Corinne_Liz_Lemons
Corinne_Liz_Lemons

Bachelor 2017 Recap: Episode 2

Bachelor 2017 Recap: Episode 2

I found this episode a little boring. At the end, I felt like we didn’t get a whole lot of new information and then we were hit with another “To Be Continued” which I know you all love as much as I do.

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DO THE BACHELOR PRODUCERS REALLY THINK WE LIKE THIS?

The episode was primarily about Liz and Corinne so let’s try to make some Liz-and-Corinne-ade out of Liz and Corinne.

Group Date 1

Chris Harrison brings the first date card (like an hour after the first “night” ended) and lets us know that there will be two group dates and a one-on-one.

“Always a bridesmaid… Love, Nick”

  • Corinne
  • Vanessa
  • Sarah
  • Alexis
  • Hailey
  • Lacey
  • Brittany
  • Jasmine
  • Raven
  • Danielle L.
  • Taylor
  • Elizabeth W.

Corinne has never been a bridesmaid. She thinks it’s because she was born to be a bride. It’s probably closer to the truth that she doesn’t have any female friends or if she does, none of them want her getting drunk at the reception, stripping off her gown, and asking the groom to hold her bare breasts while they pose for a photograph.

But I’m getting ahead of myself…

The girls leave the house in brand-new Audis (Nick is so far following his little sister Bella’s advice to pick the girls up in cool rides). They arrive at a fancy mansion that’s probably a few blocks from the Bachelor mansion because that’s what all the houses look like in that area.

My boyfriend told me that a lot of mansions here are rented out for porn shoots so maybe the girls should have been wearing hazmat suits instead of bridal wear. On the other hand, Corinne’s antics almost qualified as porn so…

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The Bridal Photo Shoot

According to the photographer, whichever girl he decides has the best connection with Nick after a review of the photographs will get a special bonus surprise with Nick.

Vanessa gets stuck being the 80s bride. Is that a thing? If it is, why is it a thing? Dye the dress black and add some finger-less lace gloves and then it would be a cool, Madonna, like-a-virgin themed wedding but in white, Vanessa’s dress is just an ordinary Salvation Army castoff.

After being a dolphin SHARK night one, Alexis gets to be a near-term-pregnant shotgun bride. Someday Nick will get to see her in a regular human dress. In addition to not knowing the difference between a shark and a dolphin, Alexis also doesn’t know what a shotgun wedding is. Does she know anything?

Brittany gets to be Eve in the Adam and Eve themed wedding.

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BRITTANY’S BRIDAL GOWN. SERIOUSLY, WHAT?

Poor girl but, sadly, I think the only reason’s she’s on the show is because she’s got the body to pull something like that off. I don’t see Nick taking a serious interest in her.

Danielle L. is the traditional bride. I feel like the producers are trying to push an agenda here. I’m sure they’d rather Nick pick Danielle over Vanessa because Vanessa would make a better Bachelorette.

Im_not_cynical_ive_just_been_taking_notes_history_book

Not sure what Taylor is. Is she a princess bride with that tiara? It seems like another traditional wedding gown.

Corinne begins a series of drunken ITMs in which she has trouble keeping bugs out of her mouth. She says she’s full of number ones which is better than being number two or going number two. I’m not so sure about that… flies don’t usually circle “number ones” that much! 😆

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Yeah, I know that was gross but in my defense, one of the first books I was given as a child was Truly Tasteless Jokes. No good was ever going to come from it.

Corinne and Taylor are both equally delusional about their connections with Nick and see each other as their primary competition. Both girls wrongly perceive the other as trying to psych them out. Their paranoia creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that will come to a head later in the date in one of the most gloriously awkward moments in Bachelor history.

Corrine thinks she’s the hottest bride in her white bikini… and then Brittany walks into the room freshly spray-tanned and looking bootilicious in her leafy Eve bikini bottom.

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Sarah is the Viva Las Vegas bride. She looks cute in the ultra-mini white dress (?) and garter but I don’t get this theme. And you gotta love the picture of Sarah kneeling in front of Nick with her cheek pressed up against his crotch. Classy. Definitely makes me think of the deep, spiritual, eternal love soulmates enjoy.

Hailey is the biker bride. Nick looks more Village People than Hell’s Angels in his head-to-toe leather outfit but we’re reassured that he isn’t gay when he grabs Hailey’s hands and plants them firmly on his ass cheeks.

juliet_o_that_I_were_a_glove_upon_that_hand

Raven, Heather W., and Jasmine are bridesmaids at Vanessa and Nick’s 80s wedding. I still don’t get why this is a thing. Jasmine steals the groom and kisses him in front of the bride.

Danielle L. and Nick have a traditional wedding with Lacey as a bridesmaid. Lacey follows Jasmine’s lead and steals Nick for a kiss. When she surfaces for air, she says, “Mmmm… tastes like Danielle.”

oooh-sick-burn

Corinne can’t handle Taylor’s real kiss with Nick in their photos. Corinne is deep in her cups at this point and decides she needs to step up her game. Corinne is pushed further into future poor-decision-making when Nick walks out in his Adam bikini bottom manly, leaf-covered speedo. The women try to keep their mouths closed.

I’m surprised that Nick seems embarrassed. A) He’s a model and B) every other photo in his Twitter feed is a topless shot (or at least it was the last time I checked it which was way before he had a chance at the Bachelor gig.)

Corinne thinks she would’ve been a better Eve than Brittany because she has more sex appeal and a better body. Whatever gets you through the day, sweetie.

At last, Corinne is drunk enough for the producers to unleash her on Nick. She gets the “beach wedding” which takes place in a pool?

Nick is wearing a micro-thin white dress shirt and white pants. Corinne strips his top off and then clumsily whips her bikini top off over her head. She presses her breasts against Nick for a few shots (being the Bachelor is a hard job but someone’s gotta do it) and then decides to do a “Janet Jackson” and has Nick do this to her…

Janet_jackson_rolling_stone_cover_breasts

Nick says he’s never blushed so much in his life. Corinne is not wife material but let us never forget a straight man’s weakness for women who want to get naked with him. Nick will not choose her in the end but he is probably suffering from a mild case of p*ssy blindness at this point in the season, a common Bachelor affliction. Remember, he doesn’t see what we see and probably doesn’t yet find her as obnoxious as we do.

The other women are shocked (shocked!) by Corinne’s behavior.

Taylor: I don’t think the photographer will see a connection between Nick and Corinne. He’ll see a connection between Nick and me because it was a deeper connection.

Yes, dear, of course. But the photographer was hired by the producers and so he’s going to choose who they want him to. But I’m sure, SURE, he would definitely have chosen you if it weren’t for that small detail.

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…Annnnddd Corinne wins the photo shoot competition, leaving the other girls to wonder if they might have won had they been sluttier.

Corinne’s prize is she gets to have a traditional wedding photo shoot with Nick with clothes on. How exciting. I’m pretty sure Taylor and Danielle L. got the exact same thing WITHOUT having to take off their tops.

Next Up: Night Portion of Group Date 1

4 thoughts on “Bachelor 2017 Recap: Episode 2

  1. Nice recap Emily! You’re right that the episode wasn’t all that interesting but you made what was there a lot more entertaining. I’m thinking we’ll be seeing quite “a lot” of Corrine in the future as Nick does seem entertained by her. Hopefully we’ll be getting to know some of the other ladies better. Your psychoanalysis of Nick and Taylor was very insightful and I think it will prove to be true as time goes on. I did love the conversation between Taylor and Corrine on the interrupting. As always, thanks for blogging. I’m looking forward to another distracting episode tonight that will keep my thoughts off the mainstream news of the week!

    • Hi, Julie.

      So sorry for the delayed response. Writing recaps takes a lot of my time.

      It looks like Taylor and Corinne are going to be one a two-on-one so we’ll see how that goes. No woman who has a serious chance at winning ever ends up on a two-on-one so they’re both going home. It’s only a matter of time.

      Haha! I’ve stopped watching TV news because I just can’t take it. I feel you.

      Thanks for the comment! I really appreciate it.

  2. Emily, as always, this was an insightful and hilarious review. I agree this was a boring episode. The stuff with Corinne was dull as dirt. No one cares and she is vile. I watched online and was able to fast forward through most of her ridiculousness. Raven’s comments were spot on and I hope we see more of her.

  3. Hey, Megan.

    Thanks for the comment and for retweeting me. It really helps.

    I find Corinne both entertaining and vile. I like her ignorant one-liners but she is almost a cartoon villain.

    I’m sure Nick knew she was the villain and that he had to keep her in spite of the other women’s dislike of her. He’s been on the show enough times to know how it works.

    Glad I could entertain you. I hope that ice storm passes soon. I’ve never been in an ice storm before. I’ve seen snow and hail but not ice. Sounds scary.

    Thanks for the feedback!

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