Bachelorette 2016 Recap: Episode 7

Jordan’s One-on-One

“Jordan, let’s toast to love.”

Jordan and Jojo go to a vineyard to make wine I-Love-Lucy style.

After 2 minutes of not-so-vigorous stomping, Jojo and Jordan decide to drink some of their “wine” which is really just chunky grape juice and toe jam. Mmmm… I wonder what their sommelier is going to pair that with at dinner.

Back at the hotel, the date card arrives: “Chase, James, Robby, Let our love soar.”

On the nighttime portion of Jojo and Jordan’s date, we find out that Jordan is estranged from his famous brother and according to him, they barely have a relationship. Jordan says he’s “SO” in love with Jojo after assuring her yet again that he’s definitely not entitled even though every obstacle he lists that he’s overcome in his life to become the man he is, is a first world problem.

The Group Date

Due to rain, nobody is going to be soaring anywhere. Jojo, James, Chase, and Robby stay at the hotel and have an adult slumber party instead which consists of binge-eating, Pictionary, truth or dare, a very awkward massage train in which only one dude is touching a woman, and plenty of wine (a prerequisite to survive the massage train with one’s masculinity intact). All are wasted when Jojo dares Robby to run up and down the hallways of the hotel in his underwear.

Given that Robby has the body of a god and his boxers look closer to biker shorts than underwear, this is a very weak dare. They should have dared James to do it in a pair of Speedos if they wanted something approaching shock value.

Unable to compete with Robby’s abs, James attempts to throw him under the bus by telling Jojo that Robby has a wandering eye. Robby drunkenly insists that James is a liar. Oh and, BTW, I don’t care.

Thoroughly liquored up, Jojo and the three boys watch the Argentinian version of the Bachelor. Ten bucks says it very closely resembles a telenovela.

During his one-on-one time, Robby assures Jojo that he’s ready to get engaged to her after only having broken up with his girlfriend four and a half months prior to going on the show. (Um… no.)

During Chase’s one-on-one time, Chase mumbles something about wanting to spend his life with her her blah blah blah. Chase is one of the most forgettable contestants to ever be on this show. Ask me in two months who he is and I won’t be able to tell you (unless he’s on BIP but I may forget who he is between the time The Bachelorette ends and BIP begins).

James is up next. He talks to Jojo about the really sweet and deep connection they have but he feels like Jojo has a more physical connection with some of the other guys. James is quick to reassure himself that it’s because their connection is so solid that Jojo doesn’t need to worry about where they’re at. Yeah. Totally. That’s exactly what I was thinking.

Robby, James, and Chase talk about who they think is a frontrunner. James, the voice of reason, realizes that Jordan and Luke got the one-on-ones because they’re the frontrunners and Jojo wanted to spend more alone time with them, knowing she intended to give them each a rose at the rose ceremony. This leads James to the inevitable conclusion that one of the guys on the group date is going home.

Robby protests, believing himself to be a frontrunner based on his emotions. Yeah, because the emotions you feel for someone else are always reciprocated. (I don’t like Robby. He’s clingy and creepy and annoying.)

Robby asks James why he’s even there if he doesn’t think he’s a frontrunner. James responds that he’s never been a frontrunner in anything in his life but he’s always gotta fight to win or he’ll never win anything. Word.

Robby gets the rose. Because Chase is boring and James is obviously going home as he has been destined to since he auditioned for this show.

Luke’s One-on-One

I think this date set a record for shortest one-on-one in Bachelor/ette history.

Luke and Jojo go to a ranch. They ride horses and go skeet shooting. Mind numbing.

The most interesting thing that happens on the date is that Luke intimates he’s open to moving away from his rural town since Jojo lives in a “big” city. Dallas? Houston? I can’t remember. It’s in Texas. This is important because Jojo seems like a city gal and probably doesn’t want to make bread and raise a gaggle of babies on a ranch in downtown Nowhere – yet.

Luke returns before noon and lets the other guys know that his date is over and they’re all going straight to the rose ceremony (I hope they paid Luke Chris Harrison money to be announcer for the day) which leaves Chase and James in a state of panic.

Rose Ceremony

Robby already has a rose.

1. Luke
2. Jordan
3. Chase

James goes home. Sorry, buddy. It was time. James did kind of grow on me toward the end. I still don’t want him to be the Bachelor but I’d almost rather see him as the Bachelor than Jordan.

So I wasn’t dead on with my final four predictions from night one but I was pretty close. I picked Luke and Jordan and I was very certain about those two on night one. I picked James F. and I still think he would’ve been a better choice than Chase but also to be fair to myself, I don’t remember there being much footage of Chase and Jojo together on night one so it was hard to tell he would go the distance.

I thought Wells would go farther than he did but he was only ever going to go far to get the Bachelor gig, not because he and Jojo were a match. I did have Robby contending for the fourth spot with Wells and Nick B. so I can say that three of my choices from night one were pretty good. If Luke turns out to be the winner, I’ll consider my predictions to be pretty accurate. If Jordan or Wells turn out to be the next Bachelor, I’ll reclaim my Nostradamus status. I predicted that Ben would be the next Bachelor on night one of Kaitlyn’s season. (Have I mentioned that before???)

Looks like a lot of drama next week with Robby and rumors about his ex-girlfriend and with Jordan and his brother.

I don’t know who’s going home but I’m fairly certain it’s going to be either Chase or Robby.

I don’t see there being any universe in which Luke and Jordan aren’t the final two.

OK, that’s all folks. Probably by the time you finish reading this it will be time for a new episode of the Bachelorette.

Thanks for reading guys. I really appreciate it. Talk to you next week or Sunday! 🙂

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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese.
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.

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