, the ABC intern sticks another pin in his Chris Harrison voodoo doll.

Chase’s 1-on-1: “Hot” Yoga

The first yoga pose Jojo and Chase are shown is the “angergasm”.  We get an up the crotch shot of the instructor demonstrating this heretofore unheard of yoga pose: she lays down on the floor, spreads her legs, thrusts her pelvis upward repeatedly, shakes her head from side-to-side, and chants the word “hey” after every turn of her head. The pose ends with her pounding her hands and feet on the ground and screaming to release all her anger.

What I want to know is how stoned and drunk production was when they dreamed that one up because I’ve been to a lot of yoga classes in my time, even “hot” yoga, and not once was I asked to debase myself in such a manner. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we only see incredibly embarrassing yoga poses whenever people go on a yoga date on one of the franchise’s shows. Someone is getting paid big bucks to think this crap up and what’s sad is that it’s never funny.

I feel like the comedy writing team on these shows consists of a mentally slow 10-year-old boy who’s only gag is a whoopee cushion that he uses over and over and over and over and over… and over and over and over… and over and over and over and over… and over and over and over… and over and over and over and over and over… and over and over and over and over and over…and over and over and over and over and over…and over and over and over and over and over…and over and over and over and over and over…and over and over and over and over and over…and over and over and over and over and over…and over and over and over and over and over…and over and over and over and over and over…

…until you want to sock him in the head. But then again, maybe I just need a good angergasm.

Chase and Jojo are unsurprisingly reluctant to attempt this pose but being enslaved to ABC through the end of their no-doubt draconian contracts, both belittle themselves to appease their Bachelor overlords.

Back at the mansion tool-shed, Daniel and Chad are getting their workouts on. Strangely, both men like lifting weights with their asses pointed toward each other. Is this some sort of male bonding ritual I’m unaware of or are they both still trying to figure out who the top is in their relationship?

After Jojo and Chase have both achieved angergasm, they perform a pose we think is called Yab Yum… or Yib Yab. (Okay, I looked it up and Yab-Yum is actually a real tantric yoga pose! Who woulda’ thunk it?)

This pose involves Jojo mounting Chase while he’s sitting Indian-style on the floor and wrapping her legs around him. Hearts, breaths, and groins aligned, the two are forced to stare into each others’ eyes for so long that the only way to break the awkwardness is for them to kiss and try to forget they barely knew each others’ names an hour ago.

Later that night… wait. Do I really need to cover another insipid Bachelor/ette dinner date? It’s the same formula as always: set to somber music, the contestant reveals something personal about themselves that isn’t all that personal and the lead then applauds the contestant’s vulnerability and openness before granting them the date rose.

The personal thing Chase revealed was that his parents divorced when he was young which was painful for him so he decided when he got married, he was going to make sure he took his time and made sure the person he was marrying was the right one… which is why he decided to go on a reality TV show to potentially get engaged to a woman he would likely only spend a total of 48 hours with by the time he put a ring on her finger.

After Jojo rewards Chase with the date rose for his awesome divorce story, they move outside where a man/band named Charles Kelly is playing a private concert for them. Is this person famous? I’m not much of a country fan I’ll admit but the music was super generic. I think James T. might have been more entertaining singing his smash hit “Jo-Jo-Jo-Jo-JO! Jo-Jo-Jo-Jo-JO! Jo-Jo-Jo-Jo-JO!”

Sing it with me, people. I know you know the words.

Sex Talks Group Date (AKA Evan’s Suicide Attempt)

The group date card arrives (“Love Has No Secrets”):

• Jordan
• Grant
• Wells
• James F.
• Christian
• Ali
• Daniel
• Vinny
• Nick
• Evan
• Alex
• Chad

Chad is not happy to be going on a date with 11 other guys. He mentions to the group that he may sit this one out and wait for next week when he’s certain he’ll be getting a one-on-one.

Jordan (to Chad): Do you really think she’d want to spend the whole day with you?

Not quite getting under Chad’s skin as much as he hoped, Jordan starts to enter Chad’s nuclear codes: If it is a competition, whatever team Chad’s on, I hope it’s a bench-pressing competition and not a spelling competition.

ME:

CHAD:

Alex then jumps in the mix as he is want to do. Somebody threatens to take it outside. Alex says he’s not afraid of Chad. Yada yada yada… I’m bored.

After the cockfight in the mansion, all the boys (including Chad) dutifully arrive at a community theater where they are seated and quickly treated to a woman vocalizing an orgasm onstage. I’m still not sure if it was real or fake. If it was real, that’s quite a talent. But everyone is appropriately creeped out by watching it unfold before their eyes.

After the woman “finishes”, another woman “comes” on stage and welcomes the audience to “Sex Talks”, a show where performers get up on stage and talk about their most private sexual encounters. And today’s special guests are Jojo’s guys.

Evan thinks he has the advantage because he’s an erectile dysfunction specialist and he’s used to talking about embarrassing sex stuff.

One of the producers asks Daniel what his favorite bodily fluid is (Why?)

Daniel: Poo is kind of funny.

Yep. It sure is, Daniel, and if you consider it a fluid, you might want to contact your gastroenterologist about your IBS-D. Xifaxin might help.

Chad doesn’t want to tell Jojo about his sexual past. According to him, “she hasn’t earned that.” No, Chad. She doesn’t DESERVE that. No one does.

Evan and Alex conspire to have Evan mock Chad during his sex talk. One of the greatest ideas in the history of great ideas. Relativity pales by comparison. What could possibly go wrong in mocking the sexual prowess of steroid-fueled psychopath who’s twice your size?

Showtime

Grant is up first. He talks about his first sexual encounter which happened in a park. He got caught by the cops. I just would like to say that I, too, have been caught doing dirty deeds in public by the police and not once was I was dragged off and placed in handcuffs. #WhitePrivilege #BlackSexLivesMatter

Nick tells a bizarre tale of how he gave a girl oral sex tracing the letters of the alphabet with his tongue. I wonder if she finished before Z.

Ali made out with a girl with a mustache. So… his sister?

Daniel tied up a girl and while she was tied up, he felt the urge to cut off a lock of her hair.

Finally, it’s Evan’s turn. He begins his speech by talking about the dangers of taking steroids and its effects on the male genitalia. He mentions that some of the guys in the house seem like they might be suffering the negative side effects of taking steroids such as irritability and calling the girl you’re dating “naggy”.

The look on Chad’s face could pulverize rock. I think if it were only Chad and Evan in that room alone, Evan would never have been heard from again.

Chad is last and he and Evan are sitting in the same row. As Evan tries to pass Chad to get to his seat, Chad grabs Evan by the back of his shirt and yanks him back.

Evan was not hurt in this incident but in my mind, Chad crossed the line. He laid his hands on another contestant in anger and as soon as the producers saw that, they should have kicked his ass off the show. That is physical assault and it’s a crime. It really speaks to the low moral character of this franchise that they would allow Chad to stay after knowing he was a clear danger to the other contestants simply to suck all the drama from the situation that they could. As if there wasn’t enough already to speak to the low moral character of this franchise already.

I think you’ve all seen episode 4 by now and know that Jojo gives Chad the boot but the producers shouldn’t have waited that long. And what’s worse, I think Chad is going to be on BIP this summer. ABC just gives zero f*cks about the cast members of their reality shows.

But I digress. It’s Chad’s turn to give his sex talk.

Chad asks for Jojo to come down and volunteer. He tells her he doesn’t want to talk about their sexual pasts and goes in for a kiss. Jojo turns her face and Chad gets her cheek. The other boys erupt into cheers at this public dismissal of Chad’s ardor. As Jojo leaves the stage, Chad throws the microphone on the floor.

Their performances over, all the men go back stage. Chad bloodies his hand when he punches the stage door in anger.

Seriously, WTF were the producers thinking by not pulling him then and there? And not that I’m a fan of Chad, but why the hell didn’t anyone on the crew call for first aid? He could have broken his hand and no one said boo.

Instead, they let him go after Evan right after he had punched the door. Luckily, Chad only mildly pushes Evan but it could have been so much worse.

Evan insists his comments were just a joke but let’s get real. Alex and Evan concocted the plan to mock Chad in front of Jojo to try to force him into showing his true colors. It wasn’t all in good fun. That doesn’t mean Evan deserved to be attacked but he wasn’t a complete innocent. He picked a fight and he got one.

Sex Talks Cocktail Party

Jordan and Jojo reconnect. Jordan says all the right things to keep Jojo interested. He’ll be getting a one-on-one soon.

Jojo tries to talk to Nick but Chad interrupts them right as they’re about to sit down. Jojo sends Chad away but instead of going away, he goes around the corner and starts whistling loudly to make his presence known. Jojo and Nick move locations to get away from him.

CHAD:

Okay, Chad. Whatever you say.

Back at the mansion, the second one-on-one arrives.

James T. – “Let’s kick it old school.”

As if James T. could kick it new school. Is it just me or does he seem like the guy working the counter at a 1950s malt shop?

Luke is disappointed he didn’t get the one-on-one. Don’t worry, buddy. James T. is going to try to learn how to swing dance with two left feet and fight to get out of the friend zone tomorrow but the day after you get to make out with Jojo in a hot tub. Oh. I guess I should have said spoiler alert.

Oh, wow. This Sex Talks cocktail party is still not over. Alright. Time for a new page.

Next: The Group Date Ends, James Taylor’s Swingin’ One-on-One, and More Chad

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