The Season Premiere of The Bachelorette 2015- Who Will Be Our Bachelorette?

We hear a conversation between Brady and Kupah.

Kupah: “Britt is more of a trophy wife and Kaitlyn is more of a wife.”

Brady: “And do you want a trophy wife or-”

Kupah: “I do.”

So Kupah is either a total douche or the victim of a really bad edit. Either way, he’ll be gone soon enough.

Then Jonathan, the guy with the kid, contemplates the possibility of having a connection with both women and having to move to Utah so he can marry both of them. Did I mention this guy’s a player?

But this is one of the problems with having two bachelorettes. The thought of bigamy isn’t far from anyone’s mind, least of all the immature horn dogs of the world.

The women finally come in and greet the guys. Kaitlyn opens with a joke:

“Knock, Knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Two Bachelorettes”

“Two Bachelorettes who?”

“No, that’s the joke.”

Hmmm… that was a bomb. They can’t all be winners though. Better luck next time Kaitlyn.

Then Britt makes a speech about how she’s there to find her best friend and true love and… I’m bored.

We then see an ITM in which Britt criticizes Kaitlyn’s approach. She assumes that because Kaitlyn doesn’t say she’s looking for a husband right out of the gate, that she’s not taking this as seriously and doesn’t want love as much as Britt does. This is the kind of solipsism I’ve seen in Britt which I believe makes her a terrible candidate for a wife. She thinks her way is the only way and there would be no room for a partner’s perspective in any relationship she might have.

Some people don’t introduce themselves to potential future mates on the first date by telling them they want to get married, be best friends, and have babies. In fact, if this weren’t a show where one of these women could be engaged in a matter of weeks, I would say Britt’s approach was less appropriate than Kaitlyn’s.

But we already know that Kaitlyn takes some time to open up and that Britt spills her guts before thinking about anything she says. Ideally, there would be one Bachelorette who could find a happy medium but it wasn’t in the cards this season which is why there are two Bachelorettes instead of one.

In the long run, despite her slower pace, Kaitlyn’s caution is much more likely to lead to a true love connection than Britt’s leap-first approach. Kaitlyn’s approach doesn’t work so well for TV but Britt’s doesn’t work so well for real life.

Alright, so now it’s open season in the house and Ian is the first to take charge and ushers Kaitlyn away for some one-on-one time.

Ben H. and Britt are seen talking about their sponsor children. I hope they find something else to talk about or it’s going to be a long, silent marriage.

Then Tony and Britt sit down and wax metaphysical. Britt conveniently forgets he introduced himself to Kaitlyn the exact same way he did to her and reassures him of the great first impression he made. This is the kind of thing that has given Britt the reputation of being a liar. We know she didn’t like that he said the same thing to both of them but she says the complete opposite to his face.

It could be said that she’s just trying to be kind but what she’s really doing is denying her own feelings in order to please someone else and her motive is either to comfort him or to get his vote and we’ll never know which it is because she almost always says what people want to hear over what she really thinks. This kind of behavior is the reason people don’t want her to be The Bachelorette. They call it “being fake” but everyone on TV is a fake in some way, especially on this show.

Britt is not being fake. She’s not being true to herself and that’s going to haunt her in any relationship she has. I believe this is what Britt’s former co-contestants sensed on The Bachelor and what America senses in her that makes them reject her as “being on the show for the right reasons.” I do believe Britt does want to get married and have a family. I don’t think she’s lying about that. I just don’t think she fully comprehends who she has to be or the compromises she’ll have to make in order to have those things. She wants a fairytale and fairytales aren’t real.

Okay, so in the midst of this very hard to follow conversation between Britt and Tony, the “amazing” count kicks off:

Britt +1 – “amazing”
Tony +1 – “amazing”

Chris Harrison announces the voting has begun. Tony barely waits for Chris to finish his sentence before practically knocking people over to get to the voting room.

Why he is so eager is beyond me since his ITM suggests he didn’t make up his mind until he was in the voting room. The voting room consists of a table with two chests with rose shaped holes in the top. To vote for Britt, you place a rose in her chest and likewise for Kaitlyn.

Tony votes based on the “pulsating vibrations” coming from Britt’s “chest”. I’m now wishing they’d used vases instead of what will forthwith be referred to as either a “chest” or a “box” by the leads and the contestants. Too many dirty jokes.

Jonathan, the player, votes for Britt. Shocker.

Ian, the runner, votes for Kaitlyn. Again, not surprising.

Next we see Ben H. talking to Kaitlyn. He asks her about her bird tattoo which she’s touched by because not many people have ever asked her about it, not even Chris Soules. She claims the type of bird on her arm is the only one that knows how to find its way home. The bird has symbolic meaning for her because she’s lived all over the world but she’s always returned home eventually because home and family are the most important part of her life. Good answer. Way better than that terrible knock knock joke she told earlier. And it manages to win Ben H. over.

He was the one who felt butterflies with Britt and connected with her over their sponsor children but apparently Britt’s beauty and charity wasn’t enough to overshadow Kaitlyn’s depth and authenticity in Ben’s eyes. So he changes his mind and votes for Kaitlyn. Not only is Ben the best looking guy on the show but he’s wise too? No way this guy doesn’t get to the final four.

Ryan M. is getting increasingly belligerent and scary. In a moment with the guys, he refers to the bachelorettes as “a couple of hoes” and then proceeds to grab Kaitlyn’s ass.

Ben Z. kicks off the “here for the right reasons” count in regard to Ryan M. (as in he’s NOT).

Ben Z. +1 – “here for the right reasons”

Ryan strips to his boxers and goes for a very drunken swim. Sometime later, he stumbles into the voting room and nearly knocks Kaitlyn’s portrait off the wall. Instead of using his rose to vote, he throws it against the wall like a petulant child. He’s a keeper.

Or not. Next, some big mafioso looking guy walks into the house and tells Ryan Chris Harrison wants to have a word with him outside. So now Chris H. is the Godfather of the Bachelorette. If only he had done a Marlon Brando impression when he kicked Ryan M. to the curb.

Chris H. and J.J. up the “here for the right reasons” counter.

+1 Chris H. – “here for the right reasons”
+1 J.J. – “here for the right reasons”

Okay, so before they had 25 guys and now they have 24. A tie is now conveniently possible between the women. I will be very annoyed if this happens.

Here’s how the rest of the votes go down:

Chris votes for Kaitlyn.
Corey votes for Kaitlyn.
Kupah votes for Britt.
Ben Z. votes for Kaitlyn.
Josh votes for Britt.
Justin, in perhaps his one appearance on the show, says he voted for Britt.

We can assume Chris, Ian, Joe, Tanner, and Shawn B. voted for Kaitlyn and Jared, J.J., and Brady voted for Britt.

So that’s 7 votes for Britt that I can count and 10 votes for Kaitlyn. A girl needs 13 votes to win. Kaitlin’s only 3 votes away.

A stripper, a guy who might be into bigamy, a guy who wants a trophy wife, and a guy who molests plants voted for Britt.

A guy with a sponsor child, an intelligent, articulate guy who went to Princeton, and a guy who tries to make his dead mother proud every day voted for Kaitlyn.

Which just goes to show that the kind of person you are determines the kind of person you’ll attract. I’m not saying that Britt’s as ridiculous as the guys who voted for her are but the real gems went for Kaitlyn.

Finally, Chris tallies the vote.

Chris H.: “Let me go tell the women.” He goes outside to find them and cut to black. “To be continued.”

Me: “Oh, f*ck you!”

Here are the final “amazing” and “here for the right reasons” counts:

+2 – “Amazing”
+3 – “Here for the right reasons”

Seems pretty low for an episode but the season’s just getting started. I’ll be back in a couple days to recap the second episode. This recap took much longer than I was expecting it to.

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