Bachelorette 2016 Recap: Episode 1

Bachelorette 2016 Recap: The Premiere

Welcome back, readers!

I’m so grateful to all of you for sticking with me and boosting me up last season. I was really struggling toward the end to get my recaps out because my chronic illness is very demanding of my time. But writing about this show, silly as it may be, and being able to communicate with all of you, gives me some sense of purpose.

As I said in Tuesday’s post, my recaps will now either be posted on Wednesday nights or on Friday. My health has to be my number one priority (hard as it may be to make it one being a creative type) so these are the new rules I’ve set for myself. I hope you will continue to read my blog despite the delay.

I have two Ask Emily questions that I have yet to post that came in during the off season so you can look forward to those in the coming weeks. If you have anything you’d like to ask me, contact me.

Enough preamble. Time to put on our bitch caps and dive in to the recap.

Normally, on the first post of a Bachelor/ette season I post a table of pics of all the contestants’ faces matched to their names but that takes hours and ABC has already done it for me so I’m not going to waste precious writing time doing that again. Here’s a link to this season’s cast: http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelorette/cast

First, I’d like to take a moment once again to give a shout-out to the Bachelor gods for not cursing us with a Caila or Amanda season. Amen. Glory be.

This was a fairly standard opening for a Bachelorette season. So was Ben’s. I hope that isn’t indicative of another incredibly dull season where my fellow Bachelor bloggers and I find ourselves praying the last 5 weeks that the master villain of the season reappears for ANY reason to DO SOMETHING INTERESTING. ANYTHING.

First, we get a recap of Jojo’s time on The Bachelor: How she and Ben “fell in love” and how Ben told her he loved her and wouldn’t blindside her and then promptly blindsided her in favor of his favorite girlfriend, Lauren B.

Typically, a second-place finisher doesn’t become the lead on the next season but I really don’t understand why a second-place finisher would be any more devastated than a third-place finisher. (That is, of course, when the lead isn’t an idiot and doesn’t tell his runner up that he loves her.)

If you think about it, this show doesn’t actually film for 11 weeks. It just runs for 11 weeks. So Caila went home only a few days before JoJo. In my mind, it stands to reason that they’d be equally heartbroken by the time the finale aired (i.e. not at all since months have passed since they saw the lead who they spent a grand total of 24 hours with MAX). So I hope this opens the door for more second-place finishers to become leads in the future.

Jojo looks amazing in her bikini and it wasn’t the slightest bit suggestive when she was sitting on the rocks in Malibu while white ocean spray was washing over her near-naked body which made her writhe and giggle. Sorry. I have a dirty mind.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Okay. Blah Blah Blah. JoJo learned a lot about herself being on Ben’s season and now she’s ready to find REAL love. Very original… Moving on…

Next Jojo sits down with former Bachelorettes Desiree, Kaitlyn, and Ali to talk about what the hardest part of being the Bachelorette was for them. Why must we endure this torment every season? I’m pretty sure the leads could figure it out on their own or get advice OFF CAMERA. It’s not even 5 minutes into the season and already, my eye is starting to twitch.

The most interesting advice Jojo gets is that if she likes someone right away, she should ignore them and give the other guys a chance. Well, I guess she’s the only game in town while the guys are imprisoned in the Bachelor mansion so she can get away with that but it hasn’t been my experience that ignoring guys I like and paying attention to guys I don’t leads to true love.

Featured Guys

Grant, 28, Firefighter from San Francisco – He’s mixed race so he’ll be gone by week 6 but, pray, continue insulting our intelligence that Jojo might actually choose a black man as her husband…

Grant is a cool guy so I feel bad for him that he has no chance on this show but not TOO bad because he probably already knew that going in.

Okay, that was over fast. WTF? He’s a firefighter who thinks Jojo is hot? Nothing else? No sob story about his Jamaican mom who died of breast cancer when he was 13? What about about the horrible car accident he was in when he was 19 that left him partially paralyzed in his left testicle and taught him the value of life? WHAT SHOW IS THIS???

Jordan, 27, Former Pro Quarterback (and probably our next Bachelor) – Loves sports. He’s the little brother of Aaron Rodgers… sports… something something something… famous quarterback… sports sports sports… Greenbay Packers… sports sports sports…

Football took a toll on his last relationship (and my brain) and now he’s looking for love, a best friend, and a family. And being that damn attractive, that articulate, that rich, that charming, and the brother of a sports legend, he couldn’t find it any other way than to go on a two-bit reality show and compete with 24 other guys for the hand of a cute-yet-utterly-unremarkable-in-every-other-way real estate agent? Uh huh. The Bachelor gig is his to lose.

Alex, 25, Oceanside, CA, Marine – Happens to be a jar-head whose head quite literally looks like a jar. The Marine Corps made him a “better man”. He has an identical twin who somehow managed to come out much better looking than he did. Can we get the brother on the show, please? Oh, he’s married. Never mind.

James, 27, Secret Bachelor Fan – I didn’t know that was a job. Is that like a secret shopper? I gotta give him props for doing the topless shot on a rocky cliff as the sun is setting and announcing it’s “his favorite Bachelor shot”. I like a man who has a sense of humor about himself even though I know this guy doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hades of marrying Jojo.

Evan, 33, from Nashville, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist – his job is PUMPING UP HIS GUYS… and GETTING THEM EXCITED… it’s a HARD business… it’s DRAINING…

I just can’t with this guy… who’s next?

Ali, 27, Santa Monica, CA – Werewolf during full moons but moonlights as a concert pianist the rest of the month.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… I’m a terrible person!

Christian, 26, Los Angeles, Telecom consultant – gets up at 3:30 in the morning to work out. GO HOME! You’re automatically disqualified from all human institutions including marriage because you’re obviously some kind of alien and I don’t think Jojo’s in the market for alien babies. You’re also mixed race so it doesn’t look good for you anyway even if Jojo were willing to raise your 3-eyed children.

Awww… he’s a nice alien though. He takes care of his brothers and his white father rejected him. I feel bad for him…

 

Luke, 31, War Veteran, Texas – Not sure what he does for a living but seems like he’s working his daddy’s ranch. A rich rancher could be a contender. This one is going far. Two slots filled in my final four.

The Limos

Alright, Jojo’s boobs are out and perky and it’s time to meet her suitors.

1. Jordan – The front runner is out of the limo first. He’s playing the grounded, charming, gorgeous dreamboat the Bachelor producers hired him to be to a T. Jojo thinks he hot. Too bad he’s probably not for her 🙁
2. Derek – Commercial banker. Cute but I’m bored already.
3. Grant – The story-less firefighter. He’s not going to do what Ben did to Jojo last season. He’s not going to fall in love with two girls, he’s only going to fall in love with her. Uh, what other girl? I think you’re stuck with Jojo, bro bro.
4. James F. – Didn’t come there for a rose. Came there for a relationship. Not a terrible entrance. Sounded sincere. He’s one to watch out for.
5. Robby – Brings a bottle of wine. The line about them “not needing glasses”, a nod to her mom swigging from the bottle during hometowns last season, was actually pretty clever. At least, Jojo took it well. It could have gone south if Jojo didn’t have a sense of humor about the situation.
6. Alex (the jar head) – I think he’s actually shorter than Jojo and she’s kind of a spinner. Well, we already knew he wasn’t going to go very far anyway.
7. Will – drops cards with fake notes he wrote to cover his inevitable “nerves” upon meeting Jojo just to be able to say, “I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. Oops, I mixed up the cards,” and then be like, “Psych! I’m not really a total spazz.”
   
8. Chad – Kinda creepy. Holds Jojo’s hands in his way too long. But at least he followed Will. He’s a breath of fresh air by comparison.
9. Daniel – From Canada. Big line out of the limo, “Damn, Jojo.” You know like “Damn, Daniel” because his name is Daniel and her name is Jojo… ha ha… ha… That’s so clever. (Can we deport people back to Canada?)
10. Ali – Wolfman. Doesn’t say anything too stupid or snarl and eat Jojo’s face. I’m guessing it wasn’t a full moon that night.
11. James Taylor – A curly-haired ginger with a guitar. He serenades Jojo with such inspired lyrics as, “You don’t know me but we’ll probably go on some dates,” and, “You might send me home tonight or you might take my name.” I vote for home. We’ve already got a James Taylor in the music business and he’s better.
12. Jonathan – Is wearing a kilt (eww). Let’s us know he’s half Chinese, half Scottish but assures us the Scottish half is from the waist down.
    
13. Saint Nick – SERIOUSLY?!?! I hope your reindeer trample you to death when you get back to the North Pole (which will more than likely be in the immediate future) and put you out of your misery. NEXT!!!
14. Chase – Wears a fake mustache. Tells Jojo he “MUST-ACHE her a question but he’ll SHAVE it for later.”
15. Jake – Architect. Black. Bland. Going home.
16. Sal – Gives Jojo a pair of blue stress balls and gives her permission to “squeeze his balls” if she feels stressed at all during the evening. Excuse me while I go contemplate the existential quandary of whether life is worth living knowing dumb dumbs like Sal exist in the same reality I do.
17. Coley – “I’m actually in real estate too and I’m hoping by the end of this, I’ll be taking you off the market.”
    I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
18. Brandon – His literal occupation is “Hipster”?!?! AUTOMATIC DISQUALIFICATION!!!
19. James S. – Bachelor Super Fan makes an unremarkable entrance.
20. Nick S. – (Not to be confused with St. Nick) Can do the splits without splitting his thigh-hugging slacks.
21. Vinny – He’s a barber. He’s probably Italian. He’s prepared a toast. It’s a toasted piece of bread. Go. Home.
22. Peter – Gives Jojo a giant stuffed heart. Says he wants to be “her man-crush Monday”??? Is that what he said? I honestly don’t know… and don’t care.
23. Evan – Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. Gets out of the limo, takes one look at Jojo, and says in the creepiest way imaginable, “Oh my God bless America.” Translation: I want to play with your boobs RIGHT NOW.
24. Wells – Looks like he’s 12 but is actually 31. Opens with the line, “You are so out of my league, it’s ridiculous.” ‘Cause ladies love it when guys emasculate themselves and fall at their feet without ever having spoken a word to them. He also brought along the quartet “All for One” to serenade her with All 4 One’s, “I swear”. Wait. Was that the real All 4 One but all old and fat now??? Holy crap! That was them! How the mighty have fallen. 🙁
25. Luke – The Rancher. He rides in on a unicorn, a nod to Jojo’s entrance AS a unicorn. Aside from the gimmick, he manages to make a solid first impression.

Phew. Limo entrances over. I’m going to go throw up now. Or hang myself in the shower. If there’s no second page to this post, you’ll know what option I chose.

Next: Mansion Antics (Mantics) and the Rose Ceremony

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