Bachelor In Paradise 2015: Week Two Recap

08/11/201509/15/2015 by Emily Condit

Joshua and Tenley’s Date

Joshua and Tenley go for a night on the town.

At dinner, we find out Josh majored in theater and his favorite role was playing the village idiot in Twelfth Night. I like Josh but playing the village idiot doesn’t seem like much of an artistic stretch for him.

We also find out Tenley has played Disney princesses at Disneyland and Disney Tokyo. Also, not much of a stretch.

Josh thinks Tokyo is in China. The village idiot was DEFINITELY not much of a stretch.

J.J. is convinced Joshua is going home this week: “Joshua doesn’t have game so I’m not worried. He doesn’t have moves.”

Cut to Josh sticking his tongue down Tenley’s throat on a dance floor in a sleazy bar somewhere in Mexico.

When they return from the date, J.J. steals Tenley away and makes out with her. We can tell she’s really not into it after the crazy good time she just had with Josh but J.J. can’t.

J.J. heads for bed after their makeout session convinced he’s got Tenley in the bag: “My threat level with Josh is negative infinity. I’m playing chess. Josh is playing tic tac toe.”

Actually, he’s playing a serious game of tonsil hockey with Tenley in one of the other bedrooms.

The next day, Joshua lets slip that he enjoys a drug called “Molly” on occasion. I Googled it. I guess that’s what the kids are calling ecstasy these days. “Ex” wasn’t sexy enough? Sheesh. Get off my lawn.

Mikey and Dan pull Tenley aside and let her know about Josh’s fondness for hallucinogens.

She’s really upset because she has a history of ignoring red flags others see in her gentlemen friends and she wants to make sure she isn’t repeating a pattern with Joshua. Boy, between the junkie and the unemployed cheater, Tenley really does know how to pick ’em.

Joe and Juelia’s Date

Joe and Juelia go horseback riding to a secluded waterfall. They talk for a little bit near the falls and Joe does a really pro job of pretending to be genuinely interested in Juelia’s life. Jonathan is convinced Joe is just using Juelia to get a rose. He is but at least he’s showing her a good time to get it.

I feel bad for Juelia though. She seems really sweet and she’s a single mom. Joe’s kind of a dick for doing that to her but southern charm does tend to be superficial.

Joe leaves nothing in the tank trying to get that rose. They jump into the waterfall together and he lays the same Kentucky smoke on her that he did on Kaitlyn only it works on Juelia.

When they get back from their date, Juelia is super-excited. She tells everyone how much fun she had while Joe is really low key about it. REALLY low key.

We get the real story from Joe a little later during a conversation between him and a producer.

Before I get to that, I should mention that Tenley confronts Joshua about “Molly”. He downplays it claiming it was only one time at a bachelor party in Vegas and he didn’t see what all the fuss was about it. Oh, Josh. Et tu? First Joe and now you? I thought you were the good guys.

I hope Tenley sees through Josh’s B.S. She seems like a nice girl.

Joe’s True Colors?

Here’s the full partial conversation that they showed us between Joe and a female producer:

Joe:”She’s not very smart is she?”

Producer: “Who?”

Joe: “Julie.”

Producer: “Do you feel fine with how the date went?”

Joe: “It was great. It just wasn’t with the right person.”

Producer: “How was the kiss?”

Joe: “Wasn’t good.”

Producer: “Why did you end up letting her kiss you?”

Joe: “I wanted the rose.”

Producer: “What’s your ideal scenario from here on out?”

Joe: “I get a rose from Juelia and Sam comes in [we go out on a date], fall in love, and have babies.” Here we find out that Joe was hoping Samantha from Chris’s season would be there when he arrived so he could have given his date card to her. I don’t even remember anyone named Samantha. Production must have talked her up pretty good to Joe.

Okay. I just Googled her. Now I remember her. She was very soft-spoken and elegant. Joe doesn’t have a chance.

Producer: “You really need to say all of this to Juelia.”

It looks like Joe shakes his head i.e. his lips are sealed.

And then Joe lets one rip.

Producer: “Joe! If you’re going to do that, at least close your legs.”

Joe looks at her like, “What’s the big deal?” I’m sure the editors included that just to make Joe look bad but let’s remember that Joe is the same guy who was comfortable with one of his balls hanging out of his sumo diaper for several hours on the sumo date on Kaitlyn’s season. He’s not really one to give a damn what people think and he’s living in super close quarters with these people 24/7. I don’t think he realized that conversation was being recorded and if he can’t let it out when he’s not on camera, when can he?

I don’t think less of Joe for farting in front of a producer who’s all up in his business non-stop. I do think less of him for leading Juelia on though just to get to meet Samantha. That’s f’d up.

I haven’t mentioned this yet but Ashley I. is cuckoo for cocoa puffs (emphasis on the cuckoo) over Jared. She’s already cried multiple times over him and is convinced he’s the man of her dreams.

But Jared’s just not that into her. They’re coupled up by default but when Jared gets the date card, he immediately asks Clare to go with him.

Ashley and Mikey are devastated. Ashley predictably cries buckets off in a corner somewhere and Mikey gets pissed off and yells at Clare which is totally unreasonable considering how hard everyone has been trying to warn him about giving into his feelings for Clare, including Clare. He accuses her of being disrespectful and dishonest.

Dude, she’s been nice to you but I’m pretty sure she turned you down for a kiss last week and she definitely let you know she was in Paradise to explore relationships and didn’t want to couple up so fast. Take a bloody hint, man.

Jared seems oblivious to the devastation he’s caused by asking Clare out but no one else is, least of all J.J.: “Jared’s taking the role of master villain away from me.” Yeah, you wish. One, you were never a “master” villain, more of a villain’s henchman but you are a douche so one day if you work really hard you might achieve master villain status so dream big, buddy, and two, Jared asked a girl he likes out on a date. Hardly evil.

Week 2: Episode 2

Wow. Holy Joe Drama, Batman.

But before we get to that there are some other things to cover.

Mikey and Ashley are still irrationally upset over their love interests going on a date together.

Mikey claims Clare was vague when she said she wanted to keep things open. WTH do you think “open” means, Mikey?

Clare and Jared go on their date. They sail on a yacht and then bungee jump off a crane over the sea together. It seems like the two of them are really hitting it off. Clare is definitely into Jared: “It’s been a long time since I’ve had the comfort of a man… my whole body was shaking.”

No, she’s not talking about sex. She’s talking about being wrapped around Jared while dangling from a bungee cord.

I think Jared was into Clare when the date started but as we’ll see a little later, Clare might be a little insane despite the emotional growth she’s displayed since the beginning of her time on this franchise which is why I appreciate her.

When Clare gets back from the date, she raves to a couple of the other girls about how awesome the date was and how into Jared she is. Ashley I. can hear her and is upset. She cries (you could rehydrate California with Ashley and Lauren’s tears) and claims not to want to hear it but makes no attempt to remove herself from earshot of Clare’s romantic tale. I’m sure the grounds are big enough that she could have found a way not to hear any more of the story but I think deep down she really did want to know what was going on.

Michael from Desiree’s season shows up with a date card. I remember his face so well but something makes me think he did something slightly scandalous. I can’t recall what though. Anyway, he’s a total smoke show. So hot.

Okay, I just Googled him and it turns out he didn’t do anything villainous on Desiree’s season. I think I may be confusing him with Ryan M. from Kaitlyn’s season. They have some similarities in appearance but Michael is WAY better looking.

Michael is there specifically for Tenley so he zeroes in on her and asks her out. She accepts. Was there really another option? J.J. finally has a moment of lucidity and realizes that a good-looking corporate lawyer is actually a threat to his chances with Tenley. Little does he know he’s now third on the totem pole.

Michael and Tenley have dinner on a terrace that’s covered in water. They’re barefoot and Tenley’s wearing a long, informal gown. I’m sorry but I don’t care how romantic it looks, I don’t want to have dinner in inch deep in water and have my dress dragging through it.

Things go swimmingly (pun intended) and Tenley ends up kissing her third guy in a matter of days. Yes, it seems like it’s been a week but really it’s been only a couple of days since all of these people landed in paradise.

At the end of their date, Michael and Tenley are serenaded by a massive Mariachi band. It sounds romantic, looks romantic, but I bet they could barely hear each other over the commotion.

Things get crazy right before the rose ceremony.

Jared breaks the news to Clare that he doesn’t know where his head is at and her being 8 years older than he is is a factor for him. Honestly, this was so soon after Jared got his heart broken by Kaitlyn, I don’t think Jared knows which way is up. I don’t think he’s into anyone and I don’t think anyone is a good match for him so far. It may just not be the right time for him but I definitely see him as a higher caliber of relationship material than most of the people on the show right now. I’m rooting for him and for Tenley. Not necessarily as a couple. They both just seem like good people.

Clare’s crazy slips out. She loses her composure as she realizes that her third chance at love on reality TV isn’t going to work out. She publicly and embarrassingly accuses the other contestants of not being on the show to find love. She goes on a rant about how no one ever asks her what makes her happy and it’s the Clare show.

Hey, Clare. No one ever asks me what makes me happy either. I’m pretty sure almost zero adults get asked what makes them happy on any kind of regular basis. Why do you think you would fare better than the rest of us? Get it together, girl. I know you’re emotional but it’s not all about you. Sorry things didn’t work out with Jared but it’s not the end of the world. It’s just bad form to take out your frustration about that situation on innocent bystanders.

Clare is pissed though and starts internally combusting. Ashley I. is over the moon watching Clare’s quick descent into madness. This is her third time trying to find love on one of these shows and she’s not getting any younger. And if you can’t find love on a two-bit reality show, where can you find it?

Mikey makes a last-ditch effort to get Juelia’s rose by telling her Joe isn’t into her and trying to kiss her. Juelia’s having none of it.

Jonathan tries to save the only relationship he’s invested in since being on Bachelor in Paradise by telling Juelia that Joe’s not that into her.

Now, Juelia has something to really think about it. If one guy’s trying to get your rose by throwing the guy you’re into under the bus, that’s one thing. But if two guys do it? Then you really need to think about what they’re saying.

Juelia confronts Joe about his intentions and lets him know what Jonathan and Mikey told her. Joe butters her up and then seals the deal with another Kentucky smoked kiss. Juelia is back on board.

Behind the scenes, we hear Joe talking about how pissed he is at Jonathan and Mikey. He says he’d like to bash Jonathan’s skull until his brains are oozing out and he’d like to take a pair of brass knuckles to Mikey’s face. Holy crap. I, and I think many in Bachelor nation, are now forced to come to grips with the fact that Joe is a bona fide psychopath. This is very disappointing. I really liked Joe.

Next, Joe confronts Mikey and Jonathan and smooth talks THEM into believing he’s really into Juelia. He even manipulates Jonathan into confessing to Juelia that his words about Joe were just his desperate attempt to stay in the game. Jonathan suddenly jumps to the top of the list of likeable people when he goes off into his room and cries over going against his own integrity. And as if Joe needed to do anything more to solidify his deal with Juelia, he follows Jonathan and hugs him and tells him he’s proud of him the way Jonathan would be proud of his son if he owned up to his sh*t.

Back behind the scenes, Joe brags about how he made Jonathan and Mikey his bitches.

I think it’s pretty clear that Joe is capable of some serious mind f*cking as well as potentially violent behavior. So why didn’t we see any of this on Kaitlyn’s season? There was that little skirmish at the end when they broke up but it seemed relatively harmless. He thought he was in love with her and she just broke up with him. So he got a little pissy. Not the most mature way to handle it but also not indicative of psychopathic behavior.

Chris Harrison can play innocent all he wants while the cameras are on but the contestants go through extensive psych testing before coming on the shows. There’s no way someone didn’t know about Joe if how he’s being portrayed now is a more accurate reflection of who he is than when he was on The Bachelorette. He either is a psychopath and they knew it or they got him to pretend to be one. Either way, we were manipulated big time by production.

The Rose Ceremony

Before the ceremony begins, Jade calls Clare out and lets her know in the sweetest most rational way possible that what Clare said earlier was offensive and that she’s gotten to know a lot of people there and they’re there to find love. Just because things aren’t going well for Clare doesn’t mean the rest of them are there for the wrong reasons.

Carly, Jade, Ashley S., and Tenley give out their roses to Kirk, Tanner, Dan, and Joshua (how did Joshua beat out Michael???) before Clare loses her sh*t. She interrupts the rose ceremony and walks out. Chris Harrison goes after her.

Everyone at the ceremony starts in on her while she’s gone about craving attention, etc. Really? You all went on TV to hang out on the beach, makeout with a bunch of strangers, and be filmed doing it 24/7 yet Clare is the only one craving attention? It annoys me no end when people on reality TV accuse other people of craving attention. You’re all a bunch of attention whores, even those of you I like so stop being so damned hypocritical.

Chris tells Clare to pull it together and then we get another “To Be Continued”. Seriously? I am sick to death of these cliff hangers. We’re still going to watch the show whether you delay the rose ceremony or not so why don’t you stop stop annoying your audience and finish the freaking rose ceremonies, ABC? This is really getting old.

Next: After Paradise

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