Bachelorette 2015 Recap: Nick Viall Returns

Before I get to my Bachelorette 2015 recap for episode 5, here are some other links I think you’ll enjoy:

Chris Harrison’s Blog

OfficeStace.com (She does a nice, spoiler-free recap)

Reality Steve (MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT!! Do not click this link if you don’t want to know how the season ends. I don’t read spoilers until the season is over but Reality Steve is the bomb.)

Bachelorette 2015 Recap: Episode 5

This episode was dominated by the drama that ensued following the return of Nick Viall but before I get to that, there’s unfinished business to catch up on from last week.

The Clint Situation

Last week ended on Kaitlyn storming into the cocktail party and dragging Clint outside to try to get the truth out of him about his atrocious behavior.

We pick up where that scene left off. Kaitlyn accuses Clint of basically being a big jerk to her and the other guys and he tries to backpedal: “There is not one person in there that I’ve said one bad thing about.” And: “I’ve been nothing but 100% honest with you.”

Clint, you do realize you’re being filmed 24 hours a day, don’t you? One need only go back and re-watch last week’s episode to see that you’re lying your face off.

Kaitlyn is done. She doesn’t trust him. I had hoped for more of an ass-whooping from Kaitlyn but at least she decided to send him home to Doucheland.

Kaitlyn and Clint return to the house and Kaitlyn lets the guys know that she’s sending Clint home. Clint demands to know who told Kaitlyn he was being mean to them and J.J., Clint’s one true love in the house, is his ultimate betrayer. J.J. suggests in front of everyone that Clint apologize to the group for “taking away the emotional energy” of the night.

Now all the guys who hated J.J. before for being a douche nozzle, hate him even more for being a disloyal douche nozzle and Clint is furious.

J.J. and Clint get into a nasty argument, the exact one shown on the preview from last week, where Clint leaves after calling J.J. a piece of sh*t. In fact, they essentially showed everything in the preview except for the actual conversation between Clint and Kaitlyn and the reason J.J. and Clint broke up. It was pretty anticlimactic.

I did enjoy watching J.J. punch himself in the head while crying like a little girl over the loss of his villain twin though. I know they added in the punching sound effect but I like to think he actually hit himself hard enough to elicit that noise. He tells himself to suck it up and then reminds himself, “I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I’m looking for a girlfriend.” That may be J.J. but I think the most you’ll ever end up being is somebody’s b*tch, no matter what sex they are.

So, after all that, Kaitlyn announces there’s going to be no rose ceremony. No one is going home. Seriously? This is episode 5 (granted, it’s only week 4) but there have only been TWO rose ceremonies. Kaitlyn is going to have to start sending idiots home soon or she’s going to end up marrying all of them.

You’d expect all the guys would be happy but no one’s jumping up for joy because J.J. didn’t get the axe. Kaitlyn has to remind them “this is a good thing” and suddenly they wake up again and pretend to be excited.

It’s not until Chris Harrison announces they’re going to New York that everyone actually gets excited. Most of these guys signed up to get their 15 minutes and to get some free trips so it’s about time.

New York

The guys get to the Knickerbocker hotel in New York and are excited to be in the big apple. It seems like most of these guys are from small towns so Manhattan is a pretty big deal even if they don’t get to stamp their passports yet.

The first date card arrives. On the date:

• Jonathan
• Justin
• Ben Z.
• Corey
• Ryan
• Tanner
• J.J.
• Shawn

On this date, the boys are going to have a rap battle. I smell another massacre.

I don’t understand why all of Kaitlyn’s dates have to either end in injuries or utter humiliation or both. It’s getting old.

Doug E. Fresh is the host of the date and helps the guys get their raps ready. The guys are assigned a sparring partner in advance and create raps specifically targeted at their opponents.

We find out that Ryan B., the cute nerd with the glasses who rarely gets any screen time, is a huge fan of rap. What?

Shawn: “I live in Nashville, Tennesee. I like Blake Shelton, Jason Aldeen, Luke Brian.” I think your musical taste may be a deal-breaker, buddy. Somehow, I don’t see hip-hop Kaitlyn marrying a guy who’s into country.

J.J.: “I’ve literally listened to zero rap music in my entire life…” literally? I’m not a fan of rap music but I’ve heard it. I have a hard time believing that you’re about to hear rap for the first time in your life today, J.J. but please finish your thought because I want to mock you further: “I listen to Broadway tunes religiously.”

Are you SURE you don’t want a boyfriend? Because I know LITERALLY (and by that I don’t mean figuratively) one guy who is straight as an arrow who likes Broadway tunes.  Given your penchant for showering with other dudes and the excessive tears you displayed over your untimely breakup with Clint, I don’t think you’re another one.

The Rap Battle (A.K.A. Nobody gives a damn because Nick is about to make his entrance)

As Doug E. brings the guys on stage and introduces them, the footage cuts to a clip of Nick Viall sitting next to a woman in the club. I swear that woman (the one to the left of him) is Sharleen Joynt. Sharleen is by far my favorite contestant to ever grace this diabolical franchise with her presence. She’s smart, wise, funny, honest, and a hell of a lot nicer than I am. I don’t know how ABC talked her onto the show but it’s a good thing they did because she was the only saving grace of Juan Pablo’s season.

It’s no secret that Sharleen was outspoken about the unfairness of what happened to Nick last summer and that they are now friends. But Sharleen doesn’t show up on the episode later. I rewound my DVR a couple of times to see if I was seeing things but I still swear it was her. Why she would go to the trouble of showing up to that event if she wasn’t going to serve some purpose is beyond me but I still say Sharleen was there.

So now, I just want the rap battle to be over so I can see this sh*t get real. But alas, I must endure a few moments longer.

Ben Z. vs. Tanner

Best line was given by Ben: “Even with steroids you won’t look like me.” It’s true. Tanner’s kind of scrawny and homely and Ben Z., well, let’s just say that the Bens on this season are definitely killing it in the looks department.

Jonathan vs. Ryan

I blinked. Did I miss it?

Kaitlyn: “This is the worst rap battle I’ve ever seen. I don’t think there’s ever been a rap battle with two guys wearing khaki pants.”

Corey vs. J.J.

Corey is surprisingly good. Not only does he have the best rhymes, he’s also got the right rhythm:

“Let me talk about my boy here, J.J.
After that first night he’s been cray-cray.
Over there wearing faux (?) shoes,
no way he’s gonna be the one she choose.
J.J., you enjoying your stint?
Where’s your boyfriend? Your boyfriend, Clint.
Best be on your toes,
I’m here for Kaitlyn, gonna get the last rose.”

J.J. then continues his shame spiral by referring to the women in the club as “hoes”.  No excuse for this. He’s not trying to find something that rhymes with “orange”. Knows, nose, bows, rose, toes, lows, blows, sews, goes, foes, woes… you get the idea. And no, I didn’t cheat by looking at a rhyming dictionary.

Shawn vs. Justin

I, like Kaitlyn, don’t remember anything Shawn said because he flashes his abs at the end of his rap. If Shawn resembles Ryan Gossling facially, he resembles him even more bodily. Holy crap.

Justin gets in a couple good lines:

“Welcome to the Matt Damon Ryan Gossling feud.”
“Remind me how the Notebook end.
That’s right, she forgot you.
Yeah, I’m in.”

And now onto… drum roll, please…

EPISODE V: THE RETURN OF NICK VIALL

That’s V as in the roman numeral five, not V for Viall in case there are any people under 40 reading this.

Kaitlyn sees her friend Ashley (there are two in this episode. The first one we see is the middle-eastern Ashley from Chris Soules’ season).

How convenient. One of Kaitlyn’s friends just happens to be hanging out in the same club that Nick Viall is and happens to be standing right next to him. The show tries to sell us this perfectly abnormal set of circumstances by telling us there are some past contestants there to sign fan photos. Riiigghhhht…

Kaitlyn runs up to Ashley and hugs her and then suddenly becomes aware of Nick’s presence.

She’s surprised and giddy. I did know before the season started that Nick was a big Kaitlyn fan and in my first recap, I was suspicious of Nick for promoting her to be The Bachelorette rather than trying to reach out to her but apparently, he had. Kaitlyn claims they communicated on social media and over text right before she was offered the opportunity to be The Bachelorette. I still have my eye on him but at least there was some attempt on his part to get to know her in a normal setting rather than just wait for her to become The Bachelorette and crash the season.

Nick and Kaitlyn sit down for a chat. Obviously.

Nick: “The idea that you could potentially get engaged and I wouldn’t have met you kind of bugged me.”

Kaitlyn (confused): “So are you going to stay?

Nick: “I think that might be your call.”

Kaitlyn is speechless.

Nick: “I get it if it’s too late.”

I will say this. If Kaitlyn was warned that she would be meeting Nick and that he would be asking to return to the show to get to know her, she is a supremely gifted actress because she showed no signs of being at all aware of the scheme.

In an ITM, Kaitlyn mentions that she was kind of disappointed when she had to stop talking to Nick when she became The Bachelorette. I don’t know how far in advance the producers knew they were bringing Nick back but I largely suspect it was at the very beginning of the season if not before. Whenever they decided Kaitlyn was going to be The Bachelorette, that’s probably when Nick was contacted to be on the show.

In her ITMs, Kaitlyn is tormented. She has a connection to Nick but they’re four weeks into the show!

No, actually. They’re not. The first two episodes were filmed in one night. The next day, was the boxing date. The day after that, was Clint’s one-on-one. Then the comedy club date, then the second rose ceremony, then the sumo date, then Ben Z.’s one-on-one, then the sex-ed group date, then the cocktail party where no one went home, then the day they flew to New York, and finally, the day of the rap battle. Let me do some quick math… Nick arrived on the 11th day of shooting.

I don’t see how, even with as much chemistry as she has with Shawn, that Kaitlyn could have developed feelings so strong for him in 11 days, especially since they haven’t even had a one-on-one, that she would 100% be able to rule out Nick, a guy she already knows and has a connection with in the real world, as a potential future mate.

Next up: The night portion of the rap battle date.

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