Evan and Carly break record for longest hottest grossest kiss
Evan and Carly break record for longest hottest grossest kiss

Bachelor In Paradise 2016 – Week 2

Bachelor In Paradise 2016 – Week 2

Hey, Bachelor Nation.

A quick note before I get started: One of my regular readers wrote me and said that her comments were disappearing after she hit the submit button. If anyone else is having the same problem, please contact me.

I found one comment in my spam folder from Julie (I rescued it). There is a flaw in my comment form that will allow you to submit a comment without entering the captcha code at the end and it will go to my spam folder. I haven’t found a suitable alternative yet so, please, make sure you enter that code or I will not even be notified of your comment. The only reason I found Julie’s is because I was looking for the other lady’s comment.

I do want to hear from you guys because it makes all of this worthwhile for me so I want to make sure nothing is going wrong with the comments. Please, let me know if you are having problems too.

Okay, moving on.

Preamble

Well, we made it through week two of Bachelor in paradise.

It looks like Chad’s reign of terror is officially over. I don’t know what all that footage is about where Evan is in an ambulance and a piss-poor EMT blows an IV and lets him bleed all over the place but it wasn’t Chad’s doing.

I guess that’s coming up.

This week, both Josh and Nick mentioned a tell-all book that Andi Dorfman wrote about her experience on The Bachelorette and her relationships with Nick and Josh. And, of course, I want to read that sh*t.

It’s still in hardcover though at $15 and I’m broke so that’s not happening anytime soon. But I did read some excerpts online about Josh and Nick. From Andi’s perspective, Josh is a controlling, abusive asshole which doesn’t surprise me in the least. I knew he was a tool the second he opened his mouth on her season of The Bachelorette.

She said some pretty messed up things about Nick too but nothing compared to the trash talking she did about Josh. Basically, the worst things she said about Nick were that she introduced him to her family before Josh so she could set the bar really low and make Josh look better by comparison and that when she and Nick had sex in the fantasy suite, Nick asked her if she wanted to “f*ck or make love”. She said it “killed her lady boner”.

lady_boner
ยฉ2016 Sloppy Stitches

I don’t know why Andi thought Nick was so far beneath Josh. I only know what I see on TV and what shows up in my Twitter feed, but I don’t understand why asking someone if they want to f*ck or make love is such a “lady boner” killer. Maybe I’m just too open about sex that something like that wouldn’t really bother me that much. If he said it in a really creepy way, I might get turned off, but if he was being sexy or flirty, I probably wouldn’t have an issue with it.

What I really want to know is if Andi thought Nick was so sub-par compared to Josh why she bothered to sleep with him in the first place. I wouldn’t sleep with my runner-up period but there’s a lot of things that would be different in my own personal fantasy season of The Bachelorette. (Ladies, I know you have one too all mapped out in your heads.)

I guess I’ll have to buy the book to find out all the dirt.

If any of you are interested in the book, it’s called “It’s Not OK” and it’s available on Amazon. The reviews are very mixed. About half the people who read it think it’s total trash and horribly written and the other half think it’s amusing and not as bad as the other reviewers make it out to be. I don’t care. I’m definitely going to read it.

One more thing to mention before I start the recap is that I watched a video that Sharleen Joynt was in with a group of women who were doing their fantasy picks for Bachelor in Paradise before it started airing. The video was at the top of her BIP Week 1 recap if you want to watch it (there’s a link to Sharleen’s blog at the end of this post).

In the video, Sharleen claims that Nick really believes he can find love on one of the Bachelor shows and that he’s a hopeless romantic. I’m still finding it hard to believe that he isn’t just on the show to get more Twitter followers but I do put a lot of stock in Sharleen’s opinion. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens with Nick this season and reserve judgment until the end. He’s definitely still in my penalty box though.

All right. Time to revisit this horror show.

rocky_horror_picture_show

Bachelor in Paradise 2016 Recap Week 2 – Episode 1

The first thing that happens this week is Chad’s fairly unceremonious exit given the buildup last week but he doesn’t leave before telling Chris Harrison, “On a scale of 1 to f*ck off, f*ck off!” and musing aloud that there’s nothing he can do now in life because of the show and “that he’s never going to be The Bachelor now”. In what universe could Chad have ever been The Bachelor?

And if that wasn’t deluded enough, Chad claims that all the girls were “vibing” him until they found out they weren’t supposed to like him because he’s bad. No Chad. You are bad and that’s why the girls didn’t like you.

As usual, the drama that was foreshadowed in the previews from last week did not come to pass.

The first girl to show up this week is Leah from Ben’s season. What happened to this girl? She was drop-dead beautiful and now she’s super skinny, her face seems bloated, and she’s obviously had lip injections. I don’t understand the girls on these shows. It’s like they see themselves on television and think they’re fat and ugly so they go away and make themselves look ACTUALLY hideous by indulging in plastic surgery and anorexia.

body_dismorphic_disorder
ยฉ2016 MimiAndEunice.com

I thought Leah was one of the prettiest girls on the show on Ben’s season and now she looks like a sea witch. Fortunately, her condition isn’t permanent. She looked much better on After Paradise.

She comes to Paradise with a date card and is disappointed to find that Chad is gone and now she’ll have to date a guy who isn’t an abusive douche nozzle who could have helped keep her downward self-esteem spiral going.

Haley and Emily immediately start trash talking Leah in their ITMs. They call Leah a “lying b*tch” behind her back and then hug her and tell her how great it is to see her when they greet her in person.

cough_hypocrites

Leah interviews the guys to see which one can serve as a replacement for Chad.

Leah and Daniel talk to see if they’re compatible and Leah mentions there are a lot of beautiful women in paradise and if she were a man, she’d be pretty happy. To which Daniel responds, “If I were a man, I’d be pretty happy too.” So he’s admitting he’s not a man. Well, at least he’s honest with himself.

Izzy gets uncomfortable when Leah interviews Vinny – not because she likes him or anything but because she really needs his rose to stay in Paradise. And she says it like that’s a perfectly good justification for potentially preventing the possibility of someone else’s happiness.

I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch

After Leah talks to Nick to see if they might be compatible, Jubilee, the twins, and Amanda get caught spying on them from the cabana so Nick goes over to talk to them. We find out that Nick has a biologically large head in proportion to his body.

Joey_shocked
NICK HAS A BIG HEAD??? NO WAY!

We also find out that Hemily has scoliosis and offers to let Nick touch her “hump” (which just happens to be right above her ass) but just as he’s about to cop a feel, Leah interrupts them and asks Nick to go on her date with her.

cock_block

Nick and Leah scamper off to get ready for their date while both Hemily’s gratuitously eat bananas in slow motion. A soft-core porn score plays over the scene. Really? And what was with the hair flipping? I eat bananas every day and not once have I felt the need to flip my hair while eating one. It seems like the producers were really scraping the bottom of the barrel for material after Chad left.

Next, Lace drags Vinny into some unnecessary drama with Grant. She’s afraid of going home but she’s also afraid to talk to Grant so she asks Vinny to do it for her. Fortunately for Lace, Grant is really into crazy and is more than willing to cater to it but I have no patience for it. Good luck with that, Grant.

Nick and Leah’s Date

The first stop on their boring Paradise date is to a margarita festival which I’m pretty sure was put there just for filming purposes.ย  There’s a margarita sample booth set up where people can try free margaritas. I imagine if Mexico had Costco’s, they’d all have a margarita sample booth… and then we’d all move to Mexico and get Costco memberships.

Wow. This date is really lame. At the end of it, Leah sticks her tongue down Nick’s throat but he doesn’t seem to be into it. Riveting. Moving on.

Amanda is jealous that Leah got to go on a date with Nick instead of her (which will make it all the more obnoxious when she suddenly gives him the shaft when when Josh shows up).

A little after returning from his date with Leah, Nick receives an unexpected date card. This is very unusual because this week, the girls are supposed to get date cards and ask the guys out and the guys get to hand out the roses. But according to Nick’s date card, there are no rules in Paradise. No rules the producers aren’t willing to break to create drama that is.

Leah mistakenly believes that Nick is as into her as she is into him and will obviously want to take her on a second date for the day. Nick, however, has no interest in Leah and asks Amanda out instead.

drama

Leah decides to torture Amanda while she’s getting ready for her date with Nick by claiming Amanda is trying to be like her. I don’t know what this is about but it definitely has a Single White Female vibe to it. Leah is a creeper.

Nick and Amanda’s Date

Amanda and Nick go to a cantina where Nick tries to get Amanda to admit she has edge but all she can do is tell him she has a big heart and that she stands up for herself because she’s boring and not particularly bright. She has about as much edge as Minnie Mouse.

At the end of the date, Nick and Amanda make out in front of a beach-side bonfire.

Amanda seems really into Nick. Nick is into Amanda. I can’t tell you why it was so easy for Josh to sweep in later and break them up. I guess if you’re a female on the dumb side, Josh seems like a smooth talker but he’s actually just a meathead thug and a playa’.

chicks_dig_me

Carly and Evan hang out together a lot and seem to be couple-like even if they aren’t quite a couple.

Carly breaks the ice and kisses Evan. Evan thinks the kiss was heaven and Carly thinks it’s hell. Carly can’t figure out how Evan has two children. Maybe because he’s good-looking and perceiving someone to be a bad kisser is a subjective experience and not objective fact? Oops. I made the mistake of expecting rational thinking from reality show contestants.

I can tell a lot about how somebody kisses by looking at their mouth and the way that they talk and I have no idea why Evan would be a bad kisser unless his breath is rank. It could also be that Carly has a slit for a mouth so anyone with even slightly full lips would envelop her mouth completely. That’s always awkward but I don’t think his mouth was so much bigger than hers that it should’ve been the problem it was.

And newsflash, Carly, not every first kiss is great. Sometimes both people have to adjust their kissing styles to kiss well together. I don’t see any reason why these two can’t kiss reasonably well. The anatomical differences are not significant enough to make it a deal-breaker.

Lace and Grant decide to sleep in the same bed together and think they’re so clever by throwing a sarong over the camera at the end of their bed. They must be dumb because I know they’ve seen this show before and must have witnessed what a fool’s errand it is to escape the prying eyes of the Bachelor producers.

we_are_everywhere

At this point, Lace seems to be sleeping with Grant for a rose. Way to keep it classy, honey.

I love the screen grabs of the crabs boinking on the beach while we hear Lace moaning behind closed doors.

OBVIOUS_MUCH - it would have been subtler to hit me over the head with a baseball bat

I have no idea why Leah gets up in the morning and inflates a giant swan but Emily looks on in confusion, trying to remember from Ben’s season the difference between a duck and a swan.

Next: Cocktail Party, Rose Ceremony, Episode 2, and After Paradise

12 thoughts on “Bachelor In Paradise 2016 – Week 2

  1. Hi Emily, Thanks for another great recap. I was up late and was happy to find you had posted. Hopefully this comment will reach you and not get lost in cyber space or your spam folder! It’s been kind of a crazy busy intense few weeks for me so I’m wondering if I’m just not putting the codes in right. In any event, I do want to tell you how much I enjoy reading your summaries. They have been a very nice diversion to all the chaos in my life right now. I get a kick out of the way you view all our favorite singles. You are so right about the producers looking to create the drama. What is with these women and the lip injections not to mention the false eyelashes and hair extensions?!! Thanks again for your efforts. I also loved you nerding out on Robert Frost. It had been a long time since I read that one, and it’s a good one!

    • Hi, Julie.

      I don’t know when the comment was from. I think it was a couple weeks ago. I really need to find a different way to verify comments but I haven’t found something good yet. It’s just too easy for comments to go to the spam folder and you would never know. You’d either notice your comment didn’t show up or think it did and go on about your day.

      All your other comments have shown up as far as I know. It was just the one in a sea full of spam messages. You probably just missed the code once and didn’t realize it.

      I’m really glad you enjoy my recaps! I aim to entertain. Sorry to hear about the chaos. Hope it clears up soon. ๐Ÿ™‚

      I don’t know what it is with the women on these shows and all the fakery. Who has the time for all that? Hair extensions are a pain to keep up from what I’ve heard. Lip injections calm down after a little while. I think Leah had hers done right before Paradise which is why she looked all bloated. You have to get injections around your mouth too to make your lips look naturally plump. I think she was full of whatever they use.

      But what I really don’t get are fake eyelashes. They can make women look for feminine but I wouldn’t want to glue stuff to my face every day. I’m a human being not a Jim Henson creature.

      I do understand plastic surgery in some cases to make people feel more normal but I do thank that it along with beauty products can also be false advertising.

      Glad you enjoyed the poem! It had been a long time for me too! I was young the first time I read it and it’s much more meaningful (and comprehensible) now.

      Thank you for your feedback and support! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Love your recaps Emily!

    I ordered Andi’s book from Amazon (I almost didn’t after reading the reviews…but after another week of Josh I just had to LOL)! I’d be happy to send to you when I’m finished as I don’t keep read books around. If you are interested, I guess you can see my email per sign up below (I’d rather it not be published)

    • Hey, Robin.

      I’d love to read the book after you’re finished. Your email shows up in your comment on my side so I can just contact you using that email. That would be awesome!

      I really want to read it. I’m sure I’ll roll my eyes a lot but if I can sit through 4 hours of BIP every week, I’m sure I can manage. Plus, nothing can be worse than 50 Shades of Grey. For me, the M in S&M in that book was having to read 400 pages of Anastasia Steele’s internal dialog.

      Thanks so much for your comment and support! ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. I’m going to try to post a short comment as a test:)
    Loved the recap as usual! What is with Amanda? Her body language is all…”don’t hold me that tight… Ok I’ll kiss you I front of everyone but just to appease you so you will stop” I don’t see her being all that into Josh. Or else she does like him but not his PDA alpha male, pee all over his territory behavior.
    Pat

    • It went through! Yay!

      I’m glad you liked the recap! Thanks for your emails.

      I didn’t notice Amanda being squeamish around Josh but watching Josh kiss anyone is cringe-worthy and Amanda always looks like she’s annoyed to me. I do think she’s into him, God help her. I just do not understand the appeal. People keep saying he’s so good-looking. I feel like I’m looking at one of those crazy computer drawings that looks like chaos but if you stare at it long enough, you can see a 3-D boat. Only everyone else can see the boat and I’m like, “What boat? There is no boat!”

      He’s gross. Definitely alpha male behavior.

      Thanks so much for your comment and support! ๐Ÿ˜€

  4. You are my spirit animal! Ha-ha! I was yelling at the TV, “Two roads diverged, morons! Diverged!”
    Thank you for the recap, and I hope the problem with comments posting has been resolved for you.

    • Hey, Melissa.

      I’ve never been someone’s spirit animal! I’m honored.

      I really do tire of the Bachelor contestants’ uneducated prattle. Can we just have one, JUST ONE, season where the collective IQ of the cast is greater than that of a rabbit?

      I mean really, divulged? At least, the editors were erudite enough to notice what a couple of dummies Jared and Evan were being and mock them. There is hope for our educational system.

      Thanks for your comment and support! Always appreciated! ๐Ÿ™‚

      • I never thought of it that way, but you’re right; someone at BIP was smart enough to hear that conversation and realize what fun it would be to mock them. There is hope for the future! ๐Ÿ™‚
        Which reminds me: Is it possible for the twins to really be that dumb? Especially after last night, when we all had to listen to them attempt to pronounce “vulnerable” over and over and over…

        • I think some women pretend to be dumber than they are to get male attention. I think they’re exaggerating but I also don’t think they’re especially bright,

  5. My very favorite part of this week and possibly this whole series was the After Paradise discussion of Chad. Diablo Cody was like, “As someone who gets wasted a lot, I can understand Chad’s actions.” Then Jubilee throws in her two cents with both a touch of class and complete shade and says, “No. As a grown ass woman who can handle her liquor, there was no excuse for what he did.” Slam! In your face, Brook Busey-Maurio (That’s Diablo Cody’s real name. I just like to laugh at the fact that her real name is Brook and she renamed herself something ridiculous).

    I also loved when Chad and Lace discussed how they talked previously and the hostess freaked out and said, “That’s enough breaking the fourth wall, guys.” Hilarious. Everyone knows the “contestants” talk and even hook up before hand. It’s completely producer generated. That’s why many of them “fall in love” so quickly. They’ve already been in contact for months. It doesn’t happen in paradise in 18 days.

    • I missed that part of the conversation. Maybe because I don’t drink I can’t relate. It’s part of my illness. I can’t digest alcohol. That’s right. I watch this show sober! Oh, the horror.

      I didn’t know Diablo Cody’s real name was Brook. I’m pretty sure Diablo was her stripper name. How could it not be ridiculous? But it’s kind of ridiculous that she kept it. However, if you want someone to read your screenplay in Hollywood, you need to intrigue people as much as possible so I could see a reason to use the stripper name.

      I was wondering what Michelle Collins was talking about regarding the fourth wall. I couldn’t hear exactly what Chad and Lace said. Now I get it.

      Thanks so much for your comment, Megan! Much appreciated as always. ๐Ÿ˜€

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