premiere_feature_rachel_lindsay_bachelorette
premiere_feature_rachel_lindsay_bachelorette

Bachelorette 2017: Episode 1 Recap

The Limos

Finally, the limos start arriving. I’m only going to cover the ones that were noteworthy:

  1. Peter – a 30-year-old “business owner”. He’s wearing polka dot socks, he’s hot, and appears to be sane (aside from the socks). That may not seem worth mentioning but a sane person on this franchise is always memorable. He also reminds me of James Bond minus the martini. He could end up being a cheap Nick knockoff which Rachel might be in the market for given her recent breakup.
  2. Josiah – hopes at the end of their time together, Rachel will have “no reasonable doubts” 🙄
  3. Bryan – a 37-year-old Chiropraticor Doctor. I’m not saying chiropractors can’t be helpful but they ARE NOT doctors. Hot, age-appropriate, Colombian, ready to get Rachel into “good trouble” (which I assume means using her tonsils as a soccer goal for his tongue because that’s exactly what he does a couple hours later). He’s sexy but he definitely seems like a player. Fun for now, wrong for the long haul.
  4. Steve Urkel/Will – 28-year-old “sales manager”. He does a pretty good Urkel impression but also seems somewhat normal and possibly a contender when not goofing off. He didn’t get much airtime though so the jury is still out.
  5. Iggy – Only notable because his cartoon compatriot, Diggy, is also on the show. I want to see a two-on-one with Iggy and Diggy.
  6. Blake K. – 29. Looks like they dusted off the generic good-looking Asian guy they keep in a closet at ABC HQ and sent him out of a limo to be cut night one again. Back in the box, gimp. She’s not interested. No Bachelorette will ever be interested in you until you sue ABC for discrimination.
  7. Brady – 29-year-old model. Brings a hammer and a block of ice and literally breaks the ice. I’m pretty sure he didn’t come up with that on his own. He seems like a good match for Hemily.
  8. Dean – The guy who said he “wants to go black and never go back” at the ATFR. Loses all hope of earning Rachel’s love when he caves to the social media backlash of his comment and asks if she was okay with him saying it. If you’re gonna go big, man, you can’t be second-guessing yourself. Either go with it or go home.
  9. Also at the ATFR were, Demario and Eric. Demario seems like a player and Eric seems boring and inexperienced. NEXT!
  10. Blake E. – Penis-talking man. I don’t care if you brought a marching band and can play the drums. You are STILL a creeper.
  11. Fred – Former summer camp degenerate that Rachel had to discipline when she was his counselor. Instantaneously friend-zoned but makes it past night one.
  12. Jonathan – 31-year-old tickle monster. Get a job. And oh, yeah. Don’t tickle a woman you just met and are trying to impress. She’ll either laugh or mace you and nothing in between.
  13. Lee – 30-year-old singer/songwriter. Shows up with a guitar. “He’s no Bieber but he’s a Belieber.” I really wanted to like Lee but it looks like he’s going to be a bit of a villain from the season preview.
  14. Matt – Penguin costume. That is all that’s notable about him.
  15. Adam – 26-year-old real estate agent. Nothing interesting about Adam but his nearly life-size doll, Adam Jr., from Lyon, France is awesomely creepy. Too bad Rachel cut him night one. I would like to see the entire season narrated from his perspective.
  16. Anthony – Education Software Manager. Aside from the fact that he’s only 26, this guy is the only one of the 31 who “might” be right for Rachel. He didn’t get a lot of airtime but I checked out his cast interview answers on ABC’s website and he gave the most intelligent responses out of all the men. He’s also very attractive in a Mr. Clean sort of way.
  17. Jedidiah – He’s Amish an ER physician. He quotes scripture as an introduction. *SWOON*. He reminds me of that Weird Al song, “Amish Paradise”.
  18. Whaboom – Announces through a bullhorn that one of his testicles is larger than the other and that that’s completely normal. He then unleashes the WHABOOM!! on Rachel.grumpy_cat_nope

Phew. Now that one boring phase of the night is over, it’s on to the next boring phase.

The Cocktail Party

Let the small talk begin:

  • Rachel builds a sand castle with Dean who doesn’t actually know how to build a sand castle.
  • Rachel rejects Adam Jr. which causes him to lament in French, “She is disgusted by me,” in his perhaps (sadly) only video diary.
  • Peter and Rachel see a shooting star. Well, Rachel does anyway. Peter is not clever enough to turn the cosmological event to his advantage and quip that he had planned it.
  • Blake E. had a testosterone milkshake before heading for the mansion and needs to pick a fight with someone so he confronts Whaboom about being there for the wrong reasons. Whaboom is too drunk to argue his way around the fact that he showed up in a t-shirt with his catchphrase on it and feebly responds, “You have a point there.”
  • Milton snarls/purrs once and gets a pass from Rachel. He does it twice and gets a one-way ticket home.
  • Bryan flatters Rachel in Spanish before grabbing her and sticking his tongue down her throat.

Gee, with all this male awesomeness to behold in all its splendor it’s amazing Rachel could decide who to give the first impression rose to…

BRYAN. Obviously.

Rose Ceremony

Bryan already has a rose.

  1. Peter
  2. Will
  3. Jack
  4. Jamey
  5. Iggy
  6. Eric
  7. Demario
  8. Jonathan
  9. Bryce
  10. Alex
  11. Kenny
  12. Dean
  13. Matt
  14. Anthony
  15. Brady
  16. Josiah
  17. Lee
  18. Diggy
  19. Fred
  20. Adam
  21. Blake E.
  22. Lucas

Generic good-looking Asian guy, Bollywood, Jedidiah, Kyle, Grant, Adam Jr., and Milton go home. Milton mumbled something about setting the building on fire on his way out…

All the guys are annoyed that Whaboom made the cut. They don’t yet realize that he is there precisely to annoy the sh*t out of them and they’re just playing into the producers hands.

Night-One Predictions

I’ve never had such a difficult time making predictions. Usually, the producers put at least some of the guys who go far in the preview of contestants at the beginning of the episode and the winner is almost always in the bunch. I’m not so sure they did that this season.

Josiah and Kenny are the only ones I can see going far.

I made my predictions before I listened to Jimmy Kimmel’s because he’s usually right about the winner. He chose Peter as the last guy standing and Peter wasn’t even on my radar. However, in looking at the season preview, Peter does appear in many locations one-on-one with Rachel so it’s not out of the question.

Here is my general feeling of guys who might go far in no particular order:

  • Anthony
  • Bryan
  • Will
  • Josiah
  • Peter
  • Kenny

I don’t think Rachel will pick Bryan so he’s my pick right now for next season’s Bachelor. Anthony could be a contender too but will ABC go black to black black back to back? I didn’t think there would ever be a black lead at all so I’m open to being surprised yet again.

Thanks for reading! See you next week!

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All the Pretty Pandas – Sharleen maintains two blogs. This one is more in-depth than the Flare blog and also gives you an inside look at the fashion on the show. If you’re interested in the looks the women wear on the show, definitely check it out.
Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese.
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.

10 thoughts on “Bachelorette 2017: Episode 1 Recap

  1. “I want to see a two-on-one with Iggy and Diggy.” Ha-ha-ha! Thanks so much for deciding to recap this season!

    • Hey, Melissa.

      Sorry for the delayed response. I’m glad you enjoyed the recap!

      Thank you so much for your continued support and feedback! 🙂

  2. Woo hoo!! So glad you are back! I laughed so hard at your Chris Harrison redacted speech paragraph.

    • Hi, Caroline.

      Sorry for the delayed response. I’m glad I made you laugh. That’s the whole point!

      Thank you for your support and feedback! 🙂

  3. Excellent recap as always. Happy that you decided to do this season, and the “streamlined” version is perfect, but hope you are also doing well. Rachel is the first bachelorette that I am looking forward to watching her “journey” to true love. Whether that happens or not will not lessen my enjoyment of watching a truly intelligent woman navigate through the process. Thank you again for coming back because your take on it all is what I enjoy most.

    • Hi, Vicki.

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I am doing my best to keep up with the show. I always have a lot on my plate so it’s challenging. The week they skipped an episode helped me to catch up so I was actually happy about it.

      I’m looking forward to Rachel finding true love too but I just don’t think any of her guys are keepers. I don’t see anyone who can match her intelligence and confidence and also can be a supportive and insightful partner who can help her break down her walls.

      I know she is engaged but I’m very doubtful that it will result in marriage.

      Thanks! 🙂

    • Hi, Jaime.

      I’m glad to have you back as well. You are such a bright shiny soul.

      Thank you for your continued support and feedback. It means the world to me. 🙂

  4. I am also glad you’re back. Loved the Office Space reference and this: “Looks like they dusted off the generic good-looking Asian guy they keep in a closet at ABC HQ and sent him out of a limo to be cut night one again” She kept the wrong Blake!

    Looking forward to a fun season – Rachel is a great bachelorette (so far).

    • Hi, Jennifer.

      I like that you put your full name and middle initial in the name field. There’s something cute about it. Like, “I’m not just any Jennifer, I’m THIS specific Jennifer.” I like that. I do something similar. When I have to fill out “Middle name” I put my full middle name because it’s important to me. I am not just Emily T Condit. I am Emily Taylor Condit. Taylor is a family middle name and there’s a common thread between me and my past relatives who’ve had it. The Taylors have been interested in science and engineering like me.

      I’m glad you liked the recap and got the office space reference. I wasn’t sure anyone would get it without a picture.

      She definitely kept the wrong Blake. Muscle freak Blake is obnoxious.

      I agree that Rachel is a great Bachelorette. I like her better than JoJo or Andi. I liked Kaitlyn but was pissed when she chose Shawn. He’s such a hot-tempered moron IMO. She didn’t have to choose Nick but there were better options than Shawn.

      Thanks for your feedback and support! 🙂

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