Alex's hair has a mind of its own
Alex's hair has a mind of its own
Alex's hair is the star of Episode 5 ©2016 ABC

Bachelorette 2016 Recap: Episode 5

Robby’s One-on-One

Jojo and Robby go on a tour of Punta Del Este. If you lose the “n”, that translates to “whore of the east”. And that’s about the most interesting part of the date.

After bumming around the local shops, they go to a rock outcropping near the ocean and jump in the water. This seems to happen on every season of every show in this franchise. This is where I am reminded that Robby is a former Olympic swimmer and that yet another date has been tailored to a specific contestant’s occupation. I think that’s four this season.

Somehow, despite this allegedly spur of the moment decision to jump off this giant rock into the water, they both are equipped with matching water shoes when they jump off the rock. See exhibit A:

water_shoes
©2016 ABC

That night at dinner, Robby gives a PSA about the dangers of texting and driving in his obligatory first date sob story. His best friend died a year earlier after he was texting his girlfriend and drove off a bridge. Seriously though, don’t text and drive. I learned the easy way by driving into a curb at 5mph and losing a hubcap. A lot of people aren’t so lucky.

Since his friend’s death, Robby has a carpe diem attitude so he makes an ass out of himself by telling Jojo that he loves her. Don’t let her kind reception fool you. No woman with any sense would consider that anything short of creepy and psychotic. He’s definitely getting kicked to the curb. It’s only a matter of time.

Cocktail Party #2

Before Jojo shows up, Derek pulls Alex, Chase, Robby, and Jordan aside to confront them about ganging up on him about his pity rose. Somebody call a whaaaambulance.

I seriously don’t know what Derek is talking about. Yeah, Alex can be a bit of a shit sometimes but the other guys, I just don’t see it. I think he’s being a big baby and it was pretty inconsiderate to pull the guys aside right before they expected Jojo to show up even though she ultimately didn’t.

Chris Harrison announces there will be no cocktail party.

Rose Ceremony #2

Jordan, Derek, and Robby all have roses already.

  1. Luke
  2. Chase
  3. Alex
  4. James
  5. Wells

Vinny, Evan, and Grant go home.

So there are eight guys left now. And one of the things that I’ve been looking at is Jojo’s relationship with Wells. He keeps making the cut even though he doesn’t seem to have much of a relationship with her. Up to this point, I don’t think I’ve even seen them have quality one-on-one time let alone seen them kiss. But I’m almost certain he’s going to be the next Bachelor because I don’t know who else could be other than Jordan. However, if you look at the preview for next week, it looks like Jordan is going to start getting attacked by the other guys which means he may end up the mid-season or ultimate villain.

That doesn’t bode well for Jordan’s chances of becoming the next Bachelor. I can’t remember a Bachelor who wasn’t universally liked by the other guys on his season. If you look at the people who are left, there really aren’t that many options for next season’s Bachelor. You need someone who’s manly yet sensitive, very good looking, and charismatic.

So who does that leave us with? Basically the only guy who I think would be universally liked by the other guys and who we like as viewers is James Taylor. But there’s no way 25 hot young women are going to compete to marry James Taylor. He’s too sensitive and, frankly, not very attractive.

Jordan seems to be the whole package but there’s no way he’s going to be the next Bachelor if they throw him under the bus in the next few weeks.

Wells is almost the whole package but he needs to get to the final four in order to have a shot. He’s not exactly built like the typical Bachelor but he’s very cute and very witty and I think a lot of girls would go for him.

Fortunately, from the previews for next week I saw a back shot of Wells’ head kissing Jojo in a hot tub. I know it was just the back of his head but nobody else has hair like that and a head shape like that and I watched it back four times. I’m almost positive that Wells is getting a one-on-one this week (i.e. tomorrow/today depending on your time zone) and he’s finally going to break out of the friend zone with Jojo which will put him in a good position to go to hometowns.

I don’t know what Jojo was thinking in letting James F. go. He’s a decent guy, he’s very good-looking, he has a good head on his shoulders, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but his voice is sexy as sin. I can’t believe he she blew him off for Chase or Derek or Robby. Hopefully, we’ll see him in Paradise.

Another big thing to talk about is the fact that Jojo appears to have chosen someone who doesn’t love her back in the finale. I think this is just another manipulative tease. I think the guy she’s talking to in the tease is her runner-up. I don’t know how he’s going to betray her but I don’t think Jojo is going to walk away from this season alone.

And, finally, it was good to see that Luke has a funny side when he was talking about his man boobs in the clip at the end of the show. It would be boring if he was was just a brooding Edward Cullen type all the time.

All right guys, thanks for reading. I really do genuinely appreciate all of you for taking the time to read my blog. Hopefully, I will be able to continue writing for you.

I’ll cover the next episode soon.


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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese.
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.

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