Britt Versus Kaitlyn
Britt Versus Kaitlyn
Which one will be the next Bachelorette? © ABC

The Season Premiere of The Bachelorette 2015- Who Will Be Our Bachelorette?

Before I get to the limos I just want to make a comment about the girls’ dresses. It’s my understanding that if you get to be the Bachelorette, production buys you a whole new wardrobe and gives you a stylist to pick out your outfits. So then why is Britt wearing an insanely beautiful fairy princess gown while Kaitlyn is wearing what looks like a Liza Minelli castoff (high neck, hideous blue sequins)?

Poor Kaitlyn. Curse her stylist for suggesting/approving that dress. Even if it were Kaitlyn’s choice, her stylist should have steered her toward something else. No one could pull off that dress and I think it put her at a disadvantage.

The Limos:

I didn’t catch the order of all of the guys coming out of the limos. Maybe they didn’t show everyone or maybe some of their exits went by so fast I didn’t notice. But here’s what I did see:

1) Ben H. – Super cute software salesman. He goes to Kaitlyn first but then finds common ground with Britt. They both have “sponsor children”. You know that commercial that starts out with “For just 5 cents a day…” and then they show you a bunch of starving kids in Africa? Those are sponsor children.

Ben mentions in his ITM that he’s comfortable with Kaitlyn but feels butterflies with Britt.

2) Jonathan – Also cute. He was featured earlier, the guy with the son. In true playa’ style, he makes a beeline for Britt and starts chatting her up. He barely acknowledges Kaitlyn which is rude. He doesn’t know which of these girls is going to be the bachelorette but he’s already snubbed one of them. Nice job. Either way, this guy doesn’t get past week 3 or 4.

3) Clint – He’s an architectural engineer. What? One of these guys has an actual job? But alas, he is dull.

4) Ryan B. – Refers to Britt as “Disney Princess”. How apt. She looks like one and she’s two-dimensional. Ba dum bump.

Kaitlyn’s ITMs show her nervous because it’s obvious Britt is getting the attention right now. But she’s clever about it and not self-pitying. She has no illusions about what a formidable opponent Britt is.

5) Kupah – Britt makes a good first impression on him. Shocker. He mentions inside that maybe she didn’t get a fair shot on The Bachelor. No, Kupah. That’s your little head talking. Britt got more than a fair shot on The Bachelor. This guy will be gone within 3 episodes.

6) Kory – Residential developer. So either he builds housing tracts or he’s a landlord. He’s kind of boring and hard on the eyes. He’s filler. He’ll be gone post-haste.

Just as Kaitlyn’s panic starts to overwhelm her, Ian (the runner) arrives.

7) Ian – Goes straight to Kaitlyn, greets her warmly and says into her ear, “You’re the reason I’m here” and something along the lines of “and because of that, I’m going to make sure you’re the Bachelorette”. Damn. Someone’s confident. However, he does not ignore Britt. He greets her warmly as well but his intention is clear.

Kaitlyn starts to perk up after this interaction.

8) J.J. – Walks over to Kaitlyn, gives her a hockey puck, and says something like, “I pucked you.” Ordinarily, this would be considered rude but since it’s Kaitlyn who has the dirtiest sense of humor of any female contestant in the history of this show, it earns him a big laugh. He then says to Britt, “If I’d known you would be here, I would have pucked you too.” Hmmm… so at least one of the guys didn’t know the night of the show that there were going to be two bachelorettes.

9) Ryan M. – claims in his ITM to be obsessed with Kaitlyn. He erupts out of the limo and says, “Honeys, I’m home” which earns him laughter from both women. It’s a great line. Too bad he’s going to completely sabotage himself later on in the show.

10) Bradley – We only see him briefly. He’s dressed in tennis gear and says to the girls, “We’re all looking for a love/love match.” Did he really put on that getup just to tell that weak-ass joke? That’s sad. My instinct tells me he’s a nice guy but his lack of looks and personality will no doubt result in him leaving the show at the first or second rose ceremony.

11) Daniel – All we see is him dancing with Kaitlyn and Britt trying to get into the groove too as she senses the game might be shifting in Kaitlyn’s favor.

12) Josh – The stripper/lawyer. He starts stripping for the girls. Kaitlyn wants none of it. She says in her ITM that “Britt can have him.” He’s a goner. Male strippers think women want them way more than we actually do. We will go to a strip club for a bachelorette party but we’re all secretly more grossed out than turned on when a sweaty, half-naked male stranger starts grinding up against us. Just an FYI to any males who might be reading this.

13) Joe – He was previewed. He brings Kaitlyn some moonshine from Kentucky which she appreciates. Britt’s starting to get jealous because Kaitlyn’s getting some gifts and she isn’t.

14) Tanner – He’s in “auto-finance”. Uh huh. He sells cars. But finally, Britt gets a gift. A pack of tissues. The only gift she gets is a backhanded one. She was known for her hysterical crying on The Bachelor and Tanner (who mentions at some point he’s there for Kaitlyn) decided to be a dick and mock her for it rather than try to make a good impression on Kaitlyn. He doesn’t even talk to Kaitlyn. What was the point of that?

And then to add insult to insult, Kaitlyn asks Britt if he gave her Kleenex or a bar of soap. The other thing Britt was known for on The Bachelor was supposedly not bathing. Britt seems not to notice and I’m not sure it was an intentional dig on Kaitlyn’s part. If it was, she sure kept it hidden. It might have been a dig on the editor’s part though.

I may not want Britt to be the Bachelorette but I never believed she didn’t bathe. No one could look that good all the time and not be clean. Maybe she skipped a day here and there, I don’t know, but the rumor of her not bathing for 3 weeks had to have been a gross exaggeration.

15) Shawn B. – Back in my day we walked up hill to school both ways and spelled “Shawn” S-E-A-N. But this season there are two guys named “Shawn”. Shawn goes up to Britt and gives her a big hug and talks her up a little bit. It seems like he’s into her and Britt’s excited about him until he walks over to Kaitlyn and tells her she’s the reason he’s there.

Wow. I don’t think Shawn meant to slam Britt like that but that was pretty oblivious of him. But Kaitlyn’s too gaga over him to notice that he was kind of a douche to Britt. At different points in the episode both Shawn B. and Kaitlyn claim they might have experienced love at first sight with each other. My guess is he’ll get the first impression rose if Kaitlyn is chosen as the Bachelorette.

At this point, Kaitlyn decides to go into the house to say hi to the guys who have already arrived. Britt’s response: “I know she wants to WIN and be the Bachelorette but it didn’t seem fair.” This isn’t about winning, Britt. Yes, you both want to be the Bachelorette but this shouldn’t be looked on as a game and I don’t think Kaitlyn went into the house because she wanted to get a leg up.

I think she went into the house because 1) She was tired of standing outside for hours on end (this episode goes ALL night and into the dawn so they were probably 4-6 hours into shooting at this point) and 2) She wanted to remind the guys who had been inside all that time that she was still there and let them know it would just be a little bit longer. It’s not like she hung out with them. She just said hello and then went right back outside.

16) David – Not much to say about him. He went to Kaitlyn first. That’s all we see.

17) Corey – says to Kaitlyn, “I’m not a farmer but I hope the offer to plow your field is still on the table.” In case anyone doesn’t know, this is the joke Kaitlyn made to Chris Soules when she got out of the limo on The Bachelor. Big laugh from Kaitlyn.

18) Tony – he was previewed. The guy who has a possibly incestuous relationship with his plants given the level of intelligence he’s about to display. This is the best worst entrance I can remember seeing on this show. He goes to Britt first and says, “How are you? I’m Tony. I’ve been waiting for this moment for awhile. I believe in love, the real love, and hope the universe provides.” Super romantic, right? Until he walks over to Kaitlyn and SAYS THE EXACT SAME THING. Verbatim. Britt is annoyed and rightly so.

How dumb is this guy? Is he not aware that he’s wearing a mic and the girls are standing less than 20 feet apart and can hear what he says to the other? Was he even aware he’d said the exact same thing to both girls? I laughed out loud. This guy is so weird and he has a shiner. What the hell happened to him? Did he walk into a lamp? A door? Did he black out during a meditation session and bang his cheek on a healing stone? Whatever it was, I bet 10 bucks it was something stupid and not a fist fight.

At this point, inside the house, Ryan M. starts his downward spiral into becoming a total drunken buffoon. He starts banging on the windows to get the girls’ attention. We see clips of him inside the house spouting such gems as, “I’m all horned up”, “I apologize for nothing”, “Is this the Gay Bachelor?”, and “I’m sorry for being awesome.” He’s loud and belligerent and obviously well on his way to getting kicked off the show.

19) Shawn E. – Shows up in a car “pool”. It’s a car and it’s a pool. Not a car with a pool trailer. The entire passenger and driver compartment is literally a pool. Ryan M. has found his way to the bushes out front by the girls and heckles Shawn, telling him, “That car sucks. You suck.” Way to keep it classy Ryan.

20) Chris – A dentist shows up in a cupcake car. Seriously, if you can’t wow a girl with words, a cupcake-mobile isn’t going to save you. Britt and Kaitlyn appear to be charmed but I think it was mostly to be polite. The cupcake car sucked almost as hard as the car “pool” did. I didn’t say Ryan M. was wrong about the car pool sucking, it just didn’t need to be said.

21) Joshua – greets Kaitlyn first.

22) Ben Z. – greets Britt first.

Finally, the limo exits are over. I either missed three or they weren’t shown.

Next up, what went down in the house.


3 thoughts on “The Season Premiere of The Bachelorette 2015- Who Will Be Our Bachelorette?

  1. Outstanding! The re-cap was so thorough I felt I didn’t need to watch the show! There was a perfect blend of details, observations, and clever/snarky commentary. The best write-ups are the ones where the writer has some level of affection for the topic but is capable of stepping back to praise or skewer as necessary. Very enjoyable. What a great job!

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