Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Week 6 – Episode 1

Bachelor in Paradise 2015: Week 6 Episode 1

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Before I get into my recap for week 6, episode 1, I just want to thank everyone who visited my site last week. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who visited my blog and so grateful for the comments I got. Be sure to check out my new article: How I Made an Ass/Hero of Myself Trying to Befriend Nick Viall on Twitter.

Okay, let’s get into the recap. Fair warning, I’m going to rip Kirk a new one at the end of this article.

This is the first part of the two-part season finale. Really looking forward to the season ending but will be sad not to be able to talk to you guys every week.

I really think Tanner should be the new official narrator for all of The Bachelor shows. His recaps are better than anything a voiceover artist could do.

Jared and Ashley I.’s Fantasy Suite Date

Ashley wants Jared to take her V-card. Yeah, never gonna happen. He’s been faking interest in Ashley the entire season and his dread is palpable as she invites him into the fantasy suite.

Gratuitous bikini shot of all the women on the beach. Not sure why they haven’t done this before. They might attract more male viewers.

I forgot that Joshua’s never been in love before. He claims Tenley is the closest he’s ever come to being in love. Wow, is that sad. He’s only known her for a week or two. It just makes me question what’s going on in Idaho. Josh is a good-looking guy and I’d wager the best-looking guy in the tiny town he lives in. Do women live there? Because it seems like they’d be all over him. Aside from his fascination with “Molly”, he seems like he’d be the catch of the county. There’s something really fishy about the whole situation. However, we’re not likely to get to the bottom of it by the time the season ends so moving on…

Juelia is only interested in pursuing Mikey. Yeah, we kind of got that when you asked Chris Harrison if you could stay in Paradise and bring back Mikey so you get to know him better.

Juelia: “I’ve always felt a connection with Mikey.” Except for that time when you completely dodged his attempt to kiss you during a cocktail party.

Mikey suddenly announces to the other guys that he’s not feeling it with Juelia and needs to have a talk with her. This is unsurprising news. Mikey went after just about anyone he thought might possibly give him a rose prior to his untimely departure. It seems very likely he came back because he wanted the chance to stay in Paradise a little bit longer and not so much to fall in love with Juelia. Although he was loyal to Juelia once he returned so props to him for that.

Mikey: You’re amazing, you’re a sweetheart, you’re the nicest person, you deserve the best, you’re a special person to me, I want the best for you, and… I’m just not that into you.

Way to be original, Mikey. Why do people feel the need to pump people up when they’re breaking up with them just to suck the air out of their tires a few minutes later? After a speech like that I’d think, “Well, I WAS feeling on top of the world when you were paying me all those compliments but now I’m considering slitting my wrists so, thanks?”

Juelia is crushed and quickly picks up and leaves Paradise.

You know the commercials that come on asking if we think we might be a good match for the next Bachelor or Bachelorette? Every time I hear them, I think to myself, “Absolutely f*cking NOT.” Am I the only one?

I hope this episode picks up. I’m bored so far.

Jaclyn needs to decide who to take on her date. She’s troubled about the decision.

Jaclyn: I don’t think Nick is in a relationship but because he completely screwed me over on Bachelor Pad, I think he’s a sleaze (you’re just mad because he ripped $250k out from under you)… Mikey is newly single but dumb as rocks (yep)… Dan is single but his personality is super small (and you know what they say about the size of a man’s personality)… so Justin is my guy.

Cassandra from Juan Pablo’s season arrives. Really? There’s like a day left in Paradise. How on Earth is she going to build any kind of connection in a day?

Cassandra wants Justin too. And, not surprisingly, Justin would rather go out with her than Jaclyn.

So he pulls Jaclyn aside to give her the bad news that he’s decided to back out of their date. It looks like Jaclyn is trying to make an angry/irritated expression but her Botox injections seem to be preventing her from moving her face. I hope she lets the shots wear off. She looked better when she could emote.

Jaclyn: “Justin made it seem like he had more of a connection with Cassandra because they both had kids…” Um… Jaclyn, you’re too smart to fall for that paltry excuse aren’t you? You must know in your heart of hearts that he picked Cassandra because she’s mega-hot. But, continue. You seem to be the only one with half a brain on this show…  “I never thought the key to success [in Paradise] would be to A) have a kid B) talk to fruits and vegetables C) talk to animals and racoons and D) be a complete psychopath. So I can’t tell if I’m losing or winning…” Amen, sister.

The contestants anxiously await the return of Jared and Ashley I. from their overnight to find out if Ashley’s still a virgin. They all seem to think she won’t be. Really? They honestly believe love-superhero Jared would not only have sex with Ashley but take her virginity when he has as little interest in her as it should be obvious to everyone by now he does? Come on, people.

Mikey: “Whoever ends up taking Ashley’s virginity is gonna get murdered in their sleep.” LOL! Point Mikey.

Jaclyn (Voice of Reason on Bachelor in Paradise): “I’d wager that Ashley I. is still a virgin.” Me too. Anyone know a good bookie?

Jaclyn doesn’t know what to do with her date card. She claims someone like Justin would never turn her down in the real world… um… *cough*… no comment.

Nick decides he wants to take Sam out so he decides to try to get his old Bachelor Pad rival’s date card since she’s not likely to use it.

Nick: I want to be completely honest with you.

Jaclyn: Oh, honest? A new look on you.

Jaclyn, seriously, you guys were playing a game on Bachelor Pad. He won, you didn’t. You’re too clever to be a sore loser. Get over it.

Nick asks Jaclyn for her date card but she’s not giving it up so easily to the guy who tricked her out of $250k. She wants to see him make an ass out of himself in exchange for her date card.

In a quest for vengeance, Jaclyn decides to make him roll around in the hot sand like a Victoria Secret model on a photo shoot. Where did she even come up with that? That seems a bit amateur, especially for someone of Jaclyn’s mental caliber. I would have made him do something to sabotage his chances with Samantha so when he asked her on the date, Sam would turn him down. Now THAT’S revenge.

Justin and Cassandra’s Date

They ride horses on the beach. Well, now they have something to list in the hobbies section of their match.com profiles.

Justin: “Cassandra has all the qualities I’m looking for in a woman…” You met her a couple of hours ago. How can you possibly know that already? Or is that your little head talking?

Justin almost falls off his horse when Cassandra takes her shirt off. Yeah, she has a nice rack but it’s not worth breaking your neck for, dude.

Unexpectedly, Justin comes across as a really genuine guy who’s interested in finding love in his ITM’s. I still can’t forget that he used the non-word “conversator” but I’m definitely starting to think more highly of him.

Justin and Cassandra bond while talking about their kids and each seems to think they’ve found their soul mate because there couldn’t be any other single parents in the world who could possibly understand what it’s like to be them.

They make out on the beach and frolic in the ocean. However improbable, it seems Cassandra has managed to make a connection on the last day in Paradise after all.

Oh, wow. I just realized we almost went a whole half episode without hearing how evil Samantha is. But alas, the break in the drama has come to an end.

Tanner: “Samantha is like a seductress… I think Samantha thinks she’s really intelligent with this whole master plan but I think she’s just really good looking and guys fall for that sh*t.”

I’m really failing to see this master plan of Samantha’s. The only guy she’s really shown an interest in is Joe and even though Nick, Dan, and Justin have expressed interest in her, she hasn’t toyed with any of them or even flirted with them. All of Bachelor Nation seems to believe Sam is some kind of evil sorceress because of the text messages to Joe but I’m starting to think she’s just not that clever. Maybe she did tell Joe to do whatever it took to stay in Paradise but that seems to be her only crime thus far. (Or maybe I too have fallen under Samantha’s evil spell. AHHHHH! Save me, Tanner. Your cold, matter-of-fact narration may be the only way to break the curse!)

Nick asks Samantha on a date.

Carly’s mad because all of her cool friends are going home while the evil Samantha has survived. Okay, so your friends didn’t find everlasting love in Paradise. Did you watch the show last year? I’m pretty sure the only couple that survived was Marcus and Lacey so most people on this show go home without a love story. What difference does it make that Samantha lives to see another day in Paradise?

Uh, oh. Get ready for Hurricane Ashley. Jared is finally going to cut her loose. FINALLY!!!! FINALLY!!!! FINALLY!!!! And he does admit that nothing happened in the fantasy suite. That should have been obvious to everyone but there’s confirmation in case that was still a question in anyone’s mind.

Blech. Ashley I. is wearing a T-shirt that says, “I’m a Kim.” As in Kim Kardashian I presume. Kim Kardashian is NOT someone anyone should aspire to be. Aside from having a famous stepfather (stepmother?) and a surgically-enhanced ass, there is absolutely nothing noteworthy about her.

Ashley is crushed by the news that Jared doesn’t return her feelings and that he’s leaving Paradise. Cue waterworks.

I can barely understand Ashley in her ITM’s through the snot and tears that are clogging up her throat. All I can tell is this seems like the end of Ashley’s world because the “perfect” guy for her just walked out on her.

Here’s a pro-tip, Ash: No guy you like who doesn’t like you back is perfect for you.

Ashley seems like a really sweet girl despite her 12-year-old mentality so I hope she learns from this experience and I hope she feels better. Despite everyone making fun of her for excessive emotions (including me), I genuinely feel bad for her.

Nick and Samantha’s Date

Nick doesn’t give a damn about the drama surrounding Joe and Sam, Good for him. He’s “estatic” to be going out with Samantha. Yep. Bachelor in Paradise is definitely not a Mensa Convention.

They meet chef Hosefeena-Santa-Whata? She flew all the way from Mexico City to prepare a special dish for Nick and Samantha. Too bad half their date was taken up by her telling them her name.

Back at the Paradise Hut, people are dissing Samantha again. Don’t they have anything else to talk about?

Jade says that Sam’s probably just using Nick to get a rose. Why? So she can be on this show for 5 more minutes? To what end?

Wow. Sam goes in for the kiss. And boy, if you didn’t like watching Joe and Samantha kiss, you really won’t like watching Nick and Samantha kiss. Sam looks like she wants to run screaming from the table as soon as Nick’s lips meet hers but Nick’s not letting her get away. I am seriously grossed out watching their incredibly awkward makeout session. I think it’s safe to say that Sam is not feeling as much chemistry as Nick but doesn’t seem to know how to politely get him to unlock his lips from hers.

Up Next: The Rose Ceremony

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