Cocktail Party
Sarah’s into Vinny and seems to be trying to steal him away from Izzy. Vinny seems to be into her. He kisses Sarah but Izzy isn’t going down without a fight. She steals Vinny back and reminds him who stuck her tongue down his throat first.
Leah pulls Nick aside to try and get his rose but he straight up tells her that he’s more interested in Amanda. Love him or hate him, you’ve got to give Nick props for being direct.
Without the possibility of getting a nose from Nick, Leah whores herself out to any chump she thinks might fall for a little bit of cleavage and some ass-kissing. And that chump turns out to be Daniel. Leah thinks she nailed it but in a surprise twist, Daniel falls for none of it.
Later, Daniel attempts to discover the hidden depths of the twins but discovers they’re so dumb (and, remember, this is Daniel we’re talking about) he indicates that talking to them is making him suicidal. This is how I feel whenever a Hemily opens her mouth.
Daniel decides to stop talking to the idiot sisters and start talking to Sarah who has a little more going on upstairs.
Rose Ceremony
It only took 3 hours over a span of 8 days into the Bachelor in Paradise 2016 season but we have finally reached a rose ceremony.
- Grant –<–{@ Lace
- Nick –<–{@ Amanda
- Evan –<–{@ Carly
- Jared –<–{@ Emily/Haley
- Vinny –<–{@ Izzy
- Daniel –<–{@ Sarah
Jubilee and Overconfident Leah go home.
Jubilee is disgusted with herself for ever liking somebody who would be interested in the twins. I would certainly be able to empathize with that sentiment if it happened to me.
Leah is, well, Leah. Shady, self-centered. Can’t believe Daniel didn’t fall for her. Doesn’t seem to realize she temporarily looks like a sea witch which is probably why no one was interested, blah blah blah.
The Day After
It’s a new week in Paradise. The women have the power and new guys are coming in. The guys have the date cards and will be asking out the girls.
Enter: Josh Murray, the biggest tool in the history of bachelordom.
I think as soon as Nick agreed to be on Bachelor in Paradise the first thing the producers did was call Josh and invite him to return to the show. What kind of Bachelor season featuring Nick Viall would it be if there wasn’t someone there to steal the girl he liked out from under him?
All the girls seem to think that Josh is the hottest thing ever. Even my boyfriend thinks he’s a good looking guy. To me he looks like Bert from Sesame Street (but Bert has a better personality).
Josh interviews the girls to see which one he wants to take on his date. Of course, he picks Amanda. The producers would have voided his contract if he didn’t.
Nick says he looks pitiful for the second time on national television. Since when does Nick care about what other people think? Oh, and BTW, I think this is the third time he looks pitiful on national television if we’re going by the metric of Nick having his girl toy stolen by a dumb jock on a reality show (Josh took Andi, Shawn took Kaitlyn, Josh took Amanda).
Evan is really into Carly but Carly worries that he’s too feminine. We find out one of her first boyfriends turned out to be gay. Don’t feel bad, Carly. One of my ex-boyfriend’s is gay too. I like guys who are in touch with their feminine side. Maybe not THAT in touch with their feminine side (the Tori Amos CDs and 100+ pairs of shoes really should have tipped me off) but definitely leaning towards androgyny rather than neanderthal-esque masculinity.
Evan asks Carly on a date. She accepts despite the bad kiss they shared.
Evan and Carly’s date
Instead of having a nice romantic dinner with drinks, Evan and Carly are going to attempt to break the world record for longest, hottest kiss. They have to eat 1 habanero pepper each and lock lips for at least 90 seconds. I don’t think I could pull that off with someone I wanted to kiss let alone with someone I didn’t.
After assaulting our eyeballs for 101 seconds, Carly and Evan break the world record. Was this really a record or did the Bachelor producers make this up so they could make us all squirm in our seats?
Both Evan and Carly rush to the bathroom afterward. Carly definitely threw up. Was it the pepper or Evan?
Back at Herpes beach, Jared and Emily try to carry on a conversation. While Jared is talking about something Emily doesn’t understand, Emily tries to get Jared to kiss her. She uses all her best tricks inspired by Cher Horowitz.
Jared finally goes in for the kiss when Emily has given up and is walking away. Talk about Clueless. Sorry. Couldn’t resist.
Amanda and Josh return from their date. Josh and Nick get into a squabble.
Josh accuses Nick of trying to stir up drama, an accusation that’s completely unfounded in this case. Then, just to rub it in his face, Josh tells Nick that he and Amanda had an amazing time on their date “just so he knows”.
Josh and Amanda then make out right in front of Nick and I don’t know if Amanda was moaning but Josh definitely was, very likely for Nick’s benefit. Josh and his ego need to get a room.
The least Amanda could’ve done to be respectful of Nick’s feelings was to pull him aside and say she was more interested in pursuing something with Josh than with him. Instead, she inadvertently rubs more salt in Nick’s wound by vigorously devouring Josh’s face right in front of him. I don’t think she meant to be cruel. I think she’s just oblivious and selfish like 99.9% of the contestants on the Bachelor shows.
I don’t know how Nick is going to survive the next rose ceremony but I’m certain he will because he’s ratings gold. Maybe Haley will throw him a bone. Or Carly. You’ll probably already know by the time you read this since it’s taken me so damned long to get this post written.
Next: BIP Episode 2 and After Paradise
[jetpack-related-posts]
Hi Emily, Thanks for another great recap. I was up late and was happy to find you had posted. Hopefully this comment will reach you and not get lost in cyber space or your spam folder! It’s been kind of a crazy busy intense few weeks for me so I’m wondering if I’m just not putting the codes in right. In any event, I do want to tell you how much I enjoy reading your summaries. They have been a very nice diversion to all the chaos in my life right now. I get a kick out of the way you view all our favorite singles. You are so right about the producers looking to create the drama. What is with these women and the lip injections not to mention the false eyelashes and hair extensions?!! Thanks again for your efforts. I also loved you nerding out on Robert Frost. It had been a long time since I read that one, and it’s a good one!
Hi, Julie.
I don’t know when the comment was from. I think it was a couple weeks ago. I really need to find a different way to verify comments but I haven’t found something good yet. It’s just too easy for comments to go to the spam folder and you would never know. You’d either notice your comment didn’t show up or think it did and go on about your day.
All your other comments have shown up as far as I know. It was just the one in a sea full of spam messages. You probably just missed the code once and didn’t realize it.
I’m really glad you enjoy my recaps! I aim to entertain. Sorry to hear about the chaos. Hope it clears up soon. 🙂
I don’t know what it is with the women on these shows and all the fakery. Who has the time for all that? Hair extensions are a pain to keep up from what I’ve heard. Lip injections calm down after a little while. I think Leah had hers done right before Paradise which is why she looked all bloated. You have to get injections around your mouth too to make your lips look naturally plump. I think she was full of whatever they use.
But what I really don’t get are fake eyelashes. They can make women look for feminine but I wouldn’t want to glue stuff to my face every day. I’m a human being not a Jim Henson creature.
I do understand plastic surgery in some cases to make people feel more normal but I do thank that it along with beauty products can also be false advertising.
Glad you enjoyed the poem! It had been a long time for me too! I was young the first time I read it and it’s much more meaningful (and comprehensible) now.
Thank you for your feedback and support! 🙂
Love your recaps Emily!
I ordered Andi’s book from Amazon (I almost didn’t after reading the reviews…but after another week of Josh I just had to LOL)! I’d be happy to send to you when I’m finished as I don’t keep read books around. If you are interested, I guess you can see my email per sign up below (I’d rather it not be published)
Hey, Robin.
I’d love to read the book after you’re finished. Your email shows up in your comment on my side so I can just contact you using that email. That would be awesome!
I really want to read it. I’m sure I’ll roll my eyes a lot but if I can sit through 4 hours of BIP every week, I’m sure I can manage. Plus, nothing can be worse than 50 Shades of Grey. For me, the M in S&M in that book was having to read 400 pages of Anastasia Steele’s internal dialog.
Thanks so much for your comment and support! 🙂
I’m going to try to post a short comment as a test:)
Loved the recap as usual! What is with Amanda? Her body language is all…”don’t hold me that tight… Ok I’ll kiss you I front of everyone but just to appease you so you will stop” I don’t see her being all that into Josh. Or else she does like him but not his PDA alpha male, pee all over his territory behavior.
Pat
It went through! Yay!
I’m glad you liked the recap! Thanks for your emails.
I didn’t notice Amanda being squeamish around Josh but watching Josh kiss anyone is cringe-worthy and Amanda always looks like she’s annoyed to me. I do think she’s into him, God help her. I just do not understand the appeal. People keep saying he’s so good-looking. I feel like I’m looking at one of those crazy computer drawings that looks like chaos but if you stare at it long enough, you can see a 3-D boat. Only everyone else can see the boat and I’m like, “What boat? There is no boat!”
He’s gross. Definitely alpha male behavior.
Thanks so much for your comment and support! 😀
You are my spirit animal! Ha-ha! I was yelling at the TV, “Two roads diverged, morons! Diverged!”
Thank you for the recap, and I hope the problem with comments posting has been resolved for you.
Hey, Melissa.
I’ve never been someone’s spirit animal! I’m honored.
I really do tire of the Bachelor contestants’ uneducated prattle. Can we just have one, JUST ONE, season where the collective IQ of the cast is greater than that of a rabbit?
I mean really, divulged? At least, the editors were erudite enough to notice what a couple of dummies Jared and Evan were being and mock them. There is hope for our educational system.
Thanks for your comment and support! Always appreciated! 🙂
I never thought of it that way, but you’re right; someone at BIP was smart enough to hear that conversation and realize what fun it would be to mock them. There is hope for the future! 🙂
Which reminds me: Is it possible for the twins to really be that dumb? Especially after last night, when we all had to listen to them attempt to pronounce “vulnerable” over and over and over…
I think some women pretend to be dumber than they are to get male attention. I think they’re exaggerating but I also don’t think they’re especially bright,
My very favorite part of this week and possibly this whole series was the After Paradise discussion of Chad. Diablo Cody was like, “As someone who gets wasted a lot, I can understand Chad’s actions.” Then Jubilee throws in her two cents with both a touch of class and complete shade and says, “No. As a grown ass woman who can handle her liquor, there was no excuse for what he did.” Slam! In your face, Brook Busey-Maurio (That’s Diablo Cody’s real name. I just like to laugh at the fact that her real name is Brook and she renamed herself something ridiculous).
I also loved when Chad and Lace discussed how they talked previously and the hostess freaked out and said, “That’s enough breaking the fourth wall, guys.” Hilarious. Everyone knows the “contestants” talk and even hook up before hand. It’s completely producer generated. That’s why many of them “fall in love” so quickly. They’ve already been in contact for months. It doesn’t happen in paradise in 18 days.
I missed that part of the conversation. Maybe because I don’t drink I can’t relate. It’s part of my illness. I can’t digest alcohol. That’s right. I watch this show sober! Oh, the horror.
I didn’t know Diablo Cody’s real name was Brook. I’m pretty sure Diablo was her stripper name. How could it not be ridiculous? But it’s kind of ridiculous that she kept it. However, if you want someone to read your screenplay in Hollywood, you need to intrigue people as much as possible so I could see a reason to use the stripper name.
I was wondering what Michelle Collins was talking about regarding the fourth wall. I couldn’t hear exactly what Chad and Lace said. Now I get it.
Thanks so much for your comment, Megan! Much appreciated as always. 😀