Bachelorette 2015 Recap: Twin Villains Find Love

06/03/201508/22/2015 by Emily Condit

The guys sit around on couches while Kaitlyn talks to each of them one-on-one in a secluded location nearby.

The night time portion of the date is pretty standard… until J.J. and Clint are left alone and the beginning of an evil, homo-erotic alliance starts to take shape.

J.J.: “Dude, she looks amazing in leather pants. I can’t wait to get to talk to her. ” (+5 “amazing”, +5 “here for the right reasons”)

Clint: “I think I’m just gonna hang back tonight. If she wants to talk, we can talk.”

Whoa. That came out of freaking nowhere. Kaitlyn gave him the first one-on-one of the season and he wants her to show him MORE favoritism? He has just sealed his fate. Even knowing what’s going to happen later in the episode, I knew as soon as those words came out of his mouth that he would not make final four. Thanks, Clint, for making my guesswork easier.

Even J.J. thinks it’s a bad idea for Clint to wait for Kaitlyn to come to him. It’s a sad day when J.J. Lane is the voice of reason.

J.J.: “I don’t think you should do that.”

Clint: “I think it’s the right move.”

I guess it just depends on what you’re trying to accomplish. If you want to win the girl’s heart, it’s the wrong move. If you want to get your ass kicked to the curb hard and go out in a blazing trail of Bachelor infamy, keep on truckin’.

Shortly after this, the guys have returned and Kaitlyn returns to the group with one of the guys she’s just had some one-on-one time with (Cupcake I think). She sits down next to Clint, like RIGHT next to him. She stares him down for a few seconds as if to say, “you are so going to blow it with me if you don’t ask to talk to me NOW.” But Clint doesn’t budge. So Kaitlyn asks Shawn for some one-on-one time.

They “reconnect” (<-they make out).

Surprise, surprise. Kaitlyn walks back and grabs the rose to give to Shawn. Clint is frustrated that she didn’t even bother in that little bit of time to ask to talk to him.

Clint, maybe in real life girls chase you all the time, I don’t know. Some people obviously find your neanderthal face attractive or they wouldn’t have put you on the show. But you are one of 19 guys vying for one girl. What on Earth makes you think she has the slightest inclination to chase after you above everyone else?

You might be the only guy on the show with a real job but you’re a prick. I’m sure you’ll have the pick of the Bachelor castoff litter when the show is over. Plenty of those psychos are just dying to be mind-f*cked by a d-bag like you.

Kaitlyn and Shawn return to the couches after Shawn has received his rose. Kaitlyn immediately calls Clint out:

“Clint, I don’t know what happened to you today. I took you on the first one-on-one date and you ignored me all day and didn’t even try to talk to me tonight. It’s a problem.”

I liked Kaitlyn before she was the Bachelorette but now I love her. I wish I had the presence of mind to be able to call people out like that the minute they f*ck with me.

Here’s where things start to get really strange and the birth of the villain twins is foreshadowed.

Clint’s ITM: “I’m coming to the realization that Kaitlyn isn’t the right girl for me. I’m under no false pretenses that things are working out. But there’s still some relationships with some of these guys that I’m enjoying. J.J. in particular. He’s got a lot of levels and he’s a sweetheart. He’s a good dude.”

Excuse me but WHAT THE FLYING F*CK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, CLINT?!?

You don’t like Kaitlyn but you want to stick around to hang out with J.J.? The self-confessed unemployed loser who has a kid and lives with his parents? The deluded egomaniac who thinks he has a huge c*ck and that Kaitlin would actually want to look at his ass cheeks? The rat’s nest of insecurity that believes his only chance of ever finding a mother for his child is by marrying The Bachelorette? Where is Amy Schumer when I need her?

This cannot stand. Clint must be mocked and yet his words seem to do a far better job than I ever could. I’m at a loss.

One-On-One with Ben Z.

Next up is the only one-on-one of the episode. Chris Harrison allegedly has planned a date for Kaitlyn and Ben Z. but Kaitlyn has no idea until she shows up at the mansion who her date is going to be. It must have been a huge ego boost for Ben to find out that Kaitlyn didn’t choose him for their date.

Their date is weird. They’re taken to a dark, creepy warehouse where Chris Harrison is waiting for them. He’s standing in front of some specimen jars and I swear one of them looked like a human fetus. It’s not like I’ve never seen a human fetus in a jar before but it doesn’t exactly scream “romance”.

Chris informs Ben and Kaitlyn that they’re about to go into a dark room, the door is going to lock behind them, and then they have to search for clues in the room in order to find the combination to unlock the door to get back out.

This is a horror attraction. I’ve never heard of it but it’s called, “The Basement: A Live Escape Room Experience.” Horror attractions are never scary to me because I always know they’re fake but if it sounds like fun to you and you’re in the L.A. area, Google it. I don’t know if it’s always as horrifying as they made it for the show but for people who get freaked out by Halloween attractions and enjoy it, this beats anything I’ve seen by a mile. There were live scorpions and maggots, about 10 large boa constrictors, and a creepy person completely swathed in a sheet on a bed that would pop up randomly. The walls were covered in fake blood and saws, limbs were hanging from the ceiling. You get the idea.

They also conveniently placed some birds in the entry to the room as well which scared the hell out of Kaitlyn. Apparently, she’s afraid of birds.

They go in, Kaitlyn is creeped out, Ben tries to protect her until they get to the room with the snakes where he loses his sh*t. They find all the clues, they unlock the door, they predictably make it out of the basement unscathed.

Ben: “We’re definitely not going to have a bird when we get married.”

At this point, Ben and Kaitlyn have known each other 5 days and the only remotely quality time they’ve spent together is in a blood-soaked basement in the dark. But he’s already thinking about marriage. I guess I can’t fault him too much. The participants of the Bachelor/Bachelorette aren’t exactly known for their emotional maturity.

Ben and Kaitlyn have a romantic pizza dinner back at her place. Ben confesses he never cried over the loss of his mother from cancer. I guess everyone grieves in their own time but 11 years seems excessive.

Ben gets the rose in the hot tub. It seems like it’s been a long time since there was a hot tub date on the Bachelor/Bachelorette. I remember there used to be one like every other episode. Now they scale buildings and bungee jump off of bridges. I’m really not a fan of either but I’ll take a makeout session in a hot tub over listening to a woman cry about having to descend from an absurd height any day.

Sex-Ed Group Date

The men on the date are:

Jonathan
Ben H.
Joshua
Ryan
Jared
Tanner

Their task: Teach sex-ed to a group of 12-year-olds.

Each guy is assigned a topic. Joshua gets female puberty, Ben H. gets reproduction, Ryan gets female anatomy, Jared gets male puberty, and no one really cares what Jonathan and Tanner get because they’re filler and will be going home next week or the week after.

Joshua claims to have learned everything he knows about sex from cows. This is not promising.

Jared makes up a rap about male puberty, “If you get a hair on your ball, you know who to call.” Ghostbusters?

Kaitlyn’s looking for a guy who’s comfortable talking about sex. She considers it a turn on. A guy who’s comfortable talking about sex is usually good at it in my experience so way to separate the men from the boys, K.

And the man who stands out the most is Ben H.: “When I explain sex to my kids, it’s going to be straightforward, it’s going to be honest and open. Getting to know someone physically and spiritually is extremely important.”

Unbeknownst to the guys, Kaitlyn is “pranking” them. The kids in the classroom are all child actors. That is not at all surprising considering that there’s no way in hell ABC could get away with having their bachelors teach a real sex ed class. Maybe that’s why Kaitlyn never lets them in on the prank. They would have had to use child actors either way.

Ryan is up first to talk about female anatomy. He’s obviously uncomfortable pointing out and naming each of the parts on his partial model. One of the kids asks him what the cl*t is. It’s bleeped of course but any adult with half a brain could figure out what all the bleeped words were during the date.

Ryan: “The cl*t is arguably one of the most important parts of the female anatomy and if you want a girl to like you, you better know where it is.”

Joshua talks about menstruation but doesn’t know how a Tampon works. He refers to the string as a “rip cord”. Once inserted, I suppose one could view it that way but he pulls the cord pre-insertion.

Jared and Jonathan field the following questions without much success:

“What are the four bases?”
“How many positions are there for having sex?”
“What’s a wet dream?”
“What’s a c*ck ring?”

Tanner demonstrates how to put on a condom using a banana. Are we really still demonstrating how to use contraception on fruit?

But Ben H. is the real star of the show. Reproduction is his topic and he introduces it by talking about how people fall in love like the children’s parents. He ties it in to his story of coming to meet Kaitlyn and getting to know her and how after people get to know each other and fall in love, they want to express it physically. He even manages to make the story of how the sperm makes its way to the egg(s) sound downright romantic. The only thing he gets wrong is that there’s only one egg in the uterus at a time (on rare occasions, two, which is how you get fraternal twins) but considering the general lack of knowledge in our culture about the reproductive process, Ben H. gets an A in my book.

Kaitlyn practically wants to jump Ben’s bones after this lesson.

The night brings them to another posh hotel. Not sure which one but it’s in Century City because Nakatomi Plaza, the building that was under construction during the making of Die Hard which was used as the main set, was right across the street. I grew up within walking distance of Nakatomi so I know exactly where they were.

Kaitlyn talks to Joshua and we find out that he didn’t have his first kiss until college. Okay so this guy learned everything he knows about sex from cows, he’s never been in love, and he didn’t have his first kiss until college. I think it’s safe to say that Joshua is a virgin. No way Kaitlyn’s going for a virgin.

Ben H. and Kaitlyn go up on the roof to talk. They talk about the day and Ben tells her about how much he enjoys working with kids and of his travels back and forth to Honduras to work with kids for some kind of charitable foundation. Seriously, the role of the next Bachelor is his to lose.

Between the sex talk and the talk about his work with kids, Kaitlyn is all hot and bothered. They make out. Obviously. Ben H. is now a front runner. It was only a matter of time. I predict that either he or Shawn will get a one-on-one date next week.

Back at the mansion, the love story between J.J. and Clint comes to fruition. We see clips of them hanging out together, hot tubbing together while they talk about their mutual passion for turtles, being touchy feely on the couch together, and Clint playing a love song for J.J. on his guitar.

Clint: “I feel like I’ve connected with J.J. probably more than Kaitlyn right now because we’re both so similar…” if you mean that you’re both sleazy douche nozzles, I agree but continue your thoughts: “…We’ve grown very close, almost too close at times like in the room or in the shower…” We found out earlier that J.J. and Clint showered together the previous night and that Clint had popped some of J.J.’s bacne. How romantic. “…The possibility of coming on the Bachelorette and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind but I believe in the process and at this point, I’m a success story.”

Obviously, he’s being somewhat facetious but wow. Once again, Clint’s words mock him better than I ever could.

Back on the date, Kaitlyn takes Jared back to her room for some one-on-one time to make up for the time she didn’t get with him on the boxing date. They talk, they make out, same old. But what really gets me is when Kaitlyn says this about Jared: “Of all the guys, this one is a man.”

Kaitlyn’s attracted to Jared. Whatever. I don’t get it. He’s cute but to say of ALL the guys, Jared is a man? This is the same guy who showed up the first night wearing a love superhero t-shirt under his dress shirt. He might as well have been wearing Underoos. Mark my words, Jared will not make it past final 5.

Ben H. gets the group rose. Knock me over with a feather.

Next up: The Cocktail Party

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