Bachelor 2017 Recap Episode 3
Fortunately, this was a more interesting episode than last week’s. We finally got some quality Vanessa time which I’m very happy about.
The episode opens with the girls from Liz’s date telling the mansion-bound girls about what transpired the previous night. Liz and Nick had sex, Liz went home, Christen got the date rose. Wait, why did Christen get…
…before I can finish my thought, we’re thrust into the cocktail party.
Nick addresses the women: Just in case any of you
were in a coma the last 12 hours don’t know, I met Liz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and we got sloppy drunk and attempted to make Kamasutra: The Movie had sex. If any of you are interested in making a sequel have any questions, feel free to ask me about it. I’m a filthy man slut who feels no shame in discussing my past sexual conquests with my future sexual conquests an open book.
(I kid Nick because I love him… mostly.)
The cocktail party is pretty standard fare. The Liz drama turns out to be much ado about nothing which is usually the case with anything that ends up in the season preview. The women are mostly okay with the fact that Nick slept with Liz.
I’m not sure why the producers keep trying to make it look like there’s going to be something big and dramatic that’s going to happen in the season preview. In 21 seasons, not a single dramatic storyline shown in the season preview has turned out to be as salacious as it was made to look.
Do they think we’re new? Is it just tradition now? Is the Bachelor like that grandpa who keeps asking us to pull his finger even though we know what’s going to happen and he knows we know what’s going to happen but we just keep going along with it anyway because we know it makes him happy?
Corinne is a one-trick pony. Once again, she tries to derail Nick with sex. She dresses up in lingerie and a trench coat and tracks down a producer who hands her a can of whipped cream. Corinne is ready for the “commitment” of exploring Nick sexually. Usually, it’s guys who mistake sex for love. Corinne seems to not only mistake sex for love but power for love so by the transitive property, sex = power.
Unfortunately for Corinne, she doesn’t realize that Nick f*cks almost as easily and as often as he breathes. No matter how platinum Corinne’s p*ssy may be, it can hold no power over a man who has a near constant buffet of p*ssy to choose from.
Nick happily licks the whipped cream out of Corinne’s mouth and off her breast then calls her a troublemaker, pats her on the head, and leaves to go speak to Jasmine.
Nick: While I’m trying to
figure out a way to bang Corinne before I kick her to the curb appreciate everything that is Corinne, I need to make sure the other women don’t find out about it be respectful to the other women in the house. I don’t think giving into this moment is going to do me anybody any good especially since the women I’m actually interested are probably beginning to suspect what an utter philanderer I am after the Liz situation.
Sticky and half-naked, Corinne tries to pick up the pieces of her
dignity ego off the Bachelor mansion driveway (I’m sure she isn’t the first and won’t be the last). She closes her trench coat and runs into the mansion to cry to Lacey(?)
Corinne: That was the WORST! The conversation [is that what the kids are calling it these days?] with Nick was really bad! WE HAVE NO FUTURE! 😥
Technically, you never had a future but still…
After Corinne is spent from her temper tantrum, she decides to skip the rose ceremony (since she already has a rose) and go night night.
I don’t think there’s any written rule that you HAVE to attend a rose ceremony but it’s really inconsiderate to the other women. There’s a lot of waiting around on a film set and I’m sure at least an hour was wasted trying to figure out if they were going to get Corinne out of bed or shoot the rose ceremony without her.
Nick immediately notices Corinne’s absence. Or he was told to notice. In a room full of 20 women a man barely knows, is he really going to notice one is missing even if he did lick whipped cream off her boob?
Nick apologizes to the women for Corinne’s absence. He is not amused.
Corinne, Danielle M., and Christen all have roses.
- Danielle L
Heather W., Lacey, Hailey, and Liz go home. I’m a little surprised about Hailey. I thought she would have lasted longer.
Group Date 1 (AKA White Nerds Can’t Dance)
Chris Harrison brings the date card with the preface that “we’ve really outdone ourselves this time”.
- Danielle L.
Inside the card: “Everybody.”
The girls are confused… and then “Everybody” by the Backstreet Boys is pumped through the speakers in the house. Enter the Backstreet Boys singing along to their song.
I’ll just pretend I didn’t notice that the girls were all dressed in workout clothes and ready to go before Chris arrived with the date card…
The lucky girls chosen for this date arrive at a dance studio where they are informed they will be backup dancers for the Backstreet Boys that night in front of an audience of at least 500 people. Wow, the B-Boys’ stock has tanked.
The girl who the Boys think has the best connection with Nick will get bonus time with Nick.
Nick and the girls start learning the choreography (or “planned dancing” as Corinne calls it). Jasmine and Danielle L. kill it. Corinne is not coordinated and can’t remember the steps (I feel your pain, girl).
Nick (to Corinne): Are you feeling better, Sleeping Beauty?
Corinne sheepishly says yes and pretends to be a good sport until Nick leaves. Then she promptly gets fed up trying to learn the dance and goes to the bathroom to cry and bitch to the new Lacey, Whitney, since Lacey went home.
Showtime: The girls are dressed in skin tight red tops, black booty shorts, and black chokers. Ah, the ’90s.
Taylor, Christen, Whitney, and Kristina dancing:
Danielle L. dancing (it would not surprise me if she used to be a stripper):
How Nick THINKS he dances:
How Nick ACTUALLY dances:
After the nightmare is over, the Backstreet Boys decide Nick and Danielle have the best connection.
Danielle’s reward? An incredibly awkward slow-dance with Nick to the B-Boys singing “I Want It That Way” acapella (which sounds god awful without auto-tune) in front of 500 silent strangers. She is then treated to a sloppy, high-school kiss from Nick.
Corinne is not amused.
Next Up: Group Date 1 – Night Portion and Vanessa’s One-On-One[jetpack-related-posts]