Bachelorette 2016 Recap: Episode 3

Chad in his ITM as he and Jojo are about to have some one-on-one time: I’m giving her a breather [from the other guys]. You’re welcome. I’m here.

Jojo confronts Chad about his altercation with Evan. Chad insists that Evan pushed him. Jojo’s not buying it because she wasn’t born yesterday.

Evan interrupts them and steals Jojo away.

Chad stumbles away, obviously drunk. But even drunk he managed to mumble under his breath that Evan was Gary Oldman from The Fifth Element. He may be a douche but the boy’s got wit.

Evan gives Jojo and ultimatum that if Chad stays, he’s gonna leave.

After they return to the cocktail party, Jojo grabs the rose and says before she can hand it out, she needs to talk to Evan alone.

Of course, we’re all thinking he’s going to get the boot because he gave her an ultimatum and she starts in with the typical “you’re such a great guy” speech, but she flips the script and offers Evan the rose. Psych!

I think we all know Evan and Jojo aren’t going to end up together so giving him the rose was probably a production decision to keep the drama going between Chad and Evan. And what better way to get Evan to back down from his ultimatum than for Jojo to single him out for special attention and give him the rose? The poor guy thinks he has a chance.

Evan: I feel like my kids are going to be so proud of me.

Why would your kids be proud of you??? Daddy got an inch closer to getting laid?

When Evan returns with the rose, Chad’s face says he thinks he’s just entered The Twilight Zone.

Chad (out loud. Yes, OUT LOUD): Is this real? Is this a real scenario? Are you seriously vibing this guy right now?

Poor Chad. He doesn’t know he’s getting mind-f*cked right now by producers. Like they didn’t know he was gonna lose his sh*t if Evan got the rose.

Jojo: You’re being rude and I don’t like this side of you.

The group disbands but Chad is dumbfounded: No girl on Planet Earth chooses Evan for anything!

Uh… yeah, except he has three kids. So obviously some girl chose Evan for something at least three times and given that we didn’t get to hear a “sex talk” from Chad and his testicles are probably the size of raisins from steroid use, we can’t be sure that any girl on planet Earth actually chose Chad for anything.

Finally, that debacle is over. Onto the next one.

Fort Bachelor

I sometimes wonder just how stupid Bachelor producers think we are.

The day after the cocktail party, Derek, Chad’s roommate claims to have not felt safe sleeping in the same room with Chad. And instead of dealing with the risk Chad poses, they hire a rent-a-cop to walk around the mansion the tool shed Super Max, to make sure no one gets hurt.

Are you f*cking kidding me? Just NO. Either Chad is a serious threat in which case the producers should kick him to the curb or they’re making him seem like he’s a threat by hiring a security guard to roam the grounds to increase the sense of drama on the show. Or the third option is that he is a serious threat but they want more drama out of him so they put a security guard on patrol to make it seem to the other guys (and us) that they’re taking the threat seriously.

Whatever the case, the producers underestimate the intelligence of their viewers. We may enjoy watching a good train wreck and getting wrapped up in the occasional love story that rises from its ashes but we are not morons.

Old School Date

I’m going to cover this real fast because it was boring and while James Taylor may be sweet, he’s not going to go the distance.

Jojo and James Taylor learn to swing dance, they try out their skills with a bunch of professional swing dancers who just happen to show up right outside the dance studio, they have dinner(?) in an old timey convertible overlooking downtown L.A., James whips out his guitar and sings a mediocre love song for Jojo, James fails to get out of the friend zone when Jojo repeatedly refuses to admit his tongue into her mouth (yes, they kissed but he didn’t breach the tongue barrier), and Jojo tries to convince us he really has a shot because he’s a gentleman and he says sappy things that make her cry and “feel things”.

Daniel Develops the Evil Dictator Scale

One of the most entertaining exchanges I’ve ever seen on any of the Bachelor shows is when Daniel tries to get Chad to tone down his level of evil because it’s making Daniel look bad.

Daniel: Let’s pretend you’re Hitler. If I’m friends with you…

Chad: Let’s NOT pretend I’m Hitler.

Daniel: Okay. Let’s say you’re Trump then. If I hang out with you, it’s gonna make me look bad. Be like Mussolini or Bush.

I’m not gonna lie. As a commie liberal, I found this exchange enormously entertaining despite the fact that I think it’s ridiculous to compare anyone who hasn’t committed genocide to Hitler.

But let’s review the top 4 evil individuals in the world according to Daniel:

So just remember, kids. If your bff is being a dick, tell him or her to be less of a Hitler and more of a Bush so you don’t have to be embarrassed to hang out with them.

The next morning, Chris Harrison arrives to let the guys know there’s not going to be a cocktail party.

*sad faces*

There’s going to be a pool party instead!

*happy faces!!!*

Except Chad (of course): I don’t want any of these other guys to see Jojo in her bikini.

As if there weren’t enough red flags from this joker already. Don’t marry him Jojo or this will be your future:

Just to be clear that’s a woman wearing a burqa not Cousin It’s cousin.

As Chris Harrison is leaving, Evan runs after him to tattle on Chad. Evan tells Chris about how Chad ripped his shirt and about how they now have a security guard because of Chad. Chris assures Evan that he and the show take this very seriously… which is why they hired a rent-a-cop.

Does this seem as backward to me as it does to you all? Obviously, the show already knows about Chad which is why they hired the security guard. But then Evan goes to Chris Harrison as if he has some special power that the producers don’t have. Does he think Chris has more power or was he told to complain to Chris so someone from the show could pull Chad aside on camera since producers rarely appear on camera?

So Chris pulls Chad aside and when he does, he basically tells him to go apologize like he’s six years old.

Chad pretends like he’s cool with that but then says this in an ITM: I’m gonna cut everyone’s arms off and legs off and I’m gonna throw them in the pool and there’s gonna be torsos…

So a producer sat there and recorded Chad saying that. Producers saw him punch the stage door on the date. Producers saw him grab Evan by the shirt during the Sex Talks show and then push him after the performances were over.

It’s clear he can be violent and poses a risk to the cast and crew but how much of a risk is very unclear. We know he gets the boot in the 4th episode but the producers let him return to cause more chaos in the house before he leaves.

Seriously, Bachelor Producers, what the f*cking f*ck? Why should any of us be afraid of this meat head if you aren’t?

Okay, that’s a wrap for me guys. I’m going to try to write up the third episode this weekend but this took me 8 hours so I’m not sure I’ll have time.

Talk to you soon. Thanks for reading!

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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese.
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.

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