Malibu Creek Tree

Bachelor 2016: Episode 3 Recap

Bachelor 2016 Episode 3: The Redemption of Lace

So last week on Bachelor Live, they asked who America thought would cause the most drama in the house this week: Lace or Olivia. Olivia won the poll but the correct answer was neither. The most drama was caused by the gaggle of mean girls living in the house who decided to pick on the outsiders. I’ve officially decided there’s no real villain this season. I don’t think Olivia is evil. She’s just self-absorbed and weird and has a mouth the size of the Grand Canyon.

Alright, let’s dig into the episode. There’s a lot to get to.

We start off with Lauren B. and Amanda trash-talking Olivia for spending $40k on clothes and being fake. They don’t like her and are convinced deep down, Olivia is a mean girl. Uh… well, so far, I haven’t seen Olivia cuddling up with other women in the house to trash-talk anyone. *cough* hypocrites.

Lauren B. and Ben’s 1-on-1

Lauren B. gets the first date card: “The sky’s the limit. -Ben”

They’re going on a plane, something new and different for flight-attendant, Lauren B. I guess it’s kinda different cause it’s a stunt plane but still, it’s a plane. Couldn’t she have gotten the Princess Date or something?

Well, it turns out not to matter much anyway since Ben and Lauren spend most of their time kissing. Weird little pecks trying to work around the mics on their headsets.

The plane conveniently makes a flyby of the Bachelor Mansion. Olivia freaks out. She can’t see what’s going on in the plane but she seems convinced it must be bad and I’m certain if she had a jet pack, she’d fly up and steal Ben away to swallow his face some more and make sure he still knows he’s HER husband.

When Ben and Lauren are back on the ground, they go on a nature hike to a random hot tub that’s set up in the middle of the wilderness. I know EXACTLY where they are because they put that damn hot tub under my favorite tree. Yes, I have a favorite tree and it lives at Malibu Creek State Park. Look familiar?

Emily's Favorite Tree Emily's Favorite Tree Closeup

I don’t even know how they got a hot tub out there. They must have had to haul in a generator to make it work because there’s no electricity anywhere in the vicinity. Not to mention the water they had to truck out there. Really, why? I mean, yes, it’s a beautiful setting. I used to hike there every day. But wouldn’t a picnic have been better for the setting and a hell of a lot easier?

It feels like the producers were doing some bizarre magnetic poetry where the words were all cool things to do on a date and they randomly paired up “hot tub” and “hiking”.  Although they didn’t have to hike far. That tree is only a five-minute walk from the road.

Lauren and Ben have amazing chemistry. They spend a lot of time making out. And you can tell by the look on his face that he’s REALLY into her. He’s got stars in his eyes and seems a little breathless whenever he looks at her.

Back at the mansion, Caila is freaking out and crying. I think she’s scared of Ben falling for someone else but it’s hard to tell since her voice approaches octaves only dogs can hear.

Later Lauren and Ben go to dinner. The only interesting thing we find out in their conversation is that Lauren’s dad is an obsessive horticulturalist. Everything else is just the generic Bachelor dinner date chit-chat, “I want to give my kids the life I had,” and, “I haven’t found anyone yet because I want someone who’s as sweet as my dad.” Yawn.

The group date card arrives at the mansion. Rachel is “squeezing her abs” waiting to hear if her name is on the date card. Is that a thing? I usually just keep my fingers crossed.

“Love Is The Goal”

  • Amanda
  • Haley
  • Jennifer
  • Shushanna
  • Leah
  • Amber
  • Lauren H.
  • Olivia
  • Jami
  • Rachel (she can unclench her abs now)
  • Lace
  • Emily

Back on Ben and Lauren’s date, we find out that atherosclerosis runs in Ben’s family. His dad had triple bypass surgery. Alright, it was in the context of a “serious” talk about family and relationships (at least as serious as these talks get on this show which isn’t very).

Lauren lets slip that she wants to meet Ben’s family. Get in line, honey, and be prepared to “accidentally” trip over one of Olivia’s out-stretched cankles on your way there.

Lauren gets the rose. Shocker.

Then they go out to a barn where Lucy Angel (who?) is waiting to play a private concert of generic country music. They kiss, they dance, yada yada yada… and suddenly Ben let’s us know, “This girl’s changing me.” What? How? When? I can’t remember vanilla Lauren saying a single life-altering word on the entire date. She must be a damn good kisser.

The Group Date at The Colosseum

The girls are going to play soccer. None of them have ever played soccer before and Lauren H. lets us know she has “zero ball handling skills.” Well, let’s hope she doesn’t make it to the fantasy suite then. We wouldn’t want her mangling Ben’s family jewels.

Luckily, some women from the National Women’s Soccer team are there to help the girls figure out how to bounce soccer balls off their chests. I hope no one ruptures an implant.

Chris Harrison arrives to let the girls know only half the girls are going on the night portion of the date.

They’re divided up into the stars team and the stripes team. The winning team goes on the date. We already know Olivia’s team is going to win because we saw the preview of her flaunting her alone time with Ben on the night portion of the date. So, stars, you’re going down.

Leah: “Blood will be shed on this field.” Only if someone breaks a nail.

Emily kicks ass as a goalie: “Balls flying at my face is never fun but if I have to hurt myself, I have to hurt myself.” At this point in my twisted mind, Ben interrupts Emily’s ITM to offer her an early invitation to the fantasy suite. YES, I have a dirty mind. Sue me.

The teams end up going to sudden death when the teams are tied. The next team to make a goal wins.

Rachel gets injured in the process and Olivia lets us know she’s going to take advantage of Rachel’s injury after Rachel decides to keep playing. What a sweetheart.

Olivia’s team wins like we knew they would.

On the night time portion of the date, Olivia pulls Ben aside before he can even get a word out to the rest of the group. She takes him up to a hotel room and waves to the girls down below.

This was painted as truly villainous behavior on last week’s preview but it looks like Ben was actually complicit in this behavior so I don’t view this as being that heinous.

Inside the hotel room, Olivia and Ben talk about the target on her back. Ben seems completely unphased by the fact that she waved to the other women down below as they make out on the couch so I definitely don’t think it was as big a deal as it was made out to be.

Down below, the other women are discussing how Olivia is more aggressive than they are when queen mean girl, Amber, starts talking about how ugly Olivia’s toes are. Because if you can’t beat ’em, disparage their genetic shortcomings.

Haley has the decency to think it’s not that nice to make fun of someone’s toes but promptly ruins it by remarking on Olivia’s dragon breath.

Supercalifragilistic-bad-toes-and-halitosis, if you say it loud enough, you’ll sound jealous and atrocious…

Next Jami tells Olivia the girls were picking apart her appearance. Olivia starts guessing what they were talking about giving us clear insight into all the things she’s insecure about.

Olivia: “My calves?”
Jami: “No.”
Olivia: “Cankles?”
Jami: “No… Your toes.”
Olivia: “Perfection is so lame.”

I’m kind of impressed that Olivia doesn’t give a damn about the fact that the other women were badmouthing her toes. At least, she appears not to. Let’s wait and see what happens at the cocktail party.

At the mansion, the 1-on-1 date card arrives. Up until this point, Jubilee has been periodically freaking out that she’s not going to get a date with Ben this week and that she’s worried she’s not his type.

So her reaction to finding out her name is on the date card goes something like this:

 

Back on the group date, Amber is trying to work up the nerve to sit down and talk to Ben: “If it takes two times being on the Bachelor to find someone that loves me, I’ll take my chances.” I think that’s the saddest thing anyone’s said so far on this season. I get the distinct feeling that you could replace Ben with just about any other attractive dude on the planet and Amber would be just as interested in him as she is in Ben. She just wants boy candy.

Amber manages to score a kiss with Ben. A decent one at that and it’s enough to get her the group date rose.

Olivia tries to console herself that she didn’t get the group rose with the fact that Ben uses her knee as leverage to push himself up and off the group date couch. She views this as a sign of his “secret” desire for her and only her and that he really wanted to give her the rose.

Oh, to be young and misinterpret a guy’s every minute gesture for indication of his feelings toward me again. In case you’re not old enough to know this, guys almost never give subtle signs of their interest. If they call you and make out with you, they’re interested. Everything else is your imagination.

Jubilee and Ben’s One-on-One

Jubilee feels super awkward or to use Jami’s phrasing, “Ako-taco”. If there isn’t a Twitter emoji for that, there should be.

Some people use humor to cover up their nerves and Jubilee is one of those people. She JOKES about Ben being 20 minutes late and a couple of the girls take it a little too seriously (Jami).

She jokes again when she sees she and Ben are leaving on a helicopter. She’s afraid of heights so she asks if anyone else wants to take her place.

OMG. Does anyone in the Bachelor mansion have a bloody sense of humor? Jami, Amber, and Caila freak out about how disrespectful Jubilee is and doesn’t she know how many other girls would kill to be on that date??? It was a JOKE.

Jubilee and Ben go to a spa/castle for the date.

Jubilee lets Ben know she was surprised and happy when she got the date. Then Ben asks her why she’s so surprised. Um… because she’s black? But lets keep up the pretense for a couple more weeks that this show is all about diversity.

Jubilee is happy when Ben takes her, “I’m not playing, white boy,” comment well as a taunt at the beginning of what looks like a shuffleboard match.

There’s a weird exchange between Jubilee and Ben in the hot tub later. She mentions the white boy comment and then he gets all nervous, blushes, and mumbles something unintelligible to which Jubilee responds with glee, “So I’ve heard.” I don’t know what to make of this exchange. If I had to guess based on the context, I think Ben is letting us know he’s not opposed to dark meat if you know what I mean. Wink wink.

But that’s pure speculation on my part.

Jubilee and Ben seem very comfortable together despite Bachelor Nation saying how awkward this date was. This was the LEAST awkward white/black date in the history of this show.

On the night time portion of the date we hear the most authentic sob story in the history of this franchise. Jubilee’s entire family died when she was a kid, she was placed in an orphanage, adopted, and brought to the U.S.  And then she joined the military and fought for THIS country while suffering from a serious case of survivor’s guilt. All the widows and single moms on this show can STFU from here on out. No one is ever going to top Jubilee’s tale of woe.

This is NOT an awkward moment between Ben and Jubilee. The fact that she’s crying and he’s searching for the right words to say to comfort her means the emotion between them is REAL. That’s what happens when people are authentically vulnerable. It’s intense and people struggle to communicate and get through the moment together.

The fact that Ben gave her the rose was proof of the bond they both felt from working through something difficult together. Love is not all sunshine and roses. Bonds are not just formed over candlelit dinners. They’re also formed through working through tough emotions and situations together. I do not believe this was a pity rose.

The next morning, the girls in the house are astounded to see Jubilee back in the house after the way she disrespected Ben the day before by offering her date to someone else. How could he possibly still want her after that???

Some of the girls notice Jubilee is reserved since returning from her date, no doubt from the emotional roller coaster of the previous evening.

Lauren H., wide-eyed and vacuous, gives us her opinion of Jubilee and Ben’s potential: “I know Ben wants a wife who’s gonna be friends with all the other soccer moms… I just don’t see it long term.”

I don’t really see Ben and Jubilee working out in the long run either but that doesn’t make my desire to want to smack Lauren H. upside the head for making such a shallow, white-bread comment any less. I’m starting to hate the normal girls in the house and want the weirdos to triumph.

Next Up: The Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

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