Alex's hair has a mind of its own
Alex's hair has a mind of its own
Alex's hair is the star of Episode 5 ©2016 ABC

Bachelorette 2016 Recap: Episode 5

Robby’s One-on-One

Jojo and Robby go on a tour of Punta Del Este. If you lose the “n”, that translates to “whore of the east”. And that’s about the most interesting part of the date.

After bumming around the local shops, they go to a rock outcropping near the ocean and jump in the water. This seems to happen on every season of every show in this franchise. This is where I am reminded that Robby is a former Olympic swimmer and that yet another date has been tailored to a specific contestant’s occupation. I think that’s four this season.

Somehow, despite this allegedly spur of the moment decision to jump off this giant rock into the water, they both are equipped with matching water shoes when they jump off the rock. See exhibit A:

©2016 ABC

That night at dinner, Robby gives a PSA about the dangers of texting and driving in his obligatory first date sob story. His best friend died a year earlier after he was texting his girlfriend and drove off a bridge. Seriously though, don’t text and drive. I learned the easy way by driving into a curb at 5mph and losing a hubcap. A lot of people aren’t so lucky.

Since his friend’s death, Robby has a carpe diem attitude so he makes an ass out of himself by telling Jojo that he loves her. Don’t let her kind reception fool you. No woman with any sense would consider that anything short of creepy and psychotic. He’s definitely getting kicked to the curb. It’s only a matter of time.

Cocktail Party #2

Before Jojo shows up, Derek pulls Alex, Chase, Robby, and Jordan aside to confront them about ganging up on him about his pity rose. Somebody call a whaaaambulance.

I seriously don’t know what Derek is talking about. Yeah, Alex can be a bit of a shit sometimes but the other guys, I just don’t see it. I think he’s being a big baby and it was pretty inconsiderate to pull the guys aside right before they expected Jojo to show up even though she ultimately didn’t.

Chris Harrison announces there will be no cocktail party.

Rose Ceremony #2

Jordan, Derek, and Robby all have roses already.

  1. Luke
  2. Chase
  3. Alex
  4. James
  5. Wells

Vinny, Evan, and Grant go home.

So there are eight guys left now. And one of the things that I’ve been looking at is Jojo’s relationship with Wells. He keeps making the cut even though he doesn’t seem to have much of a relationship with her. Up to this point, I don’t think I’ve even seen them have quality one-on-one time let alone seen them kiss. But I’m almost certain he’s going to be the next Bachelor because I don’t know who else could be other than Jordan. However, if you look at the preview for next week, it looks like Jordan is going to start getting attacked by the other guys which means he may end up the mid-season or ultimate villain.

That doesn’t bode well for Jordan’s chances of becoming the next Bachelor. I can’t remember a Bachelor who wasn’t universally liked by the other guys on his season. If you look at the people who are left, there really aren’t that many options for next season’s Bachelor. You need someone who’s manly yet sensitive, very good looking, and charismatic.

So who does that leave us with? Basically the only guy who I think would be universally liked by the other guys and who we like as viewers is James Taylor. But there’s no way 25 hot young women are going to compete to marry James Taylor. He’s too sensitive and, frankly, not very attractive.

Jordan seems to be the whole package but there’s no way he’s going to be the next Bachelor if they throw him under the bus in the next few weeks.

Wells is almost the whole package but he needs to get to the final four in order to have a shot. He’s not exactly built like the typical Bachelor but he’s very cute and very witty and I think a lot of girls would go for him.

Fortunately, from the previews for next week I saw a back shot of Wells’ head kissing Jojo in a hot tub. I know it was just the back of his head but nobody else has hair like that and a head shape like that and I watched it back four times. I’m almost positive that Wells is getting a one-on-one this week (i.e. tomorrow/today depending on your time zone) and he’s finally going to break out of the friend zone with Jojo which will put him in a good position to go to hometowns.

I don’t know what Jojo was thinking in letting James F. go. He’s a decent guy, he’s very good-looking, he has a good head on his shoulders, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but his voice is sexy as sin. I can’t believe he she blew him off for Chase or Derek or Robby. Hopefully, we’ll see him in Paradise.

Another big thing to talk about is the fact that Jojo appears to have chosen someone who doesn’t love her back in the finale. I think this is just another manipulative tease. I think the guy she’s talking to in the tease is her runner-up. I don’t know how he’s going to betray her but I don’t think Jojo is going to walk away from this season alone.

And, finally, it was good to see that Luke has a funny side when he was talking about his man boobs in the clip at the end of the show. It would be boring if he was was just a brooding Edward Cullen type all the time.

All right guys, thanks for reading. I really do genuinely appreciate all of you for taking the time to read my blog. Hopefully, I will be able to continue writing for you.

I’ll cover the next episode soon.

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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese. – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap. – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows. – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.


30 thoughts on “Bachelorette 2016 Recap: Episode 5

  1. Hi Emily!

    I read about 20+ different recaps of this silly show (is that good or bad?), and yours is one of my favorites. Some are posted within a few hours; others, after a few days.

    My advice to you is this: KEEP WRITING! It’s good for your psyche. Most other blogs I read don’t incorporate graphics or screen shots (this may be where you’re getting bogged down). Finding the right image can be so time-consuming, and it may not be worth it given your health status.

    What I enjoy about a great recap is humor and wit, and you have both. Your readers don’t need “bells and whistles” if you’re lacking the energy, we merely appreciate your commentary.

    • Thank you, Marla.

      The images do take up a lot of my time. I will consider cutting down on them. When I first started blogging, I was only creating the feature image at the top of the article. I just find that it makes a long article more readable if there are pictures to break up the text but I maybe don’t need to put in so many.

      Thank you very much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. 😀

  2. Hi Emily,
    I agree with Marla! Your recaps are my absolute favorite! This recap made me laugh so hard I cried. 🙂
    I’d encourage you to keep writing, but your health is always a priority, so make sure you take care of yourself first and then your readers!

    • Thank you, Megan. I’m really glad you enjoy my recaps. I hope I can keep writing them. It does help my mood to do something other than lie in bed and watch TV.

      I am trying to take care of myself. I have a laundry list of physical issues that are contributing to my lack of functioning. But I also want to connect with the world and this show seems to be a good way for me to do that.

      I may skip out on doing BIP this summer because I really don’t like it that much. Without the competition aspect, it’s just a train wreck. I like my train wrecks with something to sink my teeth into which I get to do with the Bachelor and Bachelorette because it’s almost a sport.

      Thank you so much for your feedback and support. Episode 6 recap is in the works. 🙂

  3. So sorry to hear about how challenging it is to write this blog while suffering from poor health! I can well believe it. Your recaps DO bring us joy, but I think we can all understand if it becomes too much.

    Is it just me, or is this season by far the most contrived?? I know they all are… but it just seems really obvious this time around. The fake drama with the tabloid was utterly ridiculous and I feel insulted by the producers. (Also, I didn’t think about it before, but you are totally right that they had to keep Vinny around long enough for that little stunt, as well as keep Daniel around only until they didn’t need him as the villain’s side-kick any longer.)

    By the way, I really like Wells and I have from the first. I’m pretty positive Jojo won’t pick him, but I would. (So far.) :-)

    • Hey, Melissa.

      I was talking about you when I said “Melissa B”. I don’t know why I thought your last name started with a B.

      I still haven’t decided what to do. I’m a perfectionist when it comes to my writing and it gets in the way of me being productive. I may skip out on BIP. I don’t really like that show very much. It’s really hard to sit through let alone write about.

      This season does feel very contrived. They made their villain too villainous and had to boot him from the show early because of it and now we have to endure the contrived drama which is annoying.

      I like Wells a lot too but he’s gone now. I didn’t think Jojo would pick him either but I thought he’d be in the running for the Bachelor. Coming in 7th or 8th place generally doesn’t make someone a contender for the lead. I think he was too smart for the show and got tired of it so he might have been in the running when the show started but after dealing with him, the producers probably realized he wasn’t right for the role.

      It also didn’t help that he waited so long to kiss Jojo. But you never know what will happen. Bachelor Nation may revolt over any of the six remaining guys being the lead and Wells could make a comeback.

      I don’t think I’d pick anyone else. I like Luke but he’s an introvert and I’m an introvert and that just doesn’t work for me.

      I’d be game for a Luke season though. I’d watch a Jordan season too but I think a lot of us aren’t buying his good guy act.

      Thank you for your comments and continued support. I really appreciate it! 😀

  4. I’m embarrassed to admit to how many Bachelor/Bachelorette recaps I read (I’m also embarrassed to admit that I never can remember if embarrass has two r’s and two s’s)….but yours is always one of the best! As usual, this recap was worth the wait 🙂

    And I agree with everything you said about the “sand date”. Terrible idea. Just terrible.

    • Haha. Don’t be embarrassed. I read all of the blogs that I link to at the end of my posts except for Reality Steve because he spoils the show. I read him once the season has ended.

      Two R’s, two S’s. Just remember that. The only reason I know is because I have spellcheck turned on in my browser but I get mixed up all the time.

      I’m glad you like my blog so much. I really try to make it entertaining for people.

      The sand date was very lame. It was dangerous and yet I was completely bored. I would never strap a board to my feet like that. I’m bad enough on skis. (I tried it once when I was 11. It took me 30 minutes to work up the courage to go down hill and when I finally went for it, I skied two feet and then fell and twisted my ankle. I won’t be going to the Olympics in this lifetime.)

      Thank you for your feedback! I really appreciate it. 😀

  5. I want to second all Marla’s comments. Everything she said. Up to this point I don’t believe I ever commented, but I’ve been a subscriber ever since I discovered you and I LOVE your recaps (and they are completely worth the wait!) I enjoy reading the recaps as much (or more) than the show itself. I should have let you know earlier how much I appreciate and look forward to your recaps. You should know that I always get the giggles when I read your recaps. They are truly funny, clever, and insightful. I hope you are able to continue to do them because I would be pretty sad if you had to stop. (But your health comes first, of course.) Thank you for all the effort you go through to produce such a great “product”!

    • Thank you, Michele.

      I’m glad I make the show more enjoyable for you. I’m really flattered that you I’m able to make you laugh.

      I will try to continue to do recaps. I’m going through a rough patch right now but hopefully I’ll be able to turn it around.

      Thanks for your feedback and support! 😀

  6. Ten points for you. That was hysterical. Totally loved the dwarf reference with Chad. Sorry to hear you haven’t been feeling well. I hope you feel appreciated and lots of love coming your way. I hope you can keep the posts coming but if you can’t, well then I hope you find an activity that will keep you active but not exhausted.

    • Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed the blog!

      I do feel lots of love. So many people have come out to support me this week and it really makes me feel like what I do is valuable.

      Finding activities that keep me active but not exhausted is tough but I keep trying. I wish I could make writing about the show not exhausting. It’s just time-consuming and I dread it but it makes me happy once I finally publish. If I could just make it take less time, it’d be fine.

      Thank you for your comment and support! 🙂

  7. Hi Emily. I never post comments on anything, but I want you to know that I love your blog and appreciate the time and effort you put into them. I look forward to them every week. I’m so sorry about your health issues.

    • Hi, Ellen.

      I thank you for taking time out to comment on my blog. A lot of writers don’t get paid for what they do and the only joy they get out of it is being able to entertain or educate people.

      I’m glad you enjoy my blog. I really appreciate your comment and your support. 🙂

  8. Chad’s dwarf name…! So funny:) I like Wells so much and would love to see him either with Jo Jo or as the next Bachelor! He may have to put on 20 lbs but otherwise perfect. As for your recaps, you do go above and beyond, and we slobs out in blog land are merely skating by, making NO effort at all! Just saying, “feed me”! So you do what you need to, pare it down… Only give us the jokes that occur to you, not the running play by play. We will still enjoy it so much! You are very talented and I for one would love to see you continue but in a format that doesn’t sap your strength:)
    Pat in Boise

    • Hi, Pat in Boise!

      I really appreciate your feedback. I do try to pare down what I write but it’s hard for me to figure out what’s important and what isn’t. I guess if I were more experienced I’d be able to be more concise but I’m known for being prolific. My Facebook friends get tired of it sometimes because I write essays rather than comments!

      Thank you so much for your continued support! I really appreciate it. 🙂

  9. Emily: I want you to know that I (& several others it seems) enjoy reading your recaps and appreciate the time you put into them. (And thanks for the special shout-out!) They are hilarious, especially the images you add. I also write recaps and it used to take upwards of 7 hours to write them, with the screen grabs, etc. I have gotten it down to around 4 hours, which doesn’t include the time it takes to watch the show and take notes and pictures. The past 2 weeks I have received 0 comments while other shows on the same site have received a ton. It makes me feel as though no one is reading my stuff – even though I know only a few readers will comment (I don’t know how to check the site stats to see how many are even reading my recaps). It is becoming disheartening since it does take up a lot of time each week, and I get excited after I post. Granted, this show isn’t as popular as Bachelorette but still, zero comments for 2 weeks in a row? Sad.

    This season seems extra contrived (and no, it’s not because of UnReal). I thought the barbershop was hilarious and can’t image the guys being “mad” that Jojo may have gone back to her ex or expressed an interest in getting famous. You can’t tell me that the guys are there for Jojo when they most likely didn’t know it would be her until after they accepted the gig. I love Wells and James T, though neither of them are right for Jojo (she seems like she’d eat them for b’fast). I’d love to see Wells as the next Bach but it will probably be Chase or Robby. Zzzzz

    BTW: Alex is the worst! He is the one who got a “sympathy rose” on his 2-on-1. I can’t wait to see him kicked to the curb.

    I hope you are feeling better. Enjoy tonight’s episode.


    • Hi, Jennifer.

      I remember you posted a link to your blog a while ago. I can’t remember what show you cover but I remember it was a show I don’t watch. You write for an online magazine, don’t you? If you aren’t in control of the site, you can’t check your stats. I’m a web developer so I built the site and run it as well as write. You’d have to move to a WordPress site to be able to see your stats.

      I can imagine that it’s hard to keep writing and not get any feedback, especially if you aren’t being paid. Send me the link again so I can check out your blog. You can post it in a comment on the next recap or email it to me. I can link to you and maybe you’ll get more traffic. Most readers don’t comment so it’s hard to know in your situation if anyone is even reading what you write. If you want to contribute a small blurb to my blog about this show, I’m open to that too. I know you like the franchise but maybe don’t want to create a whole blog about it.

      I don’t want to watch Chase or Robby either. I can’t even believe they’ve gotten as far as they have. I think Robby’s rush to drop the L-bomb will disqualify him.

      Aside from Luke and Jordan, all these guys seem like total weaklings.

      And I agree with you about Alex. He’s obnoxious.

      Thank you so much for your continued commentary and support. I really appreciate it. 🙂

  10. Thanks for all you do, Emily! I really love reading your recaps. They are hilarious and I love your use of images and .gifs. I completely understand if your health won’t allow it, but I wanted to let you know how appreciated your efforts are!

    I LOVE Wells but I’m concerned that Jojo is not feeling him. What do you think of Luke as the next Bachelor? He’s kind of where I’m leaning right now. Not that I love him (though, like you, I really enjoyed the insight on his possible sense of humor at the credits), but he’s not really involved in any drama and seems like a decently nice guy. I also agree that I think he’s just too serious for my own personal tastes, but he’s also pretty good looking. I think he might have a shot.

    • Thank you, Kate! I really appreciate the feedback.

      Well, I guess we know now how Jojo is feeling about Wells. She’s not.

      I would like to see Luke as the next Bachelor but I think Jojo is going to choose him. If she doesn’t, I’m totally down to see him as the next Bachelor.

      I don’t know how serious he is. I think he comes across that way but if you ever met me in person, you’d think I was super serious too. It’s an introvert problem. I don’t talk to anyone when I leave the house and avoid human contact at all costs. I also have a pretty severe case of resting b*tch face.

      So he could be a barrel of laughs once you get to know him. I think that one incident where he was talking about his man boobs was really telling to who he is. He came across much less brooding and made me rethink his seriousness. Maybe he’s just really laid-back.

      Thank you so much for your comments and support! 😀

  11. This was a great recap Emily! The episode itself was unbelievably contrived with the whole barbershop tabloid situation. You are so right on about those ABC producers. I also agree with your thoughts on the guys. This is not one of the better bunches of bachelors for sure. I find myself feeling bad for Jo Jo. Unless things change quickly she seems to have the most chemistry with Luke and Jordan but there’s something about Jordan that just isn’t genuine. I’m officially scared of Robby too! Oh my goodness – Alex and his hair was too much. Everytime he speaks I like him less. Wells has so many great qualities. James T is probably a great guy but I just don’t see him with Jo Jo. Loved all your picture inserts and the references to the seven dwarfs. So funny! Your reader comments are wonderful too – all interesting and insightful. I’m so sorry about your health struggles and I truly wish you the best. Hopefully you will continue to get positive feedback from your many fans and feel well enough to write when you can. Take care.

    • Hi, Julie.

      Thank you for your comments. I pretty much agree with everything you said about the show. I like James T. too but I don’t see him with Jojo and I really don’t want to see him as The Bachelor. Alex is just ridiculous and kind of mean.

      I’m glad my recaps entertain you. That’s my goal. Thank you so much for your comments and support! 😀

  12. Emily — you are my first! Well, my first Bachelor Blog ever. PLZ don’t stop! I do understand health issues interference. I have a few myself! PlZ don’t quit. It’s OK if yours take longer. While we seem to have different taste in men, i find we have a similar sense of humor! hang in there, sweetie!

    • Hi, Wen.

      You are so sweet. I really appreciate your feedback. I’m sorry to hear about your health issues. It seems to be an epidemic with women in this country.

      I’ll try very hard not to quit. I don’t want to. The process is very challenging but it makes me feel good to be able to write and to reach out to people.

      I love super smart/nerdy guys who are a little bit on the feminine/emotional side and I don’t care much about looks so you’re not the first person to think “Really?” when I say I like a guy. Their looks aren’t even something that occurs to me until they speak.

      Thank you so much for your feedback and support! 🙂

  13. I am sorry that you feel like you aren’t getting a ton of support. You really are, trust me! I read every time your post pops up in my inbox, and I enjoy every silly, GIFy second of it. I am terrible about commenting, because usually by the time I get to sit down and actually read anything on the computer, it is almost midnight. No excuse! I will do better! Please keep it up, as long as you love it, and hopefully we silent supporters will become a bit more vocal!!!

    • Hey, Jaime.

      It’s hit or miss whether I feel like I’m getting support. I haven’t lately because I publish so late that people aren’t really thinking about the episode anymore. I think I got one comment each on the last two blogs before this one.

      It’s just hard because the most important thing I get out of this is my connection to you guys and being able to entertain you. I really wanted to write about the show when I first started because I read a lot of other blogs and thought I could do it too.

      I just didn’t realize how much work it would be and how hard it would be to meet the deadline of getting the blogs out at least before the next episode. There are some days when I just don’t have the energy to get out of bed let alone write.

      But I keep on trying because I’ve been sick for 15 years and it just keeps getting harder. I have to find things to keep me going and this is one of them. I just have to weigh the time it takes versus the payoff. I can’t let myself get sicker.

      Thank you very much for taking the time to write me. I really appreciate it. 🙂

      • If it takes the place of taking care of yourself, making sure that you are okay, I completely understand. But I will say this…. You got some pretty amazing love on this post! That is a darn good thing…. I hope it made you smile, at least a little!

        • Hi, Jaime.

          Yes, I agree that I got some pretty amazing love on this post and I’m grateful for it. It really helped motivate me to keep going.

          It did make me smile and cry happy tears.

          Thanks so much for your feedback and support! 🙂

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