Bachelorette 2017 – Episode 2 and 3 Recap

Episode 3

DeMario: I fucked up and I lied but, baby, she doesn’t mean anything to me I swear. You’re the woman of my dreams and that’s why I’m on this show. Give me another chance to gain your trust. One of my favorite quotes is that in order to experience joy you need pain see I’m smart and I’ve got quotes. How can you say no to all this sweet talk?…

Rachel: Let me stop you right there, amateur. You think I don’t who you are? You think I don’t got your number? Did I call you? No. So why the f*ck are you back after I told you to get the f*ck out? I’m glad this has been a life lesson for you and that you gave me the quote about joy and pain. I hope that the pain you’ve got from this gives you joy somewhere else. It’s just not here right now. Thank you.

The other guys are reassured and impressed when Rachel doesn’t let DeMario back in.

She returns to the cocktail party to enjoy more parlor tricks from the 10-year-old boy’s handbook on how to impress a girl you like after pulling her ponytail and mocking her fail.

Jonathan brings in a pair of giant hands that make Rachel laugh but they get him no closer to getting out of the friend zone.

Alex almost solves a Rubik’s cube while he’s talking to Rachel but can’t finish. So much for his 180 IQ.

Lucas is drunk and rattles off a totally bizarre fever dream about Blake standing over his bed peeling a banana and licking it. Lucas doesn’t know if Blake has a crush on him or what. I’d like to say “or what” but I honestly couldn’t tell you. Blake says he’s been with girls but seems gay as a parade to me.

Rachel has a hard time believing this could possibly be real and asks Blake about it. Instead of just saying, “That’s crazy and, no, that never happened,” like a normal person, Blake says something along the lines of:

And then he tosses his hair. (Okay, he didn’t but he might as well have after that speech.)

Rose Ceremony

Peter, Dean, and Josiah have roses.

1. Brian
2. Bryce
3. Eric
4. Anthony
5. Will
6. Jonathan
7. Jack
8. Matt
9. Alex
10. Adam
11. Kenny
12. Brady
13. Lee
14. Iggy
15. Fred
16. Diggy

Jamey, Lucas, and Blake go home. Blake is offended that he was sent home on the same night as his nemesis and lets Rachel know he is not amused.

It’s official. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. I guess there was no way Rachel could pretend to like either one of them long enough to get to the two-on-one where two people who are at each other’s throats face off in a battle to the death for a rose that will probably be retracted at the next rose ceremony. No one on a two-on-one is ever a frontrunner except for Danielle L. on Nick’s season but she got the boot that night.

Lucas and Blake are so annoyed with each other that they can’t sit still long enough to film their parting ITMs and leave their places to engage in an argument with each other on the driveway which was about as mature as fights I had in the third grade. No one said, “You’re rubber and I’m glue. Anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you,” but it was implied.

I’m kind of happy they live in the same town and have to go back and continue to annoy the shit out of each other.

Ellen Group Date

Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred: “Lights, camera, action. Come join me on the set of Ellen.”

Ellen tickles Jonathan out of revenge for tickling Rachel on night one.  I heart Ellen.

Ellen asks Rachel if she’s been kissed yet.

Rachel says she has and it took her by surprise and it totally swept her off her feet.

Which time??? There are now about 3 or 4 guys thinking they’re total studs.

Jonathan is surprised that Rachel has already kissed someone and thinks it was just a kiss on the cheek. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall in Jonathan’s living room when he saw Bryan go tongue spelunking in Rachel’s mouth on the first episode.

Ellen commands the men to take their shirts off give lap dances to the women in the audience. Did I mention I heart Ellen?

After the dance, Ellen gives handheld signs to the men. On one side, the signs say, “I have,” on the other they say, “I have never.” They play a game called “Have you ever?”

First question: Have you hit on someone while on a date with someone else?

All the boys say “I have never” despite having just given lap dances to a studio full of women while on a date with Rachel.

Second question: Have you thought about having sex with Rachel?

Jonathan, Will, Fred, and Bryan say they have.

Alex says he hasn’t. That’s possible I guess. He’s hasn’t spent a lot of time with her yet.

But f*cking Peter says he hasn’t??? Didn’t he make out with her under a sky full of fireworks and not once did he think about having sex with her? If I were Rachel, I’d be offended.

Either he’s lying because he thinks it’s gentlemanly or he’s telling the truth which means he made out with her but didn’t want to. I mean even if making out with someone is bad, a guy will at least think about the BAD sex he doesn’t want to have with a girl. But if Peter is telling the truth, he basically has no interest in her but made out with her anyway to stay on the show.

The rest of the questions aren’t super interesting but we do find out that Alex peed in the pool. Everyone acts shocked.

I got news for you. People who swim for long periods of time pee in the pool. Do you really think Michael Phelps gets out of the pool during training every time he has to take a whizz? It takes time to warm up and cool down and you have to drink a ton of water to stay hydrated.

Think about it.

Night Portion

Somehow, Alex manages to capture enough of Rachel’s fancy for her to call him a dark horse.

Is it just me or does Rachel have terrible taste in men?

Fred cements his place in Rachel’s friend zone when he tries to demonstrate his manliness by asking her if he can kiss her. I’m not opposed to a guy asking for a kiss but I don’t think it really mattered what Fred did. He was never going to be anything other than a bratty camp kid in Rachel’s mind.

But she didn’t have to pick up the group date rose when she asked him to step outside so she could send him packing. I know the producers told her to do it but it was f*cked up and last I checked, she still has free will. So Rachel gets a mark against her in my book because that was a shitty thing to do.

She gives the group date rose to Alex.

Back at the mansion, the next wave of drama begins to form as Eric voices his insecurities about how Rachel feels about him to anyone who will listen.

Anthony’s One-On-One

“Meet me at the rodeo.”

Someone, either Rachel or Chris Harrison said this date was something you could only do in L.A. Just FYI, you can go to Rodeo Drive but you 100% cannot go shopping on horseback unless it’s for a show like this. Those shop owners got paid well to let horses in their stores.

I really didn’t understand the point of the date and Anthony, for as intelligent as he is, seemed awkward and inarticulate. I had such high hopes for him but I think he may just be too young for Rachel. On the other hand, Rachel may like a quiet guy since she’s so extroverted. Time will tell.

Overall though, the date was lackluster from start to finish.

The only thing I can say for it is that I’m grateful that having a black lead makes it so we can listen to generic jazz while she’s dancing with one of her beau instead of generic country music. I really can’t stand country music. Except for Bonnie Raitt.

Back at the mansion, the drama continues to build when Iggy confronts Eric about his insecurities. Iggy needs a rose this week and he’s not going to get one unless he serves a purpose. Pot-stirrers get roses.

Mud Wrestling Group Date

Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, and Eric: “Sometimes in relationships the women have to take charge.” (Actually, they ALWAYS do.)

Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis accompany Rachel in order to weed out the guys and remind us of their existence because they were supposed to be on BIP.  Last I heard it was cancelled but we’ll see.

On the bus on the way to the mud wrestling competition, Raven asks both Bryce and Lee who isn’t right for Rachel. They both say Eric.

The mud wrestling competition was… well, muddy. The finalists are the professional wrestler (surprise) and the firefighter (the guy who carries a hundred pounds of gear on him when he’s on the job – another surprise). Yet again, Kenny’s game to lose and he loses.

After the competition, Rachel asks the girls who they like. Jasmine and Raven like Dean. It’s too bad about BIP. I thought Dean and Raven would be a good match.

Raven spills about Bryce and Lee saying they don’t think Eric is right for Rachel.

Night Portion

Adam asks Rachel to describe what she wants in a man in one word: secure.

That doesn’t bode well for Eric. Lee may be our villain but he was 100% right when he said that Eric’s lack of relationship experience and general insecurity will be a bad match for Rachel. If you’re attractive and you’ve reached the age of 29 and have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, something is very wrong with you. I don’t know what Eric’s deal is but Rachel should run and never look back.

I already see bunny-boiler tendencies in Eric. He’s totally self-involved and acts arrogant and proud to hide his insecurities.

Rachel talks to Eric about what Bryce and Lee said. Eric confronts Bryce and Lee. It’s all a bunch of high school drama between guys who are really boring and I’m bored.

In a classic dumb Bachelor/ette lead move, Rachel doesn’t listen to her friends’ advice or the advice of her other suitors and gives the rose to the person she wants to be right for her but isn’t.

Eric gets the group date rose.

Cocktail Party (AKA Shit-Talking Night)

The high school drama gets worse when Iggy tells Rachel about his argument with Eric and then promptly tells Eric that he ratted him out to Rachel. People are too honest this season. If you’re going to stab people in the back, don’t tell them. That’s the whole point of stabbing someone in the back. They don’t know it’s you if you’re behind them.

The whole party was kind of a blur. Lee and Iggy and Eric got into a big argument. Eric screamed a bit too loudly for America’s tender sensibilities (if you think Eric is scary when he gets mad, you should see me) and now everyone seems to think he’s crazy. Being mad and yelling doesn’t make you crazy. Being mad and yelling at the voices in your head makes you crazy.

Eric is just mad and he has a good reason to be. He may not be right for Rachel but he’s being ganged up on and it doesn’t feel good, especially if you’re sensitive.

It looks like we may have a “conversation” about race this week. I’m sure a fun time will be had by all. The next episode will have aired by the time I publish this so you already know what happens.

Next Up: The BIP situation

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