Bachelor 2016: Episode 1 Recap

Bachelor 2016 Episode 1: The Dog and Pony Show…

(…Minus the dog but if the twins had only been Siamese, we would have had all the makings of a true freak show last night.)

Hey, Bachelor Nation.

It’s finally that time of year again. Time to dust off our bitch caps and relentlessly judge and mock a bunch of human beings on reality TV! Yayyyyyy!!!!

In case anyone doesn’t know, Ben Higgins is this season’s Bachelor but you’d have to be living under a rock in Africa not to know that at this point given the level of obsession with this show. I actually predicted he would be the next bachelor on the 2nd night of the premiere when it was announced Kaitlyn would be The Bachelorette. Don’t believe me? Exhibit A: https://cafeemily.xmodzero.com/bachelorette-2015-premiere-part-2/

Yeah, I’m sometimes really good at predictions. I think producers picked him as the next Bachelor before the season even started but kept it on the DL. Seriously, if Ben H. walked into your casting room, would you want him to end up with the girl or would you instantly realize he was ratings gold and steer the lead away from him? I know what I would do if I were an unscrupulous Hollywood producer of one of the most popular reality shows on TV.

The first episode is always the hardest for me to recap because I’ve got to get all the pictures together of all the contestants and crop them down to size and match the names with the images, etc. I may not be able to get my blogs out on Tuesday like a lot of other bloggers but I will do my best to get them out by Wednesday. Some of you may not know but I am chronically ill and my blogs take a considerable amount of time to write. I just about killed myself over the summer trying to get the Paradise blogs up by Tuesday. I was staying up all night to get them done.

I can’t do that anymore so I hope you’ll bear with me if it takes me a little longer. If you subscribe to my blog, you’ll get an email notice when I post my recaps. There’s a sign up form at the end of the blog and there’s one at the top of the right sidebar on every page.

Meet the Contestants

Here are the 28 lovely ladies vying for our darling Ben’s hand. This table is as much for me as it is for you. I’m lousy at remembering who’s who. The images in black and white are of those who were eliminated last night. All images ©2016 ABC:

Let’s get this party started!

This is my second viewing of the show. I’m gonna write as I watch.

Ben Higgins, 26, from Warsaw, Indiana. So hot but yet so young. Yeah, Ben is a smoke show but I’ll let you in on a little quirk about me: I don’t give a damn if a guy is good-looking or not and as much as I adore Ben as a person, I wouldn’t date him. There are only two former contestants on this show that I would even consider going on a date with if I were healthy, 10 years younger, and had the body of a Playboy Playmate.

If you’ve read my blog, you can probably guess that one of them is Nick Viall. The other is Michael Garofola. Brains and humor are the number one qualities I look for in a guy and these are the only two in the history of the show who come close to meeting my ridiculously high standards. If you don’t know much about Michael Garofola (who briefly appeared on BIP last summer), get to know him! I follow him on Twitter and he’s funny as f*ck (he does Tweet about sports and politics a lot too though so be advised): https://twitter.com/MichaelGarofola

Back to Ben who is adorable and sweet but whom I would not date. He continues with his story line from last season that he fears he’s unlovable (oops. I may have just fed into the veracity of that notion). It was kind of cute last season but now, it’s annoying.

Ben can’t be dumb enough to still think after discovering last summer that half the women in America (and possibly on the planet) would be willing to drop their panties for him the minute he walks in a room that he’s unlovable. So I find his continuation of this line of thinking to be self-pitying and tedious. However, I largely suspect the producers forced him into it. (Poor Ben. So nice, so attractive, yet rejected over and over again by the opposite sex. Will he ever find love? Find out on this season of The Bachelor… Please. At this point in his life, he’s probably been rejected by his long-distance ex-girlfriend and Kaitlyn, a woman he knew all of 5 weeks. I don’t think he’s headed for the heartbreak hotel anytime soon.)

First, Ben gets some advice from former Bachelors, Chris Soules, Jason Mesnik, and Sean Lowe. Chris, unsurprisingly, tells Ben to kiss all the girls. Because that worked out so well for him. How long did he and Whitney last? Four months? I’m glad to hear Ben isn’t planning on kissing all the women. I actually find it totally strange that the last couple of seasons, the leads kissed contestants on the first night.

There were some in Bachelor nation who thought is was boring that Ben didn’t kiss anyone on the first night (I don’t count Lace’s peck) but I found it refreshing. Chemistry is more than just physical. It’s mental, emotional, and spiritual as well and it’s pretty hard to feel all that from the get go.

Let’s also not forget that Ben is an uber-Christian. It would be totally out of character for him to kiss every woman on the show given his deep-rooted faith.

Next we get a closer look at some of the women Ben will be dating this season.

Lauren B.

25, roots in Portland. Flight attendant. She’s “so single it’s sad”.  I’m not sure you can get more single than single but she seems like a somewhat normal, sweet girl and she’s very attractive. She’ll be a player this season.

Caila

Lives in Boston. Kind of left her boyfriend when she felt butterflies for Ben watching him on The Bachelorette. Kind of creepy if you ask me. Seems like a nice girl but that’s borderline bunny-boiler behavior.

Jubilee

War veteran. Can do a crap load of sit-ups. Really cool and kind of badass.

Mandi

Dentist? Or secret sadist? She’s altogether kooky, I can tell you that much. I’m a huge fan of weird but I think she was trying a little too hard in her audition tape:

 

Emily and Haley – the Twins

22 from Las Vegas. Again I ask, “Why?” They are utterly obnoxious but hot. Yes, it is nearly every man’s fantasy to sleep with gorgeous blonde twins but like I said Monday night, Ben can’t and wouldn’t take them to the fantasy suite so what the hell is the point? I only hope they end up on a 2-on-1 and Ben has to send one of them home. I think it might be worth putting up with them to see a good twin fight.

Amanda

25, sounds like she’s 8. She’s the only single mom on the show. She has two daughters 3 1/2 and 2. Despite her goo-goo-gaga voice, she seems like a sweetheart.

Tiara

Chicken enthusiast? Well, it’s probably good she went home the first night.

Samantha

Just finished law school. Brains in da howse! It’s about time. Her dad died of ALS when she was young (A.K.A. Lou Gehrig’s disease, the illness famous physicist Stephen Hawking suffers from).  Seems like a nice woman.

Previews of women over. I’m not overly impressed. I never am but every season I hope another Sharleen Joynt will come along (though she’d in no way be right for Ben).

Limos

Lauren B. – Looks beautiful. No gimmicks (okay, she gave him a pair of pilot wings but considering how weird entrances get on this show, I almost didn’t notice). They have a connection right off the bat.

Caila – Jumps into Ben’s arms. Seriously? This is an awkward first meeting and does nothing to persuade me from my notion that Caila may be a bunny boiler.

Jennifer – Wow. NO gimmicks. Is this girl trying to win Ben over with just her personality? Pshaw. That’ll never work. Seriously, seems like a level-headed girl. I think she may be too sophisticated/experienced for Ben.

Jami – From Canada. Friends with Kaitlyn who told her that Ben has a really, really big… heart. That was so lame. Next!

Samantha – Seems like a very warm person. She found out on the way to the show that she passed the bar exam so she has a fallback career to soon-to-be-irrelevant, washed-up reality star. Good for her. There are some other people in the franchise who should be taking note.

Jubilee – I swear when she says her name it sounds like she’s saying, “I’m jiggly.” She’s really sweet. But, like many wonderful black hotties who have come before her on this show, I’m certain she’s destined to cry in a van on the way to the airport sometime before hometowns. She claims to be “good at pickup lines”. That is a false claim. “I can’t breathe and I can’t tell if it’s because this dress is so tight or because I’m standing next to you.” Whatever. Women don’t need pickup lines anyway. The only thing a woman needs to do to pick up a guy is just stand there and look pretty.

Amanda – No gimmicks. She doesn’t need any. She’s freaking adorable and she has that little girl voice that drives men crazy with desire and makes other women want to stab themselves in the eye.

Lace – Tricks Ben into giving her the first kiss. We’ll find out soon enough what a complete psycho she is.

Lauren R. – My DVR cut out here so I don’t know what happened during her exchange with Ben.

Shushanna – Speaks only Russian. But if you have half a brain, you know she must also speak English and will have to in order to stay on the show.

Leah – This was my least favorite entrance. She brings a football with her. Instead of tossing it around with Ben, she turns around, puts her ass in the air, yanks up her evening gown, and hikes him the ball. Way to keep it classy, sweetie.

JoJo – shows up with a unicorn mask on her head. Wasn’t really necessary. Her personality is down-to-earth and normal. She could have gotten by on that alone.

Lauren H. – There are seriously a lot of Laurens on this season. She throws him a bouquet that she caught at a wedding the previous weekend. *Yawn*

Laura “Red Velvet” – 4 Laurens and a Laura. I’m going to have to keep referring to my table for a while to keep these ladies straight. Laura actually seems like a really nice, sweet girl and I was sorry to see her go on the first night. She attributes it to the fact that she’s a natural redhead and I kind of have to agree with her because there’s absolutely no reason Ben should have sent her home the first night unless he just isn’t attracted to redheads. Oh, well. There are plenty of men who are so don’t despair, Red Velvet.

Mandi – Shows up with a giant rosebud on her head. Sadly, I think all she has to offer is gimmicks. Lace calls her crazy. Ha!

Emily and Haley – The twins. There is absolutely nothing remarkable about them aside from the fact that they’re twins. They’re beautiful but so are most of the other women. They claim that nothing can beat “this”. I assume they’re referring to the fact that they’re hot, they’re blonde, and they’re twins. Seriously, Netflix beats “this”. But I’m a woman and a total movie nerd (and general nerd) so I may not be seeing this from Ben’s perspective.

Maegan – Brings a miniature horse. She swears like a sailor. Claims she can compete with twins “with a f*cking mini horse.” No, she can’t but I like HER more than I like the twins. The horse is a silly prop. However, considering that Maegan is not the level of attractive most of the other women on the show are, I assume the horse is what got her on the show so kudos to her. She got her 15 seconds of fame.

Breanne – I take it back. THIS was my least favorite entrance. She’s a nutritional specialist obsessed with living a gluten-free life. She brings a basket of bread with her to “break bread” with Ben. Since bread is the new dietary evil of the 21st century, she proceeds to smash it on the driveway thus breaking it. If you want to eat a certain way that you feel is best for your health, knock yourself out. Eat rocks for all I care. But two things I don’t like being imposed on me: religion and what I eat. To food Nazis around the world, I say to you, SUCK IT! Glad she went home.

Isabel “Izzy” – She wears a onesie instead of an evening gown to find out if Ben is the “onesie” for her. Just bye. Dumbest pun ever and she threw away looking her best on night one to pull it off. Not surprised she went home.

Rachel – Comes in on a “hover board”. *Nerd note: a Segway without a handle is NOT a hover board. Hover boards use magnetic levitation to move around, not wheels.* Anyway, I’ve seen enough videos of these things now to last a lifetime. If she’d fallen, it might have been more entertaining but I wouldn’t wish harm on someone merely to increase my level of amusement (okay, depends on who but she seems nice).

Meanwhile inside the mansion, Lace claims she’s prettier than everyone else. I guess excessive amounts of wine acting on a solipsistic psycho brain makes one appear more attractive to oneself, rather than making everyone else appear more attractive.

Jessica – Jessica is really sweet and very pretty. I was disappointed to see her go home on night one.

Tiara – Chicken enthusiast. Ben thinks she’s beautiful but alas, she will go home.

Lauren “LB” (not to be confused with Lauren B. Oy.) – Her entrance is underwhelming.

Jackie – Jackie is a gerontologist. I looked it up because I couldn’t remember what it was but was pretty sure it had something to do with aging. A gerontologist studies “the social, psychological, cognitive, and biological aspects of aging.” Thanks, Wikipedia! Jackie gives Ben a save the date card for her and Ben for the finale of the season with the hashtag #ToHigginsAndToHold. I wish she’d given him some tips on longevity instead. Can we get some brainy entrances up in here already?

Olivia – 23-year-old news anchor. Best connection straight out of the limo. I predicted she would get the first impression rose and she did. However, it looks like she may be following in Britt’s footsteps after watching the season preview at the end of the show. She’ll be on the show for a while but looks like she may end up being this season’s real “villain”.

And Nick Viall agrees. If you’re a Nick V. fan, check out this after show he participated in. It’s a little over an hour long but well worth it. It was much more interesting to me than ABC’s after show. Brooks from Desiree’s season was on too so if you’re a Brooks fan (are there any?) you might want to check it out. I thought it was kind of funny watching introverted Nick get largely out-talked by a bunch of far less insightful extroverts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQk7vYCLnRo

Oh, man. It’s midnight on Tuesday and I’m only halfway through the show. I’ll pick it up again tomorrow on page 2.

Next up: The Cocktail Party, The Rose Ceremony, Lace and Ben don’t see “eye-to-eye”, and After Bachelor.

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