Bachelorette 2017 Episode 1 Recap – Premiere
Hey, Bachelor Nation.
I’m back to write about Rachel’s season but I need to streamline what I write so there aren’t going to be as many images or GIFS. That takes up too much of my time.
I hope all of you are well and enjoyed the off-season. I watched Dancing with the Stars until Nick got kicked off. Pretty sure it’s more of a popularity contest than a dancing competition seeing as Simone Biles, the most decorated gymnast in the history of history, got kicked off before the baseball player who helped win the world series for the cubs who’s barely coordinated enough to tie his shoes.
It’s a boring, boring, boring super perky gag-me-with-a-giant-sugar-coated-rainbow-lollipop show. Too many fake smiles and fake everything for my taste. No one is that f*cking peppy all the time. But there was a chance Nick might say something interesting so I tuned in. Vanessa seemed to get less and less enthusiastic as the season went on and I didn’t see her at the finale (which I watched since I thought Nick might be back). I think their days are probably numbered but I thought that before DWTS.
Alright, enough about Nick. It’s Rachel’s time.
I have to say I’m very unimpressed with the men The Bachelor producers have provided for our super smart, super sweet, super fun, super pretty Bachelorette. None of them are good enough for Rachel. None I say.
The episode starts out with a lot of rose petals, poses, hair twirling, and memorable one-liners: “I’m sassy but classy!” Rachel probably isn’t the first woman to utter that one but it’s the first time I’ve heard it.
Chris Harrison introduces us to our new Bachelorette:
Hi. I’m Chris Harrison and I can’t believe this gig has lasted this long. Welcome to yet another predictable exciting new season of the Bachelorette. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all but, hey, keep watching. This is the easiest money I’ve ever made. Over the years, we’ve seen a lot of bachelorettes come and go but never have we had a black bachelorette because we don’t think white women will watch and we’re trying to make money here. You didn’t honestly think we give a damn about love stories did you? seen anything like the outpouring of love and support for our new bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay.
Rachel came into last season a very pragmatic and reasonable skeptical woman. She questioned everything about this process because anyone with a half a brain would but lo and behold she fell down the twisty mansion staircase and hit her head which caused enough of a concussion for her to lose the ability to think critically for 6 weeks and temporarily think Nick would make a good life partner deeply in love and bachelor nation fell in love with her. And while Rachel did ultimately return to her senses leave brokenhearted, she also left believing she could find a fat paycheck and a brand new wardrobe love again right here. That’s why she’s back and we couldn’t be more excited. So let’s take a closer look at the bachelorette a handful of women who think romance novels are real the whole country is talking about.
In case anyone missed it, the new Bachelorette is Rachel Lindsay, a 31-year-old civil defense litigator from Dallas, Texas who is the Bachelor franchise’s first black lead.
Preview of Rachel’s Men
We get a look at some of the guys who’ll be vying for her affections over the next 11 weeks. It’s not pretty:
- Kenny is a 35-year-old professional wrestler which means he gets paid to dress up in tights and perform seemingly violent stunts with other men which occasionally results in him having to sniff the balls of his fellow wrestlers. Despite Kenny’s questionable career choice, he seems like a nice guy, he’s age-appropriate, and he loves his 10-year-old daughter who seems like a well-adjusted human being. Kenny could be a contender.
- Jack Stone is a 31-year-old lawyer from Dallas, Texas. Geographically desirable and age-appropriate but definitely a serial killer.
- Alex is a 28-year-old generic meathead IT guy whose mom told him he has a 180 IQ. No. To all of it.
- Mohit(o – you know his name is just better with an “o” at the end) is a 26-year-old barista “product manager”. He dances Bollywood but fails to make it to the Bollywood group date (which I’m sure the producers had planned when they cast him) after he gets the night-one axe for being too drunk to walk or be entertaining in any way.
- Lucas is a 30-year-old… WHABOOOM!!!
- Blake E. is a 31-year-old personal trainer and sports nutritionist. He doesn’t want to come across as the guy who talks about his penis but…
- Diggy is a 31-year-old Costco stock boy “senior inventory analyst”. He got the nickname Diggy because people like his “digs” (white people translation: “fashion sense”). He has 575 pairs of sneakers which is 574 more pairs of sneakers than an adult male should have. Who does he think he is? The first lady of the Philippines?
- Josiah is a 28-year-old criminal prosecutor from Florida. I thought he could be the one until I witnessed his overconfidence and referral to himself in the third person at the cocktail party. He’ll probably be around for a while though.
Next, Rachel introduces us to the female cast of this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise gets together with her friends from Nick’s season of the Bachelor for a pep talk. I almost forgot about all of these women.
Kristina’s hair looks killer. How many different kinds of highlights does she have? Anyway, I’ll be taking this photo with me the next time I go to the hairdresser.
Demonstrably absent is Vanessa. Word around the campfire is that Rachel and Vanessa had a massive fight on the set during the trip to Bimini and are not friends. I wonder why they didn’t show that. Could it be that the producers didn’t want to reveal that Nick’s girl Friday is a serious C-U-Next-Tuesday?
Next Up: The Limos, The Cocktail Party, and The Rose Ceremony