Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Week 5 – Episode 1

Bachelor in Paradise 2015: Week 5 Episode 1

[infopopup:Disclaimer]

Before I get into my recap, I just want to thank everyone who visited my site last week to check out my recaps for week 4 and my article on UnREAL. I got visitors from all over the world and I couldn’t be happier. Check out the countries everyone came from:

Welcome, world. So glad to have you here!

I’m really interested in your take on the show so please leave me a comment. I’m a snark-master when I talk about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise but I have no interest in skewering my readers in the comments section. You’re the reason I write this blog.

Even if you hate it, tell me. I’m not perfect. Maybe there’s something I could do to improve your reading experience. My main goal is to keep you guys entertained so feel free to keep me on my toes.

If you like what I write, let me know! I really like feedback. I respond to all comments so you won’t be ignored.

Okay, on to the recap:

The girls have the power this week so new guys will be coming in.

We left off last week with Samantha accepting a date with Justin. Joe’s not happy about it.

Joe: “I don’t see how you can have such a strong connection with somebody… the best you ever had and then two days later, you’re questioning if what we had was real so you have to go on a date with another guy. That doesn’t make any sense to me.”

Yeah, I bet it didn’t make much sense to Juelia either. Karma’s a b*tch.

Oh, God. Joe’s talking about himself in the third person, “It’s not fair to Joe.” Because he’s been so fair to everyone else around him.

Joe has a weird dent between his eyebrows I never noticed before. It’s almost like a tiny belly button. I wonder if that’s where the devil extracted his soul.

Samantha pulls Joe aside. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot… it’s not fair to go on a date with someone else when I’m thinking about you.” Joe is over the moon at this turn of events.

Jade: “I think Sammy is probably the hottest woman Joe will ever get and I think he knows that too. Beauty has a spell over people.”

Not over me. I feel sorry for guys who are slaves to their eyeballs when it comes to mate selection.

Sam breaks the news to Justin that she’s into Joe so no date.

Amber gets Sam’s figurative sloppy seconds when Justin asks her out on a date. Amber is hesitant because she’s really into Dan but accepts since Dan seems wishy-washy about her. She’s hoping going out with Justin will make Dan jealous. Yeah, not likely.

I’m not really sure what Dan’s end game is. He seems to just be hanging out in Paradise with no real attempt to build a relationship with any of the women. I think he might just be there for the free trip to Mexico, free drinks, and an occasional makeout session. Only he has manners so no one thinks of him the way they think of Joe and Samantha. Way to work the franchise to your advantage, Dan.

Joe does some weird hand trick called the awkward turtle. Is he drunk? Is there something funny about this trick we should be aware of? Jared’s having none of it. He seems like he wants to slap Joe away like a mosquito.

Chris Bukowski, Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad/Bachelor in Paradise alum, shows up. His first appearance was on Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette 900 years ago.

Chris Harrison: “You know what they say. The fifth time’s the charm.”

Doubtful. Chris B. is a total tool. He’s probably only there to get a bump in Twitter traffic.

Amber and Justin’s Date

Amber’s hoping her date with Justin will make Dan jealous.

They go on a walk through town. They find a salsa club and Amber’s impressed with Justin’s moves.

Amber mid-dancing: “Okay. It’s time for you to take your shirt off.” Holy sunburn, Batman! Justin’s giving Hellboy a run for his money.

Amber thinks he’s hot. I do too but it’s mostly because he looks likes he been laying on hot coals. You could cook an omelet on his chest.

Now, Amber’s conflicted about choosing to go on a date with Justin. Even though she and Justin have been heavily making out in the ocean, Amber is still thinking about Dan: “Did I make a mistake?”

I don’t know. Did Dan ask you to be his girlfriend? Has he shown any interest in you whatsoever since your date with him? That’s a big no so I think it’s safe to pretty much date whoever you want and Dan will be cool with it. He’s just not that into you. But don’t feel bad. He’s just not that into anyone.

Back at the Paradise Hut, Chris B. is trying to decide who to take on his date. He’s leaning toward Tenley but he needs to get wasted first. After all, he didn’t fly a couple thousand miles to get into a serious relationship. This is Chris Bukowski we’re talking about.

Chris goes from sober to drunk in a matter of minutes. By the evening, he can barely walk but he’s made up his mind to ask Tenley out. This is gonna be an epic fail. Bring it.

Justin and Amber get back from their date. Amber had a great time but she’s still all about Dan.

She pulls Dan aside to talk to him.

Dan breaks the news to her that he didn’t feel anything when she left with Justin. He tells her he doesn’t feel a connection with her and then nails her ass to a permanent seat in the friend zone. I think in his attempt to make sure there was no misreading anything he said, he was a bit too brutally honest but message definitely received. Amber is taken aback and visibly hurt by Dan’s words.

But at least he’s not “pulling a Joe” and using her just to get a rose. Now Amber doesn’t know if there’s anyone in Paradise for her. Yeah, probably not. Sadly, I think Amber is just another attempt by the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise to make America think they’re all about racial diversity. It’s too bad because Amber seems like a really sweet, chill girl unlike some of the whiny brats on the show who shall remain nameless.

Chris B. informs one of the girls that he would definitely hook up with her mom. The boy just oozes class.

After drinking from morning til night, Chris has more than enough liquid courage in him to finally ask Tenley on a date. I just hope he doesn’t puke on her while he’s doing it.

He successfully manages to slur out his request for a date without projectile vomiting. Tenley lets him know that she’s with Joshua. Tenley’s worried she hurt Chris’s feelings. Seriously, honey, don’t bother feeling bad. He pretty much came just to get tanked.

But Chris claims the only girl he’s interested in is Tenley and seems pretty much done with Paradise after Tenley’s rejection of his drunken proposition. Joshua slyly moves in and convinces Chris to give up his date card so he can go out with the girl who just turned Chris’s inebriated ass down. I think it was a dick move on Josh’s part since he didn’t give Chris a chance to sober up and think about maybe trying to go out with someone else but all’s fair in Paradise, right? I think Joe may have set the new moral standards for this show.

However, at least the girls in Paradise were spared the creepy attentions of The Bukowski because after a whopping 9 hours in Paradise, he decides to leave. A catch he is not.

Josh asks Tenley out on his newfound date.

Josh and Tenley’s Date

They fly to Guadalajara which is actually spectacularly beautiful.

They go grocery shopping with a “celebrity” chef. Celebrity is relative. I’ve never heard of him before. Somebody Francisco. Or maybe I’m just out of touch.

They go on a food tour of the city which is mouth-watering. I want to go to there.

Chef Francisco: “Never trust a Mexican when he says something’s not spicy.” True dat.

Tenley is impressed that Josh was “manly” and stole this date from Chris. Why does moral ambiguity seem to only look bad on Joe and Samantha on this show?

Back at the Hut, Dan admits to Carly that Samantha is the only girl he’s into. Whoa, WTH?  He’s convinced Sam is innocent in the Juelia scandal and Joe is just scum. Wow, I thought Dan was rational. I’m disappointed he’s given up on logic and is now thinking with his little head.

Time to prepare for the rose ceremony? That crept up fast. Because Chris B. left on his own, it means only one guy is going home. Justin and Dan seem to be on the chopping block. Although, Jared isn’t into Ashley I. so I don’t know who she’s giving her rose to.

Ashley I. is reluctant to let Jared go though and has written a letter of biblical proportions to try to convince Jared she’s the one for him since she definitely thinks he’s the one for her. *Cringe*. In the history of man, has a letter ever convinced anyone who’s not into someone to change their mind? I’m wondering if Ashley I. has ever had an adult relationship. She’s 26 but appears to have the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old.

Relationship rule 221 from the official relationship handbook in my head: If someone’s not into you, don’t try to convince them to be into you. It not only won’t work, but you’ll look like an ass and that person will be even LESS into you than they were before.

Amber puts Justin in the friend zone but not quite as bluntly as Dan put her in the friend zone. Justin doesn’t seem too phased by it.

And, uh-oh, apparently Jared was Amber’s second choice after Dan. Let the countdown begin to Ashley I.’s level 7 nuclear meltdown.

Amber pulls Jared aside to talk and lets him know she might be into him and asks if she’ll accept his rose. Jared is open to the idea but we all know he’s still not over Kaitlyn.

Ashley I.: “I know everyone thinks I’m crazy for still being into Jared but I want the fairy tale soooo bad.”

Yeah, not gonna happen, honey. Jared’s not your prince and fairy tales aren’t real. That doesn’t mean good things won’t happen to you in life. It just means relationships aren’t all diamond rings and destination weddings.

Amber admits to Ashley I. she wants to give Jared her rose.

Ashley I.: “This is the worst experience of my life.” Clearly, you haven’t had enough bad sh*t happen to you in your life if a guy you’ve only known for a couple of weeks not being into you is the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. Seriously, Ashley, go live. Get a job, go to school, travel, anything that might give you a modicum of depth. You’re a sweet girl but you’re naive and a tad spoiled and those traits don’t lend themselves to having a successful relationship.

Dan’s claws come out as he watches Joe and Samantha together: “Watching Joe and Samantha together is like pouring generic ketchup on filet Mignon. It just doesn’t work. And it’s actually offensive to everyone.”

Damn, Dan. Snob, much?

Dan pulls Sam aside to try and wrench her away from Joe: “I’m a pretty good judge of character…” Uh, then why are you trying to date the daughter of Satan? “…I don’t want to see you end up with a bad guy. And Joe came into this and right off the bat… it was just a weird feeling about him… he’s living a lie… he’s not being himself because he’s afraid to lose you… He needs to be exposed.”

Relationship rule 356 from the official relationship handbook inside my head: If you want someone who likes someone else to like you, put your best self forward to impress them. Don’t trash the person they like to make yourself look better by comparison. It’s mostly a losing strategy but on the rare occasions it does work, it doesn’t lay the foundation for a healthy relationship.

Joe’s understandably pissed: “You don’t need to throw someone under the bus to get a rose.” Even though he threw Jonathan and Mikey under the bus to get Juelia’s rose.

Joe steals Sam away from Dan to kiss her and remind her he’s not the devil… even though he probably is.

Dan: “Joe’s basically trying to pee on Samantha like a fire hydrant…” And what exactly are you doing, Dan? It seems like you got a good spray in too.

Next: The Rose Ceremony

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