How I Made an Ass/Hero of Myself Trying to Befriend Nick Viall on Twitter
If it actually looks like I’m standing next to Nick Viall in the photo above, I’m not. But yay me for having amazing Photoshop skills! Shout out to Nick who had the foresight to know I would need a pic of him on a red background to match with the photo of me that I used in this Photoshop collage (literally THE dorkiest picture I have of myself but that was kind of the point). Thanks for looking out for me, buddy (or not as it turns out).
So a week ago Friday, I wrote a poem for Nick Viall asking him to follow me on Twitter. The poem received no response… at least not from Nick. But before I get to that, I have a little bit of backstory that will help clarify why I would attempt something so foolish/brave/insane – you can decide for yourself which one I am.
This may come as a shock but it was not my childhood dream to grow up and publicly make fun of people on TV. I was mercilessly teased as a child for being a socially-maladjusted nerd so it was definitely low on my list of priorities to grow up and make life suck for other people as hard as it sucked for me.
You may be thinking, “Okay, then why do you write about The Bachelor/ette/IP and make fun of people on it?” I’ll get there.
I had a lot of dreams as a kid but most of them involved doing something to benefit humanity. I wanted to build the first spaceship that could travel to other star systems, I wanted to build the first artificially intelligent computer, I wanted to cure world hunger, I wanted to end all wars forever, and just generally make the Earth a better planet to live on.
I’ve always been a dreamer and even though those are the dreams of a child, there is part of me that still shoots for the stars despite the odds being stacked against me in ways inconceivable to most.
14 years ago in October, I became horribly ill and my health has declined to the point that I’m now almost housebound and unable to hang out with the friends I do have (aside from my boyfriend who has stood diligently by my side the last 5 years even as my health fell spectacularly apart) or to meet new people to be friends with I think I could potentially relate to. Unfortunately, there are not a lot of people I have enough in common with to be able to sustain a friendship so I can’t just pick someone at random and say “you’ll do”.
The only social outlets I have are Facebook and Twitter (though I’m still getting the hang of Twitter and still wondering why people like it so much) so all I can do to make a new friend is to wait for someone to come into my sphere and then try to catch their attention. Here’s a drawing I made that is a representation of my current status in life. It’s pretty accurate I think but I’m not actually a giant and Beyonce *might* not actually be the sun:
I’m getting to the part where I tried to catch Nick Viall’s attention on Twitter last week but first let me explain why I write about The Bachelor franchise since making fun of people ISN’T what I live for.
Here’s the story. I can’t work. I live on Social Security which pays almost nothing because I was 25 when I became disabled and hadn’t paid very much into the system yet. I wouldn’t be able to survive at all without it so I’m completely grateful for it but I want to be independent. And not only do I want to be independent, I want to make some of those make-the-world-a-better-place dreams come true.
I have tried a bunch of different avenues to try to circumvent the fact that I can’t work and am virtually housebound in order to make enough money to get on my feet:
Write romance novel. Become famous author(only ever made it to page 30) Write inspiring, Oscar-winning screenplay. Become a famous screenwriter(wrote 5 scripts, no one cared) Make a movie that will become a cult classic(made the film – barely – not a cult classic. You can check it out here. Despite the misleading title, it’s a PG-13 romantic comedy.) Go to school online, study web design and programming. Build websites. Make money!(Went to school 5 years, got 3 A.A. Degrees, found out all the good jobs get shipped overseas to people who work for $1/hour)
- Use web design/programming and writing skills to start a blog. Become famous blogger. Inspire the world. Make money! Kill multiple birds with one stone. (IN PROGRESS)
So why am I writing about The Bachelor franchise and mocking it if I want to inspire people?
I’m writing about the Bachelor shows because they’re a hugely popular subject. I mock them because they invite ridicule and snark. That’s part of their appeal and I wouldn’t have much to write about if I chose to ignore their absurd aspects.
The number one rule of making it as a blogger is to write about something that’s popular and you know something about. But I just hope that if I’m ever known for something, it will be for adding value to the world in a way that I think is meaningful and significant.
However, I’m never going to be known for anything unless I can get people to hear me so I’ve been working my butt off this summer to get all of you here so I can talk to you. And maybe someday, if I’m lucky, you’ll want to hear my thoughts on other subjects besides The Bachelor/ette/IP.
So what does all of this have to do with me trying to make friends with Nick Viall on Twitter? Read on to find out.