Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Week 5 – Episode 1

The Rose Ceremony

• Carly -> Kirk
• Jade -> Tanner
• Tenley -> Joshua
• Juelia -> Mikey

Ashley S.: “The struggle is hard. It really is.” Geez, honey. Can’t you keep your crazy in your pants til the rose ceremony is over?

• Ashley S. -> Nick
• Ashley I. -> Jared
• Amber -> Justin
• Samantha -> Dan – Whoaaaaaaaa. Hold the phone.

Samantha: “Joe is the villain in this situation.” Yeah? We’ll see.

So even though Joe is being cut loose, he’s not going down without a fight. He’s going to expose Samantha for the villainess she is. Bring forth the text messages because I’m seriously bored with Bachelor in Paradise right now.

Joe pulls Sam aside to try to get her to take responsibility in the Juelia situation and take him back. It doesn’t go well. Sam once again harps on the “too much drama” excuse for giving Joe the axe.

Samantha: “You should apologize for how much drama you put me through.” Uh… weren’t you the one who told him to do WHATEVER it took to stay in Paradise? I don’t believe for a second you didn’t know what that meant when you said it. Let’s see that phone, Joe.

Tanner: “Well, at least she’ll be memorable this time.”

Nick: “She’ll get more Twitter followers.” LOL. He says that seriously as if that’s something the people on this show should aspire to. On the other hand, since it seems like most of these people aren’t in Paradise to find love, it’s probably the only consolation prize they’re likely to get.

I actually follow a couple people from this franchise on Twitter. I’ve visted Nick Viall’s Twitter page a few times recently and it’s full of mindless praise, requests for dates, marriage proposals, and the occasional “you’re a creep. Sorry not sorry” and “Why did you out Andi about sleeping with you in the fantasy suite on national TV?”

Is this kind of attention really worthwhile? I mean aside from the occasional hate tweets, all it is is unconditional and unwarranted adulation. People on this show who rise to a level of fame comparable to Nick V.’s have to know on some level that the admiration of their fans is meaningless since fans only know an idealized version they’ve made up in their heads about who the subject of their fandom is. I would find it creepy.

Samantha proclaims that what happened with Juelia is not “part of her character”.

Joe’s in the see-ya-wouldn’t-want-to-be-you mobile on the way to the airport when he presents the text messages from his phone to the camera. I can’t read them but Joe claims Sam said: “Do whatever it takes to get a rose. I don’t care.”

That’s pretty damning in my mind. She didn’t just tell him to do whatever it took, she also said she didn’t care what that “whatever” was.

Joe’s parting remarks: “I should have f*cked her brains out.” Yeah, probably ’cause you’re not likely to get a chance at a woman that hot in Mud Bucket, Kentucky.

Back at the hut, Samantha denies the text messages Joe claims she sent but admits they did text. She fake apologizes to the group for all the drama she caused as a result of “being under the Joe spell” (though not in those words).

Ashley S. calls her out: “How many guys did you text before you got here?” LOL. Good question.

Samantha feigns shock and despair at the question but pretty much everyone but Dan thinks Joe fell on his sword for Samantha. I don’t think that’s the right term though. For a while, people blamed Joe entirely but in the end, he left a semi-villain caught in Samantha’s web of lies.

Falling on your sword means sacrificing all for someone else. Socially speaking, that means letting your reputation be destroyed to protect someone else’s. If Joe had truly fallen on his sword, he would have taken the fall for the Juelia situation, claimed Samantha was blameless, and would have left a hated man. Instead, he fought to reveal her for the evil temptress she is and left a moderately sympathetic character.

Before anyone has two minutes to take a breath after the rose ceremony is over, a new girl arrives. Chelsea from Juan Pablo’s season. I barely remember her. Actually, I tried to block that entire season from my memory. Worst. Season. Ever.

Chelsea has a date card. Tanner hopes she’ll pick Dan and rescue him from Samantha’s Maleficent-like spell.

I don’t know. Dan seems pretty taken with Sam and Chelsea doesn’t seem like much competition. She’s blonde and bubbly and I don’t think she has a feminine wile in her arsenal. In fact, I doubt she has an arsenal at all.

Tanner: “I don’t think Samantha’s here for any of the guys. I think she’s here to make a name for herself… but beauty kills.” So now Tanner is the most level-headed person in Paradise.

Carly crafts a ploy to get Sam out of Paradise by convincing Chelsea to ask Dan out on her date and it works.

And that’s it until tonight.

In the last few minutes, we hear Jared read more inane and unconvincing words from Ashley’s letter. When did she have time to write this novella? In between crying bouts and false eyelash applications? I really feel sorry for her. At 26, she still doesn’t know how boys work. My guess is both Jared and Ashley I. are going home alone at the end of Bachelor in Paradise.

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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps. Super nice lady too!
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about Bachelor in Paradise.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.
Chris Harrison’s Blog – I don’t think he actually writes it but his ghost writer is damn clever, especially about BIP.

See you tomorrow!

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