Bachelor 2016: Episode 1 Recap

The Cocktail Party

The girls are in consensus that Ben is hot. Yep. Best looking Bachelor of all time IMHO.

Lace stalks him on Instagram and Twitter. Well, that’s a shocker.

Rose hat, Mandi, (is it just me or does Mandi with an “i” sound more like a stripper name than a dentist’s name? And what does a dentist need with breast implants? Seems like they’d just get in the way…) immediately steals Ben mid-intro speech much to the dismay of the other woman.

Can we please stop pretending that contestants on these shows aren’t urged by producers to boldly steal the lead away anytime they damn well feel like it in order to create tension and drama? I’m just looking for a little intellectual honesty here.

The first thing Mandi wants to know is if Ben flosses. Yeah, cause that’s every woman’s first priority in looking for a future husband. She proceeds to give him a dental exam and gives him the green light, though thinks he needs to floss more. SMH.

Next up, Olivia and Ben have a great conversation. Ben seems really into her. But Olivia left her “full-time amazing” job as a news anchor to go on The Bachelor??? Okay, I like Ben and he’s definitely one of the better Bachelors but he’s hardly worth throwing one’s career away for. Couldn’t she just take a leave of absence?

Caila and Ben connect over both being software sales reps. I hope they have more in common than that.

Ben sits down with the twins. They say they’re gonna tell him the secret to how to tell them apart but the edit cuts to Jojo playing her homemade version of Pictionary to get Ben to guess where she’s from and what she does for a living (Dallas and she’s a house flipper). Was that really necessary? In her brief time with Ben, she managed to let him know where she’s from and what she does for a living, all which could have been said in under 20 seconds and instead probably took 5 minutes. I think Jojo needs to work on her time management skills.

Leah and Ben toss the football around, this time without her ass in the air.

Next Becca and Amber arrive to stir the pot. Chris Harrison gives them the seal of approval and they’re allowed in. The other women think they have an advantage. I’m not sure what that is. It’s not like Nick who arrived in the 4th episode. They showed up on night one like everyone else because they thought Ben was a good match for them.

I do think Becca may be a good match for Ben because faith is really important to both of them and an important part of who they are as people. It doesn’t get talked about a lot on the show but shared values is critical to the long term potential of a relationship. It’s not all that’s important but it matters and at least in this aspect, Ben and Becca are a good match so why shouldn’t she try to see if there was potential with him? I’m not sure why Amber is there. Didn’t she crush on like 3 people in the span of two weeks on Paradise?

Lace claims Becca has “one up” on everyone. Am I blind? I fail to see how she does unless she and Ben have met before. In that YouTube video I posted a link to where Nick Viall guest hosts, the woman on the panel claims the one up is the fact that Becca still has her “v-card”. We found out last season that Ben’s NOT a virgin so I really don’t think Becca being one is going to matter a whole hell of a lot to Ben.

Becca interrupts Ben and Laura H. and he seems blown away that Becca is there. He obviously recognizes her but Becca says this is the first time they’ve met. So what exactly is the edge Becca has? The fact that he knows of her already?

Lace does her best Glen Close imitation and spies on them through a crack in the door.

Later, Lace interrupts Ben with Jubilee. She asks him for another kiss, a “better” kiss (i.e. let’s play tonsil hockey). Ben says he wants to get to know everyone before getting caught up in the physical part of the process. Yep, he’s a keeper. I know this may surprise a lot of women out there but there are actually a lot of guys who do want to get to know a woman before sticking their tongue down her throat. I know because I date them. If you have not met one of these men, you should probably consider elevating your standards.

Mandi interrupts Ben mid-thought and Lace walks away feeling rejected. Lace under her breath: “That bitch.” Lace proceeds to start melting down faster than Chernobyl.

Ben comes back and retrieves Lace because he feels bad how he left things with Lace.  He lets her know that she’s very attractive but he wants to get to know her better. Instead of viewing this as the mark of a man with superior communication skills and consideration for the feelings of all the women who took time out of their lives to meet him, Lace views it as some kind of special treatment which causes a temporary cease to her meltdown but it is by no means over. And being drunk out of one’s mind does not cause someone to become an unhinged, self-obsessed, needy nut so she can’t blame it on the alcohol.

Lauren B. and Ben have a great and natural connection. She’ll make it to hometowns.

Jennifer and Ben also have a good connection.

The First Impression Rose

On Bachelor Live (AKA “After Bachelor”), Ben said he was torn between Jennifer and Olivia but he ended up giving the first impression rose to Olivia. Lace’s countdown to total meltdown resumes. She starts bitching about how Ben didn’t look her in the eye once when he came in the room. Yeah, and I’m sure he didn’t make eye contact with most everyone else either. You are competing with 27 other women, honey. How do people get this self-centered? It’s both obnoxious and terrifying.

The Rose Ceremony

Women receive roses in the following order:

1. Lauren B.
2. LB
3. Caila
4. Amber
5. Jami
6. Jennifer
7. Jubilee
8. Amanda
9. JoJo
10. Leah
11. Rachel
12. Samantha
13. Jackie
14. Haley
15. Emily
16. Shushanna
17. Lauren H.
18. Becca
19. Mandi
20. Lace (Ooo. Burn. Last to get a rose. Lace not happy.)

Breanne, Laura, Lauren R., Tiara, Maegan, Jessica, and Isabel go home. The moral of the story is don’t be a food Nazi, don’t wear pajamas to a black tie affair to make a bad pun, and cool animals don’t make up for excessive use of bad language and lack of physical attraction.

I was disappointed to see Jessica and Laura go home. Both seem like really sweet girls.

Breanne cries about her missed opportunity claiming she’s “been through so much.” This is so tired and I’ve heard it so much from contestants that leave the first night. A lot of people have been through a lot of sh*t in their lives. Going through bad sh*t does not give you a free pass to the winner’s circle of life whenever you decide you want to cash in the bad stuff for something you view as good stuff. People don’t always get what they deserve. Most people just get what they get. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. That’s life. When you really comprehend that and learn to accept it and be grateful for what you have, you are officially a grownup.

Next, Lace unwisely decides to confront Ben about his lack of eye contact with her after giving the first impression rose to Olivia. Ben: “I want to be clear. The issue is that I didn’t make eye contact with you during the rose ceremony?” Yep, Ben. You heard right. She’s THAT batsh*t. Ben probably had a lot on his mind at the moment but if I were him, I would have taken the rose back that moment and gotten Chris Harrison to bring Jessica or Laura back. But I’m sure that wasn’t an option since Lace is going to be stirring up drama for the show until her inevitable departure sometime within the next 3 weeks. So strap in, people. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Preview

A lot of women are going to tell Ben they love him. Jubilee may make it further than any other black woman in the history of the franchise but she will not make it to hometowns. Olivia is going to be the long term villain.

Predictions

Ben will get engaged.

Top 4: Lauren B., Amanda, JoJo, and then the fourth spot I think will go to one of these four:  Jennifer, Becca, Olivia, or Caila.

Based on first impressions, I think Ben will choose Lauren B. but that may change in the coming weeks as I get to know the women more and how they interact with Ben.

I think the next Bachelorette will be either Amanda, Jennifer, or JoJo. Amanda is super cute and sweet but seems to lack the backbone that former Bachelorettes have had. She’s also really young. Jennifer seems like she’s got her act together and could definitely keep 25 men in line. JoJo seems like middle ground between Amanda and Jennifer.

Bachelor Live (which I will from here on out refer to as “After Bachelor”)

Guests: Diablo Cody and Lauren Lapkus

Both guests complain about Ben not kissing on the premiere. Eh. Whatever. Keep being a prude, Ben. I’m all about it.

Diablo’s Bachelor Fantasy Draft: Caila, Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B.

Lauren’s Bachelor Fantasy Draft: Samantha, Amanda, Jami, Haley

One of the twins is going to injure herself in the next couple of weeks and Ben and Chris were able to tell the difference between them based on the fact that one of them had a bandaged thumb.

Diablo lets us know the “true” definition of a unicorn (at least according to urban dictionary): A bisexual woman who will sleep with a male/female couple, no strings attached. I love Diablo. I think she may be a little R-rated for Bachelor talk but this franchise could use a little more naughty and a little less nice.

Ben finally shows up as the voting opens for America’s Bachelor Fantasy Draft.

Abigail Breslin Skypes in to talk about the show. She asks Ben why he keeps calling the girls, “young ladies”. Um, who cares? Thanks for your incisive interview, Abigail. I loved Little Miss Sunshine but Next!

America’s Bachelor Fantasy Draft: Becca, Lauren B., Caila, Olivia

So basically America chose my pick for Ben and 3 of my alternates. Bring it, America. (Do we put black marks under our eyes to prepare for battle when choosing fantasy draft picks? I’m down.)

We get a look at the alleged “Bachelor Undies” that Jason, Sean and Chris gave him as they “passed the torch”. How un-clever and kind of gross when they were talking about the various stains on the underwear made by each of the former Bachelors. Chris Harrison assures Ben that penicillin will clear “that right up” when Ben says he’s still wearing the underwear.

Next is a segment called “This Week in Bachelor History”: Jessie Palmer called the wrong woman at the rose ceremony??? Okay. Understandable. But did he really need to mention it to her? He should have just kept his mouth shut and let her go the next week. It’s not like the woman he wanted to keep was going to be his wife or he would have made sure to remember her name. I’m actually glad I missed that season. He seems like a dumb meathead and those are my least favorite types of men.

Ben is asked whom he would have given a second first impression rose: Jennifer.

America thinks the horse made the most memorable entrance. Well, given our fascination with cat videos, that shouldn’t really surprise me.

News from Bachelor Nation:

Nikki, Juan Pablo’s final choice, has a new beau and is engaged. Wow. That was fast. It’s only been a year since she and JP split. I remember she announced the breakup at the premiere party for Chris Soules’ season.

Pomegranate aficionado, Ashley Salter is also engaged. What? Didn’t Paradise end in July??? So she managed to find a guy and get engaged to him in a span of 5 months? Well, I guess that’s a little hypocritical of me given my prediction that Jade and Tanner will definitely get married even though they only knew each other 3 weeks before getting engaged.

And Whitney Bischoff, Chris Soules’ choice and castoff, has a new man. Thankfully, she returned to her career after she and Chris broke up.

Kaitlyn and Shawn

I predicted Kaitlyn and Shawn would not get married after last year’s finale and I stand by that. First, holy spray tan, batman! Kaitlyn looks a little like an Oompa Loompa. Kaitlyn claims they’re good but their body language is saying something else. Kaitlyn seems like she’s trying to squirm out of Shawn’s embrace, their legs are crossed away from each other. Last thing I heard they were definitely planning a wedding. Now, they’re trying not to rush things. Uh huh.

And finally, we get another preview of Lace’s “50 Shades of Crazy”.

By an overwhelming majority, America voted that Ben should have taken Lace’s rose back after she confronted him about the eye contact issue.

Alright, see you guys next week.

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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about Bachelor in Paradise.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.
Chris Harrison’s Blog – I don’t think he actually writes it but his ghost writer is damn clever.

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