Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Week 5 – Episode 2

After Paradise

Samantha’s gonna face the nation. Look forward to more lies.

Jared’s on. Not sure why. If he did take Ashley’s V-card, which I seriously doubt, he’s about to blow the ending of the show.

And he promptly spoils the ending by intimating that they just talked in their fantasy suite.

Let it be known that Kris Jenner was supposed to be on the show but had a big allergic reaction and couldn’t make it… oh, and BTW, she’s on a show called “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Shameless plug.

Montage of Ashley crying over Jared not being into her. Jared looks unphased. 55% of America thinks Ashley and Jared should end up together. Just NO. Jared could have been a Bachelor contender. Ashley will likely end up on The Housewives of [INSERT FAMOUS CITY HERE].

Jaclyn’s on. She hoped there would be “more than personal trainers on the show” but when she walked in “it was like the jobless dad fitness instructor convention.” LOL. Okay, now Jaclyn’s growing on me.

Chris Bukowski is also on. The question posed to him is just “Why?”

Then The Bukowski announces his official retirement from reality TV. He gives an epic speech about how he became obsessed with being on TV and fixing his reputation, stating that every date was a group date with his demons. Then Chris Harrison ceremoniously retires his jersey.

I don’t think Chris B. wrote that speech but it was great and it sounded sincere. I’m a huge fan of anyone who chooses to opt out of the evils of reality TV in favor of a normal life so The Bukowski is forgiven all previous reality crimes in my book if he sticks to his word. Plus, Sharleen Joynt claimed in her blog this week that Chris B. is super nice and self-effacing in person and her word is pretty much gospel to me.

Next the question comes up of why Jaclyn and Chris B. never got together since they live in the same city. Um… because they’d be the worst match ever maybe? I live in the same city as Justin Bieber. Doesn’t mean we’re gonna get together.

Who’s retirement is America sadder to see? Chris B.’s or Clare’s raccoon’s (who’s also being retired. Thank you Jesus!). Personally, I’d rather see The Bukowski again. That’s how much I hate that damn raccoon. But America is happier to see The B go away.

Montage of Paradise contestants being attacked by bugs. Yawn.

Ashley I. is on. Boring chatter about Joe and Samantha.

And J.J. is on the line to talk about… get ready for it… Joe and Samantha.

Now this is getting ridiculous. Jorge the bartender is on the line to talk about Joe and Samantha! Oy. Like he has anything of value to contribute to this exhaustive conversation.

Samantha is coming on but has refused to come on the stage unless co-host, Jenny, who’s tweeted mean tweets about Sam, goes backstage. WTH? I think we can immediately assume she’s lying. Sam doesn’t like drama but she does a damn good job of creating it. Sheesh.

So Sam blames Joe, refuses to take responsibility for the text messages we clearly saw last night, and mixes up the word “manner” and “matter” as in “Juelia doesn’t deserve to be disrespected in any matter.” Aside from her possessing this bizarre grammar quirk, we’ve learned nothing new from Samantha.

Jenny can’t take it anymore though. She’s upset that Sam went for Joe when her friend was so into him.

I really can’t stand this rule of “girl code”. If you like a guy and he’s not into you, there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it. Why would you want to stop your friend who could potentially be happy with a guy who’s never going to be happy with you from dating him? It’s just selfish. It’s one thing to try to sabotage your friend’s relationship by going after their man, but it’s something else entirely to simply date and see where things go with someone your friend has an unrequited crush on. It’s no woman’s responsibility to deny her own happiness in order to sustain the deluded fantasy world a friend has created in her mind surrounding a guy she’s never going to be with.

So, simmer down, Jenny. Stop trying to get Samantha to help you maintain the absurd status quo of girl world.

LOL. Joe made a leather bound journal of his and Samantha’s text messages. Apparently, Sam sent Joe 221 text messages prior to the show. That speaks volumes, pardon the pun. Sam, you’re a stone-cold liar.

Alright, not happy to hear Sam has gotten death threats over this. Get a grip, psychos. Would you threaten to kill someone you knew in real life because they lied about some stupid text messages? You may not like what Samantha did but she didn’t exactly commit a capital offense.

Chris announces that next week will be the finale of Bachelor In Paradise. Oh, thank God. I’m going to have to watch about a thousand Ted talks to gain back the IQ points I lost watching this show.

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Check out these other blogs I think you’ll enjoy:

OfficeStace.com – She does a nice, short and to the point spoiler-free recap.
IHateGreenBeans.com – Thorough, spoiler-free recaps. Super nice lady too!
BachelorBurnbook.com – A compilation of the funniest tweets about Bachelor in Paradise.
Reality Steve – SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve is pretty caustic but love him or hate him, he’s entertaining and he’s the only truly accurate source for spoilers and “dirt” on contestants.
Sharleen Joynt’s Blog – Sharleen Joynt is the absolute bomb. She’s by far my favorite former Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. So glad I was finally able to find her blog to share with you guys. She is unsurprisingly the most insightful blogger about the Bachelor/ette/IP franchise.
Chris Harrison’s Blog – I don’t think he actually writes it but his ghost writer is damn clever, especially about BIP.

See you next week!

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