Group Date (AKA There will be blood… finally)
Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, and Adam: “I’ve taken a Viking to you guys. – Rachel”
Which means Will gets the other one-on-one.
Rachel and her guys travel by boat (and by travel I mean the guys exhaust themselves paddling an ancient Viking vessel) to an island where the men will compete in the Viking Olympics.
Adam claims to be falling for Rachel despite having spent no more than 15 minutes total with her since filming began.
Tom and Morgan, Viking fighting instructors (I hope they didn’t go to college for that), have come to the island (or live there in a van where most of their days are spent smoking Copenhangenious amounts of legal weed) to teach the boys how to play Viking fighting games.
Game one: Grease Stick. A stick is greased on one end and dry on the other. Rachel holds the dry end while the guys try to take it from her by grabbing the greased end. If you grab it out of her hand, you get to marry her. Courtship was weird in Viking times.
Once again, Peter is the real MVP when he totally ignores the stick and grabs Rachel instead.
Game two: Push the weak guy out of the circle. Dean is the weak guy.
Game three: One-legged jumping contests. I used to do this when I was seven. What are the chances Tom and Morgan came up with all these games 10 minutes before everyone arrived and said they were Viking games because no one who watches this show would know the f*cking difference anyway?
Game four: Fighting with wooden swords and shields.
The guys fight each other until two of them advance to the final round. Kenny and Adam are the finalists.
Halfway through the fight, Adam’s sword breaks and they are forced to fight using only their shields. Kenny manages to get the upper hand and is declared the winner but both men were sliced above their left eyelids by the sharp edges of their shields in the skirmish and the blood we were promised all season finally spills in typical anti-climactic Bachelor-franchise fashion.
Nothing worth mentioning happened during the night portion of the group date other than Rachel sent Kenny home early “so he could be with his daughter” and Peter got the group date rose which was long overdue. If I were Peter and Rachel DIDN’T give me the group date rose, I would have gotten up and walked out.
(AKA A little less conversation about white girls, a little more action, please)
Rachel and Will go to Sweden where Will misses every romantic opportunity to make out with Rachel which leaves her feeling undesirable by the time dinner rolls around.
Will lets Rachel know that he has mostly dated white girls because there wasn’t a big enough pool of black women to choose from where he grew up and there were even fewer in college.
Allow me to interpret Rachel’s polite silence:
Will THEN adds he’s always been a passionate person and that physical contact is very important to him.
Rachel puts two and two together and comes up with Will isn’t that attracted to black women and might be a bit of a snob and traitor to his people.
And with that, Will, the only potential quality mate left on the show gets the clog (when in Denmark…)
Will apologizes profusely for not being more romantic with Rachel and lets her know he finds her very attractive and he regrets not being more expressive.
Sorry, buddy. No backsies.
Once again, there is no cocktail party. Eric and Peter have roses.
As Rachel is about to launch into her speech about how great they all are and how lucky she is, she gets teary-eyed and has to leave the room because she “doesn’t like to show emotion.” Wait, what show is this? Isn’t this supposed to be a love story filled with drama and emotion?
Rachel composes herself and returns to the ceremony.
Alex goes home which means the final four is probably going to be Peter, Bryan, Dean, and Eric. #Sad
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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:
All the Pretty Pandas – Sharleen maintains two blogs. This one is more in-depth than the Flare blog and also gives you an inside look at the fashion on the show. If you’re interested in the looks the women wear on the show, definitely check it out.
Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese.
OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.
6 thoughts on “Bachelorette 2017 – Episode 4 5 6 Recap”
BEST RECAP EVER!!!! I laughed so hard reading this that I had to read it a second time and I am still laughing. Emily, your sense of humor is priceless!! This was so worth the wait. I’m grateful you took the time to write it. Thanks for providing me with my laughter therapy!
Thanks so much for your feedback and support. I’m glad I could provide you with laughter therapy!
I agree with Maria! This recap was one of your very BEST!!! Thanks for continuing to write. I don’t mind waiting to be entertained! Actually recapping a couple episodes at once makes a lot of sense, especially this season when there have been more than a couple episodes with not much happening! You had some great lines in there Emily. Your take on Lee had me laughing. His hair was way too much. I’m not certain that Bryan is as sincere & invested as Rachel but I’m hoping I’m wrong. She really didn’t have the most interesting group of guys but I’m still curious to see how it all plays out.
Sorry for the delayed response. I hope you subscribe to the comments or you’ll never see this.
I guess we know now how the season turned out. I still don’t trust Bryan but I’m hoping I’m wrong since I want Rachel to be happy.
I’m glad you enjoyed the recap. Thank you so much for your continued feedback and support! I really appreciate it.
I am pretty sure you covered it all and for the first time in weeks I enjoyed this very boring season, love Rachel, but I agree that she has lousy taste in men. Just like Marla and Julie I love your humor. You brought on the laughter. So worth the wait. Thank you!
I’m glad the recap was worth the wait. Sorry for the delayed response. I’ve been running out of time every day for the last couple of months.
I’m glad I could make the season a little better for you. For me, the most fascinating part was the last episode. If only the whole season had been that compelling.
Thank you for your feedback and support!