Cocktail Party
Sarah’s into Vinny and seems to be trying to steal him away from Izzy. Vinny seems to be into her. He kisses Sarah but Izzy isn’t going down without a fight. She steals Vinny back and reminds him who stuck her tongue down his throat first.
Leah pulls Nick aside to try and get his rose but he straight up tells her that he’s more interested in Amanda. Love him or hate him, you’ve got to give Nick props for being direct.
Without the possibility of getting a nose from Nick, Leah whores herself out to any chump she thinks might fall for a little bit of cleavage and some ass-kissing. And that chump turns out to be Daniel. Leah thinks she nailed it but in a surprise twist, Daniel falls for none of it.
Later, Daniel attempts to discover the hidden depths of the twins but discovers they’re so dumb (and, remember, this is Daniel we’re talking about) he indicates that talking to them is making him suicidal. This is how I feel whenever a Hemily opens her mouth.
Daniel decides to stop talking to the idiot sisters and start talking to Sarah who has a little more going on upstairs.
Rose Ceremony
It only took 3 hours over a span of 8 days into the Bachelor in Paradise 2016 season but we have finally reached a rose ceremony.
- Grant –<–{@ Lace
- Nick –<–{@ Amanda
- Evan –<–{@ Carly
- Jared –<–{@ Emily/Haley
- Vinny –<–{@ Izzy
- Daniel –<–{@ Sarah
Jubilee and Overconfident Leah go home.
Jubilee is disgusted with herself for ever liking somebody who would be interested in the twins. I would certainly be able to empathize with that sentiment if it happened to me.
Leah is, well, Leah. Shady, self-centered. Can’t believe Daniel didn’t fall for her. Doesn’t seem to realize she temporarily looks like a sea witch which is probably why no one was interested, blah blah blah.
The Day After
It’s a new week in Paradise. The women have the power and new guys are coming in. The guys have the date cards and will be asking out the girls.
Enter: Josh Murray, the biggest tool in the history of bachelordom.
I think as soon as Nick agreed to be on Bachelor in Paradise the first thing the producers did was call Josh and invite him to return to the show. What kind of Bachelor season featuring Nick Viall would it be if there wasn’t someone there to steal the girl he liked out from under him?
All the girls seem to think that Josh is the hottest thing ever. Even my boyfriend thinks he’s a good looking guy. To me he looks like Bert from Sesame Street (but Bert has a better personality).
Josh interviews the girls to see which one he wants to take on his date. Of course, he picks Amanda. The producers would have voided his contract if he didn’t.
Nick says he looks pitiful for the second time on national television. Since when does Nick care about what other people think? Oh, and BTW, I think this is the third time he looks pitiful on national television if we’re going by the metric of Nick having his girl toy stolen by a dumb jock on a reality show (Josh took Andi, Shawn took Kaitlyn, Josh took Amanda).
Evan is really into Carly but Carly worries that he’s too feminine. We find out one of her first boyfriends turned out to be gay. Don’t feel bad, Carly. One of my ex-boyfriend’s is gay too. I like guys who are in touch with their feminine side. Maybe not THAT in touch with their feminine side (the Tori Amos CDs and 100+ pairs of shoes really should have tipped me off) but definitely leaning towards androgyny rather than neanderthal-esque masculinity.
Evan asks Carly on a date. She accepts despite the bad kiss they shared.
Evan and Carly’s date
Instead of having a nice romantic dinner with drinks, Evan and Carly are going to attempt to break the world record for longest, hottest kiss. They have to eat 1 habanero pepper each and lock lips for at least 90 seconds. I don’t think I could pull that off with someone I wanted to kiss let alone with someone I didn’t.
After assaulting our eyeballs for 101 seconds, Carly and Evan break the world record. Was this really a record or did the Bachelor producers make this up so they could make us all squirm in our seats?
Both Evan and Carly rush to the bathroom afterward. Carly definitely threw up. Was it the pepper or Evan?
Back at Herpes beach, Jared and Emily try to carry on a conversation. While Jared is talking about something Emily doesn’t understand, Emily tries to get Jared to kiss her. She uses all her best tricks inspired by Cher Horowitz.
Jared finally goes in for the kiss when Emily has given up and is walking away. Talk about Clueless. Sorry. Couldn’t resist.
Amanda and Josh return from their date. Josh and Nick get into a squabble.
Josh accuses Nick of trying to stir up drama, an accusation that’s completely unfounded in this case. Then, just to rub it in his face, Josh tells Nick that he and Amanda had an amazing time on their date “just so he knows”.
Josh and Amanda then make out right in front of Nick and I don’t know if Amanda was moaning but Josh definitely was, very likely for Nick’s benefit. Josh and his ego need to get a room.
The least Amanda could’ve done to be respectful of Nick’s feelings was to pull him aside and say she was more interested in pursuing something with Josh than with him. Instead, she inadvertently rubs more salt in Nick’s wound by vigorously devouring Josh’s face right in front of him. I don’t think she meant to be cruel. I think she’s just oblivious and selfish like 99.9% of the contestants on the Bachelor shows.
I don’t know how Nick is going to survive the next rose ceremony but I’m certain he will because he’s ratings gold. Maybe Haley will throw him a bone. Or Carly. You’ll probably already know by the time you read this since it’s taken me so damned long to get this post written.
Next: BIP Episode 2 and After Paradise
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