Group Date Night Portion
Kristina decides if she wants to make it through the next two rose ceremonies, she’s going to have to play some kind of role in this show. She decides to make a play for contestant with saddest sob story and ultimate Corinne hater. Both are respectable choices but the latter will keep her in the game the longest.
Kristina and Nick sit down to chat. Kristina wants to tell Nick about her broken childhood in Yuga-russia-slovakia but it’s a long story so she suggests telling him in pieces.
Nick: I want to hear about it
not really but I want to make sure we have enough time. The producers are telling me in my ear they’re going to dedicate a solid 10 minutes to your story in a future episode. I love watching you. You have such a zest for life. I have no interest in you personally but wanna f*ck? After you get off your shift of torturing Corinne, we’ve got nothing but time.
In the contestant corral, Corinne overhears the other women talking about her behind her back. She hears the word “immature” on a lot of lips.
Um… okay. You have boobs so, physically, you’re mature but grabbing your tits and shaking them for the camera to demonstrate your maturity is mentally immature. But do, continue…
I know I’m a good girl because Daddy tells me all the time and Raquel only tried to run away once since I turned eighteen but she stopped trying to get away after I called the INS and she had to sit in immigrant jail for two months. She caught tuberculosis and I pay for her antibiotics because I’m a good person and I’m not just saying that. But if she tries to leave, she’ll die. I’m a corn husk with all these layers and inside are all of these kernels of knowledge. It’s juicy and buttery and you want to get to that corn. Sometimes when I’m hungry I pick lint out of my belly button and eat it because I’m just so buttery and I have no idea how far is too far to take a metaphor.
Meanwhile, in adult world, Vanessa and Nick sit down to talk. Vanessa gives him a book that her students made for him about how awesome she is.
That’s sweet but kind of weird. She had her Canadian special needs students take time out of learning to make a book for some creep looking for love on reality TV in America? And wasn’t she teaching them in French in the clip we saw of her classroom? How did they make a book for him that he could read?
Corinne decides to confront the other women for talking about her behind her back.
Corinne: If you have a problem with me,
say it to my face bitches please, let me me know.
Sarah: Are you genuinely ready to marry a 36-year-old-man? I don’t see you meeting his maturity level. I would step through sh*t to be with Nick.
Also, I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns because you’re prettier and more interesting than I’ll ever be even if you are a spoiled brat.
Corinne: I would too but I was losing circulation to my fingers and I literally almost had to go to the hospital.
How did she even get through the day?
Kristina: I care about you.
I don’t give damn about you. I eat you for breakfast, American princess. But I don’t eat rats and sleep in factory boiler room to survive Moscow winters to lose chance to be on television so I talk to you. How are you going to be there for him if you can’t even handle the situation with the other girls? There will be a lot of negative comments about you because you missed the rose ceremony.
Corinne: I didn’t choose to handle those situations the way I did. I had a very serious medical condition.
Kristina: I’m not stupid.
Corinne: I had a panic attack.
Emily: <begin rant>Just NO. There is no one who understands panic attacks better than I do and I’m sorry but if you’d ever had one, you’d know what a f*cking loser you are right now for saying you had one when you obviously didn’t. People like you make people like me seem like we’re drama queens too because you use panic attacks to get out of taking responsibility for yourself.
What exactly made you panic? The fact that Nick might not like you? You being upset and hysterical because things didn’t go your way is not a “panic attack”. It’s a temper tantrum.
When you have a real panic attack, you can’t control your breathing. It feels like you’re dying because you are dying because you aren’t getting enough oxygen to your brain. The first time people have panic attacks, they usually go to the ER because they feel like they’re ACTUALLY dying only to be told it was “just” a panic attack.
You black out sometimes during panic attacks. If you happen to be driving, you may have to stop your car in the middle of the goddamned freeway because you’re dizzy and can’t breathe and if you keep going, you’re going to have an accident.
Try sitting in the middle of a busy freeway in rush hour traffic, cars rushing past you, honking and swerving to get out of the way while you’re too paralyzed mentally and physically to even reach for your cell phone to call for help. THAT, my dear, is a full-blown panic attack.
Let me know when you have one of those, Corinne, and you’ll have my deepest sympathy. Until then, f*ck the f*ck off with your fake panic attacks.</end rant>
Sorry. I just get really fed up with women saying they have panic attacks on this show to get attention when they have no idea what a real panic attack is or how dangerous they can be depending on when and where you have them.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Kristina and Corinne were chatting.
Kristina: All you had to do was stand there for 20 minutes.
Corinne (ITM): Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. And I’m in trouble trouble for napping. I didn’t mean to offend anybody by taking that nap. 😆
I’m pretty sure Hitler and Mussolini took naps too but, sure, compare yourself to admirable humans since all humans take naps.
Kristina gets the group date rose to her surprise and ours.
I didn’t know what to expect from Raven’s date. By the end, she became one of my favorite contestants to ever appear on the show.
This is how I was when the date stated at Bella’s soccer game:
Then Raven meets Nick’s parents:
They go to Skateland:
They’re having dinner in a museum:
Raven on catching her ex-boyfriend in bed with another woman: I know what her vagina looks like.
Raven: My head spun around like the Exorcist. I shoved him off of her and started punching her.
Raven: Then I grabbed her stiletto and beat him with it.
Nick: I don’t know whether to be scared or turned on or both.
Emily: BOTH, MOTHERF*CKER! BOTH!
Raven: I’m not proud of what I did.
Emily: Well, I’M proud of you. That was f*cking bad-ass. Maybe not the most mature way to handle the situation but who cares?
Raven gets the rose. Damn straight, she gets the rose.
I don’t have time to cover the whole thing. But here were my favorite parts:
I just happened to be watching Jimmy Fallon when this skit came on. It’s a reenactment of the conversation between Corinne and Josephine:
The confrontation between Corinne and Taylor was a spectacular sh*t show. I’m looking forward to seeing how it ends tonight.
Okay, I have to go. Thanks everyone for the comments last week letting me know which parts you like about my writing. Happy Bacheloring!
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Therese Odell’s blog – Spoiler free and if you like snark, you will love Therese. (She has a new site. This is the updated link: foolishwatcher.com)
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IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps by Lincee. Super nice lady too!
Some Guy in Austin – Spoiler-free guy’s perspective on the shows.
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about all things Bachelor.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.
10 thoughts on “Bachelor 2017 Recap: Episode 4”
Hi Emily! LOVE this recap!!! You are SO funny!!! This is the BEST one yet!!! There are too many favorites to mention them all…but the one that made me snort laugh all the way through, was your take on Raven’s One on One date!!! ……also I agree with you, DULLielle L. is “dull as dirt”!!
Hey, Jude. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.) 😉
I’m glad you enjoyed the recap. I aim to entertain.
Thank you so much for the great feedback! It means a lot to me. 🙂
Hilarious as always. I was practically falling asleep during Danielle and then perked right up with Raven. She’s just cool and, like Vanessa, probably too good for Nick and for this show. I wish Nick had gotten rid of Corinne after talking with Vanessa. I felt like he was trying to tell her to be patient because he’ll probably pick her, but has to do this nonsense first.
I can’t remember if this was your blog or Charleene’s but one of you said that in the real world, after an amazing date like Vanessa and Nick had, they’d probably stop seeing other people, explore their connection, and start a relationship. I’m sure it’s confusing for Vanessa to feel that and then see him literally dicking around with other girls
… but the fact he kept Corinne says 2 things: 1. He’s easily seduced and (like a young girl) confuses sex for love 2. He cares more about the show than the genuine relationships he’s building
“Is Waukesha part of Milwaukee?” I dated a guy from Waukesha and he would also at times say he was from Milwaukee. Waukesha is a small suburb adjacent to the city. If you look it up online, Google says the suburb is considered “part of the greater Milwaukee metropolitan area.”
Thanks for the info about Waukesha. I was too lazy to look it up so I’m glad you knew about it.
I’m glad I could make you laugh. That’s my goal.
It was my blog, not Sharleen’s but I’m happy to get confused with Sharleen. 🙂
I did get the impression that Nick was trying to say that he really wanted Vanessa there. Now that Danielle L. is gone I view her as the frontrunner.
I don’t know if Nick confuses sex for love but he has to care about the show. He’s getting paid a lot of money to be on it. It’s not just a show for people to find love. In fact, the producers couldn’t care less if Nick finds love. It’s a business and on some level Nick DOES care more about the show because he didn’t need to go on it to find love. He wanted the money, fame, and attention that goes along with finding love this way.
I also honestly don’t know how much power Nick has to cut people. There’s a contract involved and I don’t know what that contract says. Is it possible he could be sued for cutting someone the producers didn’t want him to cut? I don’t know the answer to that question.
I know Vanessa was really pissed about Nick dicking around with Corinne. I think she should have watched the show a little bit more so she would know what to expect.
To me, it’s the same formula every season. There’s a villain who terrorizes the other contestants, all the contestants wonder why the lead doesn’t see their true colors, and then the villain gets cut around the halfway mark and the show gets boring after that because the normal contestants are usually boring. I think it would be interesting to see some more in-depth conversations between the lead and the contestants but Bachelor producers don’t seem to think that’s marketable so we never get to see the real bonding that leads these dumb dumbs to believe they’re ready to get engaged after 6 weeks.
Thanks for the feedback and support! It’s always appreciated! 🙂
SO FUNNY! The exhibit evidence of Corinne’s “lack of privilege” was golden!
I smiled when I read the part about the house on Lake Michigan. I have been lucky enough to live on Lake Michigan twice in my life. (Once on the Michigan side of the lake and once on the Chicago side.) It is MASSIVE. It looks like the ocean.
Thanks for another great recap!
I’m glad you liked the Lack of privilege gif. It was quite a bit of work to put it together so I’m glad it paid off.
I lived in Cleveland a couple times when I was interning at the NASA center there (a long time ago in a galaxy far far away) and Cleveland is on Lake Erie which is also GINORMOUS. I couldn’t see the other side. It was nice because I’m used to living by a large body of water.
Thanks for the comment! Always appreciated! 🙂
Nick is totally thinking with his dick hen it comes to Corinne.
If he didnt like her and was doing it for production, he wouldnt be making out with her constantly. Just wants fantasy suite unti he has no choice but to cut her sooner.
I would rather stay with the fake voodoo people then continue the date with Nick next episode LOL
Well, Nick is really into sex and Corinne is too and she’s also 12 years younger than he is. I mean he looks young but the man is 36 and he’s got a hot 24-year-old who is giving him the impression that she would like nothing more than to satisfy his carnal desires. That speaks to most men. The vast majority of men are looking for a sex partner in a wife before a romantic partner. That comes first. If it’s not there, they’re not interested in pursuing the romantic part.
Women tend to do the opposite.
So if that part is there with Corinne (and it’s there with her more than anyone else so far because Corinne leads with sex), Nick is going to take her seriously until he figures out once and for all that he can’t have the romantic part with her. I think he knows that but he’s biding his time.
It’s weird to see them together though because it’s just obvious she’s so much younger than he is physically and mentally. It’s almost creepy.
I hope he ditches her soon.
Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback! 🙂
A.M.E.N!!! That is all!!!!! You are the best thing ever~!
Thank you, Jaime!
I really appreciate your comments and continued support! 🙂