Bachelor 2016: Episode 10 Recap

Bachelor 2016 Episode 10: B*tch Week

(AKA The Women Tell All)

Hi, Bachelor Nation.

Thank you all for your patience and support while I’m battling this cursed kidney infection.

Also, so grateful for all the comments I received on my Fantasy Suite Week blog. I forgot to respond to a latecomer so I’ll do it now: Laci, you’re right. Auto-correct is a tool of the devil. I’m sorry you had to comment twice because of it. Thank you for your feedback! 🙂

FYI, you guys can check out my first Ask Emily post here. I posted it earlier to give you something to read while I was writing my recap.

And now, on to business.

This is what I was like in my head the whole time leading up to Olivia’s turn in the hot seat:

And this is what I looked like while Amber and Amber 2 Point OMG-I-don’t-care-about-anything-you’re-saying were talking:

And this is what Olivia was like the whole time leading up to her turn in the hot seat:

And the lady with the chicken was like…

Were Rose Hat and Miniature Horse Wrangler unavailable?

Chris and Ben’s Viewing Panty Raids (SIC – you know they got some)

• One of the women hosting a viewing party got into The Bachelor because of her husband… because you know, it’s like WAY better than fantasy football. Uh… okay. Did he get her interested in Project Runway too?

Just kidding! I know plenty of straight guys who watch The Bachelor. Plenty…  😉

• One viewing group made a “Hare for the Right Reasons” carrot cake with Chris Harrison as the “Hare”. Bachelor Nation is so punny. I like the abs they photoshopped on him… Wait a sec… did Chris pay one of the interns to whip up that cake and plant it at the party? I’m on to you Harrison…
• The last party they raid is full of cute 20-something girls.
  Ben: “I’m surrounded by 40 screaming women.” Such a new experience for him.

The Bitchfest Begins

A couple of girls start in on Olivia right away but Sheila the chicken has got O’s back and interrupts them.

Next, Leah gets the spotlight. Becca’s annoyed because Leah lied to her face. *yawn*

Jubilee

The Ambers get on Jubilee’s case about her claiming to be the “real” black woman on the show.

Did Jubilee actually say that? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Do I care?

Race warfare between black women about who’s the blackest is item #3672 on my list of petty bullsh*t (it’s a really long list – there are only about 20 items on my list of important sh*t. ACTUAL racism is one of them).

I will say this. There is no such thing as “full black” unless you go to Nairobi or something. Almost everyone born in this country who has enough black in them to be considered “black” is mixed race. And if you go back far enough, we all have black ancestors. So am I black? Should I be butt hurt about Jubilee’s comments too?

Maybe we should stop talking about how black a “black” person is (this is not the first instance I’ve heard people discussing this issue – just last week it was controversial that Zoe Saldana was cast to play Nina Simone because she had to alter her skin tone and put on a prosthetic nose – something white actors do all the time – in order to play the role. #OscarsSoWhite but God forbid a black woman play a historical black icon whose skin happened to be a few shades darker than hers) and start talking about the important societal issues that face the African American community as a general whole like institutional racism and systemic poverty. #PrioritiesPeople #F*ckThePCPolice

Jubilee gets put in the hot seat. The thing that actually bugs me about Jubilee is that she thinks she so damn complex. What happened to her as a child was really rough but she’s not complex. She’s insecure. Nothing a year of therapy couldn’t help alleviate. We all have scars that will never go away but they don’t have to remain open wounds.

List of ACTUAL complex women who have been on The Bachelor:

1. Sharleen Joynt

Yep, that’s it. Sorry, ladies of the Bachelor franchise, but the rest of you have been downright ordinary (aside from those of you who are batsh*t but that list is far too long to publish here).

Lace

Good news! Lace has stopped using the word crazy to describe herself.

But you know who is DEFINITELY crazy? That dude who had Lace’s face tattooed on his side.

(True story: When I Googled “creeper” Shawn B.’s photo popped up in the results.)

Olivia

FINALLY!! Let’s get this party started!

I wanna talk smart things! Come at me, bro!

Ooooo… Olivia knows what the word “tumultuous” means. I know that may not seem like much of a accomplishment but compared to contestants like Emily who can’t identify a swan, Olivia might as well be Einstein.

Olivia says she owns up to a lot of the things she did wrong. Cut to a clip of Amanda looking at Emily and giggling like Queen Mean and I’m thinking…

NO ONE F*CKS WITH MY OLIVIA!!!

Amanda said Olivia said guys should be running the other way because Amanda has kids. I don’t remember her saying that. I remember her saying that kids are not what she thought Ben wanted but I don’t recall her saying anything remotely like guys should be running the other way. I don’t think Olivia remembers it either ’cause this was her face, literally:

Then Amanda gets all self-righteous about being a mom and mockingly says being a mom is “her jam” which is greeted by thunderous applause by the audience.

No offense to moms, but Olivia apologized multiple times for her teen mom comment, I don’t think she ever actually made a blanket statement that men should run away from Amanda because she’s a mother, and Amanda is taking what Olivia actually said way too much to heart. Why does Olivia’s opinion matter so much when Amanda obviously dislikes her so greatly?

Oh, hold the phone! Thing 2 has something to say. It’s sure to be epically interesting and important so let’s all quiet down and listen…

Haley: I’m so tired of you saying you didn’t bully us girls… I was wearing a low-cut short romper [romp·er ˈrämpər, noun  1. a young child’s one-piece outer garment. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! How appropriate!] ’cause, oh well, I look good in it… you were wearing this high-cut dress and saying you were wife material so you couldn’t wear low-cut things, basically calling me a slut…

Olivia’s face be like…

…’cause she doesn’t remember saying that sh*t either (probably ’cause she didn’t or we would have seen it)…

…and then Thing 1 chimes in: You said something about Amanda only being on the show because she had a sob story… that’s bullying…

And then LEAH, unlikely voice of reason, says: But you did it right back to her…

Emily interrupts: That’s beyond the point!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh, the hypocrisy! (BTW, it’s “beside the point”, Emily, not “beyond the point”… twit.)

Amanda, Twins, I regret to inform you but:

• You’re not smart.
• You’re not different.
• You’re not special.
• You’re just mean.

But that was a pretty entertaining exchange, I have to admit.

Next, Olivia gives a very reasonable explanation as to why she didn’t perceive herself as sabotaging anyone else but tried to get time with Ben when she could because her relationship with Ben was her priority over allowing others to get time with him (the heinous – HEINOUS I TELL YOU! – crime committed by all Bachelor/ette villains).

Then Jennifer tells Olivia that if she had just gotten off her high horse and tried to make friends with them, she would have realized that they all like to read books and talk smart things too.

Speak for yourself, Jennifer. Your IQ is probably higher than the twins’ combined.

Sorry, but I just don’t see a lot of readers in this group of women.

And, now, the moment I’ve been waiting for. The true Olivia is revealed, the one I told you about weeks ago, the introvert, the girl who was bullied her whole childhood for not fitting in, the girl you think has everything but actually has been through hell. How did I know? Because I AM Olivia. I’m older and wiser and was probably more mature than she is at her age but I GET Olivia because she is my kindred. But let’s hear it in her own words:

Olivia: I was not comfortable in that setting. That was not the right setting for my personality type at all. And people say, “How can you be a public figure and be an introvert?” And I just… I am. I was severely bullied as a child. Severely. I was bullied really badly and there were so many moments where it took me back to being in elementary school and walking into a room and just silence. I felt like everyone was staring at me.

And then Olivia breaks down in tears and feels compelled to apologize to the morons in the room and at home who think ill of her for doing virtually nothing compared to what was done to her. Yes, she WAS bullied. Not just by the other women on the show but by the producers and the editors who took advantage of her social ineptitude to turn her into this season’s villain. This quote is dedicated to Olivia and to all of you reading this now. Even if the whole world tells you you’re wrong, it doesn’t make it true:

Next Up: Everyone Else I Don’t Care About and Ben

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